love is pain...

you never really understand the true meaning of tht until you experience
a brutal heartbreak. extended regret and tears...i let love ruin
everything. i believed in love. i gave my all to love..i jst wanted love
to love me back. and for awhile love was beautiful. it was
indescribible...it was the best thing that ever happened to me. i met a
boy tht played w. my heart. a habitual liar. a joke. i was ruined from
that day forward and never knew it. then i met Him. he made me laugh, he
had feelings, he was 'real'. he wanted me. he fell in love w. me....i
did what i had to do to love him back. bc he was Real love. not jst a
bunch of bullshit lies...i gave everything. a year passed...things
weren't the same bt i held on to love bc it was "real"...it meant the
world to me..i jst dragged myself thru hell the 2nd year..all i wanted
was our love back....it never came. i let love destroy me. i let love
break me down. i let love fk my head up. i regret holding on, i
should've let go. i regret loving him, i shouldve stopped...bt he "loved
me". i couldnt lose tht. how could i be so stupid. i put myself through
heartache after heartache watching his love for me fade and him give it
to someone else.. now i watch his love for them fade and along w. it
went love in general. now i watch his interest for me fade bc i remind
him of love and he doesn't wanna be bothered w. it...i hate everything.
i hate that life is so fuckd up. i hate that feelings change and others
stay the same. i hate tht i still love him even tho i hate him. i hate
remembering all the things we tlkd abt that never came true. i hate
remembering smiles and laughs tht don't exist the same anymore. i hate
that i stayed bc i never wanted him to feel abandoned...and he left me.
i hate that i put up w. this bc of love. i hate that im affected by
everything tht hurts my feelings. i hate being alive. i hate
remembering. i hate all the promises tht were broken. i hate that i know
nobody will ever love him like i do and he doesn't care or want to keep
that love. i hate remembering when our ily's meant something. i hate
that its almost a year later and im crying and nobdy knows or cares. i
hate watching him like new girls bc it jst reminds me of all the times
he told me he'd come back to me ....and never did. his feelings changed
and mine stayed the same. such a trgedy..i guess that's life when u
gamble w. love...his love that died for someone else , also died for me.
and with that im dying bc i let myself love w. everything i had and now
i cnt get it all back....i let love ruin me. i stayed loyal...i regret
that. i regret loving so hard. i regret not listening. i regret
believing. i regret myself and i resent him.

i wish i could jst have my friend back...its impossible. i watch our
friendship drift farther everyday. i knew it before i tried ...you cnt
be friends w. someone your in love with...i jst wish he never meant the
wrld to me...

im ashamed..

to even express how i feel at this point. im 22 and letting the most
idiotic things upset me. im like a walking talking ball of frustration.
im unhappy, unsatisfied, and nothing ever goes right. SURPRISE! welcome
to life !! what a crock of bullshit. im so fed up w. everything and
everyone..im jst tired. I've said tht a million times before bt i can
feel my feelings changing. im tired of holding on to whts gone. loving
wht doesn't love back. trying to get what i cnt. niggas are dumb...i
don't understand. they don't appreciate pretty anymore. i need to be
ugly bc thts wht they like . i don't need to be a sweetheart cus thts
too easy..i need to be a flat out bitch bc its challenging smfh. i can't
change who i am or how i love bt i feel like i need to bc i can't seem
to keep anyone happy this way bc im still always doing something "wrong"
and the trifilin ugly bitches get all the shine :) that's tight. i hate
. i dislike using tht word bt i do! i jst...hate! i hate everythinng
right now. i tried to jst be happy w. myself and w. life bt im fkn
lonely. im fkn unhappy. i have NO ONE. maybe i don't need them, bt who
doesn't enjoy some kind of companionship? i dnt have not one. im
aggravated. all the dudes out here are fkn ugly and or ratchet. i wanna
jump out a fkn window. everythings different.... i dnt tlk to the same
ppl..me and james..were close to nothing...which is upsetting bt w.e. i
guess we've had our journey..its almost over. i feel like i need to drop
off all this baggage before i meet someone i really like nd ruin another
relationship...i jst feel so damaged..so hurt..so used..so jst fkd up. i
try to find things tht aren't really there...and i dnt acknowedge whts
staring me in the face...wht sense does tht make? im retarted. a
selfproclaimed fool. i know i make stupid choices...nd i keep makin em.
and i guess thts why things aren't changing...its so upsetting im only
22...my life jst started..i really hope life doesn't proceed this way. i
don't think ill make it .


its over now.

the timing...is wrong.
or we're wrong...for each other.
bt it felt so perfect...maybe i was wrong.
i wanna be friends bt everyday i realize we can't.
im still in love...i wish i knew why.
you disappoint me more than you put smiles on my face now.
i think you jst feel sorry for me now.
you only show me love when your mad at her.
when you don't have an answer to how i feel you jst say "i love you"...
i say it bck bc i mean it bt i don't really believe you anymore.
you dnt show it anymore. i dnt see it anymore. ive seen you love me.
now i watch you love her.
you put her first. your happy w. her. your proud to be w. her.
im jst like a bad memory holding you back.
someone tht can't let go of the past...
still trying to change what can't be changed.
what's already changed bt not to my liking.
consumed in fear...
i can't face heartbreak..face to face..
...so i jst play w. it everyday.
can it get worse?
do tears and pain ever change?
I've felt it all before so why do i choose to deal w. this uncertainty
when i can jst deal w. what i know.
nothing unfamiliar.
what am i holding on to?
better yet what am i running from?
im not satisfied. not happy. im miserable.
i get to feel wht its like to nt be the person that's the object of
someones affection..everyday.
i put up w. this.
its clear i don't love myself enough...im being desperate to be loved by
someone who's nt in love w. me anymore..
its jst nt okay anymore...im gonna go crzy.
i don't deserve this. i don't want this. and i don't need this.


still pushing..

im constantly in this battle between whether i wanna keep putting my
emotions out publicly or jst keep them as thoughts.. bt I've come to
realize when i have no one..i have my blog. its my outlet bc if no ones
there..someones listening, evn if i jst think someone is. i think we all
want understanding..to be accepted..jst acknowledged. some people are
more judgemental than they need to be and make us ashamed of how we
feel...sometimes they dnt understand tht its nt as easy for us as it
would be for them to do something and then they wanna look at us like
"tht weak bitch" , " she's stupid", ect. ect. and a lot of times i call
myself stupid bc i acknowledge everything i say, everything I've done
and still do yet istill do it, still put up w. it. i guess i am
weak..I've tried walking away and i jst can't...or i can bt i jst dnt
want to yet. its like trying to take away one piece of me that if i took
it away would leave me in a million pieces. im nt ready to break again.
I've been broken before bt im nt ready until i have something to keep me
focused on putting me back together. blogging has helped me get to know
myself very well and im extremely sensitive..more than id like to admit.
im very blunt and straightfaced a lot as a defense mechanism to not get
hurt. yeaaaa i wanna find tht man who loves me and i love him and were
jst essentially happy w. each other..bt who doesn't? there's no calendar
set on when or if youll ever find it. you find love and yu lose it then
yu start to wonder what IF yu never find love again..wht if it never
gets better? i wonder tht everyday. it affects how i think. how i trust
ppl. my interest level.. being hurt in every relationship I've ever
pursued is devastating to me bt life goes on. i have a love-hate
relationship w. myself. its not the way it should be bt the way I've
come to accept it. i love myself bt nt the way i should bc a lot of
times i dnt really like myself. i doubt myself. i hold myself down. i
put others before me , i belittle myself, i don't support myself. and
that's not the way it should be. sometimes i see beautiful like other
people do...a lot of times i don't. i see the broken little chubby girl
I've always been. the one that's not as pretty as her or her. but thts
something i have to grow out of. i have to learn to love myself. i guess
i can't expect other people to love me unconditionally if i cnt even
love myself tht way. then i wonder why people fall out of love w.
me..who would wanna deal w. my insecurities tht i shouldn't even have.
everytime i take the time to rethink things through i understand more
and more of why things are the way they are....i think i am the reason
my relationships fail. my exes tell me im nt bt i think they jst dnt
know how to tell me i need to love myself bc they cnt be the only ones
tht love me...and to be honest it makes a lot of sense. all in all, im
gonna try to change that and put me first, love me first and see if
maybe things get better....i wanna say thank you to cherei for letting
me know your still listening bc i didn't really think anyone still
listens. keep your head up girl, things will get better.



you give and you give, bt you get back nothing like you give.
you want bt never accomplish.
hope but never grasp.
have faith bt it never comes...
it wasn't meant to be.
you can try and try to make it happen, make it work but it just
there's no destiny.
you lose hope, you lose faith, yu dnt believe. you start
doubting..eventually you stop loving.
what's love if your not getting back what your putting out?
besides heartache. besides disappointment. besides looking stupid.
you try to stay loyal to love and hopee it comes through for you...
it doesn't. why? because its not love.
what you thought was love isn't love anymore its mixed emotions.
its doubt.
its weighing why i should stay versus why i should go.
the reasons for leaving outweigh staying, yet the reasons for staying
seem to sound so much more gratifying..
its a bunch of bullshit.
its like being stuck on a merry go round you can't get off of. you been
on it so long you know what to expect bt you still let the same shit
surprise you...you never adapt.
im so tired of all this. the ups tht last for moments, the downs tht
last for moments. im drained.
why keep loving something tht doesn't love you back.
why keep trying to make something work tht doesn't.
why believe the hype.
the hype sounded so much better when i had hope.
things are failing when you dnt believe..when you dnt trust.
im so intelligent. so smart. so young. so beautiful. so hopeful. so
loving. so insecure. so unhappy. so naiive. so foolish. so unloved. so
disappointed. so unsatisfied. so empty.
i dnt know whether im living or dying.
somedays im so full of life..i have something.
others im numb..i feel nothing..i have nothing.
everything you grow up hoping and wishing for are jst
disappointments...it takes a lifetime to achieve happiness and maybe
even longer than that....
i didn't think i would fall back comatose in unhappiness...
i spent 2 months trying.
maybe i succeeded for the most part..bt i dnt feel like i am.
i don't feel as though i knoww anything anymore...
maybe im jst a loss cause.