One friend

Youre everything you said you weren't and everything I thought you'd never be,
We used to be You used to be.
Somewhere we got lost. I don't know u anymore. I remember him I remember her, I only remember who we were. Now I know you so well that nothings new. Yu kno me so well tht your just through.
Nothing left to learn, not amused
No laughs no connection
I keep going over this relationship
A Thorough inspection
Everything good must end so maybe this is it? I'm part of a past collection, would u miss it?
Friends. jst lovers. friends&lovers. jst friends.
I lost where we started so I can't see where we would end. Maybe we were over before we began? I learned to love you then yu taught me to kill feelins. True story: Love kills when you let it.
Our friendship committed suicide after your love died, bittersweet homicide.. Or maybe I killed yu accidently when I tried to end me but yu jst lied to me? Ill never know.
Lost a homie lover and bestfriend all in One year, I wouldve never guessed itd only be One person and One day you'd grow distant nd basically disappear.
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Painful like hearing 'I love you' when you say it to her.
Her, only She is no longer Me, and Me and You are no longer We.
We died. I cried. You lied.
So many emotions I went numb
No feeling. Blank thoughts. Mute words. Deaf ears. Paralyzed .
I found tranquility in thoughts of Past laughs, past promises, past pasts.
Futures that never were, never would be. Presents that can't be opened
Your presence is unfocused.
Then I refocused, your unclear.
My mistake you were never really here
You talk so well I believed we were really meant to be
You deceived, silly me.
I gave you everything I had
You wanted more
No, you wanted less, less love
Less work, less real
Let's fake, and pretend We never existed.
Pretend the way you are with Her; Be happy, find love and then leave it
Dear Broken heart keeper,
I need It.
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This is For Me.

As each day passes, some things make more sense...others more confusing. The more I let go the more I question why I should hold on. I'm one step closer to where I wanna be...leaving that shattered naiive little girl behind. I look in the mirror and see pain...I see all the hurt I been through then I see my reflection smile back and I know life goes on. I've been wording it wrong all along...its not that I can't find me, I know who I am..who I'm supposed to be.... What I've really been searching for is my Worth. Where I lost it? Childhood..and its taken me so long to find it. Looking back on my past relationships...the verbal abuse I put up with...the self worth I lacked allowing me to put up with so much shit I shouldve never allowed bc I was afraid to lose something I didn't really need in the first place. Letting 'love' be the veil over my eyes covering all the things I shouldve seen bt only paid attention to what I wanted to. How did I let myself be so weak? How did I let the idea of love break me? I experienced love, but not the way I know its supposed to be, not the way I want it to be. Too many people fall in love with the 'idea of love' more than actually falling in love. I know I fell in Love...and I think the people I was in love with were only in love with the idea of loving me. I can't fathom love being so easy to fall out of and into with everyone I like. Its special, almost sacred. Ill tread very lightly with who fall in love with and choose to let it be known. You might nt choose who u fall in love with but lust helps you decide who u WANT to be in love with and never again will I allow myself to be walked over by a man bc I'm afraid to lose him. A man will never be afraid to lose you. There's a million of "you". Your loss is another womans gain. I shouldve seen it that way years ago. I hate to feel so picky at this point but I'm not settling again, ever. I settle too often nd it leaves me unsatisfied when things don't work because it was never really worth it. I have no happy endings. Just to be continued's. I hope that all my love doesn't always turn to hate or disinterest, Its upsetting. Nonetheless I've gained a better understanding to my insecurity and lack of self worth. I know where I stand and what I deserve. I will not lessen these for love. The only thing I hope is that when the few men I gave my heart to look back on how they treated me they can also remember how I gave them honest, straight from the heart Love. No pretending no for shows, no bullshit. I gave love the only way I knew how --the way I wanted to be loved back, and if they couldn't fathom that, that's their loss bc a lot of people can't and/or will never be able to give love the way that I gave it.....PURE.
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I feel like I'm running to a destination I can't reach. I see it bt I never get there. I see the ground moving bt I don't feel my feet hitting the ground. I'm unstable. That's the word that comes to mind when I think of myself. Its like I have it all figured out bt I dnt really know anything at all. My emotions are constantly conflicting with my state of mind...I go thru so many emotions in a day its exhausting. I woke up tired, then got anxious, sad, mad, disappointed, careless,happy, liberated, excited, then down. I attempted to pull myself up bt it didn't work. I'm starting to think I have a chemical imbalance in my brain causing me to be so all over the place, possibly my depression.... I want so mny things...though most of them are unreachable. It doesn't stop me from trying to reach whts left. I don't want whts in front of me...some call tht ungrateful...I'm jst not about to settle for what I know I don't want. Like I miss having friends... bestfriends. I dnt feel like any are the same (old nd new)...I dnt believe their genuine anymore...tht makes me wanna cry. I miss getting along with someone so well tht everything is always nothing bt endless convo nd laughs. That's the way it used to be...

Ifeel like I lose all my bestf's..like I feel stupid when I call james my bestf now cus I dnt feel like our definition is the same.. We disagree on how I feel versus how he feels abt our friendship bt why agree to disagree? I'm nt satisfied with that bc I dnt feel understood. I kno Its diff now bc of course were trying to be platonic when we've always had feelings for each other. I feel insecure abt it..like I dnt really know how he really feels abt me as a person bc I only knew how he felt when he loved me. I cnt help bt feel like when him nd his new gf tlk abt his 'stalkers' and 'ppl tht complain abt him nt hittin thm up ' that they're referring to me...like wht if he was,hed nvr tell me..bt then its like why would he keep tlkn to me if he felt tht way? They're probably nt ...bt the fact tht I feel like I bug him more than he enjoys my company makes me feel like maybe he would joke abt me to her...I cnt think of anyone else he would mean :/ How do you discuss a friendship without making it awkward? He takes it as me saying he's nt a good friend anymore..bt thts nt what I'm saying...I jst feel distanced. And maybe it is normal bc I'm jst too accustomed to tlking all day everyday bc before we had feelings for eachh other and now we don't...I dnt expect to feel as relevant as a gf but at the same time I feel like a bestf should have some kind of relevance. He said 'your the only friend I tlk to everyday'...bt our convos are never satisfying,they dnt feel like bestf convos. Its like he disappears, forgets to respond...or jst doesn't. Then i feel annoying when im txting again like hellooo? Are u gonna respond? its jst like I can sit and I can see frm both sides wht he means nd also how I feel and I cnt expect him to meet my expectations bc its what it "used to be"...but I hate feeling like the trust isn't the same. I hate doubting what he says. I hate when he doesn't do what he says nd I sound like the annoying ex gf bc I'm disappointed abt it. I guess I'm jst upset the aura of our relationship is different now when I never wanted it to change. And I dnt mean the love or relationship part, I jst mean the enjoyment of how well we got along..its like a seesaw now. I hate tht I have to blog abt it bc it bothers me so much. I cnt tlk to him abt it without it turning completely around. Idk why I feel like he doesn't really wanna tlk to me since the feelins aren't there Anymore...I guess I kinna feel like since he doesn't have any interest in me anymore he's nt interested in wht I have to say now.. I guess the insecurity comes frm the disinterest. He said he doesn't believe I'm over him....bt mentally I am. I know I've conditioned myself to get over..gotta fake it til u make it. But I can say I know I'm nt in love with him anymore bc I can deal with a lot more sht than I used to...bt I can tell I'm still emotional bc a lot of sht still hurts my feelins... Bt thts jst me in general lately everything hurts my feelings. I'm always hurt, I've gotten to be the most sensitive I've ever been in my life. Probably bc I'm the most vulnerable I've ever been. I walk around together when I feel like a million pieces tht aren't fitting back together...how am I gonna find another bf when I cnt even find the part of myself I lost? I can't believe I lost so much of myself...better yet gave away..that was foolish. I miss receiving unconditional love bt never again do I think I can give it....my heart healed bt the scars will forever remind me of the pain.
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I had a talk last nite with this boy I used to mess with, whose really in touch with God and his faith. I hate to admit tht it used to freak me out a little bit, nt bc I don't believe in God but bc it was jst odd to me. I realized we had a lot in common but I also realized I lost myself. I strayed away from God. And I'm not writing this post to start talkin abt how I found God and I'm a changed person bc I'm still growing, I know I still have a lot to work on. Bt I know I also need to put a lot more faith in God and let him stress for me. Ill drive myself crazy trying to change things ill never be able to change. I need to jst trust god had his best foot forward and putting me through these situations for a reason. I figure maybe that's why I'm still suffering, bc I never acknowledged that. That could have simply been my lesson frm day one...but I won't know until I start making some changes. I feel a lot better today. Liberated:) ....as far as my struggle with james....I think I haven't fully forgiven him. I mean I have but the fact I'm still holding on to shit from 10months ago...I haven't forgiven him the way I need to. I need to forgive him for myself bc I'm suffering not him. Maybe one day ill tell him I truely forgive him but right now I know I'm still not ready. I know my heart won't stop loving him...but I know ill be okay one day. Ill be able to love him and nt feel any pain. Jst memories from learning what love is about. Which isn't about being together, its about acceptance. Accepting the good and bad. The ups and downs, what it is and isn't. What it was and will never be....and loving that person regardless.
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This isn't for you.

I guess its jst me. Nobdys hitttin me bck...maybe cus its saturday. Maybe no one wants to tlk to me. I feel really self destructive. I spent my entire morning figuring out school and my career choices and right now at this moment I dgaf abt any of it. I wanna give up. I wanna close my eyes nd jst nt wake up. I wanna know how I made so many wrong choices tht I ended up like this. So fucked up. I feel like a destroyed masterpiece. I feel so beautiful some days, jst everything I'm supposed to be. Then I have nights like this...in my bed listening to music letting tears fall while I try to write the pain away. They say suicide is selfish. I guess it is. All the things I'm supposed to think abt I don't. I jst think abt nt being miserable anymore. Not dealing with any of this anymOre. Idk if heaven nd hell exist bt I dnt wanna go to hell...I'd rather spend eternity with my loved ones tht aren't Here anymore...so thts another reason. Then I always think of brandon nd how someone took his life. And how he was mad cus I tld him I didn't want mines. I wish I could give mines for his so his daughter could have him back. I'd give my life for that. Bt thts nt really an option. Idk how I became so fkd up...so ready to die. So sensitive.. I dnt wanna be like this. I dnt wanna be on drugs either. I dnt want my pain to be numbed by alcohol. I wish someone warned me young love comes nd goes before I gave it everything and let it. Destroy me. I wish I didn't always fall for the wrong guys and make the dumbest choices. I wish I knew how to let go without needing someone else to distract me. I need help. I wish I could tell my mom that without hurting her. I wish I could be by myself without getting depressed. I wish I could erase myself and start over. Its too late...I'm brokenhearted and emotionally unstable. I wonder how long it'll take to fix myself...
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I'm always lost...sometimes I feel found bt that feeling never lasts too long. I feel like I'm too smart to go through the sht I put myself through. But I doubt that bc I'm constantly confused. I don't understand life. I don't think I really respect life. Maybe I jst don't know how to make life work for me... Or maybe I jst can't accept tht life is predestined nd I need to jst let shit happen nd let it go rather than being upset and trying to make it change. I have nobdy right now. My best....friend . Is gone. He said we shouldn't talk bc I need time to heal bc my feelins for him affect the friendship...I hate to agree he's right. I never wanted to let go after we broke up bc I was afraid I'd lose him...lose his love. But holding on caused the same thing. I can be upset tht he broke my heart the rest of my life bt like he said..he was 19. I never really thought of it like that. The only perspective I seen was we loved each other and it was supposed to be real.. But the fact our relationship didn't last doesn't mean the love was fake...it jst wasn't meant to be. Now 2yrs later I'm having a harder time not having a friend bc he's been my closest friend and the only person I tlk to damn near everyday. Maybe I became too dependent. But I refuse to regret everything and say it was all a mistake. The fact tht I know all of this makes me think I'm ready to jst be his friend bt I know he won't believe me. Its only been 2days. 2days of a lot of thinking. A lot of avoiding. At this point its get my friend back or be bitter. And I really want my friend back. I dnt know why my heart refuses to let go of the emotions. I wish I could go bck to nt givin af cus at some point I didn't. Bt sometimes they jst come back. I cnt help it. I think I jst like knowng someones there for me. I need love right now in my life and I dnt have it..I dnt feel it. And I dnt even mean romantic love...I jst want to know someone cares abt me...wants me around. Someone to jst tlk to. I feel like at this point ima have to hire a therapist to listen to the sht I have to say...or I could keep blogging bt this doesn't really give me any answers. Shit a therapist might nt either...I jst feel like I'm stuck. I'm stuck btwn living nd giving up. Letting go and holding on. Looking and letting happen. Caring and nt caring. Crying and nt crying. I'm jst lost And confused and exhausted. I jst lay in bed sometimes nd cry jst bc idk anything and I'm unhappy. And I wanna be happy so bad! And I can be happy....bt when I'm all alone nd there's nothing, I remember All the things I dnt have. My whole world falls apart. I wish I had a bby to give my all to bt I know I couldn't take care of one by myself...even tho bbys are a 2person effort. I really jst want something to put my love into besides myself. I have soo much love to give nd it eats me up inside tht I have no one to give it to or no one tht even wants it for tht matter....I had sex on halloween jst for the affection. I jst wanted somebdy to hold me nd feel wanted...I jst felt at ease in someones arms...even if it was jst for the nite. It makes me sad tht thts wht it is...I dnt wanna be one of those girls lookin for love in all the wrong places. Its easy for ppl to say I dnt need it bt when did ppl stp needing affection? That's all I really want. To feel love from somewhere, even if its jst a conversation. And now I have no one to give me that...not even my bestfriend who I love more than anybody and was the last person to ever really love me. I really hope my emotions subside bc idk how long ill last without him there...I dnt wanna stress him or lose him...I jst dnt want him to give up on me bc I really need his love nd friendship...
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