im trying really hard to find this place im searching for...this place
of comfort. where i don't feel any pain or care about what happened or
the reality of things. smh. I've dug myself in a deep hole i can't crawl
out of . i keep telling myself to let go bt i think im afraid that if i
do i wont find love again..it isn't true but its a comfort im accustomed
to. its been 7 months and i still wish things weren't over. going over
what caused the relationship to fail, helps me to understand what not to
do next time but also makes me regret not paying attention to what i
should've done to not lose what i had. losing love is the most
emotionally draining thing that can ever happen to you besides someone
you love dying. i messed up so bad believing sht would never end...smh.
i feel so naiive. foolish. i feel like im either gonna go crazy or never
stop hurting bc i wanna let go of the man i love but i wanna hold on to
the bestfriend i have...the problem is they're the same person. i can't
be friends without being emotionally attached . its like do i let it all
go? or do i jst deal w. it everyday til someone new comes along? i feel
like everything was together in my life for achange and right now
everything is back apart. smh. i got a brand new lease on life last week
and i said i wasn't gonna cry anymore. and i guess that didn't work ...i
keep thinking im at that fed up point and my mind keeps playing tricks
on me bc i step back into the hole i jst left as soon as i smile again.
and i can smile all day long. and cry myself to sleep at the end of the
day bc it aint nobody but jst me . i get so mad at my two relationships
before this one bc maybe if i was treated right and wasn't shaped into
the way i was i wouldnt have been so scared to lose love that i
indirectly lost it bc i never stood up for how i felt. ...i wish god
would just send someone to me to change my life bc right now nothings
helping. all i want is my love back, i don't understand what's so hard
abt that:(



i felt like drinking my sadness away earlier bc im jst tired of all the
ups and downs..it succeeded for about as long as i was out til i made it
back to my bed. im upset. i feel like i never get the chance to heal w/o
something else adding on to what's already been bruised. i feel like ill
never get the oppurtunity to say how i really feel and actually be
heard. i feel like I've jst been used and abused for months now. lied
to and taken advantage of. if i could understand the concept of why its
so hard for me to let go of this love i would be so grateful. deep down
inside i know it'll never be like it was. idk why i still wish for it.
but somewhere in my broken blinded heart i wanna believe that the love
is still there....i mean it is...bt never like it used to be. they say
the hardest thing is to watch the one yu love love somebody else and
I've watched it for so long id like to think idc anymore but it still
bothers me. it still affects me....still hurts me. i never thought id be
in a relationship where id be the only one in love. he told me a few
days ago that he is still in love with me and that means practically
nothing bc the situation still stands as it is. what does that mean
anymore? your still in love with both of us? and still holding on to me
while your with someone else....can i live? in some ways i wish he never
even told me that bc it jst made me start to wonder why he did...and
then hope set in. when its really nothing to hope for. i have to keep
coming to this realization that she's the one he wants. but he tells me
im the one he needs. WTF DOES THT MEAN when yu still want what you
want?? he says he's nt playing w. my ♥ bt it is. he knows how i feel.
im unsure how he feels but all i have to do is read his actions. but
then again they're constantly contradicting each other . i wanna love
him so bad that i don't even wanna love him anymore bc it causes me so
much pain tryna fight for something I've already lost. and i can't
really be mad at anyone but myself bc i know i need to let it go but i
always let him back in somehow. i feel like i need to find tht someone
to help guide me away...bt im scared to trust someone that much again.
they pull you in then they leave yu stuck . you give em everything you
have. all your love , your trust, your ♥ and they take it when they
want it then they leave you sitting there empty and broken while they
find someone else . every single person I've ever given my ♥ to has
done the same exact thing. they lied and they left. how am i ever
supposed to be the woman i used to be if i keep getting damaged over and
over? how do i fix my trust? how do i fix my ♥? i let him fix my
heart. i gave it to him and he gave it back bc "i deserve someone better
and he doesn't deserve me" but that's so unfair ! why can't that be MY
decision? why can't i decide what's best for me?? im not stupid, i know
what's for me and what's not. sometimes i feel like that's jst an excuse
he used to try to push me away to make it easier for him to stray...wht
kind of girl do i have to be for me to deserve him?? i mean who's to say
anyone "deserves" anyone else? who makes that decision? i hate coming
back to this place everytime i get hurt. i hate that i have to cry into
a pillow bc there's nobdy to listen or even care. im pretty sure
everyone who reads my blog is tired of hearing the same ass sob story bc
im the only one putting up with it. but i can't be the only girl in the
world that's ever loved thiss hard :'( im so mad at myself for letting
myself fall so hard that im too weak to get back up and walk away. i
start walking and then he comes back and i cnt leave :'( and i jst keep
hurting myself over and over again bc i keep letting him back in knowing
he's nt coming back for me. and it breaks my heart again . and i end up
crying bc i let myself be in love again when i should really be in hate.
i can't figure out if im weak or jst plain stupid that i would be the
happiest person in the world to jst start our relationship all over
again. to jst forgive and forget and move forward. is that real love or
jst idiocracy? you would think love actually made a difference , bt it
doesn't. its jst a word at this point. yu can't make anyone love you the
way you wanna be loved. i jst wanna go back:'( i would give anything jst
to go back to may 21st and have that happiness and completeness back. i
jst wanna go back. before the complications, and hurt, and other people.
i jst want us. i want out love back :'( and i can't get it backk to how
it used to be and that hurts more than anything .
after all this , maybe i shouldn't want his love anymore. maybe he
doesn't deserve a love as loyal and genuine as mine. but idk what anyone
elses love is like...i don't want anyone elses. and im too scared to let
someone else love me bc I've been pushed over so many times jst by
giving my love to someone i thought deserved it...there's nothing in the
world i miss more than love. i can't get that feeling back and its
devastating to know someone else is enjoying what i used to get . did i
really deserve to lose that?what makes me not deserving of love? all i
want is to be loved. why can't i keep that? :'( i been crying the whole
post so i know its time to go to bed smh gn.


july 16th .

its been so much going on that i don't even have the energy to recap. i
apologize but talking about my life and love life are jst tiring at this
point bc its always up and down . things started to look up for a moment
then i let my emotions get the best of me (as usual). i give up. if its
meant to be then ill let god make it happen. im moving on w. life. I've
been job searching which is like looking for the damn devil in this heat
but i gotta stay focused ...i neeeedsss moneeyyyyy lol. i haven't talked
to james in about 3 days. feels like forever ...im okay tho, I've come
to the point where i think he's more of what i want than what i need.
meaning i could live w/o him , he's not necessary to live but i don't
wnna lose him out my life . its going on two years in another month
soooo yea . idk . i miss him but whatever , i hope he's taking the time
he needs for hisself to put things into perspective . i wish him the
best tho...no need to hate jst bc things didn't work out the way i
wanted. life is what it is . you win some , lose some , and never get
none . lol basically. im ready for whatever God has in store for me .
hopefully great things :) i can feel it . i wanna start going back to
church too , i need to make a reconnection w. him cus i mean i still
pray but i think i need to hear some of the word from time to time jst
for better spirits . I've never been really religious so im nt fenna act
holier than thou bt its time for something new :) anyways . im fenna try
to go to bed its 2am ...and sleepless nights haven't been anything
foriegn lately :/ rest in peace to all my loved ones I've lost ..esp B
jst cus i was talking abt him earlier . suuuuwwoooooop! for old times
sake lol. ily. Gn all !!


july 10th .

well its 4am and i jst got home about 30-40 mins ago. i went out w. ms.
daja [ www.sincerelydaja.com ] and some of her friends and enjoyed
myself and the company :) i have to admit im really enjoying vegas for
the most part lol. i was startin to get tired of all the attention tho
lol, well maybe it wouldnt have been so bad if they were a tad bit cuter
! but if one more guy asked me to have their bby i was gonna scream
lmbo. but im glad to know i still got it 8-) im tired so ima about to
hit tha sack , bb soon ! gn .


july 9th .

im jst laying here staring at the ceiling listening to music and reading
blogs in between. i finally came to the conclusion i jst need to give
myself the time to move along..i loved now its time to let go. things
never go as iwant them to so i guess i can't be disappointed. im jst idk
emotionless i guess. love gives me a headache and liars give me a
migrane. i was reading back through my posts and sometimes it makes me
cringe at how much i swear lol. i have the mouth of a redneck sailor -_-
...swearing has always been my worst habit . i really need to work on it
bc i hate how ignorant it sounds after tha fact. i mean when im saying
it im usually upset so it fits but when i go back im like o.O well dang
! lol. soooo im going to try to cut out all my favorite swear words...i
don't really know what to blog about now that im not in a relationship
..my blogs are always based on my emotions and what im going through
...im pretty fed upp. the result is im the girl wale is talking about in
diary and this blog is my diary lol. NO LIE. ill be okay tho, I've cried
about 9172974392718639293 times i don't even know how i can still
cry..bt im doing good im jst focusing on being happy and moving ahead..
i need to start my job search monday. i need to get in my dads ass cus
he still hasn't sent me my fkn birthcertificate so i can get my nv l's
and register my expired fkn tags >:o lol. i have to call csn tmw and see
if they received my transcripts and application since they can't email
me back w. any notification smh. i still feel good about this move to
las vegas...i jst want this to be beneficial..i hope when school starts
i meet some friends.they have alooot of ratchets out here lol..like a
lot. its like never leaving moval lol...but worse. on a more positve
note I've seen some cute faces and some not so cute faces lol. hopefully
the more i get out the more ill be exposed to bumping into someone to
possibly be interested in and take me out on a datee :) i wish i could
talk on tha phone right now! im jst bored....whatever . im gonna try to
go to bed..gn .



i miss being in love :'( . i can't connect to niggas anymore.
conversation is boring. i miss feeling a certain way. i miss feeling
loved. i miss actually believing what's being said . i miss being in a
relationship . and idk why cus they don't lead anywhere ....i jst miss
the feeling . i hope i meet someone worth my time that actually wants to
be with me ...


july 7th , 201O.

I've been trying to recollect myself and my heart lately, i spent last
night and this morning trying to get everything off my chest to james
jst trying to get everything off so i can say its nothing left unsaid.
it kind of helped bt not really. he said he needs to give me more time
bc he knows im not ready or healed and that's something i know but i
asked him i mean how do you tell yourself to fall outta love? that's the
hardest thing bc you can't control emotions that's something that's
uncontrollable but i can't say im not trying. i can talk about it
without crying now. i jst get pissed off lol. i don't wanna get mad
though, that's something i have no control over you know.. im jst takin
it one day at a time.

im still trying to figure out why i even still care abt him when there's
about a million niggas that wish they could have me or be with me. for
example someone i don't like bt let give me head called me tonite and i
wasn't gonna answer bt i didn't kno who's number it was so i answered
and guess who it was? yep , him. so he's like where have you been ?! i
thought i was never gonna tlk to you again blah blah blah. so he asked
for my facebook and this nigga added me in abt 2.3 seconds lol no lie.
then left me a comment tlkin bout im his cup of tea and when i get back
im his lol even had tha audacity to say he was glad he ate me out
hahahaha i was like -_-. hahahhaa guys are crzy but its funny . i enjoy
this attention. too bad i can't take anything he says seriously . he's
not anybody i could take or wanna take seriously . lol bt ill take the
entertainment ...

anyways there was a main purpose for this blog bt im on tha phone and
textin so i cnt focus ill repost later.

ps - todays brandons 1 month anniversary since he passed :( i miss him
man , ily cuhkzo.


betrayal vs love.

"Betrayal is something you should never be forgiven for . Point blank
period . Because it is the intentional deceiving of a persons trust and
loyalty in you . Love IS loyalty . This is something nobody can debate
with me on because my mind is pretty much made up . "

my oldschool Bby Love wrote that. i fkn love his frame of mind ! i hope
i find a man that intellectual , its so sexy to me lol i used to always
tell hiim that when we'd have our conversations lol. bt
anywaysssss...tha whole reason i posted that was because that's the same
way i feel about love . I've ALWAYS been a loyal lover yet im always the
one that's betrayed. and its funny bc i always forgive them, but that's
only bc that's what the bible says. but even though i forgive i never
forget. the trust never stays the same. its hard to continue to wanna
stay loyal to people after youve been betrayed by practically everyone
youve ever given your heart to...so what's the solution to that
dilemma?? trust no one. don't sacrifice your heart to anyone. and
protect your own.

day 3.

well .. i enjoyed my 4th of july yesterdayy , i hit up 2 bbq`s thenn
watchedd a firework showw then hit tha strip w. my friend & her bf. i
was sooo tired by tha time i got home which was prolly abt 4am lol. it
was soooooooo many niggas trynaa holla when i was out lol, bt i was like
nahhhh im nt fenna start this right now lol. but im definately fenna
kill off over half of these vegas females cus idk where tha bad ones is
at bt they aren't much competition lol. im fenna find me a new boo :) or
a couple lol. ima prolly go to tha club this weekend and see wht it do .
im excited ...im nt really lookin into any serious relationships right
now cus i know im still in a healing process buuuut fk tht process my
hearts practically made of stone at this point lol. blah blah blah . im
so irritated talkin about tht shit. it jst pisses me off how i got
played lol. i jst wanna go off on everybody involved BUT its over so fk
it . on to tha next ...i didn't deserve what i got and karmas a real
bitch so i wish they relationship tha best . i got errands to runn soo ,
ill bb eventually .


day one - july 4th, 2010.

well tnite's my first nite in vegas ..nothings changed bc i still cnt
sleep so im jst up thinkin , watching tv...the drive went good except i
kept nodding out -_- like how tf do yu nod out while driving?? and like
i was trying so hard to stay awake smh. but we made it safe, it only
took us abt 2 and a half hrs to unpack tha truck so tht was reeeally
good for this weather lol. i didn't even get tht blk :) it was nice
seein my fam, right now im at my aunts house bc i wanted to sleep in a
bed after all tht work and she's giving me tha bed in her guest bedroom
! :) im sooo happy i dnt have to buy a mattress now lol. and this bed is
soo bomb, i cnt wait to fall asleep!...bt i cnt..maybe i need to jst put
my headphones in and sing til i fall...i jst have a lot of thoughts ,
about random things...im confident about this transition hopefully i
find a job bc i really want and need one.. now that im in vegas i dnt
really care tht ppl actin brand new simply bc im hundreds of miles away
now like oh well. i miss certain people. no names...i tlkd to james
today.. he tld me one of his homies was murdered and i feel horrible. he
was only 18! that's still a baby smfh. im so upset at what the world is
like, how do people jst kill people for unnecessary reasons? the only
way i think murder is ever justifiable is in self defense of defense for
another ... like no one should choose or wish death upon anyone elses
life except god. im worried abt him emotionally i wanted to be there
more ,bt i didn't really kno what to say..i wanted to jump back into the
"bby" mode bt i had to catch myself. everytime something emotionally
stressful happens i find myself callin or wanting to call him babe or
bby. i tlkd to him bt i jst told him id give him his space and im here
if he needs me and he knws tht...i hope he's okay tho, he's been going
thru a lot lately so i hope he stays focused and strong..bt yeaa i need
to get some sleep , im sure ill be getting into something tmw, happy
july 4th loves, gn .


viva las vegas ! :)

soooo , today was sooo exhausting ! i worked 12 hrs off 3 hrs off fkn
sleep n im still up . so we were supposed to rest and leave to vegas @
12 bt NOW we leavin at 4am . that's in 4 hrs bt im ready to gooo lol. it
don't matter i need some sleep cus tha min we get there we gotta unpack
tht damn truck . after i unpack ima be knoooooocked ! lol. i hope i find
something to do for thha 4th ..my aunts havin a bbq i think bt i wanna
go out lol. see what's out there lol. if i don't its cool...they'll be
other days . but YEA, im sleepy . ill bb when i touch down :) gn .


irony .

its 435 in tha mornin , i need to wake up in 4 hrs bt this wale song
came on while im tryna fall asleep and my eyes popped wide open...
i always liked diary since the first time i heard it cus i love marsha
ambrosius but FK! this sht is like the story of my life now . lol. i
hate when songs always remind me of something . this song used to make
me smile bt now its jst ironic...songs are really the only thing tht
been keepin me focused lately. idk what id do w/o music. bt yeaa , i
hope i find someone like wale ..jst w. tht mindframe that has the heart
to attempt to be patient w. me after everything i been through. ill be
alright its jst gonna take some time. w. that said gn , ill bbs.



I wish I could believe you then I'll be alright
But now everything you told me really don't apply
To the way I feel inside
Loving you was easy once upon a time
But now my suspicions of you have multiplied
And it's all because you lied

I only give you a hard time
'Cause I can't go on and pretend like
I haven't tried to forget this
But I'm much too full of resentment
Just can't seem to get over the way you hurt me
Don't know how you gave another who didn't mean a thing
The very thing you gave to me
I thought I could forgive you and I know you've changed
As much as I wanna trust you I know it ain't the same
And it's all because you lied

I only give you a hard time
'Cause I can't go on and pretend like
I haven't tried to forget this
But I'm much too full of resentment
I may never understand why
I'm doing the best that I can and I
I tried and I tried to forget this
I'm much too full of resentment
I'll always remember feeling like I was no good
Like I couldn't do it for you like your mistress could
And it's all because you lied

Loved you more than ever
More than my own life
The best part of me I gave you
It was sacrificed
And it's all because you lied

I only give you a hard time
'Cause I can't go on and pretend like
I tried and I tried to forget this
But I'm too damn full of resentment
I know she was attractive but I was here first
Been ridin' with you for two years why did I deserve
To be treated this way by you?
I know your probably thinking what's up with jelliee?
I been crying for too long what did you do to me?
I used to be so strong but now you took my soul
I'm crying cant stop crying cant stop crying
You could of told me that you wasn't happy
I know you didn't wanna hurt me
But look what you done-done to me now
I gotta look at her in her eyes and see she's had half of me
How could you lie ??

july 1st, 2010 .

its sort of annoying that i can spend so much time trying to make
decisions that should be made in the blink of an eye. im emotionally
drained, and sometimes i feel like i need a friend and other times i
don't. i had to choose btwn keeping james in my life as a friend or
letting everything go yesterday. and i attempted to let go bt instantly
broke down bc that's the only person in my life that actually attempts
to try to stay in it. and it helped me fall asleep knowing i wasn't
alone last night, it was alright thinking about spending time together
as friends after i get to vegas but im still unsure. everytime i talk to
him all the pain subsides bt then it all comes back and thinking of him
makes my heart ache. i let myself go through this over n over bc i begin
letting go then when he comes back i let him back in even tho i tell
myself im not. i can't heal frm what i feel. jst knowing he's in love
with someone else and not me makes me so angry, upset, full of so many
emotions and i can't do anything about it. im trying to convince myself
it'll get better w. time...like after i see him and i adapt to being
friends it'll get easier ...but idk how to jst be a friend, I've had
that problem for tha past 6 months since we broke up. longer than that.
damn. we haven't been together in 6 months..it doesn't even seem that
long. bc on & off whether were official or nt our relationship never
changed up until tha last 3 months or so. ughhhhhhhhhh . i fkn hate this
. i hate how our relationship ended up like this. i hate feeling like i
got gipped out of my own love. i hate feeling like he loves her more
than he did me. he doesn't agree but his actions jst speak so many
volumes tht he doesn't see...how do yu keep loving someone that broke
your heart? does that make me weak or desperate...smh. its upsetting. i
pump myself up like i dnt need him and i don't . i knw i dnt need him
but the comfort of his presence is immaculate. like its goin on two
years...and he's been makin me smile everyday since tha day i met him :(
i wish i could go back to being that girl i was when we met ..so full of
love and optimism. i got my heart hurt back to back and im more
heartbroken then ready to love. i still have the ability to love , im
jst scared to. i wish i knew how not to love so hard ...i guess ill work
on that. either way, idk where this relationship/friendship of ours is
headed . i guess ill leave him alone like i intended. his relationship
is more impt than our friendship to him so he can have that. i don't
wanna keep fighting over things i can't change or have no control over.
i jst wanna stop hurting. ill give this friendship a few weeks jst to
see if i can handle it, if the pain will fade ..but i know it wont..ill
jst end up suppressing it like i do everything else. i jst wanna be
happy again without my heartbreaking everytime i see someone in love or
hear the name james. i wanna get over it and move on like he did, cus im
the only one still trying to hold on to something nonexistant. i wanna
believe everything tht was once told to me . but those are jst fantasies
now bc they'll never come true. well i can't say never but i would nvr
get my hopes up on him ever picking my heart back up. i guess i lived
and i learned love & heartbreak the hardheaded way. better luck next
time .
i try to be so strong bt the minute love lost came on i broke down like
a baby...trey never lied when he said your whole worlds thrown off.
like everything i once believed in i don't anymore. and im sittin here
cryin like a bby and i dnt even have anyone to say its gonna be okay. i
dnt any shoulders to cry on, no people to run to . jst tears in my
pillow. i dnt understand how the same thing can make me cry so many
tears. no one ever said this would be the repercussion on giving your
heart away. no one ever said jst cus yu give it away doesn't mean tht
persons gonna keep it. no one ever said it was gonna hurt for weeks and
weeks. i feel like such a crybaby. and nobdy even cares. the worst part
abt it all is tht im alone. i have to go thru everything alone. i wish i
jst had someone to tell me nt to cry ... cus when i tell myself i cry
harder. ...ig2g