idk what it is but i just feel exhausted and i shouldnt .
i can sleep for hours and still be tired and wanna sleep .
im sooo sleepy right now but my day hasnt even started ,
its 941 i have class at 1030 out at 12 then another at 2 ,
i wont even get home til 530ish .
i cant wait til this semester is over lol im ready for a break .
i need a damn laptop so i can take some online classes .
that would be nice . lol .
but yea , thats something ill consider .
moving along . . .
you know a post isnt a post without updating my relationship lol .
we tlkd veeery briefly yesterday .
i wrote him a letter from the heart and that helped keep me content
knowing he knows exactly how i feel .
so im not really triippin ,
just fenna take this one day at a time . . .
too bad time is gonna go by slow af .
whatever is something i want so i can stick it out .
its worth it to me.
mann , trey songz - one love is playing right now , lol
i love this fuckin song , it makes me wanna cry .
but its a beautiful song . i just wanna lovve to it .
ughh i dnt have anything to say so ima leave it at thaat . . .
if i wasn't in love i woulda been gave up .
if i could control my emotions i woulda been let go .
im beginning to get mad at myself for letting myself fall so far in love
but going through things only made me love him more .
i didn't intentionally make myself fall this in love .
i still remeber when i didn't love him the way he loved me .
i still remeber feeling bad bc i felt how much he loved me and i knew i
didn't love him back the same .
sometimes i wonder how things wouldve been different if i loved him this
much when he first fell in love with me and we were happy .
im ruining us .
i feel like i love him too much now and its pushing him away .
like im scaring him bc he's nt ready for it .
i wish i could take it back but now im in too deep .
and now im just a mess .
were supposed to be focusing on ourselves rightnow .
and everytime i focus on myself i just cry .
im depressed .
i hate focusing on myself cus i hate my life .
aint shit for me to fix .
i can think and think and try to figure things out
bt they don't bring me solutions they bring me more worries.
they say focus on self happiness .
but him making me happy , helps me to keep myself happy .
its ass backwards but it works for me .
because im so unhappy by myself .
people don't understand it tho .
its like , im wrong for not havin self happiness .
but i do have it . its just very low .
i don't have shit to be happy about in my life .
everything starts to feel like a chore .
i wake up and go to skool on time everyday .
i don't have to but i do .
i do all my homework , i dnt have to but i do .
there would be no purpose in going to skool if i didn't strive for A's
but that's only one aspect of my life .
i barely have friends .
i don't hang out on the weekends .
why? bc its not fun anymore .
what changes ? yu smoke , yu drink , yu find new niggas .
its old .
i dnt WANT new niggas !
idgaf about a new nigga .
he can't do shit for me .
life aint shit like it used to be .
im tryna get my life back .
i can't even get my man back :(
but i know what im waiting on .
im just tired of wearing my ♥ on my sleeve .
i wanna roll it up .
its hard .
im feelin so low right now .
i just wanna cry as a release .
i dnt have the privacy to cry tho so ima just hold it til later .
im tired .
of life .
sometimes i regret life .
im mad i have a negative hold on life now cus
i lost everything positive i had .
im tryna get em back but its hard when yu don't even
really have any interest in life . . .
guess that's just a personal problem .
im happy for 24 , 36 , 48 hours then POUF .
something fucks it off , and what once made me happy
doesn't even matter anymore .
i talkd about trust last night but in all seriousness .
can u really trust a Single Man to nt do something?
i don't wanna get into it but
single & in love is NOT a good mix .
its not a settled mix .
you can't ever sit content .
your either over reacting or not caring enough .
idk how im supposed to react .
i cnt be mad cus im not his girl .
but i can't act like i don't care when i do .
its like something your just stuck dealing with by yourself .
because its really a personal problem .
and my DREAMS !
oh them mtfckas . smh .
they're getting tooooo real .
i dream something , i wake up concerned or worried .
i ask to see if my dreams were right , and they are .
my dreams tell me shit i guess i dnt wanna pay attn to in reality .
and i hate it .
i wish i was reaaaally dumb .
or had amnesia .
or could die for a couple days .
i wish i could forget .
and i can't .
i just have to deal .
and idk how to feel .
am i wrong for being mad ? even though i know he's
single ? or am i not wrong for feeling how i feel .
idk how im supposed to feel .
its hard keep faith when u don't know what position your supposed to
i wont never apologize for how i feel . bc its how i feel .
i can't help it . & i can't really apologize for caring either bc that's
where my love is at .
ugh . i just , whatever . fuck it .
i have a huge trust issue which is why you never hear me talk about any
new males in my life .
always just zahkeem then james .
that's it and that's all .
other guys try to talk to me but i dnt even feel like putting effort
into it because i know what they want and i don't want that .
i don't trust males .
i don't trust females .
i don't trust shit .
its a natural instinct now and idc .
im happy with where im at .
yeaa , im single . but im content with who I've been with long enough to
but ever since my trust w. james got idk interrupted
im still working on putting myself back to that place where i feel safe
from getting hurt .
its gonna take awhile but it doesn't really affect our relationship bc i
still trust him as a person .
i love him enough to trust him even tho we been through shit .
i trust him enough to not let me down .
but i still have some insecurities and i just realized it .
im working on it . i have to get out of this gf state of mind .
yea he asked to marry me but we still aren't back together .
and i know until we get back together i wont feel secure .
and its hard for me but im im really working on it .
i would do anything for us to work .
bc i know he's what i need . he's my motivation .
he's younger than me but his focus is inspiring .
it makes me wanna work harder .
were back on no talking terms .
not bc we dnt want to but bc he needs time to grow & get his life back
we didn't talk at all today & i wanna cry cus i miss him soo bad .
i know he's been spending time with his bbymma lately
and i can't be trippin cus
one . we not together .
two . i know they don't want each other ( well to tha last of my
& three . idk.
im just trusting that things wont fall apart again .
this is all the time i have .
his baby'll be here in january .
then i know after that things are gonna change .
i can accept that tho , bc i know how much his son means to him & i
would never try to interfere with that .
i just hate feeling insecure when i know he's with someone else he has
love for , cus although i know how much he loves me .
i worry abt they're love becoming stronger .
i have soo much faith in our relationship coming back together .
especially after this last incident wit that one female that i don't
respect , but im not gonna get into that cus idc enough abt her to waste
my talking time .
but i feel like our relationship is where its at for a reason & our love
is strong enough to last .
& if he feels like he could marry me !
that's like a dream come true .
and like i knooooow were not getting married anytime soon .
but that's perfectly fineee . i want our lives to be right .
i wanna have a real wedding . i wanna have a real life .
but to be able to feel like someone wants to spend their life with me ,
makes me wanna cry .
i never thought id find someone to love me back the way i love .
i don't even know HOW i fell soo in love with him .
but im sooooooooo in love right now .
just talking about it right now is making me fckin cry
and i dnt have any control over it .
its not like im sad , im just overwhelmed with emotion lol .
im touched . im loved .
i don't know if i could handle losing it at this point .
im in too deep .
it scares me , cus if things don't work or i lose him
its gonna ruin my life .
its such a main factor to my happiness .
and they say never put someone in control of your happiness or youll
always be left unhappy .
but he's not in control of it , he's just beneficial to it .
his happiness is beneficial to mines .
without him im soooooooo unhappy .
but im maintaining cus i have faith .
its kind of sad , but i can't really control how i feel .
my feelings are soo far gonee .
i wasn't tryna write a whole story lol
but im just feelin kinna down right now .
im feelin sick & i can't sleep cus i keep thinkin about my trust and
insecurities and love .
im workingg on it thoooo .
i really am .
cus its gonna all be gone when we become one again .
cant nothin stop me .
its become my diary & you guys have become my listeners & relaters .
i appreciate all my followers .
when i first started blogging i never wouldve thought id pass a hundred
let alone two hundred followers !
lol that's tight .
even though i really don't talk about shit
but my love life & stresses .
i love yall .
i will continue to blog til blogging doesn't exist anymore .
i enjoy reading other ppls blogs and writing my own .
blahhh , fenna eat me some cereal . im hungry lol
be back later , gators !
see you in another year :) .
okay not all out , like on one knee .
but he was serious .
i said yes .
there was no reason to say no .
we been through a lot , bt nothing we can't overcome .
everything we been through is a learning experience .
i was hurt , he was hurt .
but in the end it was hard love .
you gotta go to tha bottom for u get to tha top .
we're still working but WE'RE working .
not me , not him . Us .
im blessed to have someone thats willing to put in effort
and love me enough to wanna make it work & care enough to not just give
up and let it go .
im praying for our relationship and for god to make things right in
everybodies life .
im happy right now .
im no longer in pain .
and that's what means the world to me .
we need our spark back , and it should be lit really soon :)
i don't wanna get to excited , cus that's how u jjinx shit .
but im flattered .
like yea ppl have said will u marry me before , bt i never really
believed them .
i really believed him .
my heart just fluttered and melted lol
i got butterlies & teary eyes .
ima softy .
but fuck it you only live once .
we nt gettin married no time soon lol
bt tha thought of having your better half there next to u thru
everything makes it worth while .
i been there since september 9th 2008 .
its october 22nd , 2009 & im not going anywhere .
by his side is where im happy at .
where my peace of mind is at , he completes me .
everything i need .
i don't need anything from him but his lovee .
but i know he wants to give me so much more .
and i wanna give him the world back .
he makes me happy :)
& you can't take that away from me .
i love you james de`von :)
always & forever .
love always ,
your future wife :)
i been in tha library since like 1145 .
but i got outta class 30 mins early todaay .
i still got 30 mins before i have to go to class & it still dont start til 2 .
i finished my anatomy homework & been sittin here drowning myself in trey songz & drake for tha past hour :)
love trey songz fckn voice mann
i love how you can picture everything he sayin in your head
i wanna have sex to all his songs just to do what he sayin lmao ,
mm mmm mmmmmm !
if i had sex with aaany celebrity he's tha only one .
i will be his groupie sex slave for a whooole night , no lie lmao .
but anywaaaays >:)
on a happier note , todays thurs & you know what that means. . . .!
* drumroll *
YES ! thurs are MY fridays !
i have no school til monday , thaank ya jezuz .
lol , 4 days out the week is more than enough shit .
im thinkin bout tryna pile all for of my classes in 2 days for spring .
id rather be here all day then a few hours everyday .
blaahh , & im broke again so im fuckin starving .
& eating cereal in the morning dont do SHIT !
i ate a big ass bowl yesterday morning & by 1045 my shit was grumblin like i hadnt ate the day before ! smhh .
i want some goldfish , & i dnt even got a punkass dollar to buy someee ! >:o lmaoo , thats sad .
umm , in 3 days itll be my ONE YEAR BLOGGING anniversary !
yaaaay ! dont you guys love me ?! i love blogging .
its the best thing i ever decided to do .
it helps my anxiety and mind alooot ,
just being able to express all the thought that normally stayy on my mind for daays or hours .
im glad .
but yaaa ,
one more month til i get my financial aid check ,
suupper excited about tht bitch ,
all i want is my fuckin car .
and i gotta go to tha fuckin dmv & take my test for my licence , lmao =/
dooooont even ask .
i can drive but yeaa .
smh , ima get it tho .
and how much yu wanna bet eeeeeverybody gon be hittin me up after i get that shit ?
& how much you wanna bet they will all be providing GAS MONEY to enter my shit !
my gas tank dont run on friendship !
lmao . shit .
thats that fake shit . only wanna use a nigga when yu want somethin .
but im nt trippin cus i wont even be out here , guess where i'll be?????
YEP , in la county gettin dicked down by daddy !
pls excuse my language =x
but pretty much , ill be catching up on caking in my free time ,
i dont have time to be concerned with people that wanna go out & use me as a ride .
cus dont nobdy hit me anymore anyways , like i care .
i gotta make my $$$ stretch tho .
ima save 1000 , for books for spring & next fall .
yeaa the rest i have stratigicallyy planned out .
ugh . ima be job searching this spring , cus i need a job asap . & for summer .
i cant wait to start my fuckin career gosh .
just gimme one fuckin commitment & let me do it .
skool & work is too damn much lmao .
i cant even work out & go to skool my fatass be too lazy & tired .
& thats sad , cus i put on a freshman 10 lmao
& its not fuckin funny >:o
im fenna lose this shit tho , i cant be fat .
im too self conscious already smh .
i wanna box , but in order to do thaaaat , i gotta go over ma mama husband frinn house
& i dnt wanna go over there cus then tht nigga be tryna stay all fckn day and nahhhh
when i wanna go , i wanna go shit .
hence, why i need a car .
blahhhh , well im hoping this car takes away half the reasons why i cant do everything i waaant .
cus tht means i can go out when i want .
see certain friends when i want .
spend time wit my ex/future husband when i want lol
have sex when i want .
do whatever the fuck i please , when i waaant >:o .
im excited :)
watch my dumbass fail the drivers test n not get no L's
my ass a be breakin the law drivin wit no l's lmao
no but forreal .
ahh , idk .
but yeaaa .
im just rambling cus im bored and now i have 7 mins left so im fenna
listen to my fav new songgggg
sex therapy by robin thicke
&& if you aint heard that , get on it ,
its such a cute song :) ima make love to it soon .
but yeaa , be back when i have something to talk about .
bye lovesssss .
ps - i Love you , cus i know your gonna read this :-*
de`von .: Gn..ily
pntbttr x jellie: goodnite love . i love you too .
de`von .: K
pntbttr x jellie: may 21st :) that was the best day of my life .
[** side note : may 21st was the day we 1st got together forreal . **]
pntbttr x jellie: i can appreciate that day . bt gn
pntbttr x jellie: 5 months ago today :-d ok ok im done .
de`von .: Mines too
de`von .: Sure is huh
de`von .: Imma get that back for us
pntbttr x jellie: that's bomb .
pntbttr x jellie: okay de`von .
pntbttr x jellie: ima do my part too , whatever you need .
de`von .: Happy anniversary
de`von .: I love you so much
pntbttr x jellie: happy anniversary
pntbttr x jellie: i love you more james de`von , more than anything in
this world .
de`von .: I know
pntbttr x jellie: dont ever forget that
pntbttr x jellie: don't take it for granted .
de`von .: I got tears in my eyes
de`von .: Im not
pntbttr x jellie: me too de`von .
pntbttr x jellie: i been holdin em back all day .
pntbttr x jellie: i just want everything to be alright .
de`von .: Me too
de`von .: It will be soon
de`von .: I promise
pntbttr x jellie: ima do whatever i have to , to get it back
pntbttr x jellie: okay .
de`von .: I let that girl go for good
de`von .: Im serious about us
de`von .: Your my heart jellie
pntbttr x jellie: i love you .
pntbttr x jellie: your my world james .
pntbttr x jellie: i live for you .
de`von .: I love you too
de`von .: Remember wht I said
de`von .: U can't live for me
de`von .: U gotta live for yourself first
pntbttr x jellie: okay , well i need you to survive .
pntbttr x jellie: im livin for me to love you .
pntbttr x jellie: that's all i wanna do , that makes me happy .
de`von .: Ok
pntbttr x jellie: i wont forget james . i remeber everything you said .
pntbttr x jellie: i love you ok
------------------------------ 12:46 am ------------------------------
de`von .: Ok
de`von .: I love you too
de`von .: Gd night
pntbttr x jellie: gn .
* and this gave me peace of mind .
that is all .
idk what to do with mysefl & its driving me crazy .
some a yall prolly lookin at me crzy lol
like this bitch is soo dramatic .
but im so serious .
you take away an everyday necessity and you end up incomplete .
there's a cause & effect .
you take away brushing your teeth everyday
& what's the effect ?
bad breath & mouth hygiene .
not tha best example but understandable .
i been tlkin to james everyday for as long as i can remember ..
we met september 9th 2008 .
and we didn't talk eeeveryday ater that . but about a month later we
were inseperable .
if we didn't talk there was a real reason why .
he's my everyday dose of comfort and happiness .
he's something for me to give my love to & he receives it amazingly .
he gives it back graciously .
he's a blessing to my life , real shit .
and having to force myself to be without him is like torture .
like a itch you can't scratch .
i don't even think i smiled once today .
i just felt clouded .
i wanted to scream .
and i couldn't focus for shit .
i just wanted to go home .
& now tht im on my way
i just wanna sleeep .
i wanna do anything that makes me forget .
i was trying so hard today lol
& eveeerything kept reminding me .
first i was going thru my followers n his icon was in tha list :(
then when i was omw to tha library a
black maro pulls up ( he drives one lol)
then i was flippin thru my notebook
& there's "angelica ♥ `s james " drawn on a sheet
i wanted to fuckin cry .
i was like wtf man .
its like mann .
idk what to do .
im just like waiting .
but idk for what or how long .
im lost .
i just hope its worth it all . . .
Naturally we disagree im mad at you, you mad at me then I tell you somethin sweet just to keep you here wit me cuz you already no what I wanna (what I wanna do) cant nobody come between me and you (no problems, no family, no drama, no friends) if you thought about it no think again baby slow ya row you aint leavin me no I aint letting you go all I ever think about is you . . .
* i LOVE you .
i feel like i wanna throw up ,
bt i forced myself to eat cus its only my second meal of the day since 8
i have no appetite .
my mouth is dry & i cnt even taste my food .
looks good , i just can't enjoy it .
I've been doing everything i can to keep myself
busyy & mind off things .
i did homework .
washed dishes & mopped the floor .
cleaned tha livingroom & vacuumed .
picked out my clothes for tmmw .
took a long shower .
did my eyebrows .
and forced myself to eat dinner .
for some odd reason nobdys hitting me up ,
but im good cus im nt in a tlking mood anyways .
my down mood is obvious bc my mom & her
husband picked up on it .
hopefully tmmws better but i doubt it .
im strong enough to make it thru so im nt gonna crumble . . .
even tho im sure im gonna break down again within this week .
i haven't even went tha whole day without him &
feel like i lost everything . lol .
just knowing i have to go without him is what's killing
i haven't really felt it yet . . .
* deep breath .
im fenna take a blog break cus this is really all i been bloggin about
lately & i went frm 220 followers to 218 !
wtf is up with that >:o !!
lol . i love my religious readers :-*
i appreciate your comments & experiences when you give them .
that's all for now .
be back sooner than later .
* i love you .
im lost for words .
bt at least i stopped crying .
for now at least .
idk how long this feeling is gonna last bt hopefully nt long .
im down .
im out .
im fuckin ugh :'(
i had such a good morning .
& i swear i knew i wasn't gonna end the day the same .
how am i feenna sleeep >:o
this wont let me have any peace of mind .
im bout to just try to focus .
focus . focus .
i can't drag myself through the mud all week .
at least i dnt want to . . .
these first few days are gonna be the worst .
bt i guess i gotta prepare for it .
what can i do?
august 31st we broke up .
october 19th we said goodbye (for now =/)
i hope "month&day he comes back" hurries .
im about to be numb .
but im gonna start my homework so i can take my shower and go to bed
* i love you .
i wanted to just , stop talking unofficially .
so i didn't have to face it .
but we did it .
and i realized i wasn't ready bt what could i do ?
i just cryedd .
im still crying .
i can't even breathe right .
writing is tha only thing that's fenna keep me frm havin an anxiety
i feel like i just dropped my heart on tha ground .
i was tryna hold back tears but theyre pullin frm deep inside , & i feel
i feel like someone just died .
he's there when i need him .
but i need him everydayyy
im taking this soo much worse than i wanted to .
mannnn , im fenna cry for tha rest of tha day .
i start crying again everytime i remember .
i really hope this is worth it .
i feel like tha biggest crybby on earth right now .
i can't stooop .
im fenna concentrate on calming down .
ill be back later if i feel better . or stop fckin cryin ,
whichever happens first .
silly girl , silly world .
im such a big ass kid lol
i was in the jack in the box bathroom hence tha bigass toilet in tha background.
im just sitting heree , at school .
im done for tha day but im posted , listening to my song that got dedicated to me :) -- trey songz - holla if you need meee , love this song .
but yeaa , im boreed . im fenna leave .
i dont really wanna get into the me & james situation .
but today was a good day .& its gonna end that way .
im ending our communication for awhile .
i gotta see whats gonna happen ,
*long sighh .
im scaredd . but whats meant to be will be i guessss .
blaaaahh . lol .
ill be back later .
i can't even get into the drama that greeted me this morning
after i woke up .
im just appauled by the things people do to
try to get their point across .
im my own person .
i have stresses & anxiety .
bt i have no confusion as to what is right
& what is wrong .
i know what i stand behind & what i stand for .
& that wont ever change .
bt besides that .
I've been working on my anxiety
and doing some research bc
its getting really bad lately .
i already have bad nerves where i alwaaaaays
tap my foot or shake my leg .
but now im getting like jitters .
like in a really stressful moment i just start shaking
and get really flushed like im fenna have an anxiety attack .
im too young for this shit .
so I've been doing some research and i read some shit that hit the nail
right on the head for me , this is what it said :
"Chronic worriers can't stand doubt or unpredictabliity. They need to
know with 100 percent certainty what's going to happen. Worring is seen
as a way to predict what the future has in store, a way to prevent
unpleasant surprise and control the outcome. The problem is it doesn't
Thinking about all the things that could go wrong doesn't make life any
more predictable. You may feel safer when your worrying, but its just an
illusion. Focusing on worst case scenarios wont keep bad things from
happening. It will only keep you from enjoying the good things you have
in the present. "
man , that's soooo me !
i worry 24/7 about things that are happening and
wanting them to go right .
i have no control over it
but i want to know everything so i can try to predict what's going to
and i still always end up in disappointment bc that's something i can't
i need to focus on accepting what's real .
& knowing tht i have no control over things like that .
my anxiety interferes with my life .
my actions & decisions .
my sleep . my focus .
its crazy .
im always worring about "what if this & what if that . . ."
and i have to realize everythings not in my control .
i just have to let god take it and prayy .
& my mom always tells me pray everyday
bt i really only pray when i really need him .
but frm this day forward ima pray everyday .
bc i need his guidance and support .
i guess you have to recognize when your at
your worst to recognize when your at your best .
my emotions are out of wack
but im focused .
im working on it .
i love myself enough to not give up .
i really need james to stay a part of my life for that mental support
hes always given me
but no matter what i think god a find a way to keep him there , together
or not .
it hurts me to not be with him , but
it would hurt me more to be without him .
i love him .
& with that said i feel like i jst became a little bit wiser than i was
& i still can't sleep .
i wishh i was highh
so i could cry on clouds .
smoke away my stress & worries .
i wanna sleep my life away .
that's preety much death .
im layin here cryin to myself
bc i can't figure out why i wanna be dead .
why do i wanna give up?
why don't i care enough about life to wanna live ?
why do i put other peoples happiness before mines ?
i can keep crying but its never gonna change anything .
im so hurt my heart hurts , literally .
its tight .
im slowly losing everything .
& when i have nothing .
i wont care to have something .
i refuse to be on anti depressants , or any other drugs .
i reefuuuuuse .
i will noot be a drug user .
will not ever happen .
my family is full of addictions
im nt joining tht band wagon .
so dnt suggest seeing a pychiatrist .
ill stick to smoking my blunt & crying myself to sleep .
i guess thts my therapy .
i don't have anyone to tlk to except you guys
they wont understand .
gonna tell me some shit i dnt wanna heaar .
i dnt even feel comfortable tlking to james
cus i know how much he hates it .
even tho i know he's gonna read this .
i hate how i feel bt i feel insecure tlking abt it bc i dnt want ppl to
llook at me & judge me .
bc im nt crazy .
and that's the 1st thing everyone wants to think .
im miserable . and im wrking on it .
i need someone to be there
bt i feel so alone .
i hate this feeling .
im fenna go get a therapiast for anxiety tho .
my anxiety interferes with my life too much .
i worry entirely too much & idk how to let go .
i dnt hate myself .
i love being me .
i love people loving me .
i just hate how i feel .
misunderstood & confused .
lost & misused .
the people i love keep me alive .
bc i knw how much i would hurt them if i died .
and i dnt wanna be responsible for that .
if i lose them , i lose myself .
im fenna finish crying myself to sleep tho , im tired .
& to my james de`von . im ssry & iloveyou .
but instead i just cry . . .
I've thought about dying since abt the 6th grade
but not suicidal enough to ever try to kill myself .
i dnt wanna feel pain before i die .
i feel enough while im alive.
i feel bad for wanting to die
that can't be right , cus sometimes i wanna live
& see what life a be like when its right .
im tired of the wrong .
everyday is another sad ass song .
im so unhappy that i can cry at any moment .
im fragile . more sensitive then i ever been in my whole life .
nothing really makes me happy anymore bc its always something right
behind it to break it back down .
i love more than anything to be in love .
but the downside makes me wish i couldn't feel it .
im on a emotional rollercoaster & i can't even get off .
i can't blame anything on him bc i already know the reality of things .
i just can't stick to what i said long enough to ever get over it .
i say , im just gonna stop tlkin to him and let him do him .
then i see his smile in my mind and remeber how i love you sounds when
he says it and i forget .
i can't escape frm my emotions , & they're sriving me crazy .
i can't stop feeling how i feel & im starting to feel like soon ima look
but im completely sane .
just lost in love and nothings the same .
i have to wait to get the love i need .
bc i feel like im losin the love i want .
im mad at myself for not being able to control my feelins the way i want
i don't wanna argue or get jealous or get mad or feel bossy
and i don't wanna ruin what we have left bc of it .
i just wanna cryyy .
and its not evn bc of him but bc idk what's wrong with me anymore .
i been thru so much in my lifee and i can't understand why im so
insecure abt myself .
when i was little ppl used to tell me i was pretty and to myself i would
think what are they seeing that i dnt see ?
i dnt think i actually considered myself pretty til the 10th grade .
i never called myself ugly .
bt i didn't think i was pretty .
& sometimes i get insecure to the girls the boys i like , like bcus if
their pretty i feel like maybe they think they're prettier than me .
i was overweight when i was little
& i got talked abt like most lil fat kids .
kids are so cruel .
so I've alwaays been insecure abt my body and my weight .
and even tho ppl don't see me as fat . i still see fat .
i hateee my body .
and I've learned to love certain parts but im not confident enough to
just walk around naked .
how do you fix an insecurity complex ?
this can't be the only reason im unhappy with life
im unhappy with my life .
im 21 years old & don't have shit .
no job . no car . no money . no place . no clothes . no friends . SHIT
if i lost my mom , my whole world would die bc she's the only person
that takes care of me & i hate it .
my moms on disability & i nver ask her for anything even tho i know she
would give me the world .
and it breaks my heart bc i know im old enough to take care of myself
& i should be helping take care of her .
my life feels pointless .
i feel like i keep losing my bf bc i dnt have a car and i can't see him
the way i want to .
if i had a car i don't think we woulda fell apart like we did .
or maybe it was inevitable , bt i still feel like its partly my fault .
other bitches he tlk to have cars & wht abt me ?
im older and i dnt have shit .
i cnt do shit .
i feel helpless .
like wtf can i do , aint no competition cus i already lost .
im mad that my life fell apart like this . i had half of everything i
needed when i was 18 , minus tha car and minus a man .
and i always hated not having a real bf . bc both my bestfriends were in
love and had bf's and i didn't .
to this day I've never had a real relationship .
I've never been on a real date .
I've never been treated and spoiled .
I've never been spent on .
I've never got to actually love someone the way i reeally want to .
& i fucking H A T E it .
all i wanna do is give lovee , & its soo hard to give .
all i wanna do is be lovedd , & its soo hard to keep .
i can't make love be my first priority .
& its not .
myself should be my 1st priority .
& school is .
that's the only thing im doing for myself .
but i feel like im gonna fall apart before i ever get to enjoy the
luxuries of education & career .
im still growing .
ill never stop bc life is a growing experience .
bt sometimes i feel like i learned enough to not wanna grow anymore .
people say look to the future ! its greater later !
but how am i gonna be happy abt my future when i can't even get thru the
man i just got soo much shit off my chest rigght now
i feel like a weights been lifted , bt i still wanna cry .
my sadness is turning into anger .
and i dnt want it to .
i dnt wnna be an angry person .
i dnt wanna be bitter .
i wannna be happy .
i wanna love .
& i wanna have a life .
that's it , that's all .
im gonna work on loving myself more .
im gonna work on channeling my emotions .
im gonna work on letting go .
im gonna work on letting life happen .
bc im getting too tired .
tired of life , tired of pain , tired of crying , tired of tryna be
happy when im really sad , tired of laughing when i really wanna cry .
tired of wishing i would go to sleep and die .
just tireed !
i guess we gotta work to be happy .
nothings free in lifee . . . not even self happiness .
on that note im fenna knck out .
im done .
so much shit be happenin in such a short time its hard to recap .
so ill start with yesterday .
i was home ,
i was good .
then i went down .
i was in a depressed state for several hours .
i don't even wanna get into it .
i need to find myself =/
i ended up going to tha club wit my cuzins n homegirls .
it was okaaay , i guess .
i bought my very first drink frm tha bar :D
woop ! woop !
went to tha homegirls house & knocked .
then i woke up , kept havin sad dreams abt james .
then i wake up . and he had aimed me .
but i had been thinking maybe we should stop talking cus i can't let go
of the situation and how i feel .
and that conversation ended up being very long .
in the end , i figured out i need to do some soul searching of my own .
bc i am very unhappy in my own state of mind .
and i lean on other ppl for my happiness which is why i always end up in
i know from yalls point of view , most of you
are prolly like damn he did u like that !
but he's the most beautiful caring person i know .
and he means know harm , i know tht for a fact he's just goin thru a lot
but he's always there for me when i need him .
and he's right i need to learn to love me bc i do focus more on other
ppl then myself .
i just need to find out why im so unhappy with life .
cus i know he brings me happiness .
he said some of tha most touching things today .
it gave me a little hope .
and i dnt wanna feel naiive or anything bt
i believe in him still .
yall only get a portion of how things are btwn us .
but i know him . more then what i talk about .
its soo much more then that .
so were gonna take this seperation as a growing experience .
hopefully everything works itself out and comes together .
i love him . & he loves me & that's all that matters .
which i knew i wasnt .
my day was full of umm . . .moments .
my morning went good .
my 2nd class was cancelled so i got to leave skool early .
i was talking to james all morning .
then my worries kept coming , so i kept asking
he didnt wanna talk about it because it was my birthday .
idk how we ended back on it buut
once again my intuition was right .
i knew it .
basically he doesnt want us anymore .
i would usually be all out of wack , bt i was preparing myself for it .
still hurt , but fuck it what can i do .
that conversation ended .
theen , 2-3 hours later his cousin txts me like james fenna go to jail .
my whole world stopped .
everything that happened earlier flew out the window .
like w t f .
&& i was higgh af .
& i already have anxiety so , me , stressful situations & dro do nooot mix .
i just wanted to cry .
so i was talkin to his cuzin tha whole timee .
he got bailed out & i talked to him .
but he had court this morning .
i talked to him when i woke up before court & im streessssssseddddd outttt .
im soo worried .
he had court at 10 & its 1247 , but i know court takes forever buut im fenna text cus im fenna lose my mind .
i know shit didnt go how i wnted but i still dont want anything to happen to him . he's still my heart . ill update later on the situation when i get info .
overall my birthday went exactly how i expected . no surprise .
just another day in my life , & he didnt ruin it . i just disregarded the whole day . . .todays a new one .
the rollercoaster ride of ups and downs is making me sick .
somethings wrong with him . & idk what :(
i asked was he okay , he said no & he didn't wanna tlk about it .
i told him i loved him , he didn't even say it back .
& somehow im feelin like in the back of my heart ,
it has something to do wit that other girl .
i can't . i can't . i caaant .
i can't handle it anymore .
i can't win .
i can't love him enough .
i can't make him love me the most .
i can't make him wanna be with me .
i can't make him nt wanna be with her .
i can't make him chose .
i can't do shit .
i can walk away tho .
i said i wouldnt tho .
im torn between staying loyal to our love and staying loyal to my heart
i wanna walk away & make everything easier for everybody .
make his life easier .
ill break my own heart .
before i fight to try to win & end up losing .
im fenna start crying again .
im in this blind battle ,
im fighting for what's not guaranteed .
i never asked for anything but to be loved back
i never wanted anything in life more than to be loved unconditionally by
someone i was in love with .
i feel like maybe im lookin for love in the wrong places .
how do i know when im choosing the wrong love ?
when i first fell in love with him things were perfect .
why didn't i know i would end up in another love triangle fighting for
my love & my heart?
everyones telling me "youll find the person that's right for yu " .
but he WAS the person that was right for me !
i left my boyfriend bc i felt he loved me more .
he did love me more .
he told me my bf didn't deserve me , & he was right .
he didn't . he wanted to be my hero & sweep me off my feet & he
he stole my heart . and my soul . & my life .
& now im sitting here uneasy . unsure of what's about to happen .
if he's gonna stay in my life or chose to leave .
he said he wasn't letting me go but im scared .
he's not letting me go bc he needs my friendship .
bt he could choose to let go of my heart & that's what means the most to
im tryna be sooo fuckin strong & i feel myself breaking everyday .
one day im uneasy . then i talk to him and he takes it all away .
i fall in love with him over and over again everytime he makes me laugh
i remember the reason i fell in love with him . & im reminded everytime
i wanna fight for our love .
but how do you fight for something like that ?
love is a two person emotion .
i just want him to know and be sure .
i want him to choose me or her .
i dnt want him to be stuck btwn the two .
i dnt wanna be coldhearted against her feelings but I don't give a
flying FUCK HOW SHE FEELS .
nobody told her to fall in love with someone who was already in love .
now he's stuck .
now he doesn't wanna hurt either of us .
but were all gonna be hurt in the end .
especially me .
i hate this .
how do yu let go of the one person yu love more than damn near yourself
i don't wanna give up on us but i feel like ima regret it if i stay & i
end up getting hurt again .
man , im fenna cry like crzy cus the tears is already burnin my eyes and
so im fenna leave this alone as of right now .
i love you de`von . gn .
lol , leave it to my bby to call me and talk all my mins out lmao .
i just fuckin bought a 10$ card today and i tlked all 9 dollars out on
him ! lmao .
i got 20 cent ! ill be happy if tha shit works tmmw .
ugh , im nt fenna have a phone til my birthday :'(
cus my mama nt fenna give me another 10$ lol .
weeell that's all . sooo , bby if yu txt or call or sign on aim & im out
of reach . . .
know that its YOUR FAULT >:o !! but that 45 mins was worth it :D kinda
you still buyin me some mins nigga . lol .
i love you baby gnite .
weeeeeeeell , today was a regular day .
we talked like an almost regular day .
then i missed his call when i was in the shower .
blaaah . whatever .
were okay i guess ,
it could always be better to me .
but its um , tolerable .
im annoyed with feelin like "one of tha boo's"
im not nobodys fuckin boo .
lol , shit .
i been around longer then most a these btches im ready to start droppin
i can't dictate his life . he's not my man , so he's free to do as he
i wish i could tolerate uglyness .
if i could id have me a ugly nigga on lock .
jp , kinda .
my birthday is in TWO DAYS ! woopwoop !
o c t o b e r 1 4 t h ! :)
ill be 21 and still NOT where im supposed to be . smh .
all i need is my car & i can pull everything else together .
indeeed . with time ill be back on my shit .
everybody gon be mad when big badd ass angelica the paralegal step in
the room continuing to shut shit down and steal yo nigga wit a blink & a
might have to steal my own back shit lol .
he's steal talking about having a family which means a FUTURE , which is
always a good thing :)
no high hopes . bc just cus i want it to happen it wont .
im nt fenna jinx it .
i guess its better he wanna fck around with other btches while we apart
rather than together . . .
i wanna hit fast forward on life already .
i feel 17 .
i wanna be 25 with a life & career .
pregnaant or engaged .
something worth life .
something substantial .
i refuseeee to be a bbymma , single parent , on state assistance , by
myself , working a mall job , any of tht shit by the time i past 25 .
no offense to those that do live that life .
but that's just my personal preference for my life .
ill be damned .
it prolly wont even happen that way .
but i wanna be engaged , with kids on tha way , with a mortgage (or
condo at least lol) and a car note & career .
how bout it ???
sounds good .
hopefully that'll be what's happening in the next four years .
if not , eh . . . oh well , we all have hopes lol .
im fenna knock . school in tha am . nite nite .
so on with my present thoughts .
i been smoking allll weekend trying to keep my thoughts off of things .
i tlked to him a brief moment last night & it didn't even feel like he
wanted to talk to me .
but idk , maybe that was just me .
im getting tired .
i feel like maybe i should just say bye & let him go .
i gotta stop holding on so tight to whts not mine .
they always say know your worth . know you worth .
i always choose to settle bc im comfortable with what makes me happy .
with what im used to making me happy .
i love james . and he's worth me .
but i feel like im in competition for his love now .
I've hurt him in the past but after everything we've been through i
don't feel like i should have to fight to keep it .
i wish people understood how much i love , how hard .
i think its taken for granted .
but what can i really do about it .
at this point i just feel like giving up .
he knows how much i love him . what more can i do .
i can't even show him , i can't even see him .
he wants his space so im giving him that .
and in this space i feel like this is gonna be for tha worst , for me at
i rarely dislike people . i very rarely hate people .
but i haate that girl . i do .
she interrupted my happinesss .
and i can't blame it all on her bc he had just as much to do with it .
but why did she have to fall in love with the man im in love with ?
why did he fall in love with her back?
why do i feel so disrespected .?
im angry . it aint shit i can do about it .
i feel like im losing his love .
he doesn't feel the spark btwn us anymore cus he feels it btwn them .
i can't even try to fix it . & its killing me .
maybe i should just leave him alone and let him be happy with her .
i feel just ughhh , defeated !
some bitch always comes along and steals what i worked so hard to keep
or love .
i can't be mad about zahkeem & his new gf bc i left zahkeem in order to
pursue my love for james .
& i don't regret it . but maybe i fucked up fate .
maybe i was supposed to stay with zahkeem & james was supposed to try
things with his babys mom .
maybe i was selfish trying to figure out who i loved more being
inconsiderate to their feelings .
he hasn't felt our spark . . .
that means since we got back together again in august .
that means he's been unsure for this many months .
that's how i left his heart open to be took .
how did i manage to fuck that up?
i swear i have the worst luck with fucking up the things that make me
and the fact im always left without being able to fight for what i wanna
im helpless .
how do i fight for him without pushing him away if he wants space ?
how do i keep his love full and nt lose it to her .
im figuring i should let him go before he chooses who he wants and it
might nt possibly be me .
bc if he should choose her over me again , im literally gonna have a
heart failure and die frm severe heartbreak .
so im just let go now , and if he decides im the girl he wants then ill
be happy . if not , then I've already put my guard up to lessen my
these are my thoughts at the moment .
maybe they'll change maybe they wont .
i need lovee . i miss it . i want it back , the way i used to have it .
ill be back sooner then later .
and your heart through . for hurting you . i never had intentions of
hurting you , ever . the only man to ever love everything about me . i
would give my life for you . and i know i tell you how much i love you
damn near everyday , but i could never tell you enough . if things don't
work out in the end , im sooo thankful i met you . your my bestfriend .
you told me i taught you how to love . and in return you taught me what
actual love feels like . i wouldnt trade it for the world . all the
tears and hurt , never pulled me away but made me love you even more .
cus at the end of the day , you will always be my world . and if you
ever walked away , my world will spin slower . so if that should ever
happen , i hope god brings you back to me so that i could complete my
life with you . bc in all honesty i can't see myself spending it with
anyone else .
i love you james de`von . and that's on my life . that's all i wanted to
say , oh & i miss you . gnite .
im miserable .
im not trying to be , im trying really hard not to be .
but its harder than i thought .
i gotta stop blogging about my love life just on the strength everytime
i do the opposite happens .
i think im jinxing it .
i don't know what to do with myself .
im doing too much thinking .
i haaate when i do this .
distance makes me inferior .
im getting insecure and i shouldn't be .
im trying to trust what he told me , but damn
he's told me things before and then something happened .
he knows i lost his trust . . .
and its really hard bc now in the back of my mind im hoping the same
thing doesn't happen again .
there's no guarantee everythings gonna work out and i feel like im on a
merry go round .
like im blogging about the same shit over and over .
i just hate how inferior i feel now .
once upon a time i was so confident i was his girl , his world .
i was what he wanted and i knew i was all he cared about.
now its not the same . i know he still loves me . but he loves other
he's unsure , im not all he wants but he's willing to try .
then he's unsure he should be trying with anyone .
and as much as i respect that and wanna give him his space . .
its hard on me .
i really miss him .
i guess i should be thankful i got that hour convo before we parted .
but now i just miss him even more .
i wish i had more control over my feelings .
i wish i could not care as much , love less .
but all i know how to do is give love .
that's gonna always be my greatest downfall , bc once i fall .
im down . heart wide open in love .
this is only my 2nd time falling in love and this is way more intense
then my 1st .
maybe whoever i fall in love with next could be more ?
but i really doubt that .
i want our past back .
i haaaate this insecure feeling .
i feel like im putting so much strain on the relationship we have left
bc i wanna go bck to being the one and only so bad again .
i never wanted to feel insecure about us .
im not insecure abt the way i love him bc i know the way i love him is
bt im insecure abt the way he loves me . . .
he loves me enough to wanna try again , to end things with her , to keep
loving me through everything we been through .
but im insecure bc i know im nt the only one he loves .
i don't have all his love or heart anymore .
and i want that back . i want us back . i want our spark back . i want
our happiness back . i want our all day convos back . i wanna go back to
when we 1st fell in love when things weren't this complicated .
but im not gonna give up . i can't break bc i need to make it through
in the end were either gon make it or break .
and either way i have to be able to handle it .
ill fight to the end of the world for him .
anything & everything he wants & needs , im there .
that's what love is all about . loyalty of the heart .
his happiness is essential to my happiness .
& that's why i know he'll never find another love like mines .
i can put his happiness before mines bc without his mines is non
my eyes are tearing up and im not even saying anything .
but that's my love for him . he no longer has my heart , he is my heart
take him away , you take away my heartbeat .
give him back , & you give me back my life .
telling me he didn't want me to be mad at him bc this is what he needs
to get his shit bkc together .
i can respect that . bc i want the best for him .
he's going thru a lot more important shit than just our drama & in the
long run it'll just be better for us .
& i hope that works out .
just know im not sad .
im content i guess .
we talked for a little over an hour .
our past , present and future .
bby , i love you .
my fingers are still crossed but im breathing a little easier .
because he's not sure .
this love rollercoaster is the worst ,
but ill ride it to the end bc i love him that much .
when i was reading his old blogs yesterday i wanted to cry .
i feel cruel , and stupid .
bc i couldnt see how much he really loved and wanted me when i was stuck
in such a "in love" fantasy with my ex before him .
i feel like i ruined everything we coulda had .
bc i was unsure then , and he's unsure now .
i waited too long to love him the way he wanted to be loved & now im
i don't understand how we love each other so much but it isn't working
i want it to fucking work !
& i can't really blame anyone but me if it fails .
he said he needs time to hisself frm everyone .
and i can give him that bc i want him to know what he wants .
i need to know , so that i can breathe a little easier .
i just wanna love him and make him happy , that would make me happy .
i wanna be happy .
he said all we do is hurt now in this relationship , bt im nt trying to
were just having love pains . . .
im too hopeful .
this could be us falling apart & me holding on so tight im not seeing it
im gonna prayyyyyyy everynight that god brings my love back to me .
i need his lovee , i really do .
he don't know how much it means to me .
we been like bestfriends for damn near a year ,
without him it feels like half my world died .
i can say nobodies ever loved me to the extent he does .
i can feel it , and i want that .
this is my last time crying .
i wasn't even trying to ,
im just mad at myself for taking so long and being so confused at first
that now things btwn us aren't even the same now .
he can have his time . i can respect that .
im just scared of what its gonna reveal .
i cross my fingers & cross my heart .
everythings in god`s hands now .
ima let him do what he fits best .
»ok so the rules.1. Post award on your blog2. Link or tell a bit about the person who gave you the award…3. Each one of you who receive this award must list down 5 facts/hobbies about yourself4. Pass this award to 5 or more bloggers
- my five randoms .
1. i love being in complete darkness .
2. im anemic and allwaaaays cold .
3. my favorite food is california rolls [sushi] .
4. im infatuated with sex but rarely have it .
5. i hate trying to be nice to people that are tryna get at me .
- im passing this onnn toooo . . .
1. REGGIE [ http://reggieiscrazy.blogspot.com ]
2. FAMOUSJ.NET [ http://famousj.net ]
3. ORGANIC POISON [ http://wattheeff.blogspot.com ]
4. ALEJANDRAX3 [ http://alejandrax3.blogspot.com]
5. YOU LOVELEE* [ http://lovelee.blogspot.com ]
&&just for the record lol , i dont really care if yall dont pass this forward :) [no offense]
im having a good morning cus i had a gd day and night yesterday.
sometime yesterday when i was tlking to james i had to make sure i wasnt misinterpreting our situation so i asked him did he really wanna work it out or did he just feel srry for me lol .
his response : "Are you serious? no i didnt feel bad for you I wanna work it out seriously."
i just needed to know we were on tha same page.
but we talked later on tht night and i got sad again cus he said it still dont feel like it used to , he said he doesnt feel the spark we used to have anymore but he does still love me the same and he wants to try bc we have to try together if we want it to work.
and i agree , im just glad hes willing to do that.
thats love right?
&& nooo , were not bk together so dont start makin assumptions,
we need timee , i just hope everything works itself out cus if it doesnt . .
i cant be mad bc we tryed . i just have to take a loss , forreal.
but whatever , love is a journey and like queen latifah said in the secret life of bees . . . love is never perfect .
i need to disconnect my wanting everything to be perfect and work out as planned frm reality
like i used to bc it is the main reason im always disappointed
and i already know this . . but i can never take my own advice for some reason lol .
&& james is like, babe shit happens , if everything went perfect in life nobody would be sad. its just life .
& yea , hes right .
but i still wanna be a big ass hopeful bby ,
hoping and wishing everything goes the way i want .
which will prolly never happen bt whatever lol .
as of right now im content .
im nt completely over the situation cus im still kinda hurt ,
but im healing , i can say that much .
&&time heals all wounds . . .
ps - he did end things with her .
but, me and james had a long talk and somewhere in expressing how i feel i guess he realized how important i really am to him as he is to me. I believe he broke up with her. but its not like were fenna jump right back into anything. im still hurt and scared, but he wants to make it work as do i soooo , lets see what happens. were gonna take our time and see what happens. his cuzin said lol , "yall just need to work shit out cus yall not gon be happy unless yall with each other honestly. "
that lifted my spirits kinda, not too high tho. no need to get my hopes up for nothingggg , i wont know exactly how we feel or stand til i see him which will hopefully be for my birthday if everything goes how i want it.
ill be back :)
its hitting me !
im bout to fuckin start crying in the middle of this library .
im tryna relax & take my mind awayy .
todays not gonna be a good day .
im gonna break today .
i feel so fuckin lost .
like im giving him his space .
with no doubts about it , i still have no words for him
i dont even have the courage to talk to him .
how could he do me like that .?
i would do anything in the world to fix it .
i cant type anymore im bout to start cryin ,
if i told him anything i'd tell him to listen to
bobby valentino- stay with me .
thats how i feel , and ima leave my emotions at that .
cus its not bout to happen . .
hella heartbroken .
so this was my first day after we "ended things" .
i woke up feelin sad but as my day went on and i tlked to my better
halfs & bess homie , i didn't even care .
well i do , but not enough to stay sad .
i was more idk , disappointed .
but i wasn't trippin tho .
that's what im accustomed to .
good ol dissapointment :) it never fails me .
i guess i let the pedestal i put him on , seeing him as so different let
me miss the signs .
weeelll wait .
let me not say miss , cus i didn't miss shit .
i let my heart get in the way of what my brain already knew .
he wanna be with her . i guess ill take that losss .
funny how the two niggas that told me how much they oh so loved me are
now with other girls but BOTH claim there's nothing wrong with how i
i agree to disagree . bc something isn't right .
or maybe the way they loved me aint the way i loved them .
i think i love too maturely for my age .
my love is strong enough to get married today and be happy with that one
person for a lifetime .
i don't expect them to love me that much but close would be nice .
i guess im just tired of being left .
i always feel abandoned .
like im just supposed to be like FASHO ! :)
nah , its more than that .
this time around im emotionless .
i didn't cry today mostly bc im too proud to show im hurt .
crying don't do shit . don't change the situation . don't take the pain
away . but it makes u stronger , more careless .
i been talkin to this one nigga , to take my mind off things but i dnt
want no relationship . we been knowin each other for tha longest . if
anything ill use him for emotional and physical support . who cares . i
i wont say that im heartless , bc im not .
i just put my heart inside a steel box wit a padlock and security fence
around it . lol .
its stayin where its at . cus im nt willing to put it at risk again .
i refuse .
love is a selfLess emotion so with that said ,
i do Love angelica 1st .
i love him . so i hope he's happy , it hurts me to see him sad . so if
he wasn't happy with me , that's unfortunate for my heart , but ill
sacrifice that . everything happens for a reason .
& if he didn't leave me on real or legit intentions . . .
karmas a real bitch .
so i aint worried . lol .
i shoulda seen this coming to be honest .
i left zahkeem for james so of course he had to leave me for someone
im not blue bc im not sad .
but im see thru bc im emotionless .
i feel blank . like part of me is missing .
it is . . .
but ill refill that space with time .
i wont regret anything . my past makes my future .
& that im anxious for . . . kind of .