Ive been trying to hold it in. Deal with shit on my own without blogging every other day complaining bt it becoming overwhelming. I have so much on my mind i cant clear it so i jst need to vent... so as yall know ive been tlkin to this new guy for abt 3months now and things are good but whn things get weird or distant i start getting cautious and doubtful. I wanna walk away but i have no real reason to, i guess im jst afraid to get hurt. We really like each other but hes a scorpio and ive nvr had relations with one and hes pretty much everything i dnt like but at the same time its new to me so i do like it. Hes nt really expressive but he has his moments and i love whn he does. Hes blunt n honest which kinna offends me sometimes cus i cnt seperate his seriousness frm his sarcasm but it wrks. These last few days have jst been off tho. We were both callin each other bby for awhile but recently he stopped. I noticed bt havent said anything. We've bumped heads a few times but we good but things still jst feel off. And it could jst be me bc yall kno i overanalyze shit and ruin it cus i cnt relax but it jst erks me. I start thinking wht if things go wrong again. I start to feel like im always falling for the wrong type again. Nt to be cliche bt its the truth. Im in a relationship again thts gonna be complicated for many reasons. And evn tho im in no rush to make it official, tht worries me. I feel like i only like ppl that arent wht i really need. But i love his mind . His drive is so focused. We get along great and i love whn we spend time together bt idk. I guess i jst gotta relax n find out....i told james i ddnt want him in my life anymore. I had got into it with his new gf and nt bc of me bt bc of wht she did but she threw something really disrespectful in my face and it made me reanalyze alot of things. He defended me but of course he stayed with her. Its like deja vu except i dnt want him, or in love with him. I still feel fkd up for telling him tht tho cus its nt really the truth. I would love to keep him in my life bt we still bump heads way too much. I dnt see the point in being friends if we always have to fight to keep or defend the friendship...im sad tho honestly. I miss him being there whn i needed someone to tlk to cus i dnt have tht now...but ill live i guess....my fuckn car broke down yesterday nd idk whts wrong with it so if i cnt afford to fix it ima jst get another one if i can smh. I cnt believe it jst went out on me smh. It ruined my entire weekend. I cnt enjoy my check cus now money is going into tht. I spent 20 on gas in it tht i cnt drive, 7 on some shit tht idk if it wrked and 65 on a fkn tow bck to my apts smfh. Waste of my mtfkn money. Hopefully i get some answers today. My life was getting great. Now its going bck down. I need God to pick me bck up .
I need to talk. I jst need to. Idc if yall read this or care. I just need to vent. Ive avoided this for the longest. It doesnt matter tho. Im unhappy right now. Im not always unhappy. Just since yesterday..i have alot on my mind, im stressed. I wanna cry bt I cnt. I dont care bt I do. I wanna give up but I dont . Confused...tht annoys me. Im jst speaking thoughts bc I dont have time for explanations, besides their pointless. I have no answers to any questions. I jst dont know.. I shouldnt regret anything ive done in my life but I would go abt so many things differently if I could. But I cant . Cant change whats already set in stone. Why u focus so much on things beyond my control is beyond me. Theres so many things abt myself tht aggravate me and it upsets me tht I cant change them. I try but it never works. I give up. Welllll no, I dnt wanna give up but im tired of trying. Im tired. I jst wanna be happyy. Happiness is a state of mind, so.my question is why am I preventing myself frm staying happy? Why does everything affect tht? Like I said, no answers to my questions.. Fk it.
Its funny cus Ive had so much to say but I jst havent said it. Im upset right now. But idk why. Actually I do but idk why I care. Its making me mad tht I cnt brush it off bc mentally I dnt gaf abt it but I jst have tht "feeling". Yall kno the one where u tell urself u nt mad but u are cus u feel it lol. Smh. I hope today gets better. I dont have a valentine again. I could careless , theres always nxt year. I jst wanna be happy, have a good day. Smile! Im mad im fkn bloggin abt this bullshit lol . But annnnywaysssssss, I have a new boo :) ill have to fill yall in later cus I have wrk in the mornin nd my ass needsss to go to bed. All ima say is I like him...alot. Hes a challenge tho! But I might need that :) gn lovess and HAPPY VALENTINES DAY!
When I think of you I feel blank
No longer love stuffed with emotion
my heart was open,
You slammed it shut with lies and no focus....
on me that is, left me damaged, so broken.
I recovered but we cant recover us, our friendship suffered..
Shoulda just let it go but we both held on hoping it would flow
...bt its not. I love you so,
I truly do. always so afraid tht id lose you, so I made sure I could use you bc you were alwys there for me bt too much that I abused you..and what we had,
so bad we cant get it back and I want it so bad
but I guess tht time has passed now its the past gotta keep lookin to the future and hope for the best, we unwrapped the present bt still searching for whats next
Im happy you found you, glad you found her. Cant grasp what was learned but as I stand where I am
I know what we really were..a moment in time we occured, love found, love lost, Love deferred.