17.7.10

248am.

i felt like drinking my sadness away earlier bc im jst tired of all the
ups and downs..it succeeded for about as long as i was out til i made it
back to my bed. im upset. i feel like i never get the chance to heal w/o
something else adding on to what's already been bruised. i feel like ill
never get the oppurtunity to say how i really feel and actually be
heard. i feel like I've jst been used and abused for months now. lied
to and taken advantage of. if i could understand the concept of why its
so hard for me to let go of this love i would be so grateful. deep down
inside i know it'll never be like it was. idk why i still wish for it.
but somewhere in my broken blinded heart i wanna believe that the love
is still there....i mean it is...bt never like it used to be. they say
the hardest thing is to watch the one yu love love somebody else and
I've watched it for so long id like to think idc anymore but it still
bothers me. it still affects me....still hurts me. i never thought id be
in a relationship where id be the only one in love. he told me a few
days ago that he is still in love with me and that means practically
nothing bc the situation still stands as it is. what does that mean
anymore? your still in love with both of us? and still holding on to me
while your with someone else....can i live? in some ways i wish he never
even told me that bc it jst made me start to wonder why he did...and
then hope set in. when its really nothing to hope for. i have to keep
coming to this realization that she's the one he wants. but he tells me
im the one he needs. WTF DOES THT MEAN when yu still want what you
want?? he says he's nt playing w. my ♥ bt it is. he knows how i feel.
im unsure how he feels but all i have to do is read his actions. but
then again they're constantly contradicting each other . i wanna love
him so bad that i don't even wanna love him anymore bc it causes me so
much pain tryna fight for something I've already lost. and i can't
really be mad at anyone but myself bc i know i need to let it go but i
always let him back in somehow. i feel like i need to find tht someone
to help guide me away...bt im scared to trust someone that much again.
they pull you in then they leave yu stuck . you give em everything you
have. all your love , your trust, your ♥ and they take it when they
want it then they leave you sitting there empty and broken while they
find someone else . every single person I've ever given my ♥ to has
done the same exact thing. they lied and they left. how am i ever
supposed to be the woman i used to be if i keep getting damaged over and
over? how do i fix my trust? how do i fix my ♥? i let him fix my
heart. i gave it to him and he gave it back bc "i deserve someone better
and he doesn't deserve me" but that's so unfair ! why can't that be MY
decision? why can't i decide what's best for me?? im not stupid, i know
what's for me and what's not. sometimes i feel like that's jst an excuse
he used to try to push me away to make it easier for him to stray...wht
kind of girl do i have to be for me to deserve him?? i mean who's to say
anyone "deserves" anyone else? who makes that decision? i hate coming
back to this place everytime i get hurt. i hate that i have to cry into
a pillow bc there's nobdy to listen or even care. im pretty sure
everyone who reads my blog is tired of hearing the same ass sob story bc
im the only one putting up with it. but i can't be the only girl in the
world that's ever loved thiss hard :'( im so mad at myself for letting
myself fall so hard that im too weak to get back up and walk away. i
start walking and then he comes back and i cnt leave :'( and i jst keep
hurting myself over and over again bc i keep letting him back in knowing
he's nt coming back for me. and it breaks my heart again . and i end up
crying bc i let myself be in love again when i should really be in hate.
i can't figure out if im weak or jst plain stupid that i would be the
happiest person in the world to jst start our relationship all over
again. to jst forgive and forget and move forward. is that real love or
jst idiocracy? you would think love actually made a difference , bt it
doesn't. its jst a word at this point. yu can't make anyone love you the
way you wanna be loved. i jst wanna go back:'( i would give anything jst
to go back to may 21st and have that happiness and completeness back. i
jst wanna go back. before the complications, and hurt, and other people.
i jst want us. i want out love back :'( and i can't get it backk to how
it used to be and that hurts more than anything .
after all this , maybe i shouldn't want his love anymore. maybe he
doesn't deserve a love as loyal and genuine as mine. but idk what anyone
elses love is like...i don't want anyone elses. and im too scared to let
someone else love me bc I've been pushed over so many times jst by
giving my love to someone i thought deserved it...there's nothing in the
world i miss more than love. i can't get that feeling back and its
devastating to know someone else is enjoying what i used to get . did i
really deserve to lose that?what makes me not deserving of love? all i
want is to be loved. why can't i keep that? :'( i been crying the whole
post so i know its time to go to bed smh gn.