I had a talk last nite with this boy I used to mess with, whose really in touch with God and his faith. I hate to admit tht it used to freak me out a little bit, nt bc I don't believe in God but bc it was jst odd to me. I realized we had a lot in common but I also realized I lost myself. I strayed away from God. And I'm not writing this post to start talkin abt how I found God and I'm a changed person bc I'm still growing, I know I still have a lot to work on. Bt I know I also need to put a lot more faith in God and let him stress for me. Ill drive myself crazy trying to change things ill never be able to change. I need to jst trust god had his best foot forward and putting me through these situations for a reason. I figure maybe that's why I'm still suffering, bc I never acknowledged that. That could have simply been my lesson frm day one...but I won't know until I start making some changes. I feel a lot better today. Liberated:) ....as far as my struggle with james....I think I haven't fully forgiven him. I mean I have but the fact I'm still holding on to shit from 10months ago...I haven't forgiven him the way I need to. I need to forgive him for myself bc I'm suffering not him. Maybe one day ill tell him I truely forgive him but right now I know I'm still not ready. I know my heart won't stop loving him...but I know ill be okay one day. Ill be able to love him and nt feel any pain. Jst memories from learning what love is about. Which isn't about being together, its about acceptance. Accepting the good and bad. The ups and downs, what it is and isn't. What it was and will never be....and loving that person regardless.
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