may 16th , 2O1O .

i was jst reading a cmmt frm my love queen kam, and i appreciate how you
guys give me advice and its always something i remember and put into
consideration, bt the one thing I've realized frm blogging real life is
that i can't keep my posts up with my emotions or how constant things
evolve or change on a daily basis. first let me start off by saying i
realize absolutely EVERYTHING you guys have mentioned and that I've
complained about . i knew about tht girl when she first came into the
picture . jst like she knew about me . i knew when they got together ,
she knew when he got back with me . she knows im nt going anywhere jst
like i know she's not until he chooses to bc he hasn't let her go before
. and to be honest its not about fighting over his heart. i know the way
we feel about each other and that wont ever change . i told james if
that's what he wants then have that. the fact they're relationship
didn't work is on them . we've talked about our relationship. we've
talked about their relationship , we talk about anything i wanna talk
about , james has never been the type of person to try to hide shit frm
me bc i find shit out or put it together before he ever has the chance
to . and i agree with what kam said about there being no grey areas
inbetween being in a relationship and going back to being friends.
because i know in my heart whether we settle to be friends or not were
always gonna feel a certain way about each other. I've always told him i
can't jst be friends and to be honest the way me and him are right now
at this moment , were not friends, were more than that . and even though
we say were "friends" we both know it wont last tht way . honestly, i
put up with the shit i do because i choose to which is why i don't
really complain as much as i used to. when i vent im jst writing out
thoughts . i know that no matter how much shit we go thru or people try
to tell me abt our relationship it wont push me to stop caring or loving
him and i dnt feel bad or stupid about it . i can't be mad at other
peoples opinions bc yall only know what I've told you and youve put
together your own views and opinions abt what i go through and put
myself through .so ill accept what you guys think of me , i can't help
the fact i love who i love . and i can tell yall i love him . and i can
tell yu he loves me regardless of all the shit we've put each other
through . but im not blind . i see and deal with everything I've ever
wrote about on here. if i have a problem , i talk about it with him . he
reads my blogs , he knows how i feel . its not a secret diary where im
crying inside about love and loss . its a place where i vent out
thoughts and emotions . but don't ever hold me hostage to the shit i say
because one post is how i feel right then and there at that moment . its
never permanent . if youve ever been in love you know its constantly
evolving . i can hate him one day and love him the next . and in the
time btween my last post and this one here our relationship has grown
even more bc of the things I've brought up and we've talked about . i
can't ever deny the fact he makes me happy or deny the fact i make him
happy . we do that for each other and until its time for god to take
that away and let me see something else that's what ill keep because im
happy with him in my life at the end of the day . i have days when i
feel like ill be better without him , but im not . and what keeps me
down is my emotions . once i can put my emotions into perspective and
accept everything for what it is , im content . don't look down on me
because of that . im learning , and in the meantime im loving .


may 12th, 2O1O .

im falling ever so quickly back into that place i said i wasn't going
back to.
trying to fight love is a battle ones always gonna lose , smh .
im slipping back into that black hole called foolishness , i have to
stop myself cus i keep catching myself acting as if were in an actual
relationship .
i don't mean to do it bt it just happens naturally . i get mad at myself
cus ill send a txt tht says something w. a kissy face & after i send it
im looking likee , why did i jst send a kiss tht wasn't even necessary
smh .
& i mean , he sends them back . i get all my love in return but at the
same time i need to back off again & give him space . i don't wanna
crowd him . i think him and his gf broke up today , ok well i don't
think, i know they did. but there's no reason for me to jump for any sort
of joy bc for 1 . they might get back together , they could
relapse . & 2 . it wasn't bc or for me so its not to my benefit . if
their relationship is on rocks then that's their relationship . i don't
know much about it . but as far as ours goes , its been really good
lately and id like to keep it that way . even though were nt together
jst the thought of being with him makes me smile . but i cnt get wrapped
up in that fantasy bc i know that even if there was a chance we ever got
back together that wouldnt happen until i knew he was 3000% sure he was
over her . im not going back & forth with this again like a fool . smh .
like we've been through sooo much shit . and we've grown as individuals
as well as with each other and to be honest if there's one person im
most confortable with being myself and could see myself dealing w. for
the rest of my life , it would be him . but i can't get to wrapped up in
thinking about this kinna shit , hoping . i have to deal one day at a
time bc hoping for things sets expectations that aren't guaranteed to be
met . and i don't want anymore unnecessary disappointments . as of right
now im content . im happy . but i need to pull back again bc i need to
keep that space of missing each other . i don't wanna fall back into
that everyday, every hr txt, call , or aim situation where were tlking
all day long . which isn't really possible anymore anyways with his
schedule but nonetheless , the point is i dnt wanna go back to being
expected . and in order to do that i have to stop letting my heart get
ahead of my mind and stop wanting to love so hard when i need to be
protecting what's been hurt so many times .


may 9th , 2O1O .

i decided to stay .
i jst have to keep tht wall up & not attach .
having the best day yesterday was like , why did we stop talking?
everytime we talk its nothing but laughs and connection . we just
connect on so many levels .
i decided i wanna keep that , bc the only thing preventing us from
having our friendship is my emotions .
i know he wont stop loving me and viceversa so its no point in trying to
cut him out of my life knowing we're gonna relapse at some point .
knowing that both of us are unhappy without one another .
before we started back talking , i had tlked to his cousin and when i
said i needed someone to tlk to he said "talk to james , he really
misses you man" .
and its funny cus when me and james talk i can hear in his voice how
happy he is . it makes me smile , & for whatever reason still have some
ounce of hope . to be honest i still have hope in us but i know nows
not the time . my biggest problem with him having a new gf and serious
relationship is a fear of me becoming obsolete , but he wont let that
happen . i still give him something she can't , and that's being his
bestfriend . the person he tlks to and tells everything . i love our
conversations , he's my favorite person to talk to bc we can tlk about
anything and everything . everyone can't give you that you know? i know
this relationship especially from yall readin it's perspective is just a
rollercoaster ride of love and complaints and emotions and bullshit lol
, bt i wouldnt change anything bc its a learning experience for me and
when i hit rock bottom something always brings me back up . i know
there's something so legit about our relationship , when people break up
, the relationship dissolves bc either you let it go , he lets it go ,
or yall both let it go . if both of you are still holding on to each
other then that's self explanatory , yall don't wanna let go . which
means the love btween yall isn't going anywhere . keep it . if you need
someone as much as they need you then don't try throwing something away
that's meant to stay . me & my love may not be meant to be together in a
relationship , but were meant to be together in the relationship we
have in our friendship . its irreplaceable & unfortunately , so is he .


was the happiest day I've had in a long time . i let him back in .
(don't judge me) , bt for the most part . everytime we let go and come
back together , i have a clearer understanding for why we're probably
not supposed to let go . its more or less a learning process . im
looking at things from a different perspective . its nt about what
happened, its about why it happened and why things are the way the are
now . the past is the past for a reason & if your content with how
things are now bc of that . . .enjoy it while it lasts .


well ,

we talked . don't ask . he understands why i can't talk to him now and
as much as that should've made things easier , it didn't . i felt at
peace when we said goodnight bt how i feel never seems to subside smh .
i want a peaceful nights rest bt i know he'll be invading my dreams
again , and again ill wake up upset bc i have to go back to this
nightmare reality . life is fkd up for no reason except for it being my
life . i don't understand what i did so wrong in life to not deserve
happiness . something always has to fall apart . ever since the end of
our relationship nothings went right , and now that im at the point to
stop and let go , my heart is making it be the hardest thing I've ever
had to do in my life . i can tell how much he doesn't wanna let me go
bt shit , i can't be happy while he's happy with someone else . it just
weighs too heavy on my heart . i love him too much to try to share the
love . fuck that shit . i love him and to me , he's mines . i had his
heart first . i loved him the best first . and can't nobdy change my
mind abt that & bc of that i wont accept someone else loving him . i
wont accept him loving her . i wont accept him loving her more then me .
i wont . love & him got me fucked up lol . ill be bitter or stupid or
w.e else u wanna call it . I've given up on trying to make myself stop
feeling the way i do bc it doesn't work . if and when its time for me to
stop loving him then i will . i let him go for the most part and that's
the first step . maybe one day we can be friends again bt i can't take
it right now . i can't hear the words "me and my girl" without gettin
pissed off . i mean to be honest , i shouldn't get so bent over a title
bc i know the love between us still exists very strongly . buuuut im too
emotional to be that strong "idgaf abt that nigga" type a ex gf right
now bc to say idgaf abt him would be a lie lol . ill always give some
kinna fk about him . he's my first REAL love, the first man to ever
really love me . he changed my life in ways i can't even put in words .
and the way i tlk abt him on here makes it sound like "bitch if yu dnt
let tht nigga go when he's already moved on !" which btw don't get it
fkd up cus i realize everything going on , im never delirious abt the
obvious . . .i just know that how i feel is real . and that's some shit
i cnt lie about . i have to be real with myself and therefore im real
with whoevers readin this shit bc im nt gonna lie n say im over him when
i think about him every hour of everyday . i still hurt . i still cry .
i still dnt understand why. i still care . i still love him . and to be
honest . . . . naaaah im nt gonna be tht honest lol . bt that's my
soulmate regardless . I'll beat a bitchh ass over him , take a bullet ,
give a kidney all that . its crazy . ill admit tht . ill be dumb . ill
be all tha shit yu wanna think i am . bt all tht means to me is that
youve never been in love like this before . im not happy about the
situation , bt me by myself im happy . im dealing . what doesn't kill me
makes me stronger . so unfortunately , the next nigga gets NO mercy . i
doubt ill ever let myself fall this far in any relationship again bc i
can't control how much i love . its a blessing and a curse all in one .
some people would kill for this kinna love , and some just don't know
how to appreciate it . i wonder if ill ever find someone tht loves me
the way i love him . . .


recollection .

okay . i stopped .
i deleted every contact he has to me and i have to him (minus my number cus i cant delete it out his phone lol) .
im refraining myself from speaking to him .
im pushing myself in the other direction . its a downward spiral and im going in circles with no results . i wish i woulda let go months ago and saved myself some dignity . smh . i feel beyond stupid . love doesnt make me feel anybetter bc now everytime i see the word love i get mad . it lost its meaning to me and i probably wont get it back til i get it the way it needs to be given .
its been a year and 8 months in 3 days . and our one year anniversary is on the 21st . i wont induldge in that . he might remember . prolly wont care . im not the jealous type but sitting here actually looking at things . when i get mad about things , its anger but moreso jealousy . jealousy because he now shares something we had with someone else . jealousy because he loves her now the way he used to love me . blahhhh . fuck that shit . lol . i dont like being jealous that shit is lame . im too good for that , and i dont deserve what i put myself through . i wish i could just , forget everything . . .but i cant . ill let go eventually . shit i got over zahkeem , and i dont even miss him . i keep looking for niggaas to fill that void . to keep me occupied so my feelings a move along ,, but its failing horribly . my sister told me its not time to , she told me to just do me . but shit doing me is kinna boring without the opposite sex lol . like wth . its not like i can shop or anything . i need some new books or somethin . i cant wait til this summer . i hope my mom follows through with moving ... im really feeling the idea of a new place (until its no luck with niggas there either lmao ). but whatever . i wish i was bi sometimes cus its always a bi female standin around in the cuts lol but i just cant get into girl on girl . if thats what your into , go you ! but i just cant , smh . ive been thinking about changing my preferences just to try something new buuuut when i got that , it was rather boring . i dont want boring , i want excitement . fun . laughter . good times . lots of smiles . im taking a break from that falling in love shit , niggas lie . smh , thats about to be my new tag line lol . but honestly the one thing thats common in all the relationships where a niggas ever claimed he loved me so much is that he can tell me everything under the sun , but he can never follow through showing it to the extent that they claim. they might show it , and theyll do shit that makes me believe it but at some point it fails . and i tend to look the other way trying to convince myself that theyre telling the truth . so dumb of me . whatever , lifes a lesson , im living . im taking everything stuffing it inside a fuckin box and pushing it to the back of my brain . my heart has a lock on that bitch and i lost the key . im not going through this again . im not . i refuse . if james is the last person i ever love then whaaatever , ill just have to look back n be mad cus im not doing it again . i love entirely way too hard to submit myself to that . people cant love me back the way that i love . their incapable i guess . i dont see whats so hard , but maybe one day i will . . .or maybe not .


love is blind && i can see bt i close my eyes . . .

its been weeks since I've cried .
&&when im all alone with nothing bt time to think i find myself breaking
I've been okay .
well at least that's what I've been trying to condition myself to
believe . ill be okay . ill be okay .
bt i can't be if this shit still makes me cry .
everyday i learn something new about love & try to use it to apply to
what happened && be content .
but none of that mends a broken heart . all the knowledge in the world
doesn't numb this pain .
how did i do this to myself? why? my whole life I've wanted nothing more
than to be in love w. someone who loved me back .
and when i finally got it , i lost it . && nobody told me that
heartbreak is this rough . i don't wanna be so weak . i wanna act like
none of this affects me . i wanna act like i don't care bt i still do .
i wanna act like nothing matters anymore , bt it does .i wanna forget
everything he meant to me but i can't . i wanna erase all the memories
bt they don't . i wanna start over bt im dreaming . why would i even
wish to have another chance after all of this? why do i love this man so
fkn much . it makes me so mad . i wanna stop loving him bc our love
isn't the way it used to be and i can't . the hardest thing to accept is
knowing the person you love , loves you bt doesn't want you anymore .
and I've been trying to accept it , respect it for weeks now , bt i
still can't accept it . i wish i knew what i did sooo wrong . i made
mistakes . he made mistakes . i guess two wrongs dnt make a right . i
would give anything to have his love back the way he used to give it .
before he gave it to anyone else . that's me dreaming again . holding on
to something i need to let go of . i have to let go everyday . over and
over and over . he's in my thoughts . in my dreams . i can't fkn escape
what I've been involved with for over a year .everyday . e v e r y d a y
. i miss those days tremendously and all i can do is think of what used
to be . my heart is too stubborn to let that go . it pisses me off that
when we go for days without talking and he calls i still get the biggest
grin on my face and the nerve to get butterflies . it pisses me off that
i know i can't talk to him the way i want without being too submissive .
i have to give myself limits to keep myself from falling back in . smh .
I've beenn living life , trying to proceed , meet new guys , do things ,
stay occupied . but i still find myself missing him at some point in my
day . thinking about him . this shit sounds like fkn infatuation . bt
its not . i give him his space . i let him go . i only talk to him when
he hits me up , bc i know that's when he misses me . i can respect
letting him life his life and be with who he wants . im just having a
hard time getting over the pain to let go the way i want . . .only some
parts don't wanna let go . bt the other parts knoooow i need too . when
i asked why he wont let me go , he said "i can't because i love you" &&
as sweet as that sounds , its selfish . no matter how many times we
agree to stop talking . we can't . we might let days pass , bt he'll
call eventually . and i can't say that as much as im okay when we don't
talk that i don't hope for his call just to hear his voice . smh . love
is all too complex , i just wanna get to that point where i don't want
it anymore , and a lot of times im walking that line , bt i never fall
off , i step back into what i know which is loving him bc i know its
what im good at . bc i know that months & maybe years from now when
everything changes , ill still be loving him the same from afar . real
love never dies , it always comes back . &&while im hoping our love
stands the test of time , i hope that his love comes back to the way it
used to be . . .still dreaming smfh .


i used to be that girl .

the nice girl . the naïve girl . the girl that took everything you said
to heart. the girl that wanted to believe every word you said . the girl
that wasn't afraid to laugh . the girl that wasn't afraid to open up and
fall in love . the girl that never wanted to be mean to you or piss you
off . the girl that would make up to you bc she made you mad . the girl
that wanted to be your everything . the girl that believed in love , a
hopeless romantic . . .now im just hopeless . im no longer nice . i no
longer believe anything that comes out your mouth . im always on the
defense . im always protecting my heart & feelings . im insecure . i no
longer care abt making you mad . i no longer care abt yelling at you . i
no longer wanna apologize . i don't believe in being your everything ,
being someones everything seems to be nonexistant . i no longer look at
love the same . I've been scorned . its not loves fault but all the
highs love brought no longer seems worth all the pain that comes after .
i never saw love coming when it did and now i feel like it'll never come
back . and when it does i'll probably be so resentful that ill prolly
miss it when its there. i miss being the girl i USED to be . . .now im
just the product of a sweet girl turned sour .

story of the week #1 . - sex & police .

so , i was bored tonite all the way up until this boy i used to tlk to
hmu , at the point of boredom i was experiencing i was just excited to
get out the house . so , i hop in the shower , get dressed and im off .
last time we chilled , nobdy was home and we didn't mess around bc he
had a gf so i didn't wanna take it there . so he's single now , womp .
and i get there and we can't go in the house cus his parents are there
-_- . womp . so he's like lets go to the park . im like the park !? its
11 at night wth . so anyways . we go to the park & chilll in my car we
just tlkin n such . we end up kissin . now one thing leads to another .
im sexually frustrated and we been chillin for about 6 months so im like
fk it . so we start havin sex . its whatever bt im tryna get into it ,
next thing i know i see a bright ass light and im like i know that what
i think it is ..so he looks up and he's like fuck! its the cops . and im
like o.O aw shit we fenna get a ticket . i don't neeeeed no more tickets
! lmao . so we puttin our clothes back on and this nigga stilll shinin
his light in the window lmao . im like damn nigga yu tryna watch me get
dressed? lol fkn pervy cop . so i open tha door and im like hi . and the
cop's like "you know the parks closed" . and im thinking "yea i know , i
told this dumbass nigga they come by the park at night smh" bt i was
like yeaa . so the cops like are both of you 18 ? and im like yes we are
, im 21 do yu need my id? and he's like yes maam . so i get my purse and
show him my drivers license . then he asks for my friends bt he's like i
left it at home blah blah so he asks his name and bday and the cop
looked like he thought about runnin his name lol bt didn't feel like it
so he was just like well umm , yea just get out of here have a nice
night . in my head im like "helllss fkn yeaaaa !" bt i said thanks sir
goodnight . put my shoes on and get ready to drive off lol . like
mannnnn , i just knewww it was fenna be like a scene offa cops lmao . we
was in a rich white neighborhood and everything. the park didn't have
noooo lights . i bet they thought we was doin drugs lol . bt npe too
young adults fkn in tha car . i was embarrassed lowkey bt the shit was
funny actually . like he was prolly satisfied he got a lil peep show lol
. prolly was bout to go swoop by his house n get some puss . im glad he
let us slide . its better criminals to go harrass on a friday night . bt
the sex seemed as though it was headed down a wack road , so im kinna
glad we were interrupted lol . "what would jesus do ?" that . lmao so i
guess thts the laaast time i try to do anything in MY car . cus
everytime I've tried to mess around in my car the shit goes all bad . my
cars a fkn cock blockin ass bitch lmao . its coo tho , i've decided im
going on another bout of celibacy . niggas these days jst aint strokin
like they used to smfh , id be better off masturbating , wompp!

sex , expectations , & disappointment .

so , you know how when you have expectations set in your mind & the
reality of the situation doesn't meet them then your left dissappointed
or pissed off ? well that's what happens to me eeeeveeeerytimeee it
comes to sex lol . likee im a very sensual , sexual person . not the
promiscuous type . not the i gotta fk once a week type lol (even though
if im in a relationship sex everyday sounds nice) i just enjoy the good
parts of sexuality . i digress , when i get in the zone and my bodies
tellin my brain "do it , do it" ill be in the zone alllll the way til
the nigga fk's off an expectation . lol . if i expect u to know how to
kiss . yu better know how . i don't do wet , nasty , slobbery kisses .
even though i ammmm a lazy kisser after awhile and stop kissin back lol
. if yu can't suck on my neck with the right pressure , okay , i might
let yu slide . if yu can't lick/suck my nipples wit the right pace &
pressure , ughh ill be annoyed bt ill let it pass . but anything beyond
that ? if yu throw of my mind frame and make me start talkin shit ! the
whooooole experience is fkd off ! your not meeting any of my
expectations and fkn wit yu is now a disappointment lol.

honestly , sex isn't even gratifying to me anymore =/ its like my
hormones a be raging all the way up to the point of penetration . after
penetration imm thinking "THIS is what i wanted?" like ill try to stop
tlkn shit it my head and just focus on the enjoyment bt ill be too into
thinkin about how fuckn wack the sex is .and once i start thinkin about
other sht ! smfh . my whole mood is out the window . and once its out
the window . the session is over cus ima make yu stop . yeaaa , i know i
know . how selfish of me ! wahh wahh , suck it . idgaf . if im nt into
it im nt fenna lay there and be fondled n molested if i dnt wanna be
anymore lol . fuck yo nut ! :D im sucha btch lmao . oh well . bt anywho
, the whole point of this is to say , stop making expectations . its
cool to have standards bt expectations leave you completely disappointed
when your hoping , or expecting something to be wonderful and its pretty
average . save yourself the disappointment lol .

i miss you .

sooo , i guess im back to my good ol blogging days , lol .
i really miss actually blogging bt half the time i just don't know what
to say , i mean you can only repeat yourself so long about the same shit
. . .bt im back on my nt having anybody to talk to tip soooooooo ,
nothing like talking away to the only people that still listen lol . so
anyhoww ,

its friday night and i resent not having enough friends or even niggas i
tlk to for that matter bc nightmare on elm st came out today and i been
wantin to see tht shit since like fkn december >:o , and dnt nobdy wanna
go w. me or take me (like on a date) so im stuck in tha damn house BORED
. wideeee awake cus i took a 3 hr nap when i got home smh . its just ugh
. lol . if i wouldnt feel so odd going by myself i would lol . but i
really dnt feel like seeing all the bomb niggas coupled up nor do i feel
like gettin hollered at by a bunch a lame ass people . all my good
friends live abt 45 mins to an hr away frm me and i dnt have tha gas to
just drive there n back for a movie lol . i wanna go on a date but
niggas is jst lame n cheap these days . this nigga i been ignoring for
abt 2 weeks now txted me this morning tlkin abt lets go eat at red
lobster . likeeeeee , negro PLEASE . your not gonna bribe me to fk wit
yu jst by mentioning red fkn lobster bc 1st of all that doesn't impress
me bc i used to fkn work there. 2nd of all, yu don't have a car sooo ,
are yu providing gas money to drive all the way to pick yu up then to
red lobster and to drop u bck off? and 3rd , nigga i been ignoring your
calls for 2 weeks , wtf makes yu think i wanna go on a date NOW ? yu
shoulda proposed tht shit the first time we kicked it , smfh . niggas do
shit ass backwards . I've spent so much time in relationships that's its
nice to be single and actually be able to see things for what their
really worth but it also tends to make me seem more choosy , bc i know
exactly what i want and what i don't . and what ima deal with and what
im not , and bc of that i tend to stop liking dudes i meet way faster
then i normally would . if you can make me smile , great ! that's a plus
. if you come off like your trying too hard to impress me . . . womp .
points deducted . if your conversational skills aren't up to par , womp
. points deducted . if you all up on me TOO tough , womp . 3RD STRIKE !
you failed . i don't have the patience for building relationships
anymore . im straight to the point no time for games n bullsht , if i
smell it im nt fkn wit it . im no longer attracted and im cuttin yo ass
off . if yu keep hintin yu want me to come over n kick it , i know all
yu wanna do it try to get yo hands on me and fk , not about to happen .
your cut . these niggas don't even offer a mtfkn date no more . yu gotta
fkn ASK ! why in the fk should i have to ASK ! im 21 nigga ! im not 16
this aint no mtfckn stay at home n be chaperoned . grown people do grown
people shit ! im not impressed by sittin n smokin blunts or drinkin . im
nt impressed by tlkin n listenin to music . im nt impressed by your
couch , your bed , your cable or your fkn movie collection . lol like
wtf . what in your right mind makes yu think your sooo damn cute i wanna
fuck yu the first time we kick it? what makes yu think your that good?
do i look simple to you nigga? come harder than that. your in a fierce
competition . . .prepare to beat your opponents .