i swear ive never been this easily irritated or impatient .
lately, shit jus been rubbinn me the wrong way .
little thingss too .
i jus be sittinn theree breathinn all hard n shit , trynaa calm my nerves .
thats sooo not like me !
im the most calm , nonchalant , not caring person i know of !
im assuming im jus overdue for a vacation .
im trapped in a box with the same issues constantly circulating && constantly facing me .
it getss frustrating .
i' ve never seen myself as selfish or a brat .
cus im not .
bt , lately ive noticedd i get mad off little shit
cus ppl wont do what i ask .
thats unusual !!!!
how tf did i get this way ??
idk , dont really care .
i dont care about alotta shit anymoree .
everything is 'ohhhhh wellll '.
im focused .
i gotta get ma shit back together .
&& soon , cus if i dont
ima losee my damnn mind !
i be feelinn like borderline spazzin out .
i needa punchin bag or somn .
i felt like whoopin somebodyss ass today cus i was mad .
&& im not even the fighting type ! lmaoo .
shit , this environment is reflecting negatively on my goodness .
i need a getawayy so i can jus . . . clear my mind .
i miss good times , && laughing , && hugging , && kissing && feeling loved .
i jus dont get any of that anymore .
the homie was jus tellin me today how he feels lonely ,
cus he not talkinn to no females right now .
&& i could kinda relate , i know how he feels cus ,
i used to be the same way .
im not AS lonely anymoree cus i have someone to talk to
and to comfort me , someone to love me bt im still lonely in ways , physically i guess .
i've jus totally blocked it out so i dont think about it .
i lwky feel like im becoming bitter ,
&& i DO NOT wanna be bitter .
i lovee laughing && loving .
bt im tiredd of trying bt not getting
what i should in return .
&& most people would look for it elsewhere .
bt , i dont even feel like doing that ,
im avoiding meeting new people .
i dont feel like doing that whole --
im this && im that , what are yuu into
get to know each other bullshit .
i dont wanna share myself with anyone else .
i dont wanna learn anybody actions && thought process .
i deal with enough as is .
**sigh . [ rolls eyes ] smh .
my lifee right now is jus annoying to me .
&& suree i can make it funn or w.e. if i wanted ,
bt on the contrary , i dont want that .
i just wanna find a dumb job && stay busy .
i dont even wanna have time to worry about what
other ppl are doing .
i jus wanna get back to doing me .
okay , so in honor of black history month :] i jus wanna talk about one of my fav old actresses & thats pam grier . she been around over 3 times my life lol . && she stillll bad !
you can see her on the L word :] im not into girls bt i lovvvvveeee that show , it got so muchh drama ! & i lovee how they all have exciting jobss && they all got good fashion && itss jus a nicee look into another world that i dont livee .
what gets me is that shes 60 ! && i was jus lookin at her on the show like dayyyyumm shee bomb af !
lol . i hopee i look like her when i get 60 =D
ferreal doe .
i was gon post moree picturess bt im lazy lol .
bottom linee is she been in the game for a min [sincee the 70's] && she still doin her thang ! :]
so ill juss updatee yuu on me these lass couplee dayss .
- im stilllllllll looking for employment >:O , i swear to godd itss never been this hard to find a job in my life . looking for a job in the i . e . [inland empire ] is likee lookin for a needle in a damnn haystack . smh . && im suree theress jobs out here , bt i guess it dont help that im picky . most of all the ppl i know that have jobs out here work in fass food , [ &no disrespect to the ppl tht work in that industry ] buuuut jellie's first job wasnt even fass food , so she really aint movin backwards to work fass food now . thats jus not for me , im str8 . lol . so i guess ill jus keeeep looking . itss so fuckin discouraging =/
- my lovee lifee is nicee at the moment . we're having one of our better weeks =] . i dont know what was so special about yesterday , but i havent heard him tell me he missed me && lovedd me soo muchh sincee before we brokee up . it was so refreshing && comforting :] it was kindaa jus like a reminder of how muchh he lovess me && how much i lovee him back . i lovee days like tht .
hopefully the good timess keep rollinnn :]
- family life . pshh . wtf is that . i spend all my time in the house . with my mom && her husband . && evenn tho i dislikee it most of the time , i still stay in the house . itss been a okay week tho .
no arguments or dramaa so its been str8 .
- i been thinking about goin out lately . i lowkey miss the party lifee , bt i jus havent brought myself to goin out yet . i will real soon tho :] i promisee !
all in all . lifee still fuckinn suckss . buuuuut , my main focus right now is findin me a fuckin job so i can get back on my feet . im 21 in october && i wanna start school this fall . i need income for all the shit i need to accomplish BEFORE then . whichh is ALOT lol . soooo . if anyone knowss anyone hiring or can help me in some type of wayy in this areaa . HELP ME ! im begging you ! im desperate ! - jus not desperate enough to work fass food [ dont judge me lmao .]
byee yall .
[ps] all i been listeninn to is ;
bobby v - the rebirth
slim- loves crazy
drake - so far gone
&& hella coldplay .
weirdd assss comboo huhhh ?? =/
" . . .so what i tend to do is to think , of today , as the past ; its funny when yuu comin in first bt you hope that you last ; you just hope , that it last . " - lust for life .
- self explanatory , im obsessed with this song :]
[fav song is uptownn tho ; tht shit is bananassssss !]
if you aint downloaded it yet , wtf are yuu doinn ????
**inhale , exhale**
i juss needa vent real fass .
cus me sittin heree thinking is making me frustrated .
mostly at myself .
im such a fucknn bag of emotions !
i swear it irritates me how emotional i am ,
&& itss like , it pisses me off !
i dont want every action i do , or someone does
to affect how i feel .
i should be able to control how i feel about certain things ,
bt i cant .
lotss of thingss hurt my feelings ,
when they shouldnt .
im jus a sensitivee ass person .
bt it depends on the situation .
cus sometime im tough as leather ,
&& sometimess im soft as cotton .
jus dependss on what it deals with .
lately ive come to the realization that ,
now that im not together with him
im insecure .
likee beforee ,
i was confident ,
&& expressive && idk , jus knew were i stood .
bt , now that were not together && i know
for a fact theres other girls he likess and talks to
i jus feel like idk ,
likee im losing .
its not that i think he lovess me any less ,
hes already reassured me .
bt itss just not enough to makee me feel how i used to feel .
cus i know that i no longer hold that position .
i mean i am still the alpha female . his number one choice .
but i still feel likee idk mannn ,
i guess im jus jealous cus im not the only female anymoree .
&& im usually NOT the jealous type .
bt now when hes not talking to me like he usually does ,
i start thinking hes talking to someone else .
he might be , or might not . && its fine ,
i mean were not together so hess free to do whatever ,
vice versa .
buut , im still idk .
i guess the fact i still wanna be with him
makes me feel this way .
mannn , idk , mannn .
i cant even explain exactly how i feel .
its complicated .
then i start feeling selfish cus i jus want things to be the way
i want them to be .
bt i have to respect the fact he doesnt wanna be in a relationship .
i mean that like a fact of life tho ,
you always want what yuu cant have .
true story .
whatever mann , fck it .
i been listenin to this on repeat for like the past 48 hrs .
U Got Me - slim of 112
he always sayss somn to me that makes me feel better .
"ahmor <3 ." (12:53:21 AM):
Well like u always talkin like u a fool n feel dumb cus u love me but I do really love u more thAn anything but like it's not that I don't show it r know how to make u understand but like I understand u n I think we stand n da same state a mind
simple as that .
i cryed lass nitee .
i truely thought i was done ,
bt i let my emotions get the best of me
&& sometimess , i cant fight it .
why did i cry ??
becausee i started to see thingss that i ' ve been blind to .
and it hurts my heart .
whyyy do i put up with the shit i do ?
i ask myself that everyday .
&& i can never come up with more than the fact that
i love him .
is that really enough ?
my sis/wifee said something to me that stuck , she said
"if its meant for you to let him go , then you will "
pretty contrary to what most ppl say ,
bt it makess me feel like im not being as stupid as i feel .
when i sit here trying to figure out why i cant let him go .
he asked me the other day if i was falling outta love with him
i guess cus of the way i was acting ,
bt i dont think its that .
i jus think im pulling myself away because im tired of being so vulnerable
and im the only one getting hurt .
i dont lovee him any less .
i jus dont wanna lovee him anymore than i already do .
sure , in reality, i could live without him .
bt in MY reality , i can 't .
i ' ve given him so much of me &&
im so used to him in my everyday lifee
that to jus walk away or try to push him away or
forget about him && act like i dont care anymoree
is too hard to deal with .
i can deal with with the fact were not together ,
i can deal with the fact hes doing whatever he wants with whoever he wants ,
bt i cant deal with they ' re being another HER , of importance .
someone that could potentially takee my spot .
bt i mean thats lifee .
im scared for things to end bt when you sit && actually
think about how many coupless actually last && do everything they promise each other .
itss not very many .
why do we sell these dreams to the ones we lovee
when we know none of its guaranteed ?
we can feel one way at one point , then everything changes
and everything you said before , now becomes lies bcus now
you made promises you no longer care to keep .
i always wish i didnt lovee so hard .
i mean this is the first time ive ever felt REAL mutual love
for someone . && i ' ve never experienced this kind of relationship .
i know what type of lover i am , && i love whole-heartedly .
with 1000% effort , support , loyalty ect .
i would do / give anything to & for him .
bt idk , if thats what he wants .
bt who wouldnt ?
males confuse me .
how do you have a girl who would give / do anything for you .
so selfless && loving bt you still dont want her ?
[ && im not saying he dont want me , cus he still does ; we jus arent together ]
bt thats jus how i be feelin sometimes .
bt i guess its normal for things to go bad in relationships .
i guess its jus practice for making the relationship stronger .
sometimes i care . sometimes i dont .
bt i guess thats jus the way it is .
bt all i've noticed is evrybody is m . i . a !
im likee wtf ???
oh well .
so really all i been doin is listenin to music ,
&& looking for apartmentss cus if i dont research where i want us to move to
my mom or her husband gon pick ,
&& fuuuck all tht .
so yeaa .
we supposed to movee next month cus the lease is over && my mom dont wanna pay the rent increase for this piece of shit ass apt we livee in now , which i agree .
i miss our 3 bdroom =/
so anyways ,
i confronted my mom about her husband this mornin when i woke up ,
cus yet again he pissed me off .
so when he left to the storee , i let her have it .
she didnt have anything to say , cus she knew i was right with all the points i made .
only thing she said was , "why didnt you tell him that "
im lookin at her like
you know damn well he cant take this heat he gon get all over dramitic n shit
&& start makin threats that dont nobody wanna hear .
so ima jus keep the peace by tellin you .
so at some point when i do let loose on his ass .
you know why .
i havent really said muchh about my relationship with my bf[ex] .
lol . i know yall like why yuu dont jus say yo ex .
&& its like , cus he still feels like my bf , bt hes not , lol , hes my ex .
bt , annnywaaayss .
i dont even know what to say about us right now .
bt im getting in one of my doubting moods again .
doubting that everything we tell each other is really gonna happen .
i think sometimes i over interpret things when things dont go as they normally do .
&& i start over reacting .
bt , i jus figuree ima fall back for a min .
to see where we stand .
cus lately we still talk everyday like we still together .
bt yesterday was a little odd .
i know him like the back of my hand so i know when hes not his regular self .
&& i could tell yesterday he wasnt in a talkative mood .
&& i didnt know if it was jus me . or he didnt wanna talk to anybody .
i felt a little helpless tho . likee as much as i wanted to talk to him
i knew that forcing the conversation was jus gonna make me mad
cus i know he wasnt gonna talk back like he usually does .
so instead ,
i jus gave him his space .
and left it up to him to talk to me when he wanted .
&& i told him this .
he jus said alright && told me he loved me .
i left it at that .
times passing .
so i jus said , dont go to bed without saying anything .
&& he said something before he went to bed .
so i respected it .
still a little hurt by the fact he really didnt wanna talk tho .
we had our lil chit chats bt nothing like a typical conversation .
--my conclusion .
i have to realize that we arent together .
&& im still expecting for everything to stay the same when its not .
--my solution .
fa-fall baack .
as hard as its gonna be .
ima jus give him his spacee .
to see if he'll miss me like i do him .
cus im pretty suree he will .
im singlee bt i dont even care .
its really whatever .
all i want is my baby back .
i dont hate many people .
bt i can truely say i hate his ass .
i reeeallly from the botttom of my heart do NOT like him .
i swear .
have you ever had someone thats allllllways worried about you or talking about you ?
thats him .
he ALWAYS no matter what .
has something to say about something i am or not doing .
always finds someway to put my name in a conversation .
i swear to you he brings me up or says my name every 30 mins .
its soooooo agitating !
i fuckin hateee negative people && he always gotta be down talking me talkin bout what im not or dont do like he doin sooo much better .
im like bitchh ! get the fck outta here !
i havee no idea what my mom sees in him .
bt thats who she loves && he makes her happy so i deal with him .
no one in my entire lifee has been so concerned about what JELLiE is doing .
its like ,
since everyone know i dont have a phone no more .
i spend the majority of my day on the cpu cus i cant live without aim .
so since i' d rather spend my time on the cpu to myself ,
instead of watching tv and talking to them .
its a problem .
he 's like ohh the cpu is her life , she cant live without the cpu .
blah blah blah .
&& im likee wtf . its not even the cpu . its my source of communication !
thenn whenevr i do somn that makes him mad , for whatever reason .
it becomes , ima take the cpu apart , or ima sell the cpu .
jus because they know its the only thing i actually enjoy .
im likee ....
who gets mad becuss someone spends time to there self ?
i sit on the cpu in my ownnn world .
wit my headphones on .
doin what i do .
bt thats a fucking PROBLEM ?
how the fuck does that bother someone else ??????
im like mann .
i swear he jus ughhh .
if i was a man , id whoop his ass .
always talkin bout ily you know that .
i hate tellin him ilhim back cus i dont .
bt i do it cus then hes gon compplain to my mom && then i gotta deal with her .
its frustrating .
hes not my father . not my step dad . idc if they are married .
all he is to me is the man my mom married .
i dont respect him under any circumstances .
im cordial only cus i have to be .
i dont like engaging in converstaions with him
bt when i ignore him he starts complaining .
hes like the biggest btchh ass man i know .
a bigg ass old ass overgrown kid .
hes always playin around n shit .
it jus drives me crazy !
i be like sit the fck down && stfu already !
he talks shit everyday about me .
&& my mom usually defends me .
bt when she does he gets mad .
&& i stopped sayin shit cus when i say somn it becomes a bigass argument
then he wants to get all dramatic talkin bout hes leavin cus blah blah blah
then after he leaves i gotta hear my mama mouth &&& im likee omfg !
i didnt even start shit !
they mad cus i dont have a job .
bt im fuckin FURIOUS>:O
they act like i really wanna spend 24 hours a day in this fckin household dealin with this shit
if i found a job id work double shifts just to stay out the house .
im literally losing all my patience && composure in here .
im always on edge && readyy to pop off at any moment .
i juss cant staannnnnd , when
ONE person is alwayssss worried about ANOTHER person .
if you worried about YOURSELF the world would be a better place .
i dont have enough time in the world to always be concerned about what the NEXT mtfcka is doin .
pah . miss me with that please .
ill pass .
im gettin in one of my irritatedd moods .
i tend to get this way every now and againn .
not as muchh as i usedd to thoo .
it startss with one thing .
then all these other things start to annoy me cus im already agitated .
then i jus get flat out irritated by EVERYTHING .
ill be calm .
bt jus on egde .
likee mannn FUUUUUUCK !
then ppl always make it worse .
likee whats wrong ? why yuu irritated ?
like jus cus i am !
then they be like bt why ?
like mtfckaa dont worry about why !
jus know that i AM !
&& yuu makin it worse !
i try really hard to stay happy .
bt sometimes it jus dont last .
&& i depend on other people to help me out .
&& then when they dont succeed i jus be annoyed .
i wonder how life would be if everyone got what they wanted . .
likee . ..
do yuu think the world would be a happier place ??
cus i know if i had everything i wanted .
i wouldnt give a shxt about nuthin else .
goin on wit anybody or anything else .
like theree would be no reason for hating .
no reason for stealing .
no reason for killing .
ect . ect .
thats not how the cookie crumbles .
lifes not easy .
you gotta work && suffer for everything .
guess we should jus be satisfied with the fact were breathing .
bt what difference does that make if your place on earth isnt making a difference ?
im jus annoyed with everything && everybody right now .
lifee itself jus pisses me off .
so many questionss i wish i had answers to ,
bt probably wont ever know .
i dont look forward to shit anymore ,
cus everythings jus a fuckin disappointment .
thats all i gotta say to everything .
WHAT THE FCK EVER !
i lovee swearing =]
evenn tho its not very lady likee for some reason the swear words do the best of expressing my emotions .
like MTFCKA !
bt yeaaa . i guess im donee .
ohh && btw , cb && rihanna . mmm yeaa .
no comment .
all i gotta say is aint no btchh worth fckinn up millions .
he shouldaa went about it differently .
bt oh well whats done is donee .
im wrapped up in a blanket bt its not helping .
shit even my face got chill bumps on it .
"it never rains in southern california:" my ass .
it been rainin for likee the lass week .
&& its supposedd to rain on valentiness day .
which im mad about cus im goin to the movies ,
& i hate goin placess when its raining .
i wanna flat iron my hair cus im tired of it bein curly
bt its kinda like whats the point ?
cus its jus gon get fucked up frm the rain .
i cant wait for the spring .
bt anywho .
annoying ass day .
i swear i woke up on the wrong sidee of the bed this mornin
i was readyy to cuss everybody out .
i washed the dishes then took a shower to relieve the tension .
my moms husband been gettin on my nerves since forever
and he asked me today , do i hatee when he bugs me?
&& i said i really do .
he was like really ?
guess i hurt his feelins .
oh well .
i hate when ppl constantly over yo shoulder breathin on yuu askin yuu shit
or tryna joke around .
i have my time when i like to play around bt not every damn day .
that shit erks me .
im so cold my damn fingernails is purple .
im bout to turn the heat on cus yeaaa .
bbl if i got somn to say .
&& it rubss you the wrong way ?
man . that happened to me earlier .
one thing after the other .
i feel like shit .
me && my bf[ex] used to always talk about how much we loved each other .
&& i tonite i told him i'd give my life for him .
[ like beforeee. . ]
&& he didnt even have anything to say .
[which isnt regular .]
i felt so fcknn dumb for telling him that .
even tho ive told him before && he told me before .
his speechlessness wasnt what i expected .
&& he told me it wasnt bad that he was speechless so dont feel dumb .
bt i was hurt .
i swear i wanted to cry .
it hurt my heart .
it was likee he dont lovee me how he used to .
or it made me think twicee about what he used to tell me .
then the conversation was over so i couldnt even lift my spirits with him like i wanted .
now i wish i jus wouldnt have elaborated on how MUCH i lovee hiss ass .
cus i couldve saved myself the doubt && stuff .
jus another fcked up weekend . to add to the list .
hopefully sundays better .
what ever happenedd to t.g.i.f ?
i mean i guesss when your in school or go out all the time you look forward to the weekend .
not i .
i currently havee no lifee so i cant stand the weekend .
all that means to me is that everyone i talk to has something to do .
&& there aint gon be shit on tv .
its 1235am .
im bored af .
every weekend remindss me how much i hate my lifee
&& makess me miss my old lifee .
this isnt forever . so i guess i shouldnt frown .
life is what yuu make it right ?
only if thingss were that simple . . .
how come everything in my life gotta be so damn complex .
why cant it be likeee .
go to skool .
go to work .
chill wit the hubby .
have sex .
&& repeat process ?
i mean at one point im suree it could go tht way .
bt at thee moment .....
what suckss the most is half the time i dont even feel like being bothered
with people .
yet im always bored cus im alone .
how fcknn contradictory is that ?
the only person i ever wanna talk to is him .
pah . BIG surprise right .
everythings always interesting even when its boring .
i anticipate his responses .
i reminsce on things we talk about .
im a mess .
they say ,
yuu aint never felt a love like THIS .
yall prolly havent .
man . i stopped smokinn for the new year bt im sooo tempted to start back .
especially when im tryna sleep !
cus when im high && i close my eyesss . . .
i drift off into that booomb deeeep sleep .
that DO NOT DISTURB sleep lol .
not a care in the world .
hmph . i wish .
well i guess i could stop wishing .
back to reality >>>>
its now 1244am .
listening to coldplay .
missin my bby .
&& i wish i had somee in n out =/
fuckin fridays !!!!
bt i just felt the need to blog .
just to say - im happy :]
i mean i been happy for a min now [on && off ]
bt at this moment like RIGHT now THIS min .
im happy .
my face looks like >>> =]
im suree yall know why .
i ramble onn about my bf [ex] in like every post .
bt hes a huge part of my life .
he makess me soo happy .
&& i havee no idea why .
sometimes i get mad at myself cus i know i shouldnt jus let things fall back to the way they used to be . especially since we arent together right now . bt i enjoy being happy . && he does that for me .
not that other people cant .
dont get me wrong . bt .
its just not the height of happiness he gives me .
i be likee on tht ectasy high happiness =]
thats that good shit .
who throws that away looking for something to replace it ?
when your not guaranteed a better replacement .
im content with how things are .
i have no idea why im soo content .
bt lol .
i still get the attention i need to feel like im still important .
shit , i KNOW im still important .
he may fck another btchh whilee we seperated , bt puhleese believe
shes NOT taking my spot . lmao .
id like to see a btchh try .
itss whatever whatever tho .
im just rambling .
im bout to hit the sack .
im tired .
niteey nitee lovess =]
im donee thinking .
im following . . .
what makes me happy =]
its him .
he knows it .
giving him up for a moment is happier than giving himm upp forever .
so i settled .
im content with it .
even tho i prolly ruinedd something potential .
my heart is him .
&& i decided to leave it that way .
being single isnt so hard when you still feel like your still in a relationship .
**his way of putting it ;
" we married but we broke up but not divorced ."
i laughedd .
free to do whatever the fuck we want .
bt too proud && in lovee to completely let each other go && grow .
selfishhh && stingyy .
the both of us .
i dont feel like im making a mistake .
i might be .
bt i guess ill learn .
til then .
let me lovee && let me smilee .
hahabxtchplz (3:48:25 AM): why yuu say yuu not perfect
"ahmor <3 ." (3:48:51 AM): cus im not
hahabxtchplz (3:49:12 AM): nobdys perfect bby .
"ahmor <3 ." (3:49:26 AM): u r
i think my heart skipped a beat =]
we still not back togethr tho . lol .
this shit still bang . lol .
i remember when the neptunes first started blowin up .
lol . fav britney song ever =]
Britney Spears - Im A Slave 4 U (HQ) - Britney Spears