relationships .

so I've been trying to put the understanding of relationships into
perspective . i mean we all have them . most of us want them , most of
us don't . and there's all different kinds . but i can't understand why
it makes such a big difference to be IN a relationship rather than "just
friends" when there's mutual emotions or love . i mean ultimately , a
relationship as in "gf/bf" aint shit but a label . i mean yeaa , it has
certain rules that's supposed to come with tha label like fidelity and
loyalty and trust and understanding . but really what's the difference?
most people just want that feeling of belonging . like when someone asks
"do you have a girl?" they claim you . and it gives you this special
feeling . but when your just friends , tha emotions are still there ,
there jst isn't any obligations . your friends so theirs supposed to be
a certain amount of space and understanding . a non committed commitment
. and although me and him started as friends , when we grew together and
formed an actual commitment i lost all things i knew about "our"
friendship . he's my bestfriend bc i tell him everything and he tells me
everything and im jst me around him and he's the only person that
understands me and genuinely cares abt my well being YET , when it comes
to emotions . . .were still attached like were together . were only
friends right now . but when we talk , it always ends with baby's and i
love yous and deep convos bt i figure that's bc its what were used to .
and i start to wonder if the fact that were not together "in a
relationship" even matter? it didn't change much of anything , with an
exception for "heartbreak" and "hurt" and everything else that's
supposed to come with breaking up . funny thing is , it only hurts when
i think about it . when were together , i don't hurt bc i forget . and
when i do remember we talk about it and he still takes it away .
sometimes i feel like "just friends" is hard on me bc i wanna go back to
being "together" but in reality , we are still together just without the
label . I've been working on subtracting all my emotions frm our
friendship but its hard . he even admitted its hard for him . im just
trying to find that common ground where i don't care that were not in a
relationship bc our relationship exists within our friendship . im not
sure if all the shit i would normally get pissed about in a relationship
should even be worth getting worked up over in a friendship but that's
the emotions makin shit complicated . to be honest i wish i had the
ability to turn off my emotions like a switch bc im overly emotional .
buuuuut i can't so whatever . i figure we need to stop getting so worked
up over labels bc you could be committed in a friendship or cheat in a
relationship . its up to the people . labels just tend to make
unnecessary complications , emotions included . i figured at least when
your in love with your bestfriend , nothing should ever fall apart . but
it does, its human nature . we just have a friendship that has the
ability to live , learn and continue to grow . when most relationships
don't .


love is a 4 letter lie .

its funny how when you think your in love . nothing else matters . it
blinds all the shit u don't wanna see . makes yu forgive all the things
yu shouldn't . makes you wanna keep what's no good for you . they say
too much of anything is never good . and i always thought you could
never love too much . never be loved too much . and throughout my last
two relationships where i thought i was in love especially my last one .
when it comes down to the end i don't even know what was real and what
was fake . they say actions speak louder then words . i know this but
instead of knowing i chose to make up excuses for why shit didn't make
sense . i gave him time after time . forgiveness after forgiveness . so
many times to explain his reasons and his actions bc i felt like that's
what you do when your in love . now that i sit here , i feel so fkn
stupid . im mad at myself more then i am at him for letting myself keep
hurting myself . im so mad that i still love him after everything he's
done to me . i fkn hate him . how do u love and hate someone at the same
time ? i hate that i don't feel like i know him anymore . i hate that
all he does is apologize for hurting me and still does it . im mad that
I've been so weak that i couldn't walk away when i know i needed to . im
mad that he made so many promises he didn't keep . i mad that i believed
that love was so strong that it would prevail thru everything . and im
mad that i was wrong . im mad that i still cry about this shit . im mad
that my ♥ still gets crushed over this shit . im mad !!! why am i so
fkn in love with someone that i let myself get broken down so far ? i
know im nt the strongest person behind my skin but damn how did i let
him break me so bad . i shouldn't take it out on love bc of the shit
other people did while they said they loved me . but love don't love
nobody . i don't believe in love anymore at this moment because it
deceived me . he deceived me . idk if it was intentional or not but
does it really matter ? idk why im still fighting for something that
doesn't fight for me . idk why i still want something that doesn't want
me . like how dumb am i . im so smart that im stupid . i dnt let any
nigga i meet play me but when it came to love i crumbled down to nothing
. i blew it when i gave my ♥ away , knowing it might not be returned
the same way . i shoulda took it back when he gave it back the first
time . i passed up so many signs . so many times to turn and walk away
and i DIDN'T ! bc i believed in love . his love . my love . love itself
, and it played me . who do you trust when the person you trusted the
most can't even be trusted ? im done playing tho . there aren't anymore
levels to be defeated . the game is over . . .play a new one .


why are yu so free spirt'd anqelicaa?

lol , cus i simply dgaf my love . bt , you already know this dont you . lol .

Ask me anything



Ask me anything http://formspring.me/jellieeebeaan

your hair is really pretty. how do you get it so long? or is it extensions?

thank you ! its real lol . its hereditary . my mom and grandma both had long hair , so does my older sis . i know its cliche but the native american in my blood is pretty prominent (i.e my high cheekbones , long hair and reddish brown skin ). i dont really do much to make it grow , i dnt like wearing my hair natural cus its too much maintainance washing it everyday so its usually flatironed . but i guess i just try to keep it clean and my scalp conditioned, try not to damage it too much and keep my ends trimmed :)

Ask me anything


where have yhu been!!?? i love your blog.

aw thanks ! weeell , idk between school and neglecting my blog on behalf of my emotions ive kinna been nowhere lol . sorry ! i promise ima try to blog more like i used to . i feel special lol .

Ask me anything


Ask me anything http://formspring.me/jellieeebeaan


cammmmmmm ! lol .

Ask me anything


dammit man .

im back here again . reminscing about what's been past and dreamin of
what never will be . smh @ myself . shame .
me & james agreed to be friends like we used to be . and its not hard ,
i mean i can't force the way i feel to go away bt i figure i can try . i
settled , broken heart and all that shit . im not all distraught tho ,
I've been tryna move forward . I've been chillin w. this boy lately . he
makes me laugh , i like his personality , bt i can't really see us
together . he's looking for a relationship and im not . we haven't done
anything together , not even a kiss so its easy for me . i know he
really likes me but I've been in denial abt likin him . i know i dnt
like him as much as he likes me . i think im just enjoying the flirting
and the attention . *shrugs .* so sue me shit . i actually been meetin a
lot of dudes lately just nobody special . shit , after tlkin to other
dudes it just makes me miss james to be honest lol . today I've just be
layin around listenin to music and having side convos , and in the
meantime reminscing on our relationship . pictures , conversations ,
shit like that . its prolly better to let it go but i don't want to . im
okay with it bc i know there a slim to none chance we ever get back
together . so its whatever . shit im considering going to the college of
southern nevada next fall so i can major in what i want . gotta move on
w. life . im jst nt sure cus even tho i have aloot of fam in vegas and
there's lots of shit to possibly get into . i don't even like vegas !
lol . idk even know what type of niggas vegas has . i hope they have my
type :) lol . prolly very few . whatever , ill find :)

in other newss , i haven't had sex in a little over a month andddd im
fenna go crazy . I've had plenty of bouts of celibacy so its usually
easy but dammit man , my body is like "touch me , touch me !" smh . i
don't really wanna have sex with anyone , i really only wanna have sex
with oneperson bt i doubt very highly that's gonna happen , anytime soon
anyways . so I've been weighing other options . and i still haven't
decided .im not even sure if i wanna try to have sex yet . i might wanna
wait , but at the same time i really wanna be touched . lol . (don't
judge me ) whatever . if it happens then it will . im gladd my period
started on friday lol cus all my lil boos been hittin me up and i dnt
wanna have no mishaps lol . god does tht everytime , like clockwork .
keeps me focused . so yeaa that's pretty much all i have to complain
about thanks . bye .


untitled .

im just in one of those late night blogging moods . i thought everything
would change when i got my 2nd check for spring semester . i was gonna
buy me a new laptop , connect myself back to the world , live a little
easier . but since my check was a lot less than the last one (about
half) i don't get to indulge in some of the pleasures i wanted to .
i feel disconnected from the world . from life . im like a robot , i
wake up 5 days a week , go to skool , do skool shit , come home do more
skool shit , shower and repeat process . i have no life . i have no
friends . i have no boyfriend . im miserable but i have no choice bt to
continue living . smh . i haven't been able to bring myself to blog for
weeks now , i couldn't express myself . I ! ME ! ANGELICA couldn't
express herself ! how odd is that . that's all im good for is typing my
life away on my blog like a personal diary . i feel absent . ghostly . i
wannna believe im okay , but i know im not . i say i dnt care that i
don't have friends but its lonely now with no bf . i miss having friends
and im unsatisfied with what i do have . it saddens me that when i go
down my phonebook and buddylist i don't really wanna talk to anyone . i
wish friends were easy to come by and make like they were in elementary
, jr high , even high school . where do you find new friends at 21 ? i
don't even see anyone at my school i could see myself being good friends
with much less hanging out with . everyone already has their friends , i
have myself . i want new friends and idk how to find the friends i want
. real friends don't exist anymore . shit , real people don't . . .im
struggling with this broken relationship . you know its funny bc on
formspring the only question that i was asked was why do i obsess over
my bf . and i really felt offended . i got defensive . i don't think i
obsess but i guess i could see how you guys would think that . i haven't
had many relationships , if any at all . and the only thing I've ever
wanted since i was little was a real relationship , a real bf , a happy
relationship . and i guess when i got all that that's all i could focus
on . my relationship was and still is impt to me for reasons i don't
have to explain to anyone . we been through everything and i still love
him , but i guess its that time to let it go , if it comes back then
yaddi yaddi yadda . im embarrassed that i put so much of myself on blast
and to now be so broken like this . my blog was supposed to be my place
to express myself w. no judgement . no one to make me feel guilty or bad
, just understanding . and somehow with all the people that i know that
reads it i don't feel as comfortable as i used to , i feel like im being
judged now . i feel like people are shaking their heads at me . and i
could care less bc its my life and i dnt regret anything but im not
walking tall like i want to . shit to be honest i don't even feel like
anyone reads my posts anymore . i used to be happy when i got 6 and 7
comments now i don't get any . i feel pitied . im waiting . waiting for
my life to change , waiting for me to be able to say im happy . waiting
. . .so far im still the sad depressed girl I've been my whole life and
now im even more broken than i was before . i have my days when i know
its the way it has to be and im ok with it . then there's nights like
these when i miss everything about having a relationship . i miss him .
i miss the peace he gives me . i miss the comfort he brings me when he
says im gonna be alright . he told me im gonna be alright . i just wish
i could be alright , bc im not . and the funny thing is i told him he
was gonna be alright and i know he isn't either . im 21 and im lost .
idk where my career is going bc idk how to organize my schooling . i
have no job , no income . nobody . i feel like im too old for this . i
should be graduating college and starting a life . i regret taking so
long to go to skool . i regret changing my career i wanna do so
manytimes . i don't wanna be 30 when i finally startmy career . i don't
wanna be 30 when i finally settle down and start a family . 30 isn't old
but im 21 and i feel old , i can only imagine what 30 will be like . im
hoping that i can get myself together and finish school and everything
else will follow . i feel like i need help . i need help . ugh . i need
therapy .


neglect .

damn i been neglecting my blog :(
i miss you guys. i miss having a life lol , or lack there of .
as much drama as i used to be in i cant say that i dont miss it cus now
all my life consists of is school and lonliness .
as if i wasnt lonely to begin with . . .
i dont even have anything to say .
i guess ill blog when something does hit me .
&dont stop following bc i WILL be back >:o :)



why do u obess over your boyfriend?

i dont consider it obsession . my emotions play off that way but i do have the ability to stand back when i need to. obsession to me would be more like not being able to leave him alone if he asked me to lol and he doesnt . so my question to you is why do you care?

Ask me anything

confusion .