As each day passes, some things make more sense...others more confusing. The more I let go the more I question why I should hold on. I'm one step closer to where I wanna be...leaving that shattered naiive little girl behind. I look in the mirror and see pain...I see all the hurt I been through then I see my reflection smile back and I know life goes on. I've been wording it wrong all along...its not that I can't find me, I know who I am..who I'm supposed to be.... What I've really been searching for is my Worth. Where I lost it? Childhood..and its taken me so long to find it. Looking back on my past relationships...the verbal abuse I put up with...the self worth I lacked allowing me to put up with so much shit I shouldve never allowed bc I was afraid to lose something I didn't really need in the first place. Letting 'love' be the veil over my eyes covering all the things I shouldve seen bt only paid attention to what I wanted to. How did I let myself be so weak? How did I let the idea of love break me? I experienced love, but not the way I know its supposed to be, not the way I want it to be. Too many people fall in love with the 'idea of love' more than actually falling in love. I know I fell in Love...and I think the people I was in love with were only in love with the idea of loving me. I can't fathom love being so easy to fall out of and into with everyone I like. Its special, almost sacred. Ill tread very lightly with who fall in love with and choose to let it be known. You might nt choose who u fall in love with but lust helps you decide who u WANT to be in love with and never again will I allow myself to be walked over by a man bc I'm afraid to lose him. A man will never be afraid to lose you. There's a million of "you". Your loss is another womans gain. I shouldve seen it that way years ago. I hate to feel so picky at this point but I'm not settling again, ever. I settle too often nd it leaves me unsatisfied when things don't work because it was never really worth it. I have no happy endings. Just to be continued's. I hope that all my love doesn't always turn to hate or disinterest, Its upsetting. Nonetheless I've gained a better understanding to my insecurity and lack of self worth. I know where I stand and what I deserve. I will not lessen these for love. The only thing I hope is that when the few men I gave my heart to look back on how they treated me they can also remember how I gave them honest, straight from the heart Love. No pretending no for shows, no bullshit. I gave love the only way I knew how --the way I wanted to be loved back, and if they couldn't fathom that, that's their loss bc a lot of people can't and/or will never be able to give love the way that I gave it.....PURE.
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1 year ago