new day...same me. --just wiser.

i took a break from blogging, people in my life, sociaizing, basically
jst shut myself away from the world..partly by choice and partly bc i
don't have anyone left. this time has been both enlightening and
emotionally frustrating. I've took the time to get to know Myself better
mentally, physically, spiritually, and I've attempted multiple times
emotionally yet i haven't completely conquered it. im close tho! i think
i moreso avoid it at this point. I've confronted the reality of things
so many times and although the pain gets weaker it never goes away...my
heart still makes tht funny feeling between racing and skipping beats
when i think of him, its crazy. exhausting. I've jst convinced myself i
can't do it anymore. i can't allow myself to care, to feel, to love
anymore bc i can't force myself to stop and freely letting myself do it
has the same effects. holding on feels almost as bad as letting go.

for the most part im happy. im not where i wanna be yet but i know im on
my way..they say life is about learning what and what not to do and
that's basically all I've gone over about a bazillion times in my mind.
all the things i did/didn't do. all the things he did/didn't do. all the
things tht could've been/used to be that aren't. the things i want and
the things that are. but you know i can spend minutes,hrs, days, weeks,
and months going over it but i can't go back in time. this is what it is
and something that i can't and never could control, accepting that is my
biggest hurdle. i don't want to feel the pain but i resort back to open
sores bc they never become scars. and i blame no one but myself...my
heart makes things so much more difficult than they need to be. i can
tell myself a millionnnn times let it go. let it go. let it go. move on,
be happy. he's happy, he wants yu to be happy. it jst wasn't meant to
be. ect. ect. ect. BUT my heart jst wont accept it. and I've taken the
time to try to understand why and the only thing i can come up with is
that i can't accept that i genuinely trusted and believed someone (that
never lied to me) and how fast everything that was once truth became
lies when love wasnt in the same place anymore....it feels like it
happened so fast bt it changed over months and i think of how i helped
to sabotage myself bt none of tht even matters. im not mad anymore bt i
know im still hurt bc whenever we talk i end up going back to something
we've already discussed. i don't mean to but emotions are
uncontrollable...i really regret a lot of things over these past few
months. things I've allowed myself to do. to accept. looking back on how
i let insecurities interfere and eat away at something that meant the
world to me. i don't regret our relationship. i just miss what we had.
the chemistry still exists, the situation jst isn't the same. so many
mistakes, pain, resentment and misunderstandings have buried what used
to exist and i feel like all the reasons we fell in love got lost. we
both agreed we wanted to start over jst forget everything and start our
friendship over and it worked for about 3days mutual feelings were
coming back then i let myself ruin that bc it wasn't the right time
...we can't start over and forget everything in the middle of something
that isn't finished. ill never understand how deep my love runs..he
probably wont either. ill never understand why im still in love..why i
can't let go, but I've jst accepted it and now I've settled w. avoiding
it bc idk how else to deal w. it. i jst hope that one day i can look
back on all of this and know it was for the best. maybe things will get
better, maybe they wont. but i wont try to force love to leave where its
been living. if it wont leave on its own then maybe that means its where
its supposed to be...it'll jst stay dormant until someone comes along
and wakes it back up.

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