farewell my lovee ,

[siqhh .]
thiss bloqq hass nothinqq to do withh everyonee elsee
&& everythinq to do withh my first REAL && last lovee .
thiss is to himm .
thesee are my final wordss .
i dont evenn know where to start .
ive literally been thinkinq for hourss && hourss .
about what im qonna say , && how im qonna say it .
so manyy thouqhtss && soo manyy memoriess .
i just dont understandd yuu . . .

it took four monthss for yuu to fall inn && out of lovee .
all the thinqss yuu told me .
all the thinqss i believedd .
all the thinqss i did .
all the thinqss yuu did .
so many memoriess .
&& now its just ,
over .

im not qonna tell yuu anythinqq yuu already know .
yuu know how i feel about yuu so theress no need to repeat myself .
i just never thouqht we would end for this reasonn .
i never thouqht yuu would feel , how yuu feel .
im not qonna talk shit about her ,
bcuss i dont know her . && maybee she doess somethinq i dont .
bt onee thinq i can promisee yuu tht she cant do ,
is lovee yuu likee i lovee yuu .
no onee cann .
myy lovee for yuu is likee ;
a mother && childd , qrandmother && qrandchildd :
never endinq .
every word , sentencee , thinq i ever toldd yuu i was alwayss
150% reall withh yuu .
id ridee for yuu && id diee for yuu .
&& i still wouldd ,
till the day i diee .

my biqqest problem ,
or well ,
hardest thinq for me to try and understand is whyy yuu lied to me soo
muchh durinq tht time yuu kneww yuu didnt wanna be with me anymoree .
we hadd tht conversationn , where i toldd yuu
i was scaredd cuss i had faith we'd make it , bt i was scared we wouldnt cuss of all my previous relationshipss didnt . i told yuu i jus wanted to be with yuu forever .
&& yuu listened ,
&& your response , "i wanna be wit you forever too."
knowinq that you didnt .
smh .
whyy do me like tht ?
im listeninq to you complete me [keyshia cole] .
&& you told me to listen to it .
i wishh i never did .
i remember everythinq yuu wrotee onn your paqee word for word .
beforee yuu deleted it .
i believedd everythinqq you ever told mee .
was i beinq naivee to trust the only person i love ?
how do yuu lovee someonee "moree thann anythinq" ,
bt walk away ?

yuu kneww yuu were the most important thinqq inn my lifee .
&& your selfishh wayss jus said , fuck me && how i felt .
or maybee yuu just dont really care=/
i wishh i kneww what i did wronq .
i wishh you wouldve told mee when thinqss started chanqinq so
i couldve tryedd to save myself .
bt maybee it was inevitablee .

&& as biqq as a crybby as i am
lol .
i havent really cryedd til i started typinq this .
i havee so muchh to try to express && i wishh you would understand .
bt no sonq could explain it .
no person .
not evenn the wordss im typinq can explainn or express how i feel .
i just wishh i could show youu .

all i ever wanted to do was lovee you .
&& i do .
bt you dont want my lovee anymoree.
&& i thought you would never stop wantinq it .
&& i quess im jus foolishh for believinq nothinq could ever qo wronq .

im not qonna beq for yuu to comee back .
im not qonna wishh you lovedd me moree .
cus what yuu dont want someonee elsee will right ?

i went out last nitee ,
&& yuu know i forgot what it was likee to havee niqquhs in my facee tryna get what they
couldnt havee .
bt really ,
they could havee it .
&& i met this really nicee quy .
he madee me smilee && everythinq .
bt in every silencee of our conversationn .
i couldnt help bt think of yuu =/
&& thts how i kneww it wasnt time for me to movee onn just yet .

yet .
im not qonna up && find a new niqquh ,
cus to be honest im still in lovee withh yuu .
bt ,
i just needed to get this off my chest so i can close this chapter && walk away .
knowinq i gavee yuu all tht i couldd .
so as muchh as i wanna hatee yuu for all the timess youu hurt me && madee me cryy .
i dont .
youu qavee me a lifee lessonn .
you taught me how to lovee without limitss .
i dont think i could ever lovee anyone as much as i love yuu zahkeem .
bt when yuu lovee somethinq , sometimess yuu qotta let it qo .

&& i dont want ANYBODY to think yuu werent a qood personn .
cuss yuu were the most beautiful person i ever met .
on so many levelss .
bt shit happenss i quess .
i wishh yuu the best bby .
alwayss && forever .
i lovee youu .

[p$] whenn yuu have kidss . if yuu name any of them any of our namess
ima personally come and beat yo ass , lol . jus playinn bby . havee a nicee lifee thoo :-*


x mass [k] !

mann ,
todayy was some bullshit .
i swear .
likee my dayy really endedd on a sour ass notee .
this morninq was all finee and dandyy :]
happy , funn , ect .
thenn theree was a pivotinq turnn when i decidedd i dint wanna qo to ma auntie housee no moree
i wanted to stay home and cupcakee with ddy .
bt noooooooo .
my mom was at the door like "qotdammit anqelica ! cmon now ! "
likee fuck .
man .
thenn my bby was mad cus i was leavinn him .
so then i hadda fucked up attitudee the whole time we was at ma auntie house .
cus i wanted to be at home ,
i get back homee ,
likee , mannnn ,
i apoloqizedd , everythinqq !
&& he was not havinn it
gavee me the straight silent treatment
&& i HATEE beinq iqnoredd
&& i HATEE whenn hes mad at me
especially when its somn i did .
all i wantedd to do was talk to himm && laughh &&
be the lovee sprunq person i usually am
bt insteadd i was sad, && frustratedd && plainn jus
sad !
likee i really must have hurt hiss feelins for him to be tht mad at me =/
i know he wont be mad forever bt likee
it totally ruinedd my xmass nitee .
now i qotta see what happenss todayy .
im hopinn for the bess ....


mirror , mirror onn the wall .

mann .
i havee the worst insecuritiess about my body =/
&& i meann thts reqular , lotss of girlss do .
bt likee i had started to forqet && accept my bodyy for how it iss .
thenn i was havin a convo wit ma bf lass nitee about takinn a shower toqetherr && all my insecuritiess came back =[

&&i meann itss not likee im obesee or anythinq
bt im no where near skinny .
my ass is likee thickaa than a snickaa.
lol .
&& i qot thick traitss. .
cellulitee , stretch markss
all tht shit ppll havee bt dont wanna talk about .
lol .
bt likee .
im jus fuckinn stressinn now .
bt not becausee im mad .
bt becuss im sadd .
&& nervouss .
lol .
sadd cuss i wanna takee the shower withh himm bt i know my insecuritiess make tht impossiblee.
nervouss cuss i dont know how lonqq its qonna takee me to get over it .
i meann .
we plann on havinn kidss so hes qonna see all of me eventually anywaysss .
bt likee .
shit .
im worried about if he doesnt likee what he sees .
&& i know most ppl would be likee "ohh if he lovess yuu , hes gonna love your bodyy blah blah"
thts bullshit .
ppl cheat because of tht reason .
everyones not gonna like everythinq .
even if they do lovee yuu .
bt they miqht deal with it , bcuss they do .

soo noww im like on thiss "qotta qet ma fatass in shape" mood .
im cuttin all my xtraa mealss out . no sodaa . no suqary shit .
&& moree exercisee .
&& im really pissed of cuss i gotta bad knee cuss i qot hit by a car in the 12th qradee
so now i cant run n shit .
&& all my exercisee used to be dancinn ,
thts all i used to do .
bt i fucked my knee up again lass august && ever since i started walkin normal again
im scared to do anythinq tht might fuck tht shit up .
lol .
whichh is makin it about 6726484 timess as hard to get some cardioo inn .
im likee muthafuck !
lol .

im a find a way tho .
cuss i know id be wayy happier if i lost like 10-15 lbs juss on the fact i lovee clothess && theyll look better .
&& pluss i needa find a qood plann fer when i qet preqo . =/
shit . id rather be smaller && qet preqo otherwisee when i do .
ima be biq as a housee .
lmao .
all bad .

i qot all off topic .
lol .
bt yeaa is there anybody else out there tht had self imaqee probss bt over came them ?
especially wit likee they siqnificant other ?
or likee any dudess advicee on what they think about womens bodyys =]
all commentationn is appreciated =]

. . . .

[siqhh .]
sooo i was kind off tryinq to avoidd writinq a bloqq juss bcuss im boredd .
lol .
bt shit .
i dont have anythinq better to do ,
withh all this liquor inn ma housee im thinkin bout drinkinn jus to pass timee .
shit .
lol .
well ,
itss xmass evee .
>> m errr y x masss yall =] <<<

so i went wit ma mama && stepdadd earlier to qo buy some final qiftss ,
&& it wasnt as badd as i thouqhtt .
bt fc k
lol .
i was qettinn irritated as hell ,
i cant stand crowdss ,
likee the kindd wheree every where yuu turnn && try to walk itss a fuckin personn or object in the wayy .
tht shit erkss me .
whichh is whyy i never clubb .
lol .
so ,
yuu knoww i had to get some shit out the deal =]
lol .
nuthinn special .
i be feelin unqrateful sometimess ,
likee i appreciatee everythinq && anythinq someone does for me ,
bt after i qet the shit i want ,
i be like ,
shit i didnt get nuthinn i really wanted .
lol .
bt likee i quess thts my fault kindaa .
id k.
who caress .

so tomorroww is xmass && all im lookinn forwardd to doin is eatinn .
bt im on a diet =/
so not even tht soundss funn .
lol .
shit .
fridayy i qot biq planss =]
excitedd about tht .
ill tell yall about it onn friday tho .
lol .
let the anticipation buildd .



lol .
i need helpp .
soo im likee the worst qift qiver cuss if i dont know what yuu want exactly ;
my mind qoess blank whenn i hear the woord "present" .
lol .
so im trynaa fiquree out what i wanna buy my bf fer xmass .
[yeaa i knoww im on the latee show bt who caress]
bt im like drawinq blankss .
what do yuu buy fer someone tht could buy anythinq they want ?
&& hass damn near everythinq they need ?
lol .
i want it to be likee somethinq appreciativee ,
not one of thosee qifts yuu qet where yuu likee ,

[raised eyebrows]
"wow ! thankss ! i really wanted one of thesee !"
[thinkinq to self : wtf am supposed to do with this ?]

lmao .
whats a qd qift fer a quy ?
any suqqestionss ????


yuu LiVEE && yuu LEARNN .

soo ,
lifee is all about qrowinqq ritee ?
livinnqq , learninqq , ect .
&& i meann likee
everyonee knowss thiss bt ppl constantlyy complainn about lifee ,
likee itss supposedd to be deliveredd on a silver platter .
im not qonna complainn cuss in all honestyy
i complainn alot , bt i knoww tht itss my fault whyy my lifee is the way it iss
to actually be ablee to acknowledqee tht you aree the controller of yer ownn destinyy
is empowerinqq .
im just onn "idlee" modee ritee noww .
i knoww exactlyy what i need to do to achievee my completee happiness ,
i just havent done it yet .
thenn theress personal issuess , evryonee hass em .
itss humann naturee .
whether itss family related , love related , friend related , work relatedd.
theres alwayss qonna be some type of conflict .
nothinqss perfect .
itss all about how yuu qo about dealinq with it .
i thinkk ppl qivee upp too easilyy .
yer qonna try and fail && try and fail beforee yuu qet wheree yuu wanna be .
all qood thinqqs come with time rite??

well thtss what they sayy at least .
i can say as far as my lovee lifee tht was truee .
im the extremelyyyy lovinq typee && all ive ever wanted to do is just qivee all my love to someonee ,
bt it jus never worked out mutually .
ive had major crushess sincee likee the 7th gradee .
&& i didnt find mutual lovee til i was 20 .
its beautiful .
itss likee all thosee lovey dovey ass moviess yuu've seen beforee ,
yuu can relate to .
its likee everytime i watchin a moviee and they start cryin over lovee ,
it touchess me cus i know how they feel && i can put myself in the situationn .
lol .
its crazyy .

i meann i knoww i usedd to sit and wonder likee ,
how can ppl lovee me ? why would they lovee me ?
likee do they really lovee mee ?
lol .
its just mindblowinqq when i actually sit && REALIZE
how muchh i lovee my bf && how muchh he lovess me BACK.
imm so blessedd :]
cuss ive seen many ppl in diff relationshipss where they were in lovee
bt i rarely see a couplee thats as happy as uss .
ever sincee ive met himm ive literally secluded myself from
lifee cus i feel completee like ive found everythinq .

i dont really drink anymore ,
i dont smoke ,
i dont qo out ,
i dont post up ,
i stay in the housee .
everyone thinkss its because of him ,
likee hes tellin me not to do anythinqq .
bt hes not . he doesnt care if i qo out .
bt i jus dont feel the need for all tht shit anymoree .
im 20 years old i been drinkin and smokin since i was 12 .
i been partyinn sincee i was 13 .
i meann ,
wtf am i really missin ?
ppl qo out to meet neww ppl && have funn .
ive met all the ppl i need in my lifee && i havee my own funn .
i literally have like only 5 ppl i talk to on a daily basis .
&& im fine withh it .
ppl can talk all the shit they want about me .
&& i could really care less .
i dont feel like im missinq anythinq i havent seen beforeee .
im content .
thatss all tht matterss ritee ?

im livinn my lifee , i suqqest everyonee doess tht .
livee your lifee .
stopp concerninq yourself with everyone elseess && what they doinn .
what doess the next mtfckaa have to do withh yuu ?????
exactly .
im livinn , im learninn , im lovinnn :]
aree yuuu ?????


twoo centss acceptedd ;]

soo ,
thiss past weekendd somee drama fell in my lapp ,
&& i didnt even havee anythinq to do withh it but i did .
thiss endedd in the loss of my so called bessfrinnn , so lemme tell yall what happened ,
&& yall can tell me what yall thinkk . mm k :]

soo ,
likee i saidd previouslyy , my cpu been brokee sincee fridayy , so i hadnt really been talkin to my bbyddy .
soo on sundayy, he aimedd one of my cuzinnss && askedd her where i wass .
shee saidd , idk , whyy dont yuu call her .
&& hee repliedd - yuu qood 4 nuthinn .

[sidenotee ; lol. my bf alwayss playin around talkn shit . so he was playin when he said thiss , bt my cuzin qotta bad attitude && is alwayss on the defense. ]

so ,
in her response , she start cussin him out && he cuss her out back .
they end up callin each other bxtchhess , yadda yadda yadda .
soooo ,
shee callss me likee ,
"i dont like your bf ."
&&im likee why , what happenedd .?
so shee tells me , && im like woooww .
yall bothh qot bad attitudess .
bt i saidd okay && qot off the phone with her .
so later tht nitee when i was talkin to him ,
i askedd him about it .
&&hee told me the same storyy ,
so i toldd him likee welll ,
yall bothh got bad attitudess ,
it was cool that yuu wrotee her bt yuu shouldnt havee aimedd her.
basically .
it was a qood intention qone wronq .

soo , heress where all the drama comess inn --

mondayy comess . im talkin to ma bf on aim .
&&all of a sudden hess like im not in the mood , tell yo bessfriend im not playin wit him .
&& im like wtf ? what yuu mean ?
he like , this niqquh jus aimedd me talkinn shit .
&&im completely baffled . && pissed , likee wtf ?!
i havent talked to this niqquh in like 3-4 dayss !
why the fck he talkin shit to my bf ?
yuu feel me ?
soo ,
i called him , he didnt answer .
i wrote him told me to call me asap , he didnt call .
so im juss pissed likee fuck it .
he called my bf out fer the fadee && my bf wanna beat hiss ass , && i stopped carin cus my bessfriend wasnt tryna talk to me .
so finally my other cuzin talk to my bessfriend && she like ohh , wht happenedd with yuu && jellie bf ?
thiss niqquh qon say ,
he qot into wit yo sister, && i had to check him.

[sidenote -- my two cuzins are sisters:]]

so this where i qet pissed the fck off .
im like check him?????????
wtf yuu mean check himm !
that was MY cuzin && MY boyfriend .
i think i could handle the situation my fuckin self .
so , i finally talk to him after everybody kept sayin call jellie, call jellie .
it took him 3 dayss to call me , so i could hear his side of the story
&& by tht time i didnt gave a fck what he had to say .
i feel like what he did was foul && disrespectful.
how ima be mad at my bf for cussin my bessfrienn out , if my bessfriend didnt even have a real reason to aim him ???
that wasnt his place to be tryna check anybody !
i dont like his bbymma but i would never try to check her or talk shit to her outta the respect i have for him . && if i wanted to , i damn sure would tell him first !
my bessfriend didnt say shit to me about anythinq , he jus wrote him on his own.
my bf told me he wrote him .
so if my bf never told me .
i never wouldve even knew !
likee .
im like wtf !?
im supposed to be yo bestie but yuu not even considerin how ima feel.
puttin me lwky in the middle of this shit .
and thenn whenn i told him how i felt about the situationn ,
he didnt even say shit back .
not a "ohh im sorry" "ma badd" "yeaa , yuu ritee , it wasnt my place"
none of tht shit .
just no response .
so fuck it . && fuck himm too .
if he was my friend he shoulda known better .
&& everybdy got me fucked upp if they think ima pick his side over my bf .
cuz im not .
period .
he was in the wronq.
he shoulda never wrote him .
he aint tryna hear what i qotta say .
so whatever .
im stickin by my man .
ma mama alwayss told me -"never pick another niqquh over yo man."
&& thatss what im doinn .
why would i choose friendship over love ?
im not losin the love of my lifee && all my happiness over so dumb shit my bessfriend started upp,
cus my bf && cuzin got into a dumbass altercation over a misunderstandinq !
this is ludacrous . immaturee , && jus stupid .
fuck all the drama .
ima let em fight .
&& i hopee my "bessfriend" learnss hiss lesson .
so far he lost a friendd && my respect .
am i wronq ? or what ?

lol .

onee week recapp .

soooo .
my cpu was brokee fer a fcknn week .
so yuu knowwwww ,
i qot hellaaa shit to updatee yall onn .
lol .

soo ,
first off i was miserablee ,
cus if yuu knoww mee , yuu knoww the cpu is my bessfriendd ,
lol .
so one wholeeeee week withh no cpu was likee a knife to the heart .
i swear , i cryedd frm lonliness .
hahhaha .
i dont talk on the phonee like i used too so no cpu meant no aim && no myspace .
smh .
lol .
but most importantlyy , no 5 hour conversationss with ma bbyddy :[
i was depressedd . lol .

i got somn i need yall opinion onn but ima bloq about tht separate cus its qonna be lonqq && i want yall feedback :]
soooo , itss qood to be back :]


a d d i c t e d d . . ..

so ,
ummmm .
im lwkyy thinkinq im qettinq addicted to bloqqinq .
&& not becausee i really have shit to say .
but becausee i dont have anyone to really talk to .
sooo ,
i talk , cuss yall listennn =]
thanks to the oness who do readd my bloq !
yall tiqqhtt :]
so anywayssss ,
i dont even have shit to bloq about
lmao .
yuu know what i hate ?

drunk ppl tht buq .
thosee are the most annoyinq ppl in the worllddddd .
they talk to yuu about dumb shit ,
they buq yuu ,
they jus dont shut the fuck upp or stay out yo face .
i be like WTF?!
i swearrrr .

------>next subject .

whenn i started typinn this bloq i swear i had somn to sayy .
now im blank .
ummm .

to be continuedd .
lol .


boredomm killzz.

smh .
mann .
i do not BELEEEEVE how damnn boredd i amm .
im likee ,
actually tired .
lol .
i think itss cuss i dont have anyone to talk to .
wheree thee fck iss everybodyyyy>:O

shit .
im likee listenin to music && shit ,
myspacee is soo wack .
them niqquhss be talkin bout the same shit .
blah blah blah .
i be like yeaaaaaaaa.
[end of conversation]
lol .
ferreal .
i wishh i had l ' s .
i wouldnt even be hereee !
man , im fckn 20 wit no license .
what kinda bullshit is tht ?
lol . i cant drive fer shit tho .
im one of those nervous drivers .
lol .
i be tryna play it cool .
bt i be likee ohh shit .
lol .
but thts only cuss ima fass driver . my minumum is 40mph .
lol .
i hate drivin slower than tht it feels like slow motion .
shit .
my mama be like sloww the fck down fat foot !
lol .
ohh well , ima havee hella ticketss when i qet my l's =/
sooooooooo yeaaaaaaaaaaaaaa ,
im jus talkin cuss im bboreeddddd .

we ' re supposed to be movinn in jan when the lease is upp .
shit .
i hatee these fcknn aptss all my homiess den movedd out .
&& someone i know jus movedd inn but idc about tht niqquh .
im juss like uqhh .
cann we move already ?!
im postponin all the shit i need to do til we movee .
like find anothr jooob .
whichh i needd the MOST .
bt whatss the point of findin one out here if we bout to move away ?
i dont feel like doin all tht shit .
bt i wanna jobbbbbb !
im qoin fuckin crzy wit out one !
i have waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay to muchh time on my hands !
like .
wow .
i wanna qo back to school in the summer=]
i miss school !
i love learninq .
as soon as i qet my jobb toqether , school is next on the list .
im excited .
hopefully everythinq qoess qood .
if it turnss out like this moval lifee im livinn,
ima qo shoot myself .
itss sooo uqhh outheree .
i hateeeeeee it .
smh .
hate aint even the right word !
lol .
homee of the unemployedd .
thts what i call it .
i needa bee in the fass laness of a biqq cittyy withh biqq cityy liqhtss=]
i miss qoinn out shit .
i usedd to be out every damn weekendd .
now i juss sit in the housee && be borinq .

i kindaa miss the partyy lifee .
bt now i qotta fckedd up hip && knee .
so i cant dancee like i want . so i bee qettin pissed off cuss i cant .
i be like all yuu dancin mthafckass aint tight !
[hatinn lwky]
lmao .
i aint trippinn , i post upp && look bomb =]

but yeaaa .
idk .
i quess im done .
lol .
i couldd talk forever .

soo wtf ?

sooo , everyonee whoo hass the internet prolly hass seen thiss videoo . i pstedd it like lass monthh but i was watchinn tyra bankss lass nitee && thiss bxtchh was onn it ! yuu knoww thiss bxtchh is 15 ! likeeee ,

W T F ! lmao .

she look like 35 . ppl needa stop lettin they kidss qet so damnn biqq ! && im not even tryna be funny ! like thatss sad ! shiit . bt anywayss . watch it againn =D


[p . $ ]


we back toqether .
so yuu knoww im happy :]

woot woot .

thankss to all the ppl tht qavee me support in ma situationn =]
yall the bess !

k byeee !


so , i quess thiss is qoodbyee . i never really kneww yuu tht well sincee yuu livedd so far awayy , i only met yuu twicee . i only talked to yuu every blue moon . i feel kinda badd we never really qot to know each other . cus maybe we couldve been closer . i always felt like i knew grandpa better . he always was the one to send me money , && when i came out there he was the one tht took me out . but i cant hold tht against you . i wont . i still love youu . your in a better place now :] i wishh i wass theree . i hopee yer happy tht yuu and qpaa are finally toqetherr again =]
iLyuu quyss .

[p$] i lovee yuu qranny && papa alsoo . i miss yuu quyss too . especially yuu qranny . i think about yuu oftenn . mom misses yuu . evertime she talkss about yuu she cryss . i try to keep my tears back , but i cry inside . i wishh i couldve talked to yuu before yuu diedd . imy . && iLy .
see yuu soon :-*

aw , fck it .

whyy do ppl insist onn trynaa be funny whenn im in a fckedd up mood ?
is it not obviouss all over my facee , i dont wanna be botheredd?
im miserable . && everyoness happy .
i was all qood earlier . then he hit my soft spot . then he hit the juqular .
im numb at the moment . whichh is qood - for now .
i have so many emotionss qoinq throuqh me i dont know whether im mad , sad , happy , amused, pissed, suprized , shit .
for the most part im sick .
cant eat , cant sleep .
smh .
yeaaa , tht episodee .
how did i fall so deep ?
uqhhhhh .
i was so happy to be so deep .
how did thiss qo so wronq .
i probably wouldnt even be trippin thiss hard if i actually KNEW what happened .
that ceased the relationship .
im playinq it cool .
tryinq =] .
yuu qotta qimme somee credit .
all my mtfuckinn friendss are mia so theree NOT makinq the situation ANY better . cuz i have no one to talk to , to keep my mind off it .
im juss likee uqhhh .
whyy dont ppl ever appreciate what they have ? they always want somethinq different . theres not one , not two , bt THREE other niqquhss that say they love me .
but nopee .
i dont love them ,
him .
&& right now he isnt lovinq me back .
thiss is horrible .
my homiee was lauqhinq at me earlier .
bt i really dont find anythinq funny .
im readyy to pop the fuck off && kill somebodyy .
iff yuu placedd me besidee a bridgee in my mindstatee,
i miqht juss "accidently" fall the fck off .
im so juss mannn .
whtss tht sayinnn ? theress nothinq worsee thenn a woman scornedd ?
some shit .
lol .
aint tht the truthh .
i wouldnt advise qivinq me keys to the car , a bottle of drank && a qunn .
whooo knowwwwwwss what could happen .
lol .
i have no time for tht tho .
im takinq this as a learninq lesson .
one i dont fuckin want .
but i qot .
im dealinq .
im qrowinq .

i just dont understand whyy hess treatinq me like shit .
so cruel . when yuu love someone yuu just dont treat them badd dammit .
i could never treat himm how he's treatinq me .
but i quess thats jus another justification to howw i alwayss said i lovedd himm moree than he loveed mee .
i couldd never quite explain how muchh tht is . how do yuu explainn a feelinq so stronq ?
how do yuu explain selflessness && awe ?
now , im sittin heree lookinq dumb .
&& the next bxtchh is happy cuss im no lonqer theree .

i dont wanna cryy , bt im so damn madd ,
i cant really keep the tearss back .
i just wanna screamm , do somethinq stupidd .
but im not .
im just qonna breathee .
cuss tomorrowss a new dayy .
&&theress alwayss a neww wayy .
im done .


ventinq .

[siqh] .
at the moment thiss iss very necessary .
im assuminq imma be doinnq ALOT of bloqqinq ...
i havee so muchh to qet off my headd , && no other way too express itt ,
idgaf if yall read it or not .
juss qettinq it out helpss .

so, i was finee last nite . i didnt cry .
i was qood =]
i knew it wouldnt last .
my eyess openedd thiss morninq ,
&& i saidd FCK !
i didnt wanna wake upp .
i didnt wanna face reality .
i didnt wanna think about my situation .
my life .
my pain .
i cry alonee , cuz i hate whenn people see me cry .
i feel weak .
im tryna qet ahold of myself ....
why am i cryinq so hard ?
whyy am i so hurt ?

i feel like a fckinq fool .
i put everythinq out on the tablee , to qet straiqht upp robbed .
whyy the fck did i do tht ?
wtf was i thinkinq ?
i hatee this part of lovee .
the heartbreak .
therees the happiness && the heartbreak .
happiness aree the qood timess , the natural hiqh yer onn beinq with tht personn ,
smilinq for no reasonn . just happy becuss ....
then theress heartbreak , the pain , the confusion , the manipulation , the part yuu were always blind to , tht finally comess to liqht .

itss a constant struqqle in every relationship between the two .
alwayss .
i woke up with reqret , becausee i wishhed i wouldnt have tripped so hard last nitee .
but i cant control how i feel . i have too much emotionn . i hateeeee tht .
i remember whenn he told me i had the biqqest heart ; i told himm yeaa , thats why it alwayss qets hurt , completely oblivious to the fact he would practically snatchh it out my chest a couple days later .

i dont know how i qot so comfortable in my relationship . it was like a marriaqe , its been perfect lately - almost perfect . i felt like nothinq could tear us apart cuz we were so stronq , he loveed me sooo muchh && i loveed himm so much moree . so howw do yuu fuck tht off ?
smhh .
it can bee snatchedd awayy in the blink of and eyee . without reason , but simply because it can happenn .

im havinqq the biqqest internal battle with myself && my heart .
like , shouldd i qivee himm another chancee bcuss i lovee himm ,
or shouldd i say fuck thiss , cuz i dont deserve to be treated like this ?
ive never had a relationship like thiss , && evenn tho it isnt perfect .
its more than special . do i choose to let qo becausee he 's takinq it for qrantedd ?

mannn .
thiss is sooo fuckedd upp .
im juss , fuckedd up .
&& nobody caress .
nobodyy knowss what i qo throuqh on a daily basiss .
i feel like runninq awayy && never cominq back .
sometimess i feel likee i ' d be better of dead .
this was my last piece of happiness .
now im dead insidee .
yeaa , im livinq .
but , love , friends , family .
all tht shit is non existent to me .
im practically a qhost .


ohkayy . i had to takee a moment .
[deep breathinq ]
i want soo much pain til i jus become numb .
im startinq to hate evrythinq .
&& i dont wanna feel like thiisss .
i wanna smile && be happy .
&& be lovedd .
&& i havee none of that .
i never havee .
no wait , i take tht back .
i had that temporarily ,
he qivess me that .
but , i quess i have to learn to livee without his lovee.

runninn my MiND =]

i havee nothinqq better to do at the moment but runn my mouthh && bloqq .
considerinqq my mindd is runninq a billion thouqhtss a secondd .
&& i qot my beyoncee slappinn -- soo empowerinq :)

so i qot some quick questionss ......

how comee , riqht whenn youve convincedd yerself ; yu 've found that special someone thats "different" thann the rest ; they do somn to provee they aint ?

whyy do ppl lie ? whyy do ppl cheat ? why are ppl never satisfied ? why doess someone new makee yuu wanna leavee someone yuu already havee ?

whyy dont ppl enjoy commitment ? why do ppl plan futuress toqetherr if they dont plann on pursuinq them ? why do ppl say thinqs they dont mean ?

why do quyss always feel the need to lie to makee yuu lovee them more? whyy do they sell yuu dreamss ? whyy do they want yuu to be there forever then tell yuu your too much ?

how aree yuu too muchh bt not enouqh ? how come ppl tht have damn near perfect relationshipss ; never last . bt ppl tht arque everydayy && havee 7287482 issuess , lasst for yearss ?

whyy do ppl fall inn lovee , whenn it isnt quaranteed in return ? whyy do ppl alwayss feel like payback is the best optionn to hurt the person they love ?

so im thinkinqq , karmaa is ma bxtchh . i alwayss keep her in mind . but im puttinq her into this predicament , &&im wonderinq if i ever did anythinq to deserve thiss ? &&&&&&&&& ive come to the conclusionn that.......

i never took advantaqe of anyoness feelinqss , i did hurt someone - cuz i didnt wanna be with them anymoree . but that was a abusive relationship , && i left him for the love of my life ,
so im assuminqq that was the better choice, correct ?

correct ! so i dont think this is a repercussion of her work .
qodds fate i quess ??? =/
uqhhhh ! he be throwinn the craziest shxt at yuu i swear . likee ,
how yuu qon qivee me somethinn tht makess me soo happy , thenn take it away ?
testinqq my strenth i quesss . maybee im relyinq too muchh on hiss happiness ?
he holdss me toqether for the most part . i have very little friendss . && most of em are all maless .
cuz i dont wnna here a femaless point of vieww , theyy juss qon say some shit tht pisses me off ,
likee weelllll "do yuu think hess cheatinq ?" like hmmm letss seeee , sure i think he is !

smh . the fuck .
not sayinq all quyss have the best advicee cuz they either [a] havee a honest opinion , [b] havee a jealouss opinionn , or [c] have a plain WRONG opinionn .
i'd ratherr heree a quyss point of vieww . plain && simplee .
i had a homiee i used to alwayss talk too , but he started to likee me so i had to cut tht shit off .
i qotta another friend tht has the straight up niqquh thinq to say- "ohh lifee qoess on , tht aint the only niqquh left" , thenn i qotta homiee who i absolutely adoree becuss he alwyss keeps it 100 ; he's likee mee =] thts mah niqquh . fo reall . && hess m.i.a so i have no one to talk to .

im sad . i havee no output . whichhh is whyyy im juss typinq it all out .
im not qonna sit here && act like im all qravyy . when i aint .
lol .
im not as sad as i was earlier . bt fuuuck . thiss is juss unexpectedd .
wtf am i supposedd to do to clear my head ?
i dont wanna meet any new niqquhs cuz im still in lovee .
i could talk to someone tht likess me tht ive knownn && knowss about my bf ,
but nope .
thts jus qonna be sex . && i dont want tht .
am i supposedd to juss be like sadd or somn ?
i dont wanna be bitter .
im too sweet .

real shit .
i miss uss .
&&im tiredd or prayinqq to qod about certain shit [ily qod ]
bt yuu aint answerin my prayerss !
i prayedd for somn so badd lass nitee - && i qot the complete oppositee .

i never been in a predicament wheree it was so hardd to do somethinq .
i' ve been called naivee , && thiss is like damn , maybe i amm .
cuz i keep believinqq everythinq he sayss cuz i trust himm && it all falls downn .

i qot in my depressed state about lifee && the niqquh calledd me pyscho !
lmao !
i was likee bby ! im not crzy ! wtf .
i was jus sadd .
lol .
it really wasnt funny .
bt now it iss .
bt it isnt really .

all i havee are memoriess .
&& itss likee . itss not the end for us , so he saysss .
but to me , it feels like it iss .
i wonderr ...............

lmao .

wtf i look like a mtfknn JOKE ?!
thiss niqquh said , i need a break .
smhh .
a B R E A K ?
wtf is tht ?
a mtfcknn excusee for wantinn to be sinqlee real quickk && fck some bxtchhess then come back whenn yuu readyy !
i wasnt born yesterday .
lmao .
if onlyy he knew .
how many niqquhss are on my mthfuckinn bumper !
wantinq what he hass .
damn .
would i be wronq if i took advantaqe of tht ?
yeaa i would .
bt would he , of couse he wouldnt !
cuz thtss a bxtchh ass double standard .
qot me fckedd upp .

he took me to hell and back tonitee .
to say , i wanna a break , yer qettinq on my nervess .
thats funny ,
hilariouss .
i alwayss wonderedd if i qavee him too much attentionn ,
but how am i supposedd to know if he never said anythinq?
i wondered if pourinq my heart out to himm && tellinq him how i truly felt was a mistake .
in some wayss it wass .
never do tht ladiess !
i did what i alwayyss tell ma homeqirlss not to do .
let him take advantaqe of your heart , cuz he knowss youll alwayss be theree .

i feel so disrespectedd . i swear .
that dont even matter tho i quess .
im alivee .
im sinqlee .
the questionn iss , should i take advantaqee of tht ?
or should i do what i normally wouldd && bee the faithful foolish qf ,
that alwayss does the right thinq ?

who knowss .
heartbrokee for the 47637489394 timee in lifee .
but thiss was like my first real one .
he;s my first true love .
&& i want him back .
the person i was talkin to tonitee ; wasnt himm .

i miss him alreadyyy .
ima mess .


pt two .

i saidd i ' d tell yall waht happenedd .
basically -- nothinq .
i never qot what i was waitinq for .
i went back to sleep .
didnt qet any bcuss my crybby ass lil cuzinn was screaminn && hollerinn for over 30minss about some fuckin sodaa . thenn my cuzinns came over && qot dressedd .
me , i juss turnedd over && tryedd my hardesst to qo to sleep .
i had the most fuckedd up attitudee i ' ve had in the lonqestt .
i wantedd to sleep the dayy awayy to be honestt .
i madee it to about 6 pm . thenn tht wass it ,
i wishh i wouldve stayedd sleep .

i wokee upp to heartbreakk && confusionn .
im sinqlee i quess . idk why .
thtss somethinqq my bbyddy would have to tell you .
i dont know what to do with myself right noww , im too throuqhh .
all i can do iss just cryy .
im like lost .
i dont have anyonee to talk to about it . && he doesnt even wanna talk to me right now .
im juss likee --
what happenedd? what did i do wronq ?
im sooooo lost .
i feel so dumbb && naivee for puttin all my feelinss into it ,
bt at the same time i dont , cuz thtss how i feel .
ppl break upp && makee upp all the timee .
bt each timee we break upp itss scarier for me , bcuss i dont know if we'll qet back toqether .
the moree i lovee himm , the harder it iss for me to let himm qo . && the easier it iss for mee to tell myself , maybe itss not meant to bee . . .
bt i know that it isss . i KNOW . i feel it in my heart .
i juss dont know what happenedd .
i lovee himm . withh all my heart . i lovee him moree than mee .
moree than anybodyy could ever understandd . i couldd deal withh the seperationn ,
bt i cant deal withh losinq himm . lifee with out himm ain 't shit .
&& yeaa yeaa , i heard it all beforee , about how lifee qoess on && yuu movee onn . . .
&& yeaa i knoww tht , but im not readyyy . itss not timee for me to let qo .
i jus qotta see what qod throwss my wayyy .

pt onee .

im waitinq ,
damnn - dont yuu HATE waitinqq ?
smhh .
theree used to be a timee wheree i was really patient ; not anymoree .
i havee to literally find somethinq for me to do to pass timee .
i dispiseee waitinq . lol , im one of thosee ppl tht be in line talkinn bout -
"mann ! if yall dont hurry da fck upp >:O"
lmao .

[shakinn head .]
sadd , bt truee .
im waitinq ritee noww .
itss 10.11 ay-em .
i went to sleep at about 5 .
&& im tiredd as FCK , bt im waitinq for someone to contact me about
what im trynaa do todayy .
sooooooo , i wait .
now see , ima qrouchyy bxtchh ritee now .
cuz my sleep is beinq interruptedd .
&&if i dont qet what i expect , whenn i want it .
allllll HELLS bout to break loose - later .
after i catchh upp on some zzzz 's .
lol .

for the most part , itss 10am on a sunday morninq ,
im sleepy , tired , irritated , i miss my bbyddy , && i need to bee sexed>:O .
thatss only the icinq on the cake tho .
so im jus qivinn yall a taster , lol .

so , im suree yall have cauqht onn by now tht im really jus typinn to pass timeee .
talkinn to the homie jamess , && tryna stay awakee . i took a shower && all tht did was relax extra muscless tht DONT needa be relaxedd . lol .

maybe i should turnn on some music ? yeaaa . soundss qood .
lol . ohhhkay , qot some music playinn , im enqaqedd in a conversationn
&&im ready to click "shut down" && say fck thss shit ! lol .
i swear i miss my phonee . uqhhhh , i fckin hatee the cpu .
well , i hatee sittin here starinq at this biq ass screen .
im startinn to qet computer eyess . lol . dark circless n shit .
yuck !
lol .
i needa another phone asap .
thiss aint cuttin it .

bt whateverrrr .
uqhh ,
im qettin mad .
im tiredd
illl updatee yall laterr withh what happenedd lol .


comeebaaack seasonn =]

soooo ,

iff yuu enjoyy qood musicc ,

thenn OF COURSEE yuu enjoyy thee bombb sensationn of ;

f-a-b-o-l-o-u-s !

bomb !


hee been inn everybodyy sonq latelyy juss makinn us moree curiouss as too whenn he makinn his own comebackk . anywhoo ; checkk hiss latestt . . .

*slim ft. ryan lesliee && fab - qood lovinn

*fab - let the money buildd

*ryann lesliee && fab -addictionn

*red cafe && fab - paper touchinn

*neyo ft. jamie foxx && fab - she qot her ownn

*bruthaa ft. fab - i cant hear the music

welllll most of them yuu already heardd bt shit, i keep hearin emm.



nooo moreeee foooood !

hiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii everybodyy =]

happy latee thankieess dayy !

imm boredd soo im juss qonna recapp && do some chit chattinn.....

soo -

fer turkeyy dayy i went to my auntie housee in san bernadinoo.

to qet my qrubb onn.

i didnt evenn eat alot , cuhz i was scarfin downn spritess likee i was bout to die of thirstt.

so i only atee one platee ,

thenn i qotta helllllllllllllluhhh sleepy sincee i was movin on 4 hourss of sleep.

[yeaa , i be lwky crackedd out; i have insomniaa.]

lol. so yeaa im jus watchinn tv , talkin shxt , noddin out.

readyy to bloww that placee cuz im tryna qet homee back to myy bbyddy !

cuz i hadnt talked to him since beforee i left && i was missin himm likee crazy !


[yeaa , i knoww im sprunq - whoo qivess a shxt.]

soo yeaa i qet homee eat sommoree talk to myy bbyddy && the homieee.

&&&&thatss all.


borinqq right?

i knowww.

i neededd like a fat ass kushhh bluntt && somee sexx.


bt neither were an optionn since [a] i stopped smokinn.

&& [b] my bf is 40 miless awayy >:O


bt im qood.

im soo exciteddd.

my bbys adoptinq mee cuz my momss sellin me.


so im leavin next weekend to manhattan beachh to qo be hisss :D

tite huh ?

i knoow !

woot woot !

yall knoww what that meannnnss s !!!

[&&no. im not comin back preqo so dont even say it.]


it meansss jelliess qonna be happy as FCK cuz she qet to spend all her timee wit ddy duhh !

so anywhoo moree about thtt laterr.


im tiredd,

bt im boredd,

&& its not time for me to qo to sleep yet so im juss talkin about absolutelyy nadaa,

&&yall tune inn to it likee itss interestinq !

lol !

so thankss if yall readin this shit.

but yeaaa.

thats about it.

i dont havee anythinq interestinq to writee so ill savee yall the time && me the enerqyy.

p e a c e .

myy bombb bummy ass ! on turkeyy day =]


maxxxed out !

noww itss one thinqq to say a whitee bxtchh caint fiqht.
but itss another thinq whenn she can knock a full qrownn niqquh out.
ha !


fat bxtchhesss.

i juss stolee thiss frm somebodyys bloqq.
but qotdamnitt thiss shit is soo funny everybodyy should see it,
lmaaoooo !
i keep playin it over and overr !


dedicatedd to my heart♥.

"heyy lover, heyy lover.....thiss is moree thann a crushhh...."

heyyy babyyyy !
i toldd yuu i'd writee a bloqq for yuu so heree it iss,
i miss yuu :[
i really do.
i made yuu mad earlier ,
not intentionally.
bt i felt the need to tell yuu how i felt about a certain situationn.
&&im confusedd as to if im overexaqqeratinqq or im not.
bt i dont really caree, to be honest.
i just need yuu withh me.
i just dont wanna be blindd in the process becausee love tendss to qet that wayy.
&&yuu do always call me naivee.
am i really? :/
i dont think that i am.
i think im pretty on point.
i knoww how muchh i lovee yuu.
&& what id do for yuu,
&&if thats beinq naiveee.
thenn i quess, i am.

how do i tell yuu how muchh i lovee yuu
without tellinq yuu what ive already told yuu before?
its only one wayy to say I LOVE yU.
&&no matter how many timess i tell yuu,
or i hear it,
i cant hear it or say it enouqhh.
like sayinq it oncee.
isnt enouqhh to
e x p l a i n n
how MUCH
i love you.
i dont think theres even a word.
to describee how i feel or how much i care.
theree arent enouqhh worddss in the worldd,
to tell yuu.
i couldd qo on && onn tryinq to tell yuu,
whichh wouldd really only result in me sayinq the same thinq a million different wayys.

as muchh ass i know yuu lovee meee,
sometimess i feel likee yuu will neverr truelyy knoww,
or understandd how muchh i lovee yuu,
its been heardd beforee,
likee "ohh iLy soo much"
"ill never leavee yuu"
"yuu mean the world to me"
bt in the end , the relationshipp doesnt work.
bt see ,
with mee.
i knoww howw i feel,
&&i knoww that the wordds tht i tell yuu
comee from the bottom of my heart,
i knoww that ive never felt likee this beforee in my lifee &&
i know myy lovee for yuu has no limit.
i knoww that yuu makee me soooo madd sometimess,
&&i knoww that the second after yuu qet mad.
i reqret everythinq i did to make yuu mad.
&&i just wanna make everythinq right.

&&sometimess i qet madd at myself,
becausee, i knoww that i shouldnt let everythinq qo.,
but i hate havinq conflictionn withh yuu,
soo i do whatever i have to, to keep yuu happy,
cuz whenn yer happy, im happy.
bt most of the timee.
i never even have to do that.
becausee yer alwayss the biqqer mann &&
yuu apoloqizee whenn yuu know yer wronq,
&&yuu correct me when im makinq yuu be right.
&&that just showss me how muchh yuu lovee me zahkeem.
cuz i dont knoww too many ppl that would do that.
i cant wait for the dayy we becomee one,
&&qet marriedd. && thee day i findd out im preqnant,
&&yuu qet to watchh me qet fat, lmao.
and talk shit.
i cant wait to spend everyday with yuu,
livinq lifee && beinq happy as a familyy.
i never consideredd qettinq marriedd before i met yuu
cuz i didnt think it was someone i couldd see myself withh for the rest of myy lifee,
but whenn i see yuu,
i see eternityy.
yuu makee me soo happy,
i juss never wanna stop anythinq withh yuu.
i couldd talk too yuu for hourss && hourss && never qet boredd.
juss starinq at yuu makess me smilee,
thinkinq back on memoriess makess me cryy :]
i love yuu ddy.
i do.
i just hopee yuu realizee how muchh &&never let me qoo.
8.31.08 was qods qift to mee.
&&im never qivinq it back.
iLyuu zahkeem.



noww im sayinn doe.
if yuu wasnt a keri hilsonn fann beforee.....
yuu aree now :]
bomb ass bxtchh !
&&i aint evenn qay !
she qot her "like a boy" onn in this video.
but all the eye candyy is sweeeet :]
not too mentionn she tiiqht.
check it !

ohh && the herrinqbonee nailss ! P O P P N N !

keri hilsonn ft/weezy -turninn me onn.


back likee it never left.

soo cooqi was the shhh back in the 90'z.
&&its been aroundd fer a cool onee.
but i never paidd it any mindd.
buuuut., its cominn back inn a major wayy.
i keep seein this pursee && a dress i want in hella music videos !
like wtf !
basic but dumb ass cutee.
peep the purse cost moree than the dress :]


juss onee of thosee dayss....

considerinqq i havee no life what so everr. todayy was pretty fuckinn dryy.
irritatedd once aqainn.
nothinq neww riqhht.??
thats juss sadd.

sooo, anywhoo my dayy startedd...mmmm....ohkayy. around 12ishh. [yeaa i sleep latee who givesuhfck. i qo to sleep late=P] soo after i usedd the bathroomm &&did all tht stuff. i qot on the cpu aka my bessfriendd. unfortunetlyy. lol. checkedd my 'space'. smhh, nothinq but a few dumbass friend requests. i dont need any new friendss. i wantedd to talk to myy bby but he wasnt on aim so i juss qot off. watchedd a lil tv wit my mom &&her husbandd. [dont ask why i dont say stepdad] &&ate some frosted flakes.

by this time its likee 2 somn. my lazyy ass falls BACK asleep. [im backedd upp on hours, i never qet enouqh sleep =/] so i wakee upp around 4 somn, back on the cpu....blahhhhhhhhhhhhh.
omq. lmao. thiss jus sounds borinq typinq thiss so i know yer bored readinq it. lmao.

FASS FORWARd>>>>>>>>

basically im mad cuz i barely talkedd to hubby && he fell asleep on meee>:O &&its not the fact he fell asleep. its the fact he didnt say he was fckinn tired, qod. i was waitinq all dayy to talk to himm && when i finally do its like. hi--byee. that madee my niqht worse than what it already wass.

im qoinq back upp to the bayy after thanksqivinq :]
i qotta qo visit my qrandma && my father.
&&my bay bestiess. imthose qirls !
i'll prolly spend a week out theree.
no reason to stay any lonqer.
my lifee is down heree.
not to mentionnn the bbyddyy is pickinn me upp from the airport :D
wooot wooot.
lookinq forwardd to that !
our 3 monthh anniv. is on the 31st soooo we qotta makee that uppp,
not to mentionnn ALOT of other shxt.
iff yaa knoww what i mean ;]
iLthat boyy.
even tho he pissess me off.

i wannnnaaaa moveee tooo loss anqelesssss>:O
mann i swearr i cant findd a fcknn job out here in the "i.e" to save my lifee,
but i havee a homiee tht workss in la && couldd hook mee upp buut quesss whaaaat??
yep !
i livee 40 fckinn miless awayy in WACK ASS MORENO VALLEY.
i wanna blow this betchhh of the map.
dumbass fckinn cityy i swear.
evenn if i had a job out here i wouldnt wanna live out heree.
i miss the city lifee :]
sheeeit. ima BAY qirll.
i lovee the fass lifee.
yeaaaaahhhhhh [qucci mane voicee]

this shit out here aint cuttin it.
but whatever,
2009 is rollin innnn.

next year is neww beqinninqs.
new place.
new job.
new school.
new thinqs.
new life.

sounds niceee.
lets see if it actually is...........



-- clutteredd.
i need to juss let qo && clear myy mindd.

i inhale thenn exhale.
no difference.
frustrationn settles.
hopee is fadinq.
i need relief.

wheres myy hero?
myy wishh comee truee.?
as usual.

runninqq. runninq. runninq.
wheree am i runninq to?
i havee no ideaa.
but itss awayy fromm heree.


trynaa rideee S classss.

mannnnnnnn i want onee soooo badddddd>:O
anybodyy wanna buy me oneeee :D


dancee. danceee. danceeee.

i lovveeee this sonqqq &&&the videoo is maxxx poppinnn:]

&& ladyy qaqa is wit the bizness!

check her out.



everyonee has emm.
evenn if theyy act likee theyy dont.

i feel likee theree my onlyy setback, lookinq at myself.
i havee soo manyy evenn thouqhh most peoplee dont see themm.
i think it stems from myy childhood. whyy i think so neqativelyy about myself...
whichh is really sadd. becausee in realityy i still shouldnt feel that wayy as an adult.

im insecuree about...
my beauty. my size. my shape. my smile. how i am comparedd to other ppl.
my wholee self imaqee. &&i wishh i wasnt but i amm.
everyonee always tells me im pretty. im not that biq. or i have a pretty smilee..
&&evenn thouqhh it makes me smilee && i appreciate the compliment.
in the back of my mind im thinkinq to myself....what do they see that i dont :/
its so irritatinq. i mean i know im not uqlyy. but i dont think im all tht pretty either.
&&idk whyy.

my bby thinks im "the prettiest qirl on earthh" [his words. not mines] lol. he makes me feel likee idk. im soo fckinn beautiful. he always tells me how pretty i am. &&likee evenn tho it makess me feel so special && lovee him so much moree. i qet mad at myself for not seeinq the same thinq.
lol. he thinks im conceited cuz i takee so many pictures, but in all honestyy i think i take so many pictures to try to convincee myself that I AM pretty. idk.

i think its a constant struqqle for self lovee. evenn thouqh its really somethinq yuu should be bornn &&raised withh. im not knockinq my parents cuz my mom && adults always said i was pretty when i was little but i jus never believed themm. silly mee. mother knows best.

i think its timee to enjoy lovinq myself for me for once tho. stop beinq so blindd && see what other people see. i miqht actually likee it :]



todays;z suchh a better dayy than yesterdayy. evenn tho it startedd off really rouqh! [thanks to my bf]. he ended up makinq it end on a qood note...as usual:]
so i didnt do shxt with myself today. i slept damn near the whole day away. whichh was finee byy me considerinqq i wouldd rather sleep then bee upp and boredd as fuxx. myy cuzos wantedd me to qo out withh themm &&juss when i was bout to qet dressed.. my bf camee into the picturee && i chosee stayinq homee talkinq to him thenn qettinq drunk &&actinq stupidd. myy cuzinn was madd. but whatever. id rather sit home and cupcakee thenn qo out anydayy. call me a homebodyy, i d q a f. ivee donee my sharee of partyinqq. i aint missin shxt.

i talkedd to myy best friendd from the bayarea for the 1st timee in likee 6 months:/ i feel quiltyy cuz i havent been back upp there to visit...in likee a year, mind yuu myy father still lives upp there && i havent seen his ass either. but idc. hes the reason i movedd down here anyways. [i dont feel like elaboratinq] but yeaa. i miss her muchoo && myy other bff nini. them was myy ride or diee bxtchhes. since elementaryy, yuu cant find friends likee them. i never thouqht we would end up not talkinq, but i quess times chanqee and ppl chanqee. yuu cant avoid human naturee. ya knoww.?

its funny tho. i had this weirdd enliqhteninq moment earlier. where i felt like i shouldnt qive two fuxx about shxt. &&inn all honestyy i dont if it has nuthinq to do with mee...lol. so i was likee ohh whatever. kiss myy asssss>:O cuz thats my mentalityy anyways, idgaf what anyone thinks. ima do what i do reqardless. but im jus feelin myself for nooo reasonn. but i felt likee it was timee. cuz i usedd to ALLLWAYS bee feelin myself. but not latelyy. so its about that timee anqelica qets back on her 2-10s;z && starts walkinn :]

i bouncee to myy ownn themee sonq, cuz imm tiiqht likee that. lol.

im soo boredd. im just blabberinq now. lol. i just put myybbyddy to bed likee i do everynitee:]
thats mommas;z baybeee : D we dont need any kids cuz hes myy biqq bby. lol. he be likee i aint no fuckin babyy ima qrown ass man cuhkz! lol. but hes myy bby so i bee likee uhh huuh :]
lol. we supposedd to qet marriedd && havee likee 6 kids. lmaoo. the black bradyy bunchh.
hahahhahaa, i hopee i can spit out 6 kids;z [its qon be some c-sections in there soommeeewheree] lmaoo. mann i lovee myy bbyddy tho. hes my sunliqht. all myy joyy. im happy with himm. id be lost without himm.

love is fckinn crazy. likee a dumbass 4 letter 1 syllable word. packs;z sooo muchh power. so muchh emotion! likee. its soo much moree than just a definition to lovee, its likee a mindframe almost. like lovee takes over everythinq. yer thoughts. the way yuu carry yourself. the way yuu do shxt. the choices yuu makee. the thinqs yuu do. its picks yuu upp. keeps yuu downn. makes yuu lost. finds yuu. its likee everythinq. lmaoo. its touqhh. but i lovee it. id qo throuqhh hell jus to feel qood lovee. its the best feelinq on the planet. incomparable to anythinq elsee....

im donee thoo. im tiredd. im bout to eat && takee my fatass to sleep. lol. nitee yall.


its;z juss LiFE. smhh.

lemme juss takee uhh moment to breathee. beforee i qoo onn and onn about uhh bunchh of shxt yall dont evenn understandd, or better yet cant evenn relatee to.

im irritated. now. later. before. after. today. tomorrow. yesterday. lass week. next week. evry mtfckn day!

i dont knoww whyy. i just am. everythinq irritates me. EVERytHiNG! i never used to be this irritatedd. but im startinq to think im just plainn frustratedd with lifee.

i hatee myy lifee. the situationn im inn. im disappointedd in myself for lettinq myself stoop downn this low. im a fckin lowlifee. && OUT the CUTS thoo!

if yuu kneww anqelica backk in hiqh school yuu wouldd NEVVVVERRRRRR EVERRRRR think that she'd bee 20 years oldd withh no lifee. no job. not in school. just depressed and miserablee.
i havee few friends becausee i let them all qo. && as the days pass i wanna let moree qo. idc anymoree. i spend the majorityy of myy timee withh my cuzinns whichh is finee. but noww i just want spacee. time alonee....that i havee NONE of....

myy onlyy happy aspect to myy lifee...thats actually brinqs joy is the lovee of myy lifee. zahkeem<3. ive talkedd about him previouslyy. but yuu quys could never evenn understand HOW MUCH he means to mee. cuz i dont even understand it. its likee.....sincee hes the onlyy thing that brinqs me happiness...all myy happiness depends onn himm. && i knoww it shouldnt bee that wayy but thats how its becomee.

every little thinq matters to me. and it either brings me upp or brinqs me downn. ive NEVER caredd so muchh about what anyone did. or how they mattered to me. this is new to me. its confusinq. its sadd.

&& i feel likee everyone elsee in my lifee always has somethinq neqativee to sayy about himm.
&&that just pisses me the fuck off. cuz they dont evenn know himm. theyy knoww of himm. nobodyy knows himm like mee. peoplee are juss talkinn shxt cuz thats all theyre qood at. nobodyy wants to see jelliee in lovee and happy. whyy? cuz theyy all miserablee with they fckinn life! && idgaf what anyone has to say about SHXT! i lovee himm to the deathh of mee. if yuu disaqree thenn keep tht shxt pushhinn on some reall ass shxt. i can handlee my own ups && downs. my ownn heart. myy ownn lifee. live yers...

3 simplee ass things wouldd make me happy--

1. employment; ive NEVER been this brokee in my fuckinn lifee.
2. school; i wanna qo baaackkkkk.
3. livee happily w. myy bby; hes myy everythinq. lifee wouldnt be complete w/o himm :/

thesee shouldd be three eassyyyy ass thinqs to accomplishh. especially byy someone of myy standards. but where i fuckinn livee. my situationn. everythinq is fuckinn aqainst me makinn it twicee as hardd.

i movedd frm the bay area to socal to "start over" && so farr startedd on the wronnnnq foot.
i wanna movee againn. but not BACK to the bayy. [i refusee to qo back until i accomplishh what i intended] but i wanna movee awayyyy from where im at. a new place. new things. new oppurtunities. new ppl. new beqinninqs.

i know i can do it. thats a definate, but where i stand now...im discouraqed &&no lonqer even tryinqq. thats just a disappointment to myself.

nobodyy cann fixx myy lifee but mee. but i need that qivenn.
qivee me a new startinq point whichh actually i think mayy be cominq soon....

from theree....one step at a time to be where i wanna be....



im sorry but everytimee i see this fckinn videoo i just.....


i feel this video onn a WHOLE nother level. [mee &&ushh qot the samee bdayyy:D]

im tellinn yuu this videoo is soooo fuckin sexyy.
im re-actinq this wholee videoo withh myy hubby.



meet thee FIRST familyy : D

whooooot woooooooot!
OUR president is B l A C k!!!!!
not that thats the most important thinq. but this is historyy. &&we madee it. the first minorityy to ever takee officee. i meann mahh niqquh. its about timeee.!!
&&who better to fulfill our needs thenn mr. Barack Obama??
cuhkz is sooo sweet&&carinq. sooper intelliqent &&moree than qualifiedd fer the jobb :] &&look at hiss lovee lifee. hiss relationsipp withh his wifee &&kids is beautiful<3>
theyre sooo cuteee.
well anywhoo. even thoo myy votee didnt necessarilyy count cuz his electorial votes hit 270 before california was even counted :-D
i STill MADE uhh D I F F E R E N C E.
i believee inn the chanqee so lets makee shxt happenn.
welcomee to the black housee :]


V O t E E>:O

if yuu havent qot yoo ass upp ndd votedd.


i [b A R A C k]Ed tHEE VOTEEE : D

&&i votedd NO onn prop 8 niqquh >:O

--idgaf what nobodyy qotta sayy. i think that everyonee shouldd have the oppurtunityy to bee in lovee &&embracee marriaqee. shxt. it aint me. whyy cant theyy bee happy too? && ass for teachinq it too our youthh. i dont necessarilyy aqree, but at the samee timee, qayy peoplee arent qoinq anywheree so theyre qonna learn it eventually. its a personal choicee.



smhh. on myy mother was soooo RIDICULOUS!

wtf. as many flippin fuctions there was.
we couldnt fuck withh any.
drove around fuckinn riversidee && waaaack ass moreno valleyy for damn near 5 hours just wastinq qas!!!
not to mentionn i had to qivee this bitchh qass fer basically just siqht seeinq>:O

aint that bout a bxtchh!
but anywhoo. i still hadd funn :)
ummmm. we endedd up wit the cuzos in a room. qettin turnt!
all niterrr. i was off 3 hrs a sleep on saturday! lmaoo.
&&i fuckedd tht jack in the craxk "sampler trio" upppppppppp:D

anywhoo...heres somee random flixx.
[dont mind mee &&cookiee we lwky camera whores :x wee tiight!]

beforee we left:) im cutee huh?

shady they didnt evenn tell a niqquh her bra was out>:O

lol. we werent drunk.

hoodrats! lmaooooo! theyy was trickinn && treatinn! jp!jp! ilyall.

lol. check the top ramen in myy pocket. i was hungryy :]

quess what i was fer halloween??? yeaa niqquh. i was ME! ha!

at winco beinq qhetto. lmao.

fuckk yuu cuhhhhhhhz.


__mann. :-D

i cant evenn tell yall how muchh i lovee him.
likee. i could qo onn && onn && onn about it. but there arent enouqhh words;z to explainn how muchh he means to mee.

yall prolly likee..who da fuckk iss cuhh??
she always talkinn bout [himm].

dont tripp.
ill let yall see himm whenn its timee.

just knoww.
whatever wee qo throughh.
we always end upp back at one.
iLyUU zahkeem.

[checkk it. he said this sonq reminds;z him of us. ha!]



--what is it that makes;z uss....keep tryinq??

likee....whenn the samee shxt keeps;z happeninq over &&over aqainn. what persuades;z uss to think that it'll chanqee???

is it the trust wee havee for that personn?

the lovee?



sometimes;z havinq hopee leaves;z yuu in disappointment.

perseverencee useless.

i keep tryinq to comee upp withh a resolutionn to this onee issuee.

&&as closee as i qet is nowheree near wheree i wanna be......

i keep beinq persuadedd to tryy.

&&mee on myy ownn wants;z too tryyy moree thann anythinq in the worldd.

but im startinq to feel likee its imposssiblee to qet theree.

--its;z tearinq me downn.

&&breakinq myy heart.

i feel foolishh.

is it mee. or is it not meant to bee?



everyday is somethinq neww.

its eitherr a step forwardd or a stepp back.

i feel likee steppinq off.

all my hopee is just depletinq.

dayy byy dayy.

im an emotional wreck.

whyy tryy if no one elsee is.

i need relief : /


i still want theseee >:O

: D

soo im jus layinn downn lass nitee, watchinq music videos && quess who comes;z onn...

mah bbyddy weezyy && bobby v :]

oohhh yeaaaaaa!
soo the videoo storyy linee couldaa been better....
but weezyy soo muhhfcknn B O M B B B!
especially withh hiss newest additions;z [lip &&eyebrow piercinqs]
i woulda rockedd hiss worldd in them handcuffs! :-X

anywhoo. check it out......


myy niqquh G-O-D :]


theres;z no onee i lovee moree thann qodd.
yuu talk too himm. &&hee qives;z yuu what yuu prayy for.

he blesses;z me everydayy.
iff yuu prayy he miqht bless yuu too.
lordd knows;z a l o t of yall need himm!



real shit.
yuu need himm in your lifee :]



--lifees;z funny yahh knoo. likee for the lonqest i just wantedd to bee lovedd. &&i'vee hadd nothinqq but lovee for other peoplee. &&youu knoww how they say what qoes;z aroundd; comes;z aroundd??

all my lovee camee back. :)

latelyy everyones;z been tellinq me they "lovee me" && likee whether its likee 'inn lovee' lovee or just 'lovee for' .......

i neverr kneww i was so loveablee. likeee this is amazinq but saddd. cuz i cant satisfy everyones;z interest. i lovee these peoplee back

but im onlyy IN lovee with ONEE.
i can onlyy FOCUS on ONEE.
i can onlyy qive MY ALL to ONEE.
&&everyone knows;z who that ONE is.

evenn thouqhh we qo throuqhh our ups;z &&downs;z....thats;z myy heart. hes;z onn a level that cant evenn bee reachedd byy ANYONE [.that isnt himm.] && not sayinq hes;z b e t t e r than anyonee but......
hes;z my everythinq. myy other half. perfectionn embodied. i wouldnt tradee himm for the worldd :/

--idk. this iss just qettinq too complexx for me.
i lovee everyonee. but im matchedd. set. && satisfiedd.


soo i peepedd her looooonqq timee aqo whenn she was in tht outkast "morris brown" sonq, cuz that was myy shxt. lol. but check her out. names;z janelle monae. siqnedd to bad boy wit diddy rudee ass. but shee different, qot her own stylee. && reminds;z me of princee or andre 300o && yuu knoww thts mahh niqquh!! lmaoo.
listenn to her shee tiiqht doe :)




thats;z all i can fuckinn sayy ritee now. im sooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo


theyy sayy be careful what yuu look for cuz yuu just miqht findd it.
yeaa. i foundd it.
i found the truthh.

everythinq beforee no lonqer matters;z. i consider it lies.


yall cant evenn feeeel mee doe. im sooooooo madd ritee now. likeee. mannnnn. i just need to typee to relievee all this anqer. i dont know what to believe anymoree. i thouqht i was coo. i thouqht i was.....mann. idc. idc. idc. idc. idc. i can no lonqer caree. im just fedd up too the fullest.

i hateeeeee yuu. sooooo muchhhhh riteeee nowwwww. mannn. i wanna qo mtfckn crazyy cuhh.
likee qoo shoot a feww rounds;z err somnn. real shit. this confirms it. i fcknn hatee people.
i trust NOBODY. i dont believe SHIT outta anybodies mouthh. fuck everyone. ill bee my ownn fuckin lover && friend. cuz peoplee are just a disappointment. im tiredd of beinq honest && lovinq, && qivinq, && i qet playedd for the fuckinn fool >:O

qot mee fuckedd up on sooo manyy levels.
im bashNN everymtfcknnbody!!!! yuu qotta problemm. holler at me.
i aint qivin uhh fuck.
&&thats on my mtfcknn qranny r i p.

try me.

lMAOOOO this niqquhh!

i seen thiss ishh lass nitee hadd me rollinnnnn!
if yuu dont wanna watchh the wholee thinq fast forward to 2:10.
the kitchenn scene is comedyyy.



--lmaoo. woooowwww. peoplee thesee days;z. theyy simplyy amazee mee. likee on somee real shxt thoo. everyonee qet soo cauqht upp in labels;z && theyree own personal fantasyy thann the actual REALITY of thinqs;z. for examplee.....

--qoon/ qoblinn; ect.:: yahhhh. what?? aree thesee niqquhs;z serious tho?? i havee yet to see anybodyy thats;z actually DOIN somee real ruthless ass shxt. thesee niqquhs;z is all talk && no walk. niqquhs;z aint bout shit but tryna out do the NEXT niqquh. smhh. neeexxxxxxxttt!

--mackinn; ::bxtches;z think they a c t u a l l y bee mackinn niqquhs;z thesee days;z. lets;z takee uh moment to ponder............................................................umm no. how is yuu mackinn niqquhs;z if yuu fxckinn all the dudes yuu mackinn??? thats no lonqerr mackinn. think about it.

--ballinn; :: waaaaaaait waaaait. okayy. now moneyy is everyones;z main objectivee. without a doubt. but all these ppl talkinn likee theyy qot moneyy out thee ass.??? yahhh. no. yall mayy havee cash flow. but half yall niqquhs spendinn mommy &&daddys;z cashhh. wheres;z the braqqinq in that?? that isnt a hustle. wtf. &&that brinqs;z mee to that word....

--hustlinn; :: qett theee fuckk outta here. everyones "hustlinn" smhh. woooowww. if yuu aint on yo p's && q'z everydayy tryna qet moneyy byy any means necessaryy...yo ass AINT hustlinn. howw the fuckk yuu sit onn yo ass all dayy askinn somebodyy elsee fer $$$ thenn yuu hustlinn?? ahahahaa.
ohhh kayyy..

im lauqhinn at yall. likee really. peoplee amuse mee.
i dont usee any of thesee terms;z so yess i can talk all the shxt i want about the ppl who do.
im nooo hypocritee :)

suckas;z =P


k e r i HiLSONN.

--hass myy votee HANDS;Z DOWNN. thee bxtchh is badd. [no homo]. but seriouslyy. shes;z pretty. shes;z flyy. she can actually sinq. i relatee to alll her damnn sonqs;z. rihanna titee; but i respect HER freshh :)


"livee yer lifeeeeeee"

--playy on repeat :) its the pushh i need to qet it qoinq.

f r i [e n d] s.

...hass anyonee ever tookenn into account that friend has "end" in it.?? likee literally tho...&& i meann if yerr pretty social yuu knoww by experiencee that friendships;z comee && qo withh the seasonns;z.... ivee hadd sooo manyy damnn friends;z inn myy lifee that havee just vanishedd. whichh is whyy i dont really caree for friends;z now. i know who my truee friends;z aree &&everyonee elsee are just varibles;z.....associates;z.

latelyy ive just qivenn up all toqetherr on friends;z. straiqht upp anti.sociall. lol. likee really tho friends;z aree for conversation, relationn, &&comfort. --theyy dont do NONE of that shit thesee days;z..theyy talk shxt about yuu, spreadd yo bizz, fakee on yuu, leavee yuu hanqinn, put they two cents inn where it aint neededd....just moree irritationn to yo lifestylee...

too sayy yuu couldd live without friendss wouldd be a stretchh cuz i know that i couldnt. but to think they qon bee there for yuu forever is unrealistic. yu qonn constantlyy makee && losee friends;z throuqhout yer lifetimee. whyy stress over the loss of onee?? i feel likee im losinq one of my closest friends;z cuz we bothh qoin throuqh some shxt but as heartless as it sounds;z.....idgaf.

--ppl leavee yer lifee in order to makee room for someone elsee....[i wonder whos;z cominq.....]

fromm sOMETHiN too NOTHiNN...

soo..iff yuu knoww mee personallyy, yuu knoww i likee watchinn weirdd shit, most peoplee myy aqee dont fuck wit...for examplee..the sciencee channel && the discovery channel..lol..

but besideeeeeeeees all that i watchedd this bomb ass movie lass nitee called "FACTORY GiRL" that was based on the lifee of this qirl namedd Edi Sedqewick who becamee the apple of Andy Warhols;z eye in the 60s;z &&basicallyy just fuckedd her wholee lifee off.

shee was bornn an heiress into this richhh ass familyy. her father molestedd her as a childd &&sent her to the mental hospital. after art school she movedd to new york wheree her friendd introducedd her to thee aspirinq andy warhol who jus becamee infatuatedd with thiss chick..evenn tho his ass was a truee fruitcakee..lol.. she ruinedd her lifee over himm. went bankrupt. strunqout onn druqs;z. chosee a sour friendship over true lovee && eventually lost everythinq shee hadd. shee diedd at 28.

likeee herr storyy is so sadd. this bxtchh had the worldd &&she threww it all awayy on a "friendd" that let his jealousyy take over his feelinqs. in all honestyy. i thinkk she was upp theree wit marilyn monroe && audrey hepburnn&& other beauties of her timee. she had a stylee outta this worldd.

the bxtchh wass poppinn' lol. but yeaaa...check this out if yuu come across it : )



dOiNq thee iMPOSSiBlEx.

love. love. love. love. love.

thats;z all i ever think about.


my wholee lifee...all ive ever wantedd was to bee headd over heels;z in lovee withh someonee.

to experiencee mutual lovee to its;z full extent.

&&throuqhout myy lifee i'vee come to the conclusionn that ivee simplyy been

--lookinq for lovee in all the wronq places;z.

that isss..until i met [himm].

i never met anyonee likee himm. ever. literally.

he just walkedd into my lifee outta nowheree.

&&basically snatchedd my heart out my damnn chest.

--q o n e e e.

everythinq about him was perfectionn to me.

&&sheit. everyone knows;z that perfection is nonexistent.

but to mee his imperfections were overshadowed byy all his qood qualities.

ive never, ever, evr, evr, evrrrrrrrr.

been sooo. just infatuatedd with someone.

likee i put myy full attention, time, effort, love, emotion, e v r y t h i n q!

into this relationship...just qavee myself away not evenn thinkinq twicee

about puttinq upp a quard to protect myy heart.

just beinq completely oblivious to the fact if i put all my lovee into this

if anythinq went wronq......id fall flat on myy ass.

&&loww && beholdd what happens;z??????

thinqs;z chanqee out of nowheree.

&& i becomee the personn he loves;z soooo muchh but can no lonqer withstand...

brinqinq myy wholee worldd to justt crashhh &&burnnnnnnn the fuck upp.


i meann i cann tryy && tryy && tryy but likee...

what cann i do if hiss lovee isnt where it usedd to be???

ive criedd soooooooooooo many fuckinn tears;z over this.

&&likee i still cant understandd what the fuck went wronq : /

he;s myy first reall lovee.

ill never stopp lovinq himm.

never stopp carinq about himm.

ill stillll kill &&/orr diee for thiss mann.

&& as muchh as yuu miqht think....

"ohh yyuu hatee him" or "ohhh yer stupidd..."


bitee me.

no one will ever understandd the extent that i lovee himm becausee they not me or himm.

likee...ask yerself.

how do yuu let qo of somethinq that makes;z yer lifee uhh billion times;z better????

yuu dont....