july 1st, 2010 .

its sort of annoying that i can spend so much time trying to make
decisions that should be made in the blink of an eye. im emotionally
drained, and sometimes i feel like i need a friend and other times i
don't. i had to choose btwn keeping james in my life as a friend or
letting everything go yesterday. and i attempted to let go bt instantly
broke down bc that's the only person in my life that actually attempts
to try to stay in it. and it helped me fall asleep knowing i wasn't
alone last night, it was alright thinking about spending time together
as friends after i get to vegas but im still unsure. everytime i talk to
him all the pain subsides bt then it all comes back and thinking of him
makes my heart ache. i let myself go through this over n over bc i begin
letting go then when he comes back i let him back in even tho i tell
myself im not. i can't heal frm what i feel. jst knowing he's in love
with someone else and not me makes me so angry, upset, full of so many
emotions and i can't do anything about it. im trying to convince myself
it'll get better w. time...like after i see him and i adapt to being
friends it'll get easier ...but idk how to jst be a friend, I've had
that problem for tha past 6 months since we broke up. longer than that.
damn. we haven't been together in 6 months..it doesn't even seem that
long. bc on & off whether were official or nt our relationship never
changed up until tha last 3 months or so. ughhhhhhhhhh . i fkn hate this
. i hate how our relationship ended up like this. i hate feeling like i
got gipped out of my own love. i hate feeling like he loves her more
than he did me. he doesn't agree but his actions jst speak so many
volumes tht he doesn't see...how do yu keep loving someone that broke
your heart? does that make me weak or desperate...smh. its upsetting. i
pump myself up like i dnt need him and i don't . i knw i dnt need him
but the comfort of his presence is immaculate. like its goin on two
years...and he's been makin me smile everyday since tha day i met him :(
i wish i could go back to being that girl i was when we met ..so full of
love and optimism. i got my heart hurt back to back and im more
heartbroken then ready to love. i still have the ability to love , im
jst scared to. i wish i knew how not to love so hard ...i guess ill work
on that. either way, idk where this relationship/friendship of ours is
headed . i guess ill leave him alone like i intended. his relationship
is more impt than our friendship to him so he can have that. i don't
wanna keep fighting over things i can't change or have no control over.
i jst wanna stop hurting. ill give this friendship a few weeks jst to
see if i can handle it, if the pain will fade ..but i know it wont..ill
jst end up suppressing it like i do everything else. i jst wanna be
happy again without my heartbreaking everytime i see someone in love or
hear the name james. i wanna get over it and move on like he did, cus im
the only one still trying to hold on to something nonexistant. i wanna
believe everything tht was once told to me . but those are jst fantasies
now bc they'll never come true. well i can't say never but i would nvr
get my hopes up on him ever picking my heart back up. i guess i lived
and i learned love & heartbreak the hardheaded way. better luck next
time .

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