still pushing..

im constantly in this battle between whether i wanna keep putting my
emotions out publicly or jst keep them as thoughts.. bt I've come to
realize when i have no one..i have my blog. its my outlet bc if no ones
there..someones listening, evn if i jst think someone is. i think we all
want understanding..to be accepted..jst acknowledged. some people are
more judgemental than they need to be and make us ashamed of how we
feel...sometimes they dnt understand tht its nt as easy for us as it
would be for them to do something and then they wanna look at us like
"tht weak bitch" , " she's stupid", ect. ect. and a lot of times i call
myself stupid bc i acknowledge everything i say, everything I've done
and still do yet istill do it, still put up w. it. i guess i am
weak..I've tried walking away and i jst can't...or i can bt i jst dnt
want to yet. its like trying to take away one piece of me that if i took
it away would leave me in a million pieces. im nt ready to break again.
I've been broken before bt im nt ready until i have something to keep me
focused on putting me back together. blogging has helped me get to know
myself very well and im extremely sensitive..more than id like to admit.
im very blunt and straightfaced a lot as a defense mechanism to not get
hurt. yeaaaa i wanna find tht man who loves me and i love him and were
jst essentially happy w. each other..bt who doesn't? there's no calendar
set on when or if youll ever find it. you find love and yu lose it then
yu start to wonder what IF yu never find love again..wht if it never
gets better? i wonder tht everyday. it affects how i think. how i trust
ppl. my interest level.. being hurt in every relationship I've ever
pursued is devastating to me bt life goes on. i have a love-hate
relationship w. myself. its not the way it should be bt the way I've
come to accept it. i love myself bt nt the way i should bc a lot of
times i dnt really like myself. i doubt myself. i hold myself down. i
put others before me , i belittle myself, i don't support myself. and
that's not the way it should be. sometimes i see beautiful like other
people do...a lot of times i don't. i see the broken little chubby girl
I've always been. the one that's not as pretty as her or her. but thts
something i have to grow out of. i have to learn to love myself. i guess
i can't expect other people to love me unconditionally if i cnt even
love myself tht way. then i wonder why people fall out of love w.
me..who would wanna deal w. my insecurities tht i shouldn't even have.
everytime i take the time to rethink things through i understand more
and more of why things are the way they are....i think i am the reason
my relationships fail. my exes tell me im nt bt i think they jst dnt
know how to tell me i need to love myself bc they cnt be the only ones
tht love me...and to be honest it makes a lot of sense. all in all, im
gonna try to change that and put me first, love me first and see if
maybe things get better....i wanna say thank you to cherei for letting
me know your still listening bc i didn't really think anyone still
listens. keep your head up girl, things will get better.

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