im happy & im thaankful :)

first & foremost ,
happyy thanksgiving everybodyyyy !!!
i hope yall fenna pig out like i am lol
i been helpin ma mama cook since yesterdaay
& im readyy !
i digress ,
guess who's back togetherrrrrr ???

* ding * ding * ding *

yeep ! me & my fianceee :]
lol , we're official .
im soooooooooo happy .
it feels soo good lol .
im thankful , my prayers were answered
& god gave me my love back .
we been havin the best in depth conversations .
im just happy .
he said he's happy .
so im satisfied lol .
he asked me if i blogged lately & i hadn't got to it
so im takin advantage of this free time to update yall .
its like we fell in love with each other all over again :)
i feel like i did 6 months ago lol happy & in love .
its like im finally breathing again
he's back to the man i love so much .
the boyfriend technecally lol
he's not reallyy different when were not together but you
always know in tha back of your mind yall NOT together
but knowing tht you are and you love that person and he loves you is
amazing :)

as far as my previous post , i know yall wonderin what happened lol ,
but i ended up telling him .
i was worriedd to death cus i didn't know how he was
gonna take me invading his privacy
cus that's not something i do .
but everything happens once .
the things i came upon weren't to great anyhow ,
he was mad , but he listened to me
he forgave me and then apologized for lying to me
and what i saw tht hurt me .
and i forgave him cus he didn't have to do tht at all .
he's a stand up guy :) as kam would call him lol
i can forgive him for every wrong he's ever did to me just bcus he's
always man enough to realize his mistake and do the right thing .
he doesn't ever try to sugar coat it , or pretend it didn't happen , or
sweet talk me into a lie .
he'll tell me , we'll talk , and we go from there .
he thinks he's just average , and maybe in someways he is
but he's the most amazing man on this earth to me , he's loved me to no
end , he's hurt me , he makes me happy , he's made me sad , he brings me
up but he never keeps me down .
some of yall may read this and be like shess stupid , but idnt really
give a shit about yall opinion .
bc no man is perfect . love is never perfect .
for him to never fuck up would mean either somethings wrong or he's not
growing lol .
and i love watching my man grow .
he stimulatates me mentally and I've never had tht by any other dude i
been with .
his mental is on a whole nother level than niggas his age and even older
and i adore him .
if he could forgive my wrong doings , i can forgive his
cus thru everything we been through at the end of the day
we back together , we're in love , and we still want to try .
when he asked me to marry him i didn't know how to take it
i was ecstatic but i didn't know how to idk act about it lol
but he makes me feel like his wife everyday . he wants me and in his
words " couldn't see hisself building a life a with someone else" :)
that's my baby , my everything . and i love him past forever.

in other news , lol
i got my financial aid check
& im mad cus i read tha dispersement wrong .
thinkin im fenna get money for both semesters but yu get one each
semester :(
so i only got enough to buy my car and i got my new phone . and I've
shopped a tinnyy bit lol . but im going car shopping friday or saturday
so we'll see what happens :)

anyhow , happy thanksgiving yall , im thankful for my readers ! cus who
else would i express myself to and whine to lol and actually have people
tht want to listen ,
you guys are amazing and im flattered :) enjoy your holiday !

love always , angelicaa


good things dont last forever .

ever .

i can never seem to enjoy a good moment of happiness for a long time for some reason they seem to some way get interrupted .
i guess this time its my fault .
im stuck in between . . .
btween what i couldnt tell you yet .
they say if yu start looking for something ,
then your bound to find it .
but sometimes its better if it wasnt found .
people call me nosey .
well actually my boyf's , present and previous .
but i dont really think its me being nosey , i just have an obsession with truth .
i have to knowww everything . i never wanna feel as though im not informed .
so i guess if that makes me nosey , then i am .
but you know its not like my "noseyness" is bc im expecting to find anything .
im actually hoping not to . but for some reason i always seem to find something .
then i get mad or hurt ,
and then i regret ever looking .
idk if niggas hidin shit is like regular ? but i fucking haate it .
maybe bc i dont hide anything , idk
but i cant take it back , i cnt take my curiosity .
like they say curiosity killed tha cat .
never a good thing . . . .
either way , i feel regret on both ends .
i wish i never did it . i wish i never seen it .
i feel wrong for looking . bt i did .
what i found makes me not feel so bad .
im speaking about the situation indirectly bc
i dnt even like blasting out my actual business anymore .
i dont want negative advice cus it irritates me .
i justtttt .
im frustrated .
i dont know how to feel about this situation .
its gonna be ugly , and we've been doing so well .
i hate to feel like ima ruin it , but now im disturbed by what ive found and i have to address it .
cus its gonna start to eat away at me .
and its not like it ruined our relationship , [i dont think ]
i still love him the same , still wanna be with him
but im wondering exactly what he has to say and how hes gonna feel about me invading his space .
and i dont even know why i did .
just being curious .
and i fucked myself over twice .
i swear i wanna fall off the earth .
i just want for everything to come together and work !
thats fucking all !
i dont need anything but love and support .
all of it .
im tired man .
im scared its nt gonna work but im determined .
bc we CAN .
its a matter of us both wanting the same thing .
and sometimes i feel like thts miscommunicated .
i wanna take evrything to heart and believe it ,
then i find shit like what i did . . .
and i dont know what to think .
guess i gotta wait and find out .
be back later .


november 16th , 2OO9 .

well over the weekend i guess my immune system
kicked some virus ass ! lmao .
between taking cold&flu meds and downing
cup after cup of water and orangejuice im good now .
soo , todays the end of my 1st day of this week .
i had a good day , mondays & wednesdays are my
um chill skool days bc both my classes are easy & i get outta skool at
145 versus 33O .
i talked to james for about 2 hours :)
i love him lol .
i love that we don't have all the stress and disarray
we had last month , its so much easier .
less stressful and easier to be content .
its easier to love him the way i want to and
that's always a plus .
i can tell he aappreciates it and im glad he does bc
i appreciate him too .
he inspires me to be a higher me and with all that
makes me the happiest person on earth !
it gets no better than that lol .
besides that ,
this week is the week i get my financial aid >:)
i been waitin on this day since the 1st day a skool >:o !
lmao took for fckn eveeeer !
its the start i need to pull the things i need together .
a car = mobility i need to see my baby & work .
laptop= freedom to take online classes and nt spend my whole week at
skool .
those are my 2 most impt things , besides shopping of course >:)
but on another countdown note ,
i have 5 weeks left until winter intersession
which is 31 days frm today :)
meaning : time with my babe && no skool til february .
hellll to tha fuckinn yeaaa mann !
lmao .
i keep saying these next two months will be life changing .
and if god blesses me , they will be .
im hopeful , thankful and anxious .
i hope everything goes accordingly .
i keep my fingers crossed :)
bt im about to take my shower & relax .
gotta get ready for skool tmmw .
i love you guys , be back sooner than later :)


welcome to wintertime .

ugh .
im siiiiiiick !
literally .
runny , stuffy nose
watery eyes , burning sinuses
sneezy , coughing
horse throat !
allllllla thaat smh ..
im miserable lol .
and on top of all this sicknesss i miss my mtfckn baby !
we talked this morning about an hour ,
our talking still isn't back to normal . . .yet .
im being patient tho . . .
things a come back together .
and im fuckn mad cus he called me to tell me i love you and was supposed
to call back but idk if he did or nt sincee my fckn mom didn't answer
tha other line when she was tlkin to ma sister .!
ugh , i hate when ppl do that .
fucked off my whole mood .
i cnt enjoy a decent conversation with him for shit !
damn .
then ma mama husband wanted to act like a lil 3 yr old btch again cus i
made me n my mom sandwhiches n i didn't make him one .
like EVERYBDY & THEY MAMA know if u want me to cook or make u anything !
yu better ask ! cus i aint voluntarily makin yuu shit !
call me selfish if ya want to , but i aint nobdys maid .
if im cookin dinner that's totally diff ,
but i hate when he wanna sit n be hungry til
i get up n make ME somethin to eat then want me to make him somethin .
nigga i am NOT your wife .
aint no obligated food .
then gon complain to ma mama when she said shell make him one like
"nah its coo , i can take care a myself"
like bitch , i knw u didn't expect me to do it .
cus im nt supposed to take care a yo eating .
yu a grown ass man & you aint mines !
he cracks me up inside lol .
aint no reason for a person to act like tht .
a closed mouth don't get fed & he didn't fix his to ask
soooo , ohhhh welll .
& yes i am a snobby asshole ,
ask me i gaf .
cus i don't .
smh .

soooo , in other newsss
im 7 days awaay frm my financial aid :D
whoo , first things first .
new laptop & helloo online shopping :)
im so tired of usin my phone as a cpu stand in smh .
i get to be a loyal blogger again !
real posts & pics & all tht .
i can actually redesign my page :)
whoooo hooooo ! lmao
im dumb lol .
but yeaa that's all . ill go over tha things i purchase as time goes .
im tired & sick .
ill bb sooner thaan later loves .


today .

im happy :)

i love him , forever .


thaankfuul . . .

.. .for my life as it is .
i sat and read tha bible for like 2 hours last nite , until i fell asleep .
i feel guilty alot of the time bc my mom always tells me to pray to god every night before i go to bed and thank him for his blessings and to pray for what i need his help with .
and i do pray most of the time , especially if im having a bad day or night .
but sometimes i admit i do forget .
last night i just idk felt like maybe reading the bible might help settle myself a little bit and amazingly enough i read enough to make me think about something i battle with almost daily .
and that would be doubt and faith .
to doubt would mean im indecisive and im very indecisive , depending on what it is .
i usually just say it dont matter or whatever so i never have to choose but thats wrong .
i fuck up bc i have faith in something then i start to doubt ,
for example me and james as our relationship stands .
but its not that i dont trust him to not have faith in him .
but im scared to have so much faith that something might happen and ssnatch it away.
its happened before & im scared to see it happen again .
he knows this and he asked me to have faith in him .
to believe in him and what hes trying to do .
and i do , but after so much time passes i get insecure like idk
and i shouldnt but i do . so then doubt staarts settling smh .
i just need to spend time with him to feel that lovee and support i need right now .
im supposed to spend my winterbreak wiith him if everything goes right but that isnt until the semesters over and thats not til december 17 . blaaah . lol
i just wanna hold him and kiss him .
i wanna feel his touch . that would make me happy.
and i really think it would solve alot of our stresses we have .
but times not moving fast enough for me and time be fuckin shit up .
time can either pull us apart or make our hearts grow fond enough to miss each other .
i hope he misses me the way i miss hiim . . .
sometimes i dnt mind that were having this big non communication gap bc i feel like this is his time to get on top of what he needs to do and i respect that .
i feel like he gets to see how life is different without me .
not by much , but enough to notice .
bc everytime i think about him i get sad bc im reminded how muchh i miss his ass lol .
my intuition is giving me one of those feelings something isnt right but idk if im right or wrong .
i kinda have to stand neutral bc i dont wanna stress , but i dont wanna overreact .
i dont wanna think everythings all good and its not and i dnt wanna think everythings all bad and it isnt .
lol , i guess i just think too much .
all i can do is pray at this point that god at leeeast lets me make it to december to fix our relationship the way it needs to be fixed .
to see whether this will really be long term or somethings gonna happen .
i know im all in . ill ride & die for this relationship . . .
i just wanna know he feels tha same way .


clutter .

i have so much on my mind right now , i can't sleep .
i have to wake up in 5 hours and time is ticking away .
i haven't tlkd to him for 2 days , and that's my fault for ending our
last convo cus i forgot my mom had free nights and weekends and for some
reason it slipped my mind it was fucking s a t u r d a y !!
smh , i cursed myself tha rest of tha night for tht mistake.
i miss him .
he promised to call bck after 9 like i asked and didn't .
that only makes me wonder . . .
he doesn't break promises .
but idk .
he's not putting minutes on tha phone nt bc he cant but bc he's enjoying
tha anonymity , his freedom .
its stressful and irritating to me but hey
who am i to keep tabs on my ex bf / future husband ?
i hate when i get into these states bc insecurities creep back in .
im scared to get too comfortable with believing im his only girl , (
even tho i know he tlks to other females just nt serious ) bc that's how
u get your pride shut down when yu find out your not .
but at tha same time i feel like im wrong for doubting him esp after
he's asked me to marry him .
i know he was serious but im scared to put both hands on it and run with
it .
whenever i want something really bad , it always fails .
so i dnt wanna attach to this too much and ruin it .
last month was the worst month of my life .
so much pain and heartbreak .
i guess that was a love tester ?
see how strong our relationship is .
I've never known him to be a liar and that's good .
but im finding it harder for myself to be a believer of things im told
i hate to doubt something that could mean something to me .
and especially to doubt anything coming from someone i love and respect
as much as i do james .
but i feel like im still battling this demon of heartbreak .
its not tht i can't move on frm tha past but that im nt completely
healed and probably wont be til i get to lay in his arms and just talk
about it .
i can still feel how i felt all those days my heart cracked a little
more and more while we were having this love triangle thing .
how could i love him so much and him say he did then lose tht love while
he fell in love with someone else?
if i say he loved her now he denies it and says he was in lust of her .
which is believable bc she was really pretty .
how could u mistake lust for love .
why say you love someone if yu don't mean it .
i can't define the defintion for love for anybody , the only definition
i have is my own .
how i feel while im in love is how i assume people feel when they say it
or i see it or hear about it .
i can only assume he loves me the way i love him .
and its funny cus we argue over who loves who the most and its cute cus
how many people do u know tht does tht? most a the time it'll be like "i
love you more" and the other person a be like "ok " lol .
he tries to convince me he loves me more but i can't picture it .
and im not saying he doesn't .
bc i know he really loves my ass . but i just know my love is forreal .
i KNOW i would never give up on our love .
i KNOW i wanna have a family and marry him .
i KNOW I've never loved someone this much in my life
- nope ,, not even zahkeem .
i KNOW i could die for him and die peacefully with tht decision .
i don't wanna sound infatuated . but im in this love shit head deep .
i dnt know how to pull out and its making this dangerous .
and not for us , but for me .
im putting my heart on the line again .
even after its been hurt . and i know i shoulve taken it back but i want
him to keep it . i want him to prove me wrong .
because i don't care if a thousand girls stood up to me and said they
loved him more than i do .
because i would laugh in their face . i swear on my life, nooobody loves
him more than me except maybe his mom or sister or a family member to
tht extent .
its been a year and exactly 2 months today that he's been a part of my
life .
i don't plan on taking him out of it or letting him go .
unless that's what he wanted .
im still growing . im still healing .
but i praaaay to god everynight things will get better for everybody .
bc i know he's what i need to live a happier life .
he's the man i love and i can't change that .
i don't regret it and i don't wish it was anybody else .
god brought him into my life for a reason but idk if this is a reason or
a lesson .
but I've come to realize maybe he's both .
bc when i was in pain , he was a lesson in love .
but when im happy , he's my reason for living .
im nervous that all this space apart could be ruining us .
but idk .
maybe its what we need .
the thing i hate most about this love / life thing is everything is
unpredictable .
im scared to be happy cus im scared to be hurt .
but i get hurt regardless , so i stay sad so it doesn't hurt so bad .the
truth really hurts . that's a fact .
&& ignorance is indeed bliss .
but id rather have the truth than lies bc we can't progress in falseness
all i wanna do is grow with him and love him unconditionally .
& you can't take that away from me .


for looking purposes lol .

just one of those days .

i am soooo fucking mad . . .

at this girl in this trey songz video ! lmaoooo .
yall know i neeeeever post videos anymore but got damn !
im hating wit a capital H ,
maaaaaannnnn this is tha bombest video i ever seen .
&& its all bc my bbyddy trey songz is a fuckin wheww ,
im lost for words .
i can watch this video over & over & over lol
i wanna give a muthafckin HI- FIVE to mama in tha video cus
boy oh boy , you dont know how many of us wish we were you lol .

&ps , if i was in tht video it wouldve been a porn cus uh , we woulda been fckn in tha video - no lie . lmaoo

pss , now i really miss my baby , im fenna cry :'( baby we fenna make a part 2 :D

i miss my fucking baby man !

i talked to him last night . he called me , but i didn't tlk to him
today :( and he has court >:o !!!! im fenna be so stressed until i hear
frm him .i prayy everything goes good . i love you baby , & i miss you
sooooooooooooooooo much .



maaaaaaaaan .

im fighting back tears .
they keep falling anyways . . .
smh @ my anxiety .
i hate thinking the worst of things bt when u know the
reality of certain situations you tend to think worst case scenario .
i haven't tlked to him in 4 days .
no by choice bt bc we both didn't have mins .
i got mines and now he doesn't .
its different when we nt tlkin and i still see him abt or can txt or
call him to make sure he's ok .
but when u have no contacts . . .
its like wtf .
all im doing is worrying .
im concerned abt his safety .
im concerned abt his courtdate on tha 5th .
im concerned abt him , period .
i miss him .
and its making me cry .
i just wanna know he's okay .
i wanna hear him tell me i love you .
i wanna hear him tell me i love you back .
i js , wanna know everythings ok .
what if something happened ?
idk what's gonna happen at court .
im just maaaaan . stresssed .
breannna`s like stooop stressing , everythings gonna
be okaaay . but i have tht issue .
worst case scenarios .
always thinkin tha worst .
smh .
but that's how i keep myself frm hurting when things go bad . bc i
already prepared myself .
i don't want nuthin to be wrong tho :(
i just wanna tlk to my bby and know everythings okay .
so ima keep him in my prayers and hopefully ill tlk to him soon .

i love you daddy , & im missin yu like crazy :( . . .i hope your okay .
ttys .

just thinking .

damn october was an eventful month .
i was just looking , i posted 44 times , i didnt realize everyting that happened just in tht month alone .
good and bad . happy and sad .
memories now .
todays a new day and were 3 days into a new month .
im content with life except i miss my bby , havent spoken to him since halloween morning . i hope hes okay , im worried .
and he has court on thursday . . .sighh .
fuck man , im stressed .
i love him so much.
if something happens to him smh man .
but im praying so im gonna think positive happy thoughts. . .
this is gonna be a good month for me .

&&. . .

.....i miss himmm :(