Ill never...

Have answers. Never understand. Never comprehend. Never want. Never need. Never love...like that again.

Its been months, weeks, days...and when i think about him, See him loving someonee else...tears still fall, i still feel pain. I cnt understnd how i gave away so much of myself that its taking me this long to gt me all back. Why do i still care? Why does love still swim in my soul? Ive let it go but then i have these moments whn i know i havent. I know theres no future. No hope. I stopped trying months.ago...but i still carry it with me. We dnt even tlk everyday anymore..eventually we prlly wont be in each others lives but i still live with the pain from a broken heart....and the worst part is i dnt even hate him. I have the tendancy to always blame things on myself..Nd idk why..he hates when i do it..i look at it like maybe if i had done this diff or did tht better...when the reality of it is i did nothing wrong, i gave my all... we jst werent meant to be together. It shouldnt be this hard to come to terms with that. But it is. How i let myself be so naiive to believe everything would really last forever. Forever is not realistic but i expected so much more frm our relationship thn i got. Idk why i feel like every girl he loves after me, he loves more than he did me. I gave too much of myself. I get a piece back everyday bt i wish it didnt take so long... i just want that feeling of love back...tht happiness. Tht feeling of someone complimenting my soul. I lost everything with my heart nd after this pain, i hope with time i get everything back.

Goodbye and Hello.

Sooo, its getting close to the end of 2010 and gotdamn if this wasnt the longest most dramatic year of my life! So much happened..so many things changed..so many ppl i lost. On the bright side im proud to say ive grown...i broke myself down to nothing and pulled myself bck together. Im not complete tho lol, im still a wreck. I still relapse, im still unsure of wht i want but i know what i dont. I dont know what i need but i know what i deserve and thts nuthing LESS than what makes me happy. If its not keeping me happy or at least content im nt dealing with it. For what? Its a waste of time and that i have no more to waste...im on a mission to find greatness..i just havent figured out how. Im unsatisfied with my job so im looking for a new one...all i want is to go bck to school and finish so i can start a career nd be settled with life. Fuck love...i figure that comes later, if at all. Yea, someones gonna love me cus im easy to love..but am i gonna love thm bck is the question. Its a million niggas in the world yet its like findin a needle in a haystack findin someone i actually like, thats actually worth my time. I found a potential husband...bt there was two prbs: one-he lives in the bay. And two-i sexed him bc i didnt kno when i was gonna find another person i liked enough to sex cus we all kno celibacy is not an issue over here lol. I ruined that so oh well bt it was hope tht their are potential men out there... the present guy im tlkn to is abt to be let go bc he doesnt hld my attn, hes boring, and he doesnt tlk enough lol. Sorrrry bt i can tlk, i like to tlk i need to be able to converse abt stupid sht nd intellectual sht alike. If u cnt hld my attn, yu cnt hold my interest. Once my interest is gone, so are yu cus i dnt want you lol. Simple as that. I dont care at this point, come january ill be single for a year. I could gaf about being a gf, im nt investing my time, effort, mind, body, love, ect into anything less than wht i want and deserve. In the meantime ill be finding and satisfying myself, growing one day at a time.

One friend

Youre everything you said you weren't and everything I thought you'd never be,
We used to be You used to be.
Somewhere we got lost. I don't know u anymore. I remember him I remember her, I only remember who we were. Now I know you so well that nothings new. Yu kno me so well tht your just through.
Nothing left to learn, not amused
No laughs no connection
I keep going over this relationship
A Thorough inspection
Everything good must end so maybe this is it? I'm part of a past collection, would u miss it?
Friends. jst lovers. friends&lovers. jst friends.
I lost where we started so I can't see where we would end. Maybe we were over before we began? I learned to love you then yu taught me to kill feelins. True story: Love kills when you let it.
Our friendship committed suicide after your love died, bittersweet homicide.. Or maybe I killed yu accidently when I tried to end me but yu jst lied to me? Ill never know.
Lost a homie lover and bestfriend all in One year, I wouldve never guessed itd only be One person and One day you'd grow distant nd basically disappear.
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Cold.

Painful like hearing 'I love you' when you say it to her.
Her, only She is no longer Me, and Me and You are no longer We.
We died. I cried. You lied.
So many emotions I went numb
No feeling. Blank thoughts. Mute words. Deaf ears. Paralyzed .
I found tranquility in thoughts of Past laughs, past promises, past pasts.
Futures that never were, never would be. Presents that can't be opened
Your presence is unfocused.
Then I refocused, your unclear.
My mistake you were never really here
You talk so well I believed we were really meant to be
You deceived, silly me.
I gave you everything I had
You wanted more
No, you wanted less, less love
Less work, less real
Let's fake, and pretend We never existed.
Pretend the way you are with Her; Be happy, find love and then leave it
Dear Broken heart keeper,
I need It.
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This is For Me.

As each day passes, some things make more sense...others more confusing. The more I let go the more I question why I should hold on. I'm one step closer to where I wanna be...leaving that shattered naiive little girl behind. I look in the mirror and see pain...I see all the hurt I been through then I see my reflection smile back and I know life goes on. I've been wording it wrong all along...its not that I can't find me, I know who I am..who I'm supposed to be.... What I've really been searching for is my Worth. Where I lost it? Childhood..and its taken me so long to find it. Looking back on my past relationships...the verbal abuse I put up with...the self worth I lacked allowing me to put up with so much shit I shouldve never allowed bc I was afraid to lose something I didn't really need in the first place. Letting 'love' be the veil over my eyes covering all the things I shouldve seen bt only paid attention to what I wanted to. How did I let myself be so weak? How did I let the idea of love break me? I experienced love, but not the way I know its supposed to be, not the way I want it to be. Too many people fall in love with the 'idea of love' more than actually falling in love. I know I fell in Love...and I think the people I was in love with were only in love with the idea of loving me. I can't fathom love being so easy to fall out of and into with everyone I like. Its special, almost sacred. Ill tread very lightly with who fall in love with and choose to let it be known. You might nt choose who u fall in love with but lust helps you decide who u WANT to be in love with and never again will I allow myself to be walked over by a man bc I'm afraid to lose him. A man will never be afraid to lose you. There's a million of "you". Your loss is another womans gain. I shouldve seen it that way years ago. I hate to feel so picky at this point but I'm not settling again, ever. I settle too often nd it leaves me unsatisfied when things don't work because it was never really worth it. I have no happy endings. Just to be continued's. I hope that all my love doesn't always turn to hate or disinterest, Its upsetting. Nonetheless I've gained a better understanding to my insecurity and lack of self worth. I know where I stand and what I deserve. I will not lessen these for love. The only thing I hope is that when the few men I gave my heart to look back on how they treated me they can also remember how I gave them honest, straight from the heart Love. No pretending no for shows, no bullshit. I gave love the only way I knew how --the way I wanted to be loved back, and if they couldn't fathom that, that's their loss bc a lot of people can't and/or will never be able to give love the way that I gave it.....PURE.
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Untitled.

I feel like I'm running to a destination I can't reach. I see it bt I never get there. I see the ground moving bt I don't feel my feet hitting the ground. I'm unstable. That's the word that comes to mind when I think of myself. Its like I have it all figured out bt I dnt really know anything at all. My emotions are constantly conflicting with my state of mind...I go thru so many emotions in a day its exhausting. I woke up tired, then got anxious, sad, mad, disappointed, careless,happy, liberated, excited, then down. I attempted to pull myself up bt it didn't work. I'm starting to think I have a chemical imbalance in my brain causing me to be so all over the place, possibly my depression.... I want so mny things...though most of them are unreachable. It doesn't stop me from trying to reach whts left. I don't want whts in front of me...some call tht ungrateful...I'm jst not about to settle for what I know I don't want. Like I miss having friends... bestfriends. I dnt feel like any are the same (old nd new)...I dnt believe their genuine anymore...tht makes me wanna cry. I miss getting along with someone so well tht everything is always nothing bt endless convo nd laughs. That's the way it used to be...

Ifeel like I lose all my bestf's..like I feel stupid when I call james my bestf now cus I dnt feel like our definition is the same.. We disagree on how I feel versus how he feels abt our friendship bt why agree to disagree? I'm nt satisfied with that bc I dnt feel understood. I kno Its diff now bc of course were trying to be platonic when we've always had feelings for each other. I feel insecure abt it..like I dnt really know how he really feels abt me as a person bc I only knew how he felt when he loved me. I cnt help bt feel like when him nd his new gf tlk abt his 'stalkers' and 'ppl tht complain abt him nt hittin thm up ' that they're referring to me...like wht if he was,hed nvr tell me..bt then its like why would he keep tlkn to me if he felt tht way? They're probably nt ...bt the fact tht I feel like I bug him more than he enjoys my company makes me feel like maybe he would joke abt me to her...I cnt think of anyone else he would mean :/ How do you discuss a friendship without making it awkward? He takes it as me saying he's nt a good friend anymore..bt thts nt what I'm saying...I jst feel distanced. And maybe it is normal bc I'm jst too accustomed to tlking all day everyday bc before we had feelings for eachh other and now we don't...I dnt expect to feel as relevant as a gf but at the same time I feel like a bestf should have some kind of relevance. He said 'your the only friend I tlk to everyday'...bt our convos are never satisfying,they dnt feel like bestf convos. Its like he disappears, forgets to respond...or jst doesn't. Then i feel annoying when im txting again like hellooo? Are u gonna respond? its jst like I can sit and I can see frm both sides wht he means nd also how I feel and I cnt expect him to meet my expectations bc its what it "used to be"...but I hate feeling like the trust isn't the same. I hate doubting what he says. I hate when he doesn't do what he says nd I sound like the annoying ex gf bc I'm disappointed abt it. I guess I'm jst upset the aura of our relationship is different now when I never wanted it to change. And I dnt mean the love or relationship part, I jst mean the enjoyment of how well we got along..its like a seesaw now. I hate tht I have to blog abt it bc it bothers me so much. I cnt tlk to him abt it without it turning completely around. Idk why I feel like he doesn't really wanna tlk to me since the feelins aren't there Anymore...I guess I kinna feel like since he doesn't have any interest in me anymore he's nt interested in wht I have to say now.. I guess the insecurity comes frm the disinterest. He said he doesn't believe I'm over him....bt mentally I am. I know I've conditioned myself to get over..gotta fake it til u make it. But I can say I know I'm nt in love with him anymore bc I can deal with a lot more sht than I used to...bt I can tell I'm still emotional bc a lot of sht still hurts my feelins... Bt thts jst me in general lately everything hurts my feelings. I'm always hurt, I've gotten to be the most sensitive I've ever been in my life. Probably bc I'm the most vulnerable I've ever been. I walk around together when I feel like a million pieces tht aren't fitting back together...how am I gonna find another bf when I cnt even find the part of myself I lost? I can't believe I lost so much of myself...better yet gave away..that was foolish. I miss receiving unconditional love bt never again do I think I can give it....my heart healed bt the scars will forever remind me of the pain.
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Liberation&Forgiveness.

I had a talk last nite with this boy I used to mess with, whose really in touch with God and his faith. I hate to admit tht it used to freak me out a little bit, nt bc I don't believe in God but bc it was jst odd to me. I realized we had a lot in common but I also realized I lost myself. I strayed away from God. And I'm not writing this post to start talkin abt how I found God and I'm a changed person bc I'm still growing, I know I still have a lot to work on. Bt I know I also need to put a lot more faith in God and let him stress for me. Ill drive myself crazy trying to change things ill never be able to change. I need to jst trust god had his best foot forward and putting me through these situations for a reason. I figure maybe that's why I'm still suffering, bc I never acknowledged that. That could have simply been my lesson frm day one...but I won't know until I start making some changes. I feel a lot better today. Liberated:) ....as far as my struggle with james....I think I haven't fully forgiven him. I mean I have but the fact I'm still holding on to shit from 10months ago...I haven't forgiven him the way I need to. I need to forgive him for myself bc I'm suffering not him. Maybe one day ill tell him I truely forgive him but right now I know I'm still not ready. I know my heart won't stop loving him...but I know ill be okay one day. Ill be able to love him and nt feel any pain. Jst memories from learning what love is about. Which isn't about being together, its about acceptance. Accepting the good and bad. The ups and downs, what it is and isn't. What it was and will never be....and loving that person regardless.
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This isn't for you.

I guess its jst me. Nobdys hitttin me bck...maybe cus its saturday. Maybe no one wants to tlk to me. I feel really self destructive. I spent my entire morning figuring out school and my career choices and right now at this moment I dgaf abt any of it. I wanna give up. I wanna close my eyes nd jst nt wake up. I wanna know how I made so many wrong choices tht I ended up like this. So fucked up. I feel like a destroyed masterpiece. I feel so beautiful some days, jst everything I'm supposed to be. Then I have nights like this...in my bed listening to music letting tears fall while I try to write the pain away. They say suicide is selfish. I guess it is. All the things I'm supposed to think abt I don't. I jst think abt nt being miserable anymore. Not dealing with any of this anymOre. Idk if heaven nd hell exist bt I dnt wanna go to hell...I'd rather spend eternity with my loved ones tht aren't Here anymore...so thts another reason. Then I always think of brandon nd how someone took his life. And how he was mad cus I tld him I didn't want mines. I wish I could give mines for his so his daughter could have him back. I'd give my life for that. Bt thts nt really an option. Idk how I became so fkd up...so ready to die. So sensitive.. I dnt wanna be like this. I dnt wanna be on drugs either. I dnt want my pain to be numbed by alcohol. I wish someone warned me young love comes nd goes before I gave it everything and let it. Destroy me. I wish I didn't always fall for the wrong guys and make the dumbest choices. I wish I knew how to let go without needing someone else to distract me. I need help. I wish I could tell my mom that without hurting her. I wish I could be by myself without getting depressed. I wish I could erase myself and start over. Its too late...I'm brokenhearted and emotionally unstable. I wonder how long it'll take to fix myself...
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lost.

I'm always lost...sometimes I feel found bt that feeling never lasts too long. I feel like I'm too smart to go through the sht I put myself through. But I doubt that bc I'm constantly confused. I don't understand life. I don't think I really respect life. Maybe I jst don't know how to make life work for me... Or maybe I jst can't accept tht life is predestined nd I need to jst let shit happen nd let it go rather than being upset and trying to make it change. I have nobdy right now. My best....friend . Is gone. He said we shouldn't talk bc I need time to heal bc my feelins for him affect the friendship...I hate to agree he's right. I never wanted to let go after we broke up bc I was afraid I'd lose him...lose his love. But holding on caused the same thing. I can be upset tht he broke my heart the rest of my life bt like he said..he was 19. I never really thought of it like that. The only perspective I seen was we loved each other and it was supposed to be real.. But the fact our relationship didn't last doesn't mean the love was fake...it jst wasn't meant to be. Now 2yrs later I'm having a harder time not having a friend bc he's been my closest friend and the only person I tlk to damn near everyday. Maybe I became too dependent. But I refuse to regret everything and say it was all a mistake. The fact tht I know all of this makes me think I'm ready to jst be his friend bt I know he won't believe me. Its only been 2days. 2days of a lot of thinking. A lot of avoiding. At this point its get my friend back or be bitter. And I really want my friend back. I dnt know why my heart refuses to let go of the emotions. I wish I could go bck to nt givin af cus at some point I didn't. Bt sometimes they jst come back. I cnt help it. I think I jst like knowng someones there for me. I need love right now in my life and I dnt have it..I dnt feel it. And I dnt even mean romantic love...I jst want to know someone cares abt me...wants me around. Someone to jst tlk to. I feel like at this point ima have to hire a therapist to listen to the sht I have to say...or I could keep blogging bt this doesn't really give me any answers. Shit a therapist might nt either...I jst feel like I'm stuck. I'm stuck btwn living nd giving up. Letting go and holding on. Looking and letting happen. Caring and nt caring. Crying and nt crying. I'm jst lost And confused and exhausted. I jst lay in bed sometimes nd cry jst bc idk anything and I'm unhappy. And I wanna be happy so bad! And I can be happy....bt when I'm all alone nd there's nothing, I remember All the things I dnt have. My whole world falls apart. I wish I had a bby to give my all to bt I know I couldn't take care of one by myself...even tho bbys are a 2person effort. I really jst want something to put my love into besides myself. I have soo much love to give nd it eats me up inside tht I have no one to give it to or no one tht even wants it for tht matter....I had sex on halloween jst for the affection. I jst wanted somebdy to hold me nd feel wanted...I jst felt at ease in someones arms...even if it was jst for the nite. It makes me sad tht thts wht it is...I dnt wanna be one of those girls lookin for love in all the wrong places. Its easy for ppl to say I dnt need it bt when did ppl stp needing affection? That's all I really want. To feel love from somewhere, even if its jst a conversation. And now I have no one to give me that...not even my bestfriend who I love more than anybody and was the last person to ever really love me. I really hope my emotions subside bc idk how long ill last without him there...I dnt wanna stress him or lose him...I jst dnt want him to give up on me bc I really need his love nd friendship...
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love is pain...

you never really understand the true meaning of tht until you experience
a brutal heartbreak. extended regret and tears...i let love ruin
everything. i believed in love. i gave my all to love..i jst wanted love
to love me back. and for awhile love was beautiful. it was
indescribible...it was the best thing that ever happened to me. i met a
boy tht played w. my heart. a habitual liar. a joke. i was ruined from
that day forward and never knew it. then i met Him. he made me laugh, he
had feelings, he was 'real'. he wanted me. he fell in love w. me....i
did what i had to do to love him back. bc he was Real love. not jst a
bunch of bullshit lies...i gave everything. a year passed...things
weren't the same bt i held on to love bc it was "real"...it meant the
world to me..i jst dragged myself thru hell the 2nd year..all i wanted
was our love back....it never came. i let love destroy me. i let love
break me down. i let love fk my head up. i regret holding on, i
should've let go. i regret loving him, i shouldve stopped...bt he "loved
me". i couldnt lose tht. how could i be so stupid. i put myself through
heartache after heartache watching his love for me fade and him give it
to someone else.. now i watch his love for them fade and along w. it
went love in general. now i watch his interest for me fade bc i remind
him of love and he doesn't wanna be bothered w. it...i hate everything.
i hate that life is so fuckd up. i hate that feelings change and others
stay the same. i hate tht i still love him even tho i hate him. i hate
remembering all the things we tlkd abt that never came true. i hate
remembering smiles and laughs tht don't exist the same anymore. i hate
that i stayed bc i never wanted him to feel abandoned...and he left me.
i hate that i put up w. this bc of love. i hate that im affected by
everything tht hurts my feelings. i hate being alive. i hate
remembering. i hate all the promises tht were broken. i hate that i know
nobody will ever love him like i do and he doesn't care or want to keep
that love. i hate remembering when our ily's meant something. i hate
that its almost a year later and im crying and nobdy knows or cares. i
hate watching him like new girls bc it jst reminds me of all the times
he told me he'd come back to me ....and never did. his feelings changed
and mine stayed the same. such a trgedy..i guess that's life when u
gamble w. love...his love that died for someone else , also died for me.
and with that im dying bc i let myself love w. everything i had and now
i cnt get it all back....i let love ruin me. i stayed loyal...i regret
that. i regret loving so hard. i regret not listening. i regret
believing. i regret myself and i resent him.

i wish i could jst have my friend back...its impossible. i watch our
friendship drift farther everyday. i knew it before i tried ...you cnt
be friends w. someone your in love with...i jst wish he never meant the
wrld to me...

im ashamed..

to even express how i feel at this point. im 22 and letting the most
idiotic things upset me. im like a walking talking ball of frustration.
im unhappy, unsatisfied, and nothing ever goes right. SURPRISE! welcome
to life !! what a crock of bullshit. im so fed up w. everything and
everyone..im jst tired. I've said tht a million times before bt i can
feel my feelings changing. im tired of holding on to whts gone. loving
wht doesn't love back. trying to get what i cnt. niggas are dumb...i
don't understand. they don't appreciate pretty anymore. i need to be
ugly bc thts wht they like . i don't need to be a sweetheart cus thts
too easy..i need to be a flat out bitch bc its challenging smfh. i can't
change who i am or how i love bt i feel like i need to bc i can't seem
to keep anyone happy this way bc im still always doing something "wrong"
and the trifilin ugly bitches get all the shine :) that's tight. i hate
. i dislike using tht word bt i do! i jst...hate! i hate everythinng
right now. i tried to jst be happy w. myself and w. life bt im fkn
lonely. im fkn unhappy. i have NO ONE. maybe i don't need them, bt who
doesn't enjoy some kind of companionship? i dnt have not one. im
aggravated. all the dudes out here are fkn ugly and or ratchet. i wanna
jump out a fkn window. everythings different.... i dnt tlk to the same
ppl..me and james..were close to nothing...which is upsetting bt w.e. i
guess we've had our journey..its almost over. i feel like i need to drop
off all this baggage before i meet someone i really like nd ruin another
relationship...i jst feel so damaged..so hurt..so used..so jst fkd up. i
try to find things tht aren't really there...and i dnt acknowedge whts
staring me in the face...wht sense does tht make? im retarted. a
selfproclaimed fool. i know i make stupid choices...nd i keep makin em.
and i guess thts why things aren't changing...its so upsetting im only
22...my life jst started..i really hope life doesn't proceed this way. i
don't think ill make it .

its over now.

the timing...is wrong.
or we're wrong...for each other.
bt it felt so perfect...maybe i was wrong.
i wanna be friends bt everyday i realize we can't.
im still in love...i wish i knew why.
you disappoint me more than you put smiles on my face now.
i think you jst feel sorry for me now.
you only show me love when your mad at her.
when you don't have an answer to how i feel you jst say "i love you"...
i say it bck bc i mean it bt i don't really believe you anymore.
you dnt show it anymore. i dnt see it anymore. ive seen you love me.
now i watch you love her.
you put her first. your happy w. her. your proud to be w. her.
im jst like a bad memory holding you back.
someone tht can't let go of the past...
still trying to change what can't be changed.
what's already changed bt not to my liking.
denial.
consumed in fear...
i can't face heartbreak..face to face..
...so i jst play w. it everyday.
can it get worse?
do tears and pain ever change?
I've felt it all before so why do i choose to deal w. this uncertainty
when i can jst deal w. what i know.
heartbreak..loneliness.
nothing unfamiliar.
what am i holding on to?
better yet what am i running from?
im not satisfied. not happy. im miserable.
i get to feel wht its like to nt be the person that's the object of
someones affection..everyday.
i put up w. this.
its clear i don't love myself enough...im being desperate to be loved by
someone who's nt in love w. me anymore..
its jst nt okay anymore...im gonna go crzy.
i don't deserve this. i don't want this. and i don't need this.

still pushing..

im constantly in this battle between whether i wanna keep putting my
emotions out publicly or jst keep them as thoughts.. bt I've come to
realize when i have no one..i have my blog. its my outlet bc if no ones
there..someones listening, evn if i jst think someone is. i think we all
want understanding..to be accepted..jst acknowledged. some people are
more judgemental than they need to be and make us ashamed of how we
feel...sometimes they dnt understand tht its nt as easy for us as it
would be for them to do something and then they wanna look at us like
"tht weak bitch" , " she's stupid", ect. ect. and a lot of times i call
myself stupid bc i acknowledge everything i say, everything I've done
and still do yet istill do it, still put up w. it. i guess i am
weak..I've tried walking away and i jst can't...or i can bt i jst dnt
want to yet. its like trying to take away one piece of me that if i took
it away would leave me in a million pieces. im nt ready to break again.
I've been broken before bt im nt ready until i have something to keep me
focused on putting me back together. blogging has helped me get to know
myself very well and im extremely sensitive..more than id like to admit.
im very blunt and straightfaced a lot as a defense mechanism to not get
hurt. yeaaaa i wanna find tht man who loves me and i love him and were
jst essentially happy w. each other..bt who doesn't? there's no calendar
set on when or if youll ever find it. you find love and yu lose it then
yu start to wonder what IF yu never find love again..wht if it never
gets better? i wonder tht everyday. it affects how i think. how i trust
ppl. my interest level.. being hurt in every relationship I've ever
pursued is devastating to me bt life goes on. i have a love-hate
relationship w. myself. its not the way it should be bt the way I've
come to accept it. i love myself bt nt the way i should bc a lot of
times i dnt really like myself. i doubt myself. i hold myself down. i
put others before me , i belittle myself, i don't support myself. and
that's not the way it should be. sometimes i see beautiful like other
people do...a lot of times i don't. i see the broken little chubby girl
I've always been. the one that's not as pretty as her or her. but thts
something i have to grow out of. i have to learn to love myself. i guess
i can't expect other people to love me unconditionally if i cnt even
love myself tht way. then i wonder why people fall out of love w.
me..who would wanna deal w. my insecurities tht i shouldn't even have.
everytime i take the time to rethink things through i understand more
and more of why things are the way they are....i think i am the reason
my relationships fail. my exes tell me im nt bt i think they jst dnt
know how to tell me i need to love myself bc they cnt be the only ones
tht love me...and to be honest it makes a lot of sense. all in all, im
gonna try to change that and put me first, love me first and see if
maybe things get better....i wanna say thank you to cherei for letting
me know your still listening bc i didn't really think anyone still
listens. keep your head up girl, things will get better.

hollow.

you give and you give, bt you get back nothing like you give.
you want bt never accomplish.
hope but never grasp.
have faith bt it never comes...
it wasn't meant to be.
you can try and try to make it happen, make it work but it just
doesn't.
there's no destiny.
you lose hope, you lose faith, yu dnt believe. you start
doubting..eventually you stop loving.
what's love if your not getting back what your putting out?
besides heartache. besides disappointment. besides looking stupid.
you try to stay loyal to love and hopee it comes through for you...
it doesn't. why? because its not love.
what you thought was love isn't love anymore its mixed emotions.
its doubt.
its weighing why i should stay versus why i should go.
the reasons for leaving outweigh staying, yet the reasons for staying
seem to sound so much more gratifying..
its a bunch of bullshit.
its like being stuck on a merry go round you can't get off of. you been
on it so long you know what to expect bt you still let the same shit
surprise you...you never adapt.
im so tired of all this. the ups tht last for moments, the downs tht
last for moments. im drained.
why keep loving something tht doesn't love you back.
why keep trying to make something work tht doesn't.
why believe the hype.
the hype sounded so much better when i had hope.
things are failing when you dnt believe..when you dnt trust.
im so intelligent. so smart. so young. so beautiful. so hopeful. so
loving. so insecure. so unhappy. so naiive. so foolish. so unloved. so
disappointed. so unsatisfied. so empty.
i dnt know whether im living or dying.
somedays im so full of life..i have something.
others im numb..i feel nothing..i have nothing.
everything you grow up hoping and wishing for are jst
disappointments...it takes a lifetime to achieve happiness and maybe
even longer than that....
i didn't think i would fall back comatose in unhappiness...
i spent 2 months trying.
maybe i succeeded for the most part..bt i dnt feel like i am.
i don't feel as though i knoww anything anymore...
maybe im jst a loss cause.
whatever.

september 30th.

you get filled up w. emotion and you jst wanna go off, or cry, or w.e
makes yu feel better after yu release it....me i confronted you about
how i felt. i cried so i have to let you know wht yu did tht pushed me
to tears....only after i jst expressed myself i feel like i jst wasted
my time..your time. i feel empty. i dnt feel cared about. i don't feel
loved. its like im set up on a one way track for heartbreak no matter
what. expressing myself used to make me feel better bt i dnt feel
understood. i talked for 20mins and i don't think you listened to
anything. you heard me bt i dnt think it made a difference. i guess i
just didn't find the love i thought i did. i dnt understand it. i keep
giving bt i dnt think your giving anymore...i feel like if i keep giving
maybe youll realize one day, damn she never stps loving me. this is one
n a million. bt you have realized it, im jst not the girl you want. that
should make you not the boy i want. i kind of dont. bt then i think abt
the love we had and i think why give up on that? HA. key word: had. im
giving up on love bc its nt bringing me happiness anymore. i wanna hate
you sometimes, and for split seconds i do. i can think of all the times
you loved me. said you loved me, showed me you loved me. then i can feel
all the times you hurt me. all the tears I've cried could probably fill
the sky. yet, i still love you. unconditionally. your nt a liar bt all
the promises youve made that you didn't keep are lies. well, broken
promises. and broken promises are truths that become lies. i still
believe in you. you jst dnt believe in us. we want each other to jst be
happy....isn't it funny how neither of us can find that? remember when
we used to be happy? those were the days...gone. i guess we have to keep
trying...im nt settling for unhappiness, im nt emotionally built for
depression, it takes me to places i dnt need to be. i hope you find
yours. and i hope you stop putting other ppls happiness before yours. i
stopped. bc i realized while i kept putting yours before mines. you were
putting hers before yours...which leaves no one to put me before theirs.
if im loving you, and your loving her, who's loving me? lol. im over it.
im over niggas. im over putting your all into someone else. im over
love. maybe it wasn't meant for me.

release some tension.

i feel like im about to explode. im so filled w. emotions and questions
and jst everything i jst feel uncomfortable in my own skin. i dnt know
if i wanna yell, laugh, cry, say fk it all! hold on, move on, try again
i jst dnt know. i can sit here and express to you how i feel and why i
feel the way i feel bt i can't make a choice on wht to do and follow
through w. it. my emotions will be the death of me. and love is the best
and worst thing i ever found. best, bc I've never felt anything tht
could pt me on tht natural high where nothing else matters and all yu
wanna do is love and laugh and be happy for the rest of your life.
worst, bc life is a triflin btch and never lets things go how you want
so you have to suffer and struggle w. everything. today i asked myself
how much can a ♥ take? bt i guess its more than jst a physical trait
that your ♥ is the strongest muscle in your body cus it endures a fkn
lot. I've put my ♥ through a lot and it still plays the same beat for
the same nigga and skips the same beats when i get tht giddy love
feeling...no matter how many times its been hurt....im hopeless. its
like I've been hurt bt im alwaaaysss tlkin abt or thinkin abt love and
how to conquer it the way its suppose to be. but idk how its really
supposed to be. one thing i have noticed is tht love is imperfect.
people think they find love in perfection..and even though love can
cause an illusion of perfection (blindness). true love is seeing
everything for wht its really worth and either loving it regardless or
walking away bc you love yourself more. i think i shoulda walked away
awhile ago bt i cnt. everytime i try it comes back again. and I've
pondered why...maybe im weak, maybe i dnt love myself enough to know
better....or maybe i jst really love what i love. i can't really
complain abt the downs anymore bc i put up w. everything. im nt forced
to be in any situation, i choose to be. bt fk it never gets easier. idk
WHYYYY THA FUCK i still think if i keep trying things will eventually
come true like a fkn fairytale when really i get slapped in the face by
reality every other day smh. foolish......funny part is i only wanna
walk away bc i know in the back of my head things wont go back to how
they used to be...if things turned around and i believed things would
and he showed me, id be a down ass btch for continuing the relationship
we've built. call me stupid, w.e. ill learn the long, painful hard way.
ive broken. I've hit rock bottom. I've been absent. but im still
here.....if only niggas could find a female as loving and loyal as
me...better yet, if only i could find someone that actually wants to be
loved and dedicated to only me....things would be perfect.

once upon a time..

i feel like i had it all.
bt maybe i didn't really have anything at all.
i don't know why i let the same things upset me.
let my feelings get hurt.
let my love be taken advantage of...
im fed up all the way up to the point when he puts a smile on my face
again..
how easily influenced i am..silly of me.
i cnt figure out how long or much i have to hurt until i give up
trying.
i dnt really know what im trying for.
its not a relationship bc i know that's unrealistic.
i dnt know why i still expect the same loyalty and dedication...
the same love, when i already know THAT love no longer exists.
why i can put all this into perspective and put it into words bt still
deal w. it is beyond me.
maybe i am stupid. foolish. love is blind bt i see everything and im
still blinded by something...
why i cnt love myself enough to know when its time to let go...i dnt fkn
know. idk what im holding on to. im making up excuses for my reasons.
its the truth tht he is mybest and damn near only friend. its the truth
tht if he's nt in my life im by myself. bt i guess that's only my fault
for letting him be the only person to surround me.
i can't be desperate for love...other ppl love and can love me. bt he's
the only person that lets it be known...sometimes..
the hardest thing to acknowledge is that even though his love for me
still exists...its not the love he gave me when i fell in love. he
wouldnt put me first anymore if he had to choose and that drives me
crazy. i refuse to be 2nd to anyone besides a mother or child. and in my
mind i guess i keep fighting to try to stay prominent when i know im not
the alpha anymore.
i guess the day i let go will be the day i dnt want his love anymore...
that'll probably be the same day i find someone who loves me better.

too little, too late.

i miss blogging bt sometimes i feel like expressing how i feel serves no
purpose cus im still dealing w. the same shit i have been since damn
near a year ago. im over it, bt at the same time part of me isn't. i
don't know what im feeling anymore..i used to call it love bt i have
doubts now, i don't believe in it...i have no hope for it. what do yu
call tht? the fact that the greatest thing i ever felt is now slowly
depleting in front of me is..i dnt even know what to call it. im sad,
hurt, disappointed..bt im at this breaking point where i dnt even care
cus i expect it. I've put so much into the relationship tht it is and is
not that i jst have nothing left to give. i really dnt know why im still
giving when its nt even a relationship and i guess that's where i set
myself up for failure. why i expect him to care or even understand is
expecting too much bc i alreadyy know he's in love w. someone else and
wants to be w. them bt i keep lying to myself and telling my heart he's
gonna come back to me....one day. why i keep thinking one day will be
anyday near i have no idea. i set myself up for disappointment. i don't
even blame anyone else for my heartbreak these days bc i mostly set
myself up for it. I've went from relationship to relationship for so
long tht i dnt even know how to deal w. heartbreak and letting myself
heal smh. i usually find someone else i really like and let them
distract me frm the pain until i dnt feel it anymore...bt this time i
dnt have that. its not working this time. i haven't found tht person
that's gonna help me get over my first real love and its driving me
crazy bc i dnt know how to let go. i did tho, for about 2 weeks i was
good! then i relapsed..i wanna keep the friendship bt i wanna leave the
emotion...how do yu detach emotion from a 2 year long
friendship/relationship?? is that even possible? why i continue to let
him suck me back in w. nights full of laughter and love is beyond me. i
guess i jst miss being wanted...being loved by someone. bt i dnt want it
under these conditions. i want love back, that ride or die, i cnt be too
long away from you, i think abt yu before i sleep and when i open my
eyes, i wanna spend the rest of my life w. you LOVE. how i once thought
i had that then it vanished into thin air...i still dnt understand. the
dynamics of emotions and love i cnt fully interpret bc I've only
experienced how i love and what i feel..i guess seeing tht someone can
be in love w. you then fall out jst as fast is amazing and unbelieveable
to me all at the same time. i wish i could go hard on love and be like
FK LOVE! i don't want it, i don't need it! bt id be lying. i can't lie
to my heart even tho it lies to me everyday. i know its time to let go
again...let it ride. bt i have to figure out what it is that im holding
on to...cus i could probably do without it .

patience is a virtue...

that i jst don't possess anymore. I've been patient for so long over so
many things im jst anxious all the time, and waiting for things makes me
agitated. at this point right now in my life i feel as though im a hop,
skip, and jump away from losing my mind. I've been patient, I've been
praying, I've been hopeful, I've tried to stay strong..and I've even
made some changes yet somehow i don't feel like I've completed all the
changes i need to make. i feel lost and alone, uncared about, unloved,
jst deserted to say the least. maybe i sabotaged myself by always
building up walls around myself for time to jst figure things out alone
bt now when i need people to be there so that i can jst be happy and try
to enjoy life and not focus on the negatives, no ones present. i don't
have any friends..i do but nt the kind of friends i want..not like hs
friends..you know those ppl tht were always there no matter what..when
you were inseperable, that's non existant now. i dnt think i have a
bestfriend. my ex was my bestfriend and that's possibly one of the
biggest mistakes I think i ever made and im learning that the hard way.
i think our relationship sustained so many damages it might nt be able
to be salvaged the way i wanted...and im slightly devasted by this bc i
tried so hard over the past month to accept the way things are and push
myfeelings to the side and realize i deserve better and someone who
wants to be w. me so that i could stop interfering w. his happiness and
relationship and focus on my own..nonetheless our "we tell each other
everything" relationship is obsolete . he doesn't tlk to me about his
relationship bc he says he doesn't feel comfortable and i guess thts
understandable considering me and his gf dnt have the greatest history
bt tht doesn't mean i dnt care or wanna listen if he needed that..he
doesn't really tlk to me about anything anymore...it jst hurts knowing
he's keeping his life from me now. our convos dnt feel the same and he
told me dnt trip it jst takes time bt i dnt think i have anymore time to
give. sometimes i think id rather jst let the relationship go
period...and it pisses me off bc everytime i tell myself i am and we go
a few days w.out talking he never fails to hmu and instead of jst
ignoring him i eat it up and we go back to laughing and talking. i can't
even call him my bestf anymore, i jst don't feel close anymore and i cnt
help bt wonder if its bc of the sht i put us through these last few
months not being able to let go or jst him pulling back bc he knows if
we keep our relationship the same its gonna result in flirting and back
into the same retarded circle we've been around a billion times. its
hard for me to let go of this friendship though, i feel like if i let it
go i wont have anybody left that really cares about me bt tht doesn't
really matter bc he's not around much lately anyways...i know he has his
own life&issues and he can't always be my pillow but he's jst that
person thts always been there for so long. i know i can stand alone bt i
jst don't wanna always BE alone. i don't wanna lose everything weve
built, all the history..no one knows me more or better than him.. ugh,
im trying nt to cry bt im jst so upset. i know that everything in life
changes and im okay with that bt this is one of those things i never
thought i lose. i lost our love and relationship but the friendship
too??! im jst overwhelmed. and i dnt really wanna complain to him about
it bc to me it jst comes off as something else im unsatisfied with to
annoy him as if i haven't complained enough over the last half a year :(
i know id be okay if i jst had someone else in my life to keep me
occupied..someone to give me those extra smiles bt i don't and it makes
things so much harder than i want. im tired of talking about the same
ass shit . i jst want things to go right. i don't wanna lose his
friendship bt the way things are going i think i have to face the fact i
might..even worse, i may lose the most cherished friendship and last
bestfriend i may possibly have .

new day...same me. --just wiser.

i took a break from blogging, people in my life, sociaizing, basically
jst shut myself away from the world..partly by choice and partly bc i
don't have anyone left. this time has been both enlightening and
emotionally frustrating. I've took the time to get to know Myself better
mentally, physically, spiritually, and I've attempted multiple times
emotionally yet i haven't completely conquered it. im close tho! i think
i moreso avoid it at this point. I've confronted the reality of things
so many times and although the pain gets weaker it never goes away...my
heart still makes tht funny feeling between racing and skipping beats
when i think of him, its crazy. exhausting. I've jst convinced myself i
can't do it anymore. i can't allow myself to care, to feel, to love
anymore bc i can't force myself to stop and freely letting myself do it
has the same effects. holding on feels almost as bad as letting go.

for the most part im happy. im not where i wanna be yet but i know im on
my way..they say life is about learning what and what not to do and
that's basically all I've gone over about a bazillion times in my mind.
all the things i did/didn't do. all the things he did/didn't do. all the
things tht could've been/used to be that aren't. the things i want and
the things that are. but you know i can spend minutes,hrs, days, weeks,
and months going over it but i can't go back in time. this is what it is
and something that i can't and never could control, accepting that is my
biggest hurdle. i don't want to feel the pain but i resort back to open
sores bc they never become scars. and i blame no one but myself...my
heart makes things so much more difficult than they need to be. i can
tell myself a millionnnn times let it go. let it go. let it go. move on,
be happy. he's happy, he wants yu to be happy. it jst wasn't meant to
be. ect. ect. ect. BUT my heart jst wont accept it. and I've taken the
time to try to understand why and the only thing i can come up with is
that i can't accept that i genuinely trusted and believed someone (that
never lied to me) and how fast everything that was once truth became
lies when love wasnt in the same place anymore....it feels like it
happened so fast bt it changed over months and i think of how i helped
to sabotage myself bt none of tht even matters. im not mad anymore bt i
know im still hurt bc whenever we talk i end up going back to something
we've already discussed. i don't mean to but emotions are
uncontrollable...i really regret a lot of things over these past few
months. things I've allowed myself to do. to accept. looking back on how
i let insecurities interfere and eat away at something that meant the
world to me. i don't regret our relationship. i just miss what we had.
the chemistry still exists, the situation jst isn't the same. so many
mistakes, pain, resentment and misunderstandings have buried what used
to exist and i feel like all the reasons we fell in love got lost. we
both agreed we wanted to start over jst forget everything and start our
friendship over and it worked for about 3days mutual feelings were
coming back then i let myself ruin that bc it wasn't the right time
...we can't start over and forget everything in the middle of something
that isn't finished. ill never understand how deep my love runs..he
probably wont either. ill never understand why im still in love..why i
can't let go, but I've jst accepted it and now I've settled w. avoiding
it bc idk how else to deal w. it. i jst hope that one day i can look
back on all of this and know it was for the best. maybe things will get
better, maybe they wont. but i wont try to force love to leave where its
been living. if it wont leave on its own then maybe that means its where
its supposed to be...it'll jst stay dormant until someone comes along
and wakes it back up.

be be soon !

I've come to the conclusion that i can never write enough or update you
all enough for ppl to just idk, understand i guess. i know people are
gonna have their own opinions or judgements bc that's what ppl do, and
I've put enough of my life out there to be given opinions about
nonetheless I've never cared much for opinions or judgements bc no one
knows exactly what i feel or what i been/go thru. its been a hell of a
rollercoaster ride bt i cnt even update you guys on what's been going on
this past week. but i can say that im happy. i can say that i don't hurt
. i can say tht me and james have had plenty of long talks and have
agreed to start over. not in a relationship as in being together bt just
being able to love each other enough to be able to forgive and move
forward. im content with this so i dnt need anyone to shit on my shine .
im the only person in the relationship tht knows 100 percent of
everything thts happened. i share a lot bt i cnt share everything bc its
entirely too much to share . he's not a bad person, never has been. jst
young and growing and thts something I've always known and respected. im
still young and growing myself. but i jst feel like i need to take a
break on blogging jst to pull my life together and see things in a
different light. ill still post sparatically:) and im still reading my
fav blogs!! so ill be around :) i love you guys , ttyw.

im trying really hard to find this place im searching for...this place
of comfort. where i don't feel any pain or care about what happened or
the reality of things. smh. I've dug myself in a deep hole i can't crawl
out of . i keep telling myself to let go bt i think im afraid that if i
do i wont find love again..it isn't true but its a comfort im accustomed
to. its been 7 months and i still wish things weren't over. going over
what caused the relationship to fail, helps me to understand what not to
do next time but also makes me regret not paying attention to what i
should've done to not lose what i had. losing love is the most
emotionally draining thing that can ever happen to you besides someone
you love dying. i messed up so bad believing sht would never end...smh.
i feel so naiive. foolish. i feel like im either gonna go crazy or never
stop hurting bc i wanna let go of the man i love but i wanna hold on to
the bestfriend i have...the problem is they're the same person. i can't
be friends without being emotionally attached . its like do i let it all
go? or do i jst deal w. it everyday til someone new comes along? i feel
like everything was together in my life for achange and right now
everything is back apart. smh. i got a brand new lease on life last week
and i said i wasn't gonna cry anymore. and i guess that didn't work ...i
keep thinking im at that fed up point and my mind keeps playing tricks
on me bc i step back into the hole i jst left as soon as i smile again.
and i can smile all day long. and cry myself to sleep at the end of the
day bc it aint nobody but jst me . i get so mad at my two relationships
before this one bc maybe if i was treated right and wasn't shaped into
the way i was i wouldnt have been so scared to lose love that i
indirectly lost it bc i never stood up for how i felt. ...i wish god
would just send someone to me to change my life bc right now nothings
helping. all i want is my love back, i don't understand what's so hard
abt that:(

248am.

i felt like drinking my sadness away earlier bc im jst tired of all the
ups and downs..it succeeded for about as long as i was out til i made it
back to my bed. im upset. i feel like i never get the chance to heal w/o
something else adding on to what's already been bruised. i feel like ill
never get the oppurtunity to say how i really feel and actually be
heard. i feel like I've jst been used and abused for months now. lied
to and taken advantage of. if i could understand the concept of why its
so hard for me to let go of this love i would be so grateful. deep down
inside i know it'll never be like it was. idk why i still wish for it.
but somewhere in my broken blinded heart i wanna believe that the love
is still there....i mean it is...bt never like it used to be. they say
the hardest thing is to watch the one yu love love somebody else and
I've watched it for so long id like to think idc anymore but it still
bothers me. it still affects me....still hurts me. i never thought id be
in a relationship where id be the only one in love. he told me a few
days ago that he is still in love with me and that means practically
nothing bc the situation still stands as it is. what does that mean
anymore? your still in love with both of us? and still holding on to me
while your with someone else....can i live? in some ways i wish he never
even told me that bc it jst made me start to wonder why he did...and
then hope set in. when its really nothing to hope for. i have to keep
coming to this realization that she's the one he wants. but he tells me
im the one he needs. WTF DOES THT MEAN when yu still want what you
want?? he says he's nt playing w. my ♥ bt it is. he knows how i feel.
im unsure how he feels but all i have to do is read his actions. but
then again they're constantly contradicting each other . i wanna love
him so bad that i don't even wanna love him anymore bc it causes me so
much pain tryna fight for something I've already lost. and i can't
really be mad at anyone but myself bc i know i need to let it go but i
always let him back in somehow. i feel like i need to find tht someone
to help guide me away...bt im scared to trust someone that much again.
they pull you in then they leave yu stuck . you give em everything you
have. all your love , your trust, your ♥ and they take it when they
want it then they leave you sitting there empty and broken while they
find someone else . every single person I've ever given my ♥ to has
done the same exact thing. they lied and they left. how am i ever
supposed to be the woman i used to be if i keep getting damaged over and
over? how do i fix my trust? how do i fix my ♥? i let him fix my
heart. i gave it to him and he gave it back bc "i deserve someone better
and he doesn't deserve me" but that's so unfair ! why can't that be MY
decision? why can't i decide what's best for me?? im not stupid, i know
what's for me and what's not. sometimes i feel like that's jst an excuse
he used to try to push me away to make it easier for him to stray...wht
kind of girl do i have to be for me to deserve him?? i mean who's to say
anyone "deserves" anyone else? who makes that decision? i hate coming
back to this place everytime i get hurt. i hate that i have to cry into
a pillow bc there's nobdy to listen or even care. im pretty sure
everyone who reads my blog is tired of hearing the same ass sob story bc
im the only one putting up with it. but i can't be the only girl in the
world that's ever loved thiss hard :'( im so mad at myself for letting
myself fall so hard that im too weak to get back up and walk away. i
start walking and then he comes back and i cnt leave :'( and i jst keep
hurting myself over and over again bc i keep letting him back in knowing
he's nt coming back for me. and it breaks my heart again . and i end up
crying bc i let myself be in love again when i should really be in hate.
i can't figure out if im weak or jst plain stupid that i would be the
happiest person in the world to jst start our relationship all over
again. to jst forgive and forget and move forward. is that real love or
jst idiocracy? you would think love actually made a difference , bt it
doesn't. its jst a word at this point. yu can't make anyone love you the
way you wanna be loved. i jst wanna go back:'( i would give anything jst
to go back to may 21st and have that happiness and completeness back. i
jst wanna go back. before the complications, and hurt, and other people.
i jst want us. i want out love back :'( and i can't get it backk to how
it used to be and that hurts more than anything .
after all this , maybe i shouldn't want his love anymore. maybe he
doesn't deserve a love as loyal and genuine as mine. but idk what anyone
elses love is like...i don't want anyone elses. and im too scared to let
someone else love me bc I've been pushed over so many times jst by
giving my love to someone i thought deserved it...there's nothing in the
world i miss more than love. i can't get that feeling back and its
devastating to know someone else is enjoying what i used to get . did i
really deserve to lose that?what makes me not deserving of love? all i
want is to be loved. why can't i keep that? :'( i been crying the whole
post so i know its time to go to bed smh gn.

july 16th .

its been so much going on that i don't even have the energy to recap. i
apologize but talking about my life and love life are jst tiring at this
point bc its always up and down . things started to look up for a moment
then i let my emotions get the best of me (as usual). i give up. if its
meant to be then ill let god make it happen. im moving on w. life. I've
been job searching which is like looking for the damn devil in this heat
but i gotta stay focused ...i neeeedsss moneeyyyyy lol. i haven't talked
to james in about 3 days. feels like forever ...im okay tho, I've come
to the point where i think he's more of what i want than what i need.
meaning i could live w/o him , he's not necessary to live but i don't
wnna lose him out my life . its going on two years in another month
soooo yea . idk . i miss him but whatever , i hope he's taking the time
he needs for hisself to put things into perspective . i wish him the
best tho...no need to hate jst bc things didn't work out the way i
wanted. life is what it is . you win some , lose some , and never get
none . lol basically. im ready for whatever God has in store for me .
hopefully great things :) i can feel it . i wanna start going back to
church too , i need to make a reconnection w. him cus i mean i still
pray but i think i need to hear some of the word from time to time jst
for better spirits . I've never been really religious so im nt fenna act
holier than thou bt its time for something new :) anyways . im fenna try
to go to bed its 2am ...and sleepless nights haven't been anything
foriegn lately :/ rest in peace to all my loved ones I've lost ..esp B
jst cus i was talking abt him earlier . suuuuwwoooooop! for old times
sake lol. ily. Gn all !!

july 10th .

well its 4am and i jst got home about 30-40 mins ago. i went out w. ms.
daja [ www.sincerelydaja.com ] and some of her friends and enjoyed
myself and the company :) i have to admit im really enjoying vegas for
the most part lol. i was startin to get tired of all the attention tho
lol, well maybe it wouldnt have been so bad if they were a tad bit cuter
! but if one more guy asked me to have their bby i was gonna scream
lmbo. but im glad to know i still got it 8-) im tired so ima about to
hit tha sack , bb soon ! gn .

july 9th .

im jst laying here staring at the ceiling listening to music and reading
blogs in between. i finally came to the conclusion i jst need to give
myself the time to move along..i loved now its time to let go. things
never go as iwant them to so i guess i can't be disappointed. im jst idk
emotionless i guess. love gives me a headache and liars give me a
migrane. i was reading back through my posts and sometimes it makes me
cringe at how much i swear lol. i have the mouth of a redneck sailor -_-
...swearing has always been my worst habit . i really need to work on it
bc i hate how ignorant it sounds after tha fact. i mean when im saying
it im usually upset so it fits but when i go back im like o.O well dang
! lol. soooo im going to try to cut out all my favorite swear words...i
don't really know what to blog about now that im not in a relationship
..my blogs are always based on my emotions and what im going through
...im pretty fed upp. the result is im the girl wale is talking about in
diary and this blog is my diary lol. NO LIE. ill be okay tho, I've cried
about 9172974392718639293 times i don't even know how i can still
cry..bt im doing good im jst focusing on being happy and moving ahead..
i need to start my job search monday. i need to get in my dads ass cus
he still hasn't sent me my fkn birthcertificate so i can get my nv l's
and register my expired fkn tags >:o lol. i have to call csn tmw and see
if they received my transcripts and application since they can't email
me back w. any notification smh. i still feel good about this move to
las vegas...i jst want this to be beneficial..i hope when school starts
i meet some friends.they have alooot of ratchets out here lol..like a
lot. its like never leaving moval lol...but worse. on a more positve
note I've seen some cute faces and some not so cute faces lol. hopefully
the more i get out the more ill be exposed to bumping into someone to
possibly be interested in and take me out on a datee :) i wish i could
talk on tha phone right now! im jst bored....whatever . im gonna try to
go to bed..gn .

:/

i miss being in love :'( . i can't connect to niggas anymore.
conversation is boring. i miss feeling a certain way. i miss feeling
loved. i miss actually believing what's being said . i miss being in a
relationship . and idk why cus they don't lead anywhere ....i jst miss
the feeling . i hope i meet someone worth my time that actually wants to
be with me ...

july 7th , 201O.

I've been trying to recollect myself and my heart lately, i spent last
night and this morning trying to get everything off my chest to james
jst trying to get everything off so i can say its nothing left unsaid.
it kind of helped bt not really. he said he needs to give me more time
bc he knows im not ready or healed and that's something i know but i
asked him i mean how do you tell yourself to fall outta love? that's the
hardest thing bc you can't control emotions that's something that's
uncontrollable but i can't say im not trying. i can talk about it
without crying now. i jst get pissed off lol. i don't wanna get mad
though, that's something i have no control over you know.. im jst takin
it one day at a time.

im still trying to figure out why i even still care abt him when there's
about a million niggas that wish they could have me or be with me. for
example someone i don't like bt let give me head called me tonite and i
wasn't gonna answer bt i didn't kno who's number it was so i answered
and guess who it was? yep , him. so he's like where have you been ?! i
thought i was never gonna tlk to you again blah blah blah. so he asked
for my facebook and this nigga added me in abt 2.3 seconds lol no lie.
then left me a comment tlkin bout im his cup of tea and when i get back
im his lol even had tha audacity to say he was glad he ate me out
hahahaha i was like -_-. hahahhaa guys are crzy but its funny . i enjoy
this attention. too bad i can't take anything he says seriously . he's
not anybody i could take or wanna take seriously . lol bt ill take the
entertainment ...

anyways there was a main purpose for this blog bt im on tha phone and
textin so i cnt focus ill repost later.

ps - todays brandons 1 month anniversary since he passed :( i miss him
man , ily cuhkzo.

betrayal vs love.

"Betrayal is something you should never be forgiven for . Point blank
period . Because it is the intentional deceiving of a persons trust and
loyalty in you . Love IS loyalty . This is something nobody can debate
with me on because my mind is pretty much made up . "

my oldschool Bby Love wrote that. i fkn love his frame of mind ! i hope
i find a man that intellectual , its so sexy to me lol i used to always
tell hiim that when we'd have our conversations lol. bt
anywaysssss...tha whole reason i posted that was because that's the same
way i feel about love . I've ALWAYS been a loyal lover yet im always the
one that's betrayed. and its funny bc i always forgive them, but that's
only bc that's what the bible says. but even though i forgive i never
forget. the trust never stays the same. its hard to continue to wanna
stay loyal to people after youve been betrayed by practically everyone
youve ever given your heart to...so what's the solution to that
dilemma?? trust no one. don't sacrifice your heart to anyone. and
protect your own.

day 3.

well .. i enjoyed my 4th of july yesterdayy , i hit up 2 bbq`s thenn
watchedd a firework showw then hit tha strip w. my friend & her bf. i
was sooo tired by tha time i got home which was prolly abt 4am lol. it
was soooooooo many niggas trynaa holla when i was out lol, bt i was like
nahhhh im nt fenna start this right now lol. but im definately fenna
kill off over half of these vegas females cus idk where tha bad ones is
at bt they aren't much competition lol. im fenna find me a new boo :) or
a couple lol. ima prolly go to tha club this weekend and see wht it do .
im excited ...im nt really lookin into any serious relationships right
now cus i know im still in a healing process buuuut fk tht process my
hearts practically made of stone at this point lol. blah blah blah . im
so irritated talkin about tht shit. it jst pisses me off how i got
played lol. i jst wanna go off on everybody involved BUT its over so fk
it . on to tha next ...i didn't deserve what i got and karmas a real
bitch so i wish they relationship tha best . i got errands to runn soo ,
ill bb eventually .

day one - july 4th, 2010.

well tnite's my first nite in vegas ..nothings changed bc i still cnt
sleep so im jst up thinkin , watching tv...the drive went good except i
kept nodding out -_- like how tf do yu nod out while driving?? and like
i was trying so hard to stay awake smh. but we made it safe, it only
took us abt 2 and a half hrs to unpack tha truck so tht was reeeally
good for this weather lol. i didn't even get tht blk :) it was nice
seein my fam, right now im at my aunts house bc i wanted to sleep in a
bed after all tht work and she's giving me tha bed in her guest bedroom
! :) im sooo happy i dnt have to buy a mattress now lol. and this bed is
soo bomb, i cnt wait to fall asleep!...bt i cnt..maybe i need to jst put
my headphones in and sing til i fall...i jst have a lot of thoughts ,
about random things...im confident about this transition hopefully i
find a job bc i really want and need one.. now that im in vegas i dnt
really care tht ppl actin brand new simply bc im hundreds of miles away
now like oh well. i miss certain people. no names...i tlkd to james
today.. he tld me one of his homies was murdered and i feel horrible. he
was only 18! that's still a baby smfh. im so upset at what the world is
like, how do people jst kill people for unnecessary reasons? the only
way i think murder is ever justifiable is in self defense of defense for
another ... like no one should choose or wish death upon anyone elses
life except god. im worried abt him emotionally i wanted to be there
more ,bt i didn't really kno what to say..i wanted to jump back into the
"bby" mode bt i had to catch myself. everytime something emotionally
stressful happens i find myself callin or wanting to call him babe or
bby. i tlkd to him bt i jst told him id give him his space and im here
if he needs me and he knws tht...i hope he's okay tho, he's been going
thru a lot lately so i hope he stays focused and strong..bt yeaa i need
to get some sleep , im sure ill be getting into something tmw, happy
july 4th loves, gn .

viva las vegas ! :)

soooo , today was sooo exhausting ! i worked 12 hrs off 3 hrs off fkn
sleep n im still up . so we were supposed to rest and leave to vegas @
12 bt NOW we leavin at 4am . that's in 4 hrs bt im ready to gooo lol. it
don't matter i need some sleep cus tha min we get there we gotta unpack
tht damn truck . after i unpack ima be knoooooocked ! lol. i hope i find
something to do for thha 4th ..my aunts havin a bbq i think bt i wanna
go out lol. see what's out there lol. if i don't its cool...they'll be
other days . but YEA, im sleepy . ill bb when i touch down :) gn .

irony .

its 435 in tha mornin , i need to wake up in 4 hrs bt this wale song
came on while im tryna fall asleep and my eyes popped wide open...
i always liked diary since the first time i heard it cus i love marsha
ambrosius but FK! this sht is like the story of my life now . lol. i
hate when songs always remind me of something . this song used to make
me smile bt now its jst ironic...songs are really the only thing tht
been keepin me focused lately. idk what id do w/o music. bt yeaa , i
hope i find someone like wale ..jst w. tht mindframe that has the heart
to attempt to be patient w. me after everything i been through. ill be
alright its jst gonna take some time. w. that said gn , ill bbs.

resentment.

I wish I could believe you then I'll be alright
But now everything you told me really don't apply
To the way I feel inside
Loving you was easy once upon a time
But now my suspicions of you have multiplied
And it's all because you lied

I only give you a hard time
'Cause I can't go on and pretend like
I haven't tried to forget this
But I'm much too full of resentment
Just can't seem to get over the way you hurt me
Don't know how you gave another who didn't mean a thing
The very thing you gave to me
I thought I could forgive you and I know you've changed
As much as I wanna trust you I know it ain't the same
And it's all because you lied

I only give you a hard time
'Cause I can't go on and pretend like
I haven't tried to forget this
But I'm much too full of resentment
I may never understand why
I'm doing the best that I can and I
I tried and I tried to forget this
I'm much too full of resentment
I'll always remember feeling like I was no good
Like I couldn't do it for you like your mistress could
And it's all because you lied

Loved you more than ever
More than my own life
The best part of me I gave you
It was sacrificed
And it's all because you lied

I only give you a hard time
'Cause I can't go on and pretend like
I tried and I tried to forget this
But I'm too damn full of resentment
I know she was attractive but I was here first
Been ridin' with you for two years why did I deserve
To be treated this way by you?
I know your probably thinking what's up with jelliee?
I been crying for too long what did you do to me?
I used to be so strong but now you took my soul
I'm crying cant stop crying cant stop crying
You could of told me that you wasn't happy
I know you didn't wanna hurt me
But look what you done-done to me now
I gotta look at her in her eyes and see she's had half of me
How could you lie ??

july 1st, 2010 .

its sort of annoying that i can spend so much time trying to make
decisions that should be made in the blink of an eye. im emotionally
drained, and sometimes i feel like i need a friend and other times i
don't. i had to choose btwn keeping james in my life as a friend or
letting everything go yesterday. and i attempted to let go bt instantly
broke down bc that's the only person in my life that actually attempts
to try to stay in it. and it helped me fall asleep knowing i wasn't
alone last night, it was alright thinking about spending time together
as friends after i get to vegas but im still unsure. everytime i talk to
him all the pain subsides bt then it all comes back and thinking of him
makes my heart ache. i let myself go through this over n over bc i begin
letting go then when he comes back i let him back in even tho i tell
myself im not. i can't heal frm what i feel. jst knowing he's in love
with someone else and not me makes me so angry, upset, full of so many
emotions and i can't do anything about it. im trying to convince myself
it'll get better w. time...like after i see him and i adapt to being
friends it'll get easier ...but idk how to jst be a friend, I've had
that problem for tha past 6 months since we broke up. longer than that.
damn. we haven't been together in 6 months..it doesn't even seem that
long. bc on & off whether were official or nt our relationship never
changed up until tha last 3 months or so. ughhhhhhhhhh . i fkn hate this
. i hate how our relationship ended up like this. i hate feeling like i
got gipped out of my own love. i hate feeling like he loves her more
than he did me. he doesn't agree but his actions jst speak so many
volumes tht he doesn't see...how do yu keep loving someone that broke
your heart? does that make me weak or desperate...smh. its upsetting. i
pump myself up like i dnt need him and i don't . i knw i dnt need him
but the comfort of his presence is immaculate. like its goin on two
years...and he's been makin me smile everyday since tha day i met him :(
i wish i could go back to being that girl i was when we met ..so full of
love and optimism. i got my heart hurt back to back and im more
heartbroken then ready to love. i still have the ability to love , im
jst scared to. i wish i knew how not to love so hard ...i guess ill work
on that. either way, idk where this relationship/friendship of ours is
headed . i guess ill leave him alone like i intended. his relationship
is more impt than our friendship to him so he can have that. i don't
wanna keep fighting over things i can't change or have no control over.
i jst wanna stop hurting. ill give this friendship a few weeks jst to
see if i can handle it, if the pain will fade ..but i know it wont..ill
jst end up suppressing it like i do everything else. i jst wanna be
happy again without my heartbreaking everytime i see someone in love or
hear the name james. i wanna get over it and move on like he did, cus im
the only one still trying to hold on to something nonexistant. i wanna
believe everything tht was once told to me . but those are jst fantasies
now bc they'll never come true. well i can't say never but i would nvr
get my hopes up on him ever picking my heart back up. i guess i lived
and i learned love & heartbreak the hardheaded way. better luck next
time .

i try to be so strong bt the minute love lost came on i broke down like
a baby...trey never lied when he said your whole worlds thrown off.
like everything i once believed in i don't anymore. and im sittin here
cryin like a bby and i dnt even have anyone to say its gonna be okay. i
dnt any shoulders to cry on, no people to run to . jst tears in my
pillow. i dnt understand how the same thing can make me cry so many
tears. no one ever said this would be the repercussion on giving your
heart away. no one ever said jst cus yu give it away doesn't mean tht
persons gonna keep it. no one ever said it was gonna hurt for weeks and
weeks. i feel like such a crybaby. and nobdy even cares. the worst part
abt it all is tht im alone. i have to go thru everything alone. i wish i
jst had someone to tell me nt to cry ... cus when i tell myself i cry
harder. ...ig2g

loveless .

"i know that i love you but let me jst say, i don't wanna love you in no
kind of way. no, i don't wanna broken heart. i don't wanna be the
brokenhearted girl..noo, noo"

tht song is on repeat in my head. im past my limit . idc anymore, i jst
don't. i don't feel loved anymore... i can't even love him anymore.
what's the point? we can't even be friends bc of this new relationship.
wht am i loving him for? someone already took that position, now we cnt
even be friends !?? whts the point of loving or caring? the relationship
no longer has any meaning. im numb. i can't cry, i cnt be mad, can't be
sad. i jst don't care anymore. its like whatever to fkn everything. i
don't wanna be in love anymore and idc if anyone ever loves me again in
life. love is like a disease tht jst cripples yu. its all great gets you
all high , then when tha high is gone yu hit rock bottom and the pain
jst fks yu up all over. i mean i cnt dwell upon wtf went wrong bt i
loved entirely too hard to end up with nothing. i know i fkd up bt not t
h a t bad ! not to deserve this. how tf am i ever supposed to trust
someone tell me they love me when someone tht i trusted more than
anybody i know, tht loved me first, and i believed loved me jst as much
as i did them fell out and now nothings the same? i don't care if im
ever in another realtionship again if thts what it takes to protect my
heart cus ill never let another person break it again. im not bitter, i
jst dnt care anymore. everytime i think im in love i get hurt. its jst
old now . im not dealin anymore. and im stuck w. either dealin w. niggas
that only wanna fk pretty girls or being stuck friends w. people i like
bc they don't wanna ruin tha friendship. ooh weeelll.

i wish i had a friend right now. i don't have anyone. guess its jst me &
god left. cus people sure don't last long . my stomach is in knots frm
holdin in all the emotion bt i cnt even cry. tears dnt do sht bt make yu
more emotionally exhausted and don't solve shit. so, yea . ill be on my
way now. i trust no one and nothing . everythings deceiving. ill keep
myself satisfied one day at a time & stay true to myself cus im always
gonna be the only person that wont disappoint my feelings or my ♥. i
guess the only person i can love is me. gn.

smfh .

and jst that fast that happy aspect flew out tha window .

fk everybody . im doinn meeeeeeeeee !

:)

im happy right now lol , like all smiles and it feels soo good bt im
scared to enjoy this bc something never fails to snatch it all away . im
jst trying to enjoy this for what its worth. no thinking or wondering bc
the minute you start trying to come up with ways to keep that happiness
is the same minute it ends. but im happy right now. i cnt figure out
what's stronger my heart or my mind bc my heart can feel so complete
when it was jst so broken ...or maybe my mind jst believes what it wants
and convinces my heart to follow . eitherr wayyyyyyy lol. i cnt trust my
heart or my mind right now, i can only trust how i feel...and when it
feels right even though i know its wrong...i know that's a sign i need
it ....i think .

um.

im trying really hard to be okay . not be sad. not cry. bt being all by
myself is hard. i dnt have friends so its hard to keep myself busy. I've
been packing stuff and everything but that still leaves my mind open to
think....im upset still . my ♥ still hurts , i wish i never gave it
away now. i don't wanna go through this anymore it gets easier bt tha
pain never really goes away . its hard to accept that someone all of a
sudden doesn't love you anymore. its hard on me period bc that was like
the best thing tht ever happened to me i don't have tht anymore or my
bestfriend :( my eye keeps dropping tears lol. i jst really wish i could
forget everything. i can't even cherish our good memories the way i used
to bc i jst wanna cry bc we were so happy and i wonder how i fkd up
things so bad tht i made him fall outta love . am i that bad? why can't
anyone love me :( im really like heartbroken. im really trying to nt cry
or dwell on things bt its hard to try to force my ♥ to heal bc the
pain doesn't go away. i don't wanna be bitter or scared . bt i can't
love again, im scared to death. how am i supposed to know someone really
loves me ? i thought i found someone tht loved me to death. through
everything bad and good...im fenna fkn start cryin again . i can't keep
tryna hold back tears bc i dnt wanna cry about this everytime i try to
be okay. how was i wrong ? i believed everything he ever told me bt none
of that means anything anymore bc the choice he made contradicted it
all. all i can do is work on my attitude and being a more positive
person ..i never wanna lose love bc of me anymore it weighs sooo heavy
on me. whatever man , i really hope im healed by next month sometime cus
i don't wanna deal w. this anymore. i don't wanna deal with anything
anymore .

in my opinion ,

I've come to the realization ALL niggas are the same. i used to think
differently bt over these past couple of weeks w. no emotions, or love
or any bullshit of that nature to blind me, im startin to see things for
what they are...people tend to wonder why girls act like bitches and ima
say that: A. bc they choose to be or B. they turned tht way frm being
hurt too many times or C. both ....like i know i act like a btch
sometimes bt im really abt to become a REAL bitch . like i know that my
rudeness is a defense mechanism i now have frm being ran over too many
times by being little miss nice all the time, and i still find myself
doing overly nice shit and still gettin ran tf over . i hate it !!! like
man .im jst fed up . like do i really deserve the way i get treated?? do
i??? i mean forreal!? smh, it makes no sense. doesn't matter if im nice
or if im mean, i always get played in some way. i fkn hate people. i
hate males. and then they wonder why about 75% of all females are bi now
smh . im like what's really the point in trying to be genuine in a
relationship anymore? cus im prolly one of the few genuine ppl left tht
dnt care abt shit like cars nd money but nahhhhhhhhh , im fenna be on
tha same sht as everybdy else for now on ..simply trickin niggas . i
can't love these niggas, they don't fkn deserve it ...its like every man
for hisself, they dnt gaf about yo feelins, wht yu got, what yu goin
thru. its jst all about if yu wanna fk or nt . if yu nt tryin too they
put yu to tha side cus yur not beneficial to them. then if yu wanna fk
its like ima fk her then put her back to tha side cus i can find a new
bitch to fk. whaaat in thee fuck kinda cycle is tht? niggas do anything
for a nut its fkn sad. i swear i hate niggas i jst dnt hate them enough
to start fkn w. females. it really jst sucks tht yu have to be by
yourself all tha time because nobodys worth your damn time. im really
jst about to delete everybody off everything likee what's the point?
everythings limited. they cool for tha amount of time you need them or
they need you then everythings abolished. im really clueless about some
people bc they're like devils in disguise. they jst go bad on yu with no
warning for no reason. its jst exhausting. I've come to the conclusion
that i care about the wrong people. i fall in love with the wrong
people. bc none of those people care about me , and all those people
fall out of love with me . maybe im jst not loveable or some shit idk ,
im really starting nt to care lol. i waste entirely too much energy
trying to keep love and friendship . fuck it all. all i want is my money
and my education. fuck marriage , fuck kids . i dnt want none of that bc
i can't see myself finding someone worth sharing that with. i thought i
found the perfect person but i was wrong . same shit in a different
light. but anywho im jst blabbing now . i said what i had to .... so
goodnight .

i finally broke down ...

i started off cryin cus i was thinkin about how much i miss my cuhkzo
cus he always popped up at times like this. he always listened to me
vent and never judged me and he always had somethin to say to make me
feel better . always looked out for me man , even frm the beginning smh
. he always tried to warn me before things went bad .. and even tho
james asked him to be there that whole time he was in jail, i
appreciated tf outta that. bc he didn't have to check on me everyday bt
he did and idk wht i wouldve done if he didn't keep me company tht
entire month . im sooo fkn madd !! why they have to do him like that :'(
i can't stop cryinn ...and i can't figure out if its cus now james is
gone too. and im gonna assume so cus typin tht jst made me start all
over:'(......i cnt type hldon.

man, ima miss b. i know him nd james bumped heads a lot bt even when me
& james wasn't together, brandon would always be like wassup cuhkzo!
lol. tht was my nigga man, we never argued in tha time we knew each
other all we did was laugh n tlk shit and even when one of us was down
we'd jst help each other out of it ...i dnt have anybody else like that
in my life . i dnt even have my best friend anymore...my play sis actin
brand new. regular friends actin brand new. i don't have anybody. but i
guess ill be alright. i was doin good nt cryin about my relationship bt
thinkin abt how i wish b was still here ...smh tht shit made me cry. he
may nt have been a saint and i cnt say if he was a good friend to
everyone bt he was a good one to me and i loved him for that. he didn't
deserve his life gettin taken frm him. i hate people. as for james...idk
how to feel, im over it and i was proud of myself for nt crying bt deep
down inside i think i have a lot of pain tht im jst afraid to touch. idk
how or when it'll go away bt hopefully i jst forget about it and keep
moving forward . i wish i could forget everything now cus the memories
hurt . our good memories make me cry bc now it reminds me of when he
still loved me . i wonder if he thinks of me . prolly not cus he's all
into his new love bt w.e . im trying to stay strong all by myself . im
my own support system . ill be okay ... god help me :(

i finally broke down ...

i started off cryin cus i was thinkin about how much i miss my cuhkzo
cus he always popped up at times like this. he always listened to me
vent and never judged me and he always had somethin to say to make me
feel better . always looked out for me man , even frm the beginning smh
. he always tried to warn me before things went bad .. and even tho
james asked him to be there that whole time he was in jail, i
appreciated tf outta that. bc he didn't have to check on me everyday bt
he did and idk wht i wouldve done if he didn't keep me company tht
entire month . im sooo fkn madd !! why they have to do him like that :'(
i can't stop cryinn ...and i can't figure out if its cus now james is
gone too. and im gonna assume so cus typin tht jst made me start all
over:'(......i cnt type hldon.

man, ima miss b. i know him nd james bumped heads a lot bt even when me
& james wasn't together, brandon would always be like wassup cuhkzo!
lol. tht was my nigga man, we never argued in tha time we knew each
other all we did was laugh n tlk shit and even when one of us was down
we'd jst help each other out of it ...i dnt have anybody else like that
in my life . i dnt even have my best friend anymore...my play sis actin
brand new. regular friends actin brand new. i don't have anybody. but i
guess ill be alright. i was doin good nt cryin about my relationship bt
thinkin abt how i wish b was still here ...smh tht shit made me cry. he
may nt have been a saint and i cnt say if he was a good friend to
everyone bt he was a good one to me and i loved him for that. he didn't
deserve his life gettin taken frm him. i hate people. as for james...idk
how to feel, im over it and i was proud of myself for nt crying bt deep
down inside i think i have a lot of pain tht im jst afraid to touch. idk
how or when it'll go away bt hopefully i jst forget about it and keep
moving forward . i wish i could forget everything now cus the memories
hurt . our good memories make me cry bc now it reminds me of when he
still loved me . i wonder if he thinks of me . prolly not cus he's all
into his new love bt w.e . im trying to stay strong all by myself . im
my own support system . ill be okay ... god help me :(

:)

i went out last night w. one of my exes and his bro to this afterparty
at this club in marina del rey on the pier ..it was so pretty ! but i
had fun lol. i was a lil iffy cus i dnt really care for goin out w. boys
cus i cnt have my lil grp of friends dancin w. me buuuuut i was tht bad
bitch by tha bar workin niggas ;) i seen my ex lookin lol i was laughin
in my head and his damn bro kept pullin me dancin w. me and tha its
funny cus he been tryna get at me on tha low, but i dnt do that tlk to
one nigga then move to the next family member that's triflin ...nt to
mention his bro aint cute lol. but it was nice chillinn w. my ex he was
flirtin and gon get mad cus all his homiess was askin who i was lmao .
when we got in tha car he gon say, " smh" ..i was like why yu shakin yo
head for?..he was like "cus yu ON!!"..i was like what yu didn't know??
he said "mann , everybody was on yu askin who yu were"..i said ha, and
what yu say 'my homegirl'...he was like nahh i told em yu was my ex and
theyy was likee awww damn!...i said "aw! hater!!" lmao!.....shit some of
them niggas was bomb :) i was tlkin to this tall liteskinn at tha bar bt
wasn't no point in canoodling since im movin on fridayy .. they asked me
to come w. them to the bet awards afterparty tnitee but i gotta do some
movin and washinn and im nt even fenna feel like puttin on some heels &
a dress after all that lol...so i guess i have to miss it . buuut it was
fun , too bad me and my ex always beefin otherwise i prolly woulda been
goin out w. him lol. oh well , im jst glad i enjoyed my last weekend out
here in california . i was considering havinn a lil late night special
w. myy ex for old times sake BUT i was like nahhhh lol i could tell he
wanted it especially after we danced cus his flirting w. me went up x10
lol. i wanted to have sex one more time before i move bc i know im about
to go back celibate for awhilee :/ but im nt fenna chase niggas for dick
smh and im nt puttin it out there to offer Sheeeit . so oh well i guess
my celibacy starts now lol. i enjoyed my last time tho :) hopefully my
nxt surpasses that . ugh , i dnt wanna have TOO HIGH hopes for vegas
buuuut i definately want it to be more enjoyable than this sht ! lol. i
got 2 months until skool starts sooo i guess i can kill off clubs in tha
meanwhile , hopefully i find that jooob... i hate hustlin in heat bt i
gotta do what needs to be done right? correct . but yeaa im fenna get up
and start bck w. this moving process *sigh* ill be back sooner than
later , gn !

its just me, myself, and i .

well, its no secret friends have expiration dates just like most shit
but i didn't expect to lose practically everyone i socialize w. in the
same month. im not understanding what i did wrong but i guess . first i
lost my bestfriend. now the 2nd closest person to me faked on me today .
and everyone else i tlk to on the regular is jst plain actin funny since
im moving. i simply don't have the energy to try to find out why no one
wants to tlk to me anymore. it seems like everyones happy and talkative
when im goin thru some shit but when im happy and wanna be happy,
everyone wants to act brandnew. at this point im like whatever. yu come
in this world alone, and yu die alone ...life isn't supposed to be
lonely bt I've adapted. i guess i can't keep expecting much frm anyone
bc the only person that'll never disappoint is myself. i just want to
move and find a fkn job to keep myself occupied. im nt about to cry cus
i don't have friends, im jst lowkey upset that nobody in the world knows
how to be genuine anymore. people are jst fake for no reason. its always
competition its always talking behind someones back its always tryna fk
with someone elses man its always some bullshit . i dnt have time for
that. like what happened to havin someone to confide in that's always
there to pick yu up and make u smile? shits practically nonexistant and
i can't call it karma bc I've never been a bad friend to anyone, if i
dnt like yu im simply nt gonna speak to you im not about to smile and be
nice then tlk shit afterwards tht shits dumb. buuuuuut i guess that's
the way things go in 2010 lol.

in other news i was talkin to zahkeem this morning..yea yea i kno. and i
had asked wht made him fall outta love and he said he didn't remember bt
he knows it was bc i was too negative and sad and always focused on more
bad than good.... it kinda sucks cus i guess that's like the same reason
james left. only difference is i left zahkeem bc of his ignorance....its
jst a reality check , i wish i wouldve noticed how bad it was before i
lost people i loved. and i hate negative people but i never noticed i
was one of them :-/ but im nt negative about other people , i usually go
hard on myself...bt either way i guess that's not tha best trait .
ssooooo with that said I've been doin a lot of reflecting and im working
on seeing life and things in another perspective...im entirely way too
smart and pretty to focus on so many negative things. i wanna be happy
and so i am . im choosing to to say fuck everything and be happy. im
letting go of the past and starting over bc the only person that can
change me is me. and i wanna grow frm my mistakes...i don't wanna lose
another person i love over the same thing bc it jst hurts too bad to
feel like your giving everything to make it work but it never works
anyways...im doing really good tho ! im actually proud of myself. i
haven't been crying and im nt depressed either. i don't hurt anymore. i
can think about the situation and just accept it for what it is. i cnt
say im nt sad that i lost my ♥ in the process but this is my time to
grow. i jst hope i can find my ♥ again.