I feel like I'm running to a destination I can't reach. I see it bt I never get there. I see the ground moving bt I don't feel my feet hitting the ground. I'm unstable. That's the word that comes to mind when I think of myself. Its like I have it all figured out bt I dnt really know anything at all. My emotions are constantly conflicting with my state of mind...I go thru so many emotions in a day its exhausting. I woke up tired, then got anxious, sad, mad, disappointed, careless,happy, liberated, excited, then down. I attempted to pull myself up bt it didn't work. I'm starting to think I have a chemical imbalance in my brain causing me to be so all over the place, possibly my depression.... I want so mny things...though most of them are unreachable. It doesn't stop me from trying to reach whts left. I don't want whts in front of me...some call tht ungrateful...I'm jst not about to settle for what I know I don't want. Like I miss having friends... bestfriends. I dnt feel like any are the same (old nd new)...I dnt believe their genuine anymore...tht makes me wanna cry. I miss getting along with someone so well tht everything is always nothing bt endless convo nd laughs. That's the way it used to be...

Ifeel like I lose all my bestf's..like I feel stupid when I call james my bestf now cus I dnt feel like our definition is the same.. We disagree on how I feel versus how he feels abt our friendship bt why agree to disagree? I'm nt satisfied with that bc I dnt feel understood. I kno Its diff now bc of course were trying to be platonic when we've always had feelings for each other. I feel insecure abt it..like I dnt really know how he really feels abt me as a person bc I only knew how he felt when he loved me. I cnt help bt feel like when him nd his new gf tlk abt his 'stalkers' and 'ppl tht complain abt him nt hittin thm up ' that they're referring to me...like wht if he was,hed nvr tell me..bt then its like why would he keep tlkn to me if he felt tht way? They're probably nt ...bt the fact tht I feel like I bug him more than he enjoys my company makes me feel like maybe he would joke abt me to her...I cnt think of anyone else he would mean :/ How do you discuss a friendship without making it awkward? He takes it as me saying he's nt a good friend anymore..bt thts nt what I'm saying...I jst feel distanced. And maybe it is normal bc I'm jst too accustomed to tlking all day everyday bc before we had feelings for eachh other and now we don't...I dnt expect to feel as relevant as a gf but at the same time I feel like a bestf should have some kind of relevance. He said 'your the only friend I tlk to everyday'...bt our convos are never satisfying,they dnt feel like bestf convos. Its like he disappears, forgets to respond...or jst doesn't. Then i feel annoying when im txting again like hellooo? Are u gonna respond? its jst like I can sit and I can see frm both sides wht he means nd also how I feel and I cnt expect him to meet my expectations bc its what it "used to be"...but I hate feeling like the trust isn't the same. I hate doubting what he says. I hate when he doesn't do what he says nd I sound like the annoying ex gf bc I'm disappointed abt it. I guess I'm jst upset the aura of our relationship is different now when I never wanted it to change. And I dnt mean the love or relationship part, I jst mean the enjoyment of how well we got along..its like a seesaw now. I hate tht I have to blog abt it bc it bothers me so much. I cnt tlk to him abt it without it turning completely around. Idk why I feel like he doesn't really wanna tlk to me since the feelins aren't there Anymore...I guess I kinna feel like since he doesn't have any interest in me anymore he's nt interested in wht I have to say now.. I guess the insecurity comes frm the disinterest. He said he doesn't believe I'm over him....bt mentally I am. I know I've conditioned myself to get over..gotta fake it til u make it. But I can say I know I'm nt in love with him anymore bc I can deal with a lot more sht than I used to...bt I can tell I'm still emotional bc a lot of sht still hurts my feelins... Bt thts jst me in general lately everything hurts my feelings. I'm always hurt, I've gotten to be the most sensitive I've ever been in my life. Probably bc I'm the most vulnerable I've ever been. I walk around together when I feel like a million pieces tht aren't fitting back together...how am I gonna find another bf when I cnt even find the part of myself I lost? I can't believe I lost so much of myself...better yet gave away..that was foolish. I miss receiving unconditional love bt never again do I think I can give it....my heart healed bt the scars will forever remind me of the pain.
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1 comment:

lovesarahlael said...

AMEN&ladies !
ifeel u on this one . im writin a blog bout it right now . & look out fa a shoutout . ihave a new blog http://love-sarahlael.blogspot.com/

keep ya head up girl . love ur blog .