first day blues :( SIKE ! bitch im see thru !

lol .
so this was my first day after we "ended things" .
blaah .
i woke up feelin sad but as my day went on and i tlked to my better
halfs & bess homie , i didn't even care .
well i do , but not enough to stay sad .
i was more idk , disappointed .
but i wasn't trippin tho .
that's what im accustomed to .
good ol dissapointment :) it never fails me .
i guess i let the pedestal i put him on , seeing him as so different let
me miss the signs .
weeelll wait .
let me not say miss , cus i didn't miss shit .
but !
i let my heart get in the way of what my brain already knew .
smh .
whaaatever .
he wanna be with her . i guess ill take that losss .
funny how the two niggas that told me how much they oh so loved me are
now with other girls but BOTH claim there's nothing wrong with how i
love .
i agree to disagree . bc something isn't right .
or maybe the way they loved me aint the way i loved them .
i think i love too maturely for my age .
my love is strong enough to get married today and be happy with that one
person for a lifetime .
i don't expect them to love me that much but close would be nice .
i guess im just tired of being left .
i always feel abandoned .
like im just supposed to be like FASHO ! :)
nah , its more than that .
but .
this time around im emotionless .
i didn't cry today mostly bc im too proud to show im hurt .
crying don't do shit . don't change the situation . don't take the pain
away . but it makes u stronger , more careless .
i been talkin to this one nigga , to take my mind off things but i dnt
want no relationship . we been knowin each other for tha longest . if
anything ill use him for emotional and physical support . who cares . i
don't .
i wont say that im heartless , bc im not .
i just put my heart inside a steel box wit a padlock and security fence
around it . lol .
its stayin where its at . cus im nt willing to put it at risk again .
i refuse .
love is a selfLess emotion so with that said ,
i do Love angelica 1st .
always .
i love him . so i hope he's happy , it hurts me to see him sad . so if
he wasn't happy with me , that's unfortunate for my heart , but ill
sacrifice that . everything happens for a reason .
& if he didn't leave me on real or legit intentions . . .
karmas a real bitch .
so i aint worried . lol .
i shoulda seen this coming to be honest .
i left zahkeem for james so of course he had to leave me for someone
else .
blaaaah .
whatever .
im not blue bc im not sad .
but im see thru bc im emotionless .
i feel blank . like part of me is missing .
it is . . .
but ill refill that space with time .
i wont regret anything . my past makes my future .
& that im anxious for . . . kind of .