4.4.14

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lovee jellieee       
 

19.3.11

Way overdue.

Ive been trying to hold it in. Deal with shit on my own without blogging every other day complaining bt it becoming overwhelming. I have so much on my mind i cant clear it so i jst need to vent... so as yall know ive been tlkin to this new guy for abt 3months now and things are good but whn things get weird or distant i start getting cautious and doubtful. I wanna walk away but i have no real reason to, i guess im jst afraid to get hurt. We really like each other but hes a scorpio and ive nvr had relations with one and hes pretty much everything i dnt like but at the same time its new to me so i do like it. Hes nt really expressive but he has his moments and i love whn he does. Hes blunt n honest which kinna offends me sometimes cus i cnt seperate his seriousness frm his sarcasm but it wrks. These last few days have jst been off tho. We were both callin each other bby for awhile but recently he stopped. I noticed bt havent said anything. We've bumped heads a few times but we good but things still jst feel off. And it could jst be me bc yall kno i overanalyze shit and ruin it cus i cnt relax but it jst erks me. I start thinking wht if things go wrong again. I start to feel like im always falling for the wrong type again. Nt to be cliche bt its the truth. Im in a relationship again thts gonna be complicated for many reasons. And evn tho im in no rush to make it official, tht worries me. I feel like i only like ppl that arent wht i really need. But i love his mind . His drive is so focused. We get along great and i love whn we spend time together bt idk. I guess i jst gotta relax n find out....i told james i ddnt want him in my life anymore. I had got into it with his new gf and nt bc of me bt bc of wht she did but she threw something really disrespectful in my face and it made me reanalyze alot of things. He defended me but of course he stayed with her. Its like deja vu except i dnt want him, or in love with him. I still feel fkd up for telling him tht tho cus its nt really the truth. I would love to keep him in my life bt we still bump heads way too much. I dnt see the point in being friends if we always have to fight to keep or defend the friendship...im sad tho honestly. I miss him being there whn i needed someone to tlk to cus i dnt have tht now...but ill live i guess....my fuckn car broke down yesterday nd idk whts wrong with it so if i cnt afford to fix it ima jst get another one if i can smh. I cnt believe it jst went out on me smh. It ruined my entire weekend. I cnt enjoy my check cus now money is going into tht. I spent 20 on gas in it tht i cnt drive, 7 on some shit tht idk if it wrked and 65 on a fkn tow bck to my apts smfh. Waste of my mtfkn money. Hopefully i get some answers today. My life was getting great. Now its going bck down. I need God to pick me bck up .

15.2.11

Pointless.

I need to talk. I jst need to. Idc if yall read this or care. I just need to vent. Ive avoided this for the longest. It doesnt matter tho. Im unhappy right now. Im not always unhappy. Just since yesterday..i have alot on my mind, im stressed. I wanna cry bt I cnt. I dont care bt I do. I wanna give up but I dont . Confused...tht annoys me. Im jst speaking thoughts bc I dont have time for explanations, besides their pointless. I have no answers to any questions. I jst dont know.. I shouldnt regret anything ive done in my life but I would go abt so many things differently if I could. But I cant . Cant change whats already set in stone. Why u focus so much on things beyond my control is beyond me. Theres so many things abt myself tht aggravate me and it upsets me tht I cant change them. I try but it never works. I give up. Welllll no, I dnt wanna give up but im tired of trying. Im tired. I jst wanna be happyy. Happiness is a state of mind, so.my question is why am I preventing myself frm staying happy? Why does everything affect tht? Like I said, no answers to my questions.. Fk it.

14.2.11

2.14.2011

Its funny cus Ive had so much to say but I jst havent said it. Im upset right now. But idk why. Actually I do but idk why I care. Its making me mad tht I cnt brush it off bc mentally I dnt gaf abt it but I jst have tht "feeling". Yall kno the one where u tell urself u nt mad but u are cus u feel it lol. Smh. I hope today gets better. I dont have a valentine again. I could careless , theres always nxt year. I jst wanna be happy, have a good day. Smile! Im mad im fkn bloggin abt this bullshit lol . But annnnywaysssssss, I have a new boo :) ill have to fill yall in later cus I have wrk in the mornin nd my ass needsss to go to bed. All ima say is I like him...alot. Hes a challenge tho! But I might need that :) gn lovess and HAPPY VALENTINES DAY!

23.1.11

When I think of you I feel blank
No longer love stuffed with emotion
my heart was open,
You slammed it shut with lies and no focus....
on me that is, left me damaged, so broken.
I recovered but we cant recover us, our friendship suffered..
Shoulda just let it go but we both held on hoping it would flow
...bt its not. I love you so,
I truly do. always so afraid tht id lose you, so I made sure I could use you bc you were alwys there for me bt too much that I abused you..and what we had,
so bad we cant get it back and I want it so bad
but I guess tht time has passed now its the past gotta keep lookin to the future and hope for the best, we unwrapped the present  bt still searching for whats next
Im happy you found you, glad you found her. Cant grasp what was learned but as I stand where I am
I know what we really were..a moment in time we occured, love found, love lost, Love deferred.

12.12.10

Ill never...

Have answers. Never understand. Never comprehend. Never want. Never need. Never love...like that again.

Its been months, weeks, days...and when i think about him, See him loving someonee else...tears still fall, i still feel pain. I cnt understnd how i gave away so much of myself that its taking me this long to gt me all back. Why do i still care? Why does love still swim in my soul? Ive let it go but then i have these moments whn i know i havent. I know theres no future. No hope. I stopped trying months.ago...but i still carry it with me. We dnt even tlk everyday anymore..eventually we prlly wont be in each others lives but i still live with the pain from a broken heart....and the worst part is i dnt even hate him. I have the tendancy to always blame things on myself..Nd idk why..he hates when i do it..i look at it like maybe if i had done this diff or did tht better...when the reality of it is i did nothing wrong, i gave my all... we jst werent meant to be together. It shouldnt be this hard to come to terms with that. But it is. How i let myself be so naiive to believe everything would really last forever. Forever is not realistic but i expected so much more frm our relationship thn i got. Idk why i feel like every girl he loves after me, he loves more than he did me. I gave too much of myself. I get a piece back everyday bt i wish it didnt take so long... i just want that feeling of love back...tht happiness. Tht feeling of someone complimenting my soul. I lost everything with my heart nd after this pain, i hope with time i get everything back.

9.12.10

Goodbye and Hello.

Sooo, its getting close to the end of 2010 and gotdamn if this wasnt the longest most dramatic year of my life! So much happened..so many things changed..so many ppl i lost. On the bright side im proud to say ive grown...i broke myself down to nothing and pulled myself bck together. Im not complete tho lol, im still a wreck. I still relapse, im still unsure of wht i want but i know what i dont. I dont know what i need but i know what i deserve and thts nuthing LESS than what makes me happy. If its not keeping me happy or at least content im nt dealing with it. For what? Its a waste of time and that i have no more to waste...im on a mission to find greatness..i just havent figured out how. Im unsatisfied with my job so im looking for a new one...all i want is to go bck to school and finish so i can start a career nd be settled with life. Fuck love...i figure that comes later, if at all. Yea, someones gonna love me cus im easy to love..but am i gonna love thm bck is the question. Its a million niggas in the world yet its like findin a needle in a haystack findin someone i actually like, thats actually worth my time. I found a potential husband...bt there was two prbs: one-he lives in the bay. And two-i sexed him bc i didnt kno when i was gonna find another person i liked enough to sex cus we all kno celibacy is not an issue over here lol. I ruined that so oh well bt it was hope tht their are potential men out there... the present guy im tlkn to is abt to be let go bc he doesnt hld my attn, hes boring, and he doesnt tlk enough lol. Sorrrry bt i can tlk, i like to tlk i need to be able to converse abt stupid sht nd intellectual sht alike. If u cnt hld my attn, yu cnt hold my interest. Once my interest is gone, so are yu cus i dnt want you lol. Simple as that. I dont care at this point, come january ill be single for a year. I could gaf about being a gf, im nt investing my time, effort, mind, body, love, ect into anything less than wht i want and deserve. In the meantime ill be finding and satisfying myself, growing one day at a time.

23.11.10

One friend

Youre everything you said you weren't and everything I thought you'd never be,
We used to be You used to be.
Somewhere we got lost. I don't know u anymore. I remember him I remember her, I only remember who we were. Now I know you so well that nothings new. Yu kno me so well tht your just through.
Nothing left to learn, not amused
No laughs no connection
I keep going over this relationship
A Thorough inspection
Everything good must end so maybe this is it? I'm part of a past collection, would u miss it?
Friends. jst lovers. friends&lovers. jst friends.
I lost where we started so I can't see where we would end. Maybe we were over before we began? I learned to love you then yu taught me to kill feelins. True story: Love kills when you let it.
Our friendship committed suicide after your love died, bittersweet homicide.. Or maybe I killed yu accidently when I tried to end me but yu jst lied to me? Ill never know.
Lost a homie lover and bestfriend all in One year, I wouldve never guessed itd only be One person and One day you'd grow distant nd basically disappear.
Sent on the Sprint® Now Network from my BlackBerry®

22.11.10

Cold.

Painful like hearing 'I love you' when you say it to her.
Her, only She is no longer Me, and Me and You are no longer We.
We died. I cried. You lied.
So many emotions I went numb
No feeling. Blank thoughts. Mute words. Deaf ears. Paralyzed .
I found tranquility in thoughts of Past laughs, past promises, past pasts.
Futures that never were, never would be. Presents that can't be opened
Your presence is unfocused.
Then I refocused, your unclear.
My mistake you were never really here
You talk so well I believed we were really meant to be
You deceived, silly me.
I gave you everything I had
You wanted more
No, you wanted less, less love
Less work, less real
Let's fake, and pretend We never existed.
Pretend the way you are with Her; Be happy, find love and then leave it
Dear Broken heart keeper,
I need It.
Sent on the Sprint® Now Network from my BlackBerry®

This is For Me.

As each day passes, some things make more sense...others more confusing. The more I let go the more I question why I should hold on. I'm one step closer to where I wanna be...leaving that shattered naiive little girl behind. I look in the mirror and see pain...I see all the hurt I been through then I see my reflection smile back and I know life goes on. I've been wording it wrong all along...its not that I can't find me, I know who I am..who I'm supposed to be.... What I've really been searching for is my Worth. Where I lost it? Childhood..and its taken me so long to find it. Looking back on my past relationships...the verbal abuse I put up with...the self worth I lacked allowing me to put up with so much shit I shouldve never allowed bc I was afraid to lose something I didn't really need in the first place. Letting 'love' be the veil over my eyes covering all the things I shouldve seen bt only paid attention to what I wanted to. How did I let myself be so weak? How did I let the idea of love break me? I experienced love, but not the way I know its supposed to be, not the way I want it to be. Too many people fall in love with the 'idea of love' more than actually falling in love. I know I fell in Love...and I think the people I was in love with were only in love with the idea of loving me. I can't fathom love being so easy to fall out of and into with everyone I like. Its special, almost sacred. Ill tread very lightly with who fall in love with and choose to let it be known. You might nt choose who u fall in love with but lust helps you decide who u WANT to be in love with and never again will I allow myself to be walked over by a man bc I'm afraid to lose him. A man will never be afraid to lose you. There's a million of "you". Your loss is another womans gain. I shouldve seen it that way years ago. I hate to feel so picky at this point but I'm not settling again, ever. I settle too often nd it leaves me unsatisfied when things don't work because it was never really worth it. I have no happy endings. Just to be continued's. I hope that all my love doesn't always turn to hate or disinterest, Its upsetting. Nonetheless I've gained a better understanding to my insecurity and lack of self worth. I know where I stand and what I deserve. I will not lessen these for love. The only thing I hope is that when the few men I gave my heart to look back on how they treated me they can also remember how I gave them honest, straight from the heart Love. No pretending no for shows, no bullshit. I gave love the only way I knew how --the way I wanted to be loved back, and if they couldn't fathom that, that's their loss bc a lot of people can't and/or will never be able to give love the way that I gave it.....PURE.
Sent on the Sprint® Now Network from my BlackBerry®