trust & insecurities .

i don't trust people .
i have a huge trust issue which is why you never hear me talk about any
new males in my life .
always just zahkeem then james .
that's it and that's all .
other guys try to talk to me but i dnt even feel like putting effort
into it because i know what they want and i don't want that .
i don't trust males .
i don't trust females .
i don't trust shit .
its a natural instinct now and idc .
im happy with where im at .
yeaa , im single . but im content with who I've been with long enough to
trust .
but ever since my trust w. james got idk interrupted
im still working on putting myself back to that place where i feel safe
from getting hurt .
its gonna take awhile but it doesn't really affect our relationship bc i
still trust him as a person .
i love him enough to trust him even tho we been through shit .
i trust him enough to not let me down .
but i still have some insecurities and i just realized it .
im working on it . i have to get out of this gf state of mind .
yea he asked to marry me but we still aren't back together .
and i know until we get back together i wont feel secure .
and its hard for me but im im really working on it .
i would do anything for us to work .
bc i know he's what i need . he's my motivation .
he's younger than me but his focus is inspiring .
it makes me wanna work harder .
were back on no talking terms .
not bc we dnt want to but bc he needs time to grow & get his life back
together .
we didn't talk at all today & i wanna cry cus i miss him soo bad .
i know he's been spending time with his bbymma lately
and i can't be trippin cus
one . we not together .
two . i know they don't want each other ( well to tha last of my
knowledge)
& three . idk.
im just trusting that things wont fall apart again .
this is all the time i have .
his baby'll be here in january .
then i know after that things are gonna change .
i can accept that tho , bc i know how much his son means to him & i
would never try to interfere with that .
i just hate feeling insecure when i know he's with someone else he has
love for , cus although i know how much he loves me .
i worry abt they're love becoming stronger .
i have soo much faith in our relationship coming back together .
especially after this last incident wit that one female that i don't
respect , but im not gonna get into that cus idc enough abt her to waste
my talking time .
but i feel like our relationship is where its at for a reason & our love
is strong enough to last .
& if he feels like he could marry me !
that's like a dream come true .
and like i knooooow were not getting married anytime soon .
but that's perfectly fineee . i want our lives to be right .
i wanna have a real wedding . i wanna have a real life .
but to be able to feel like someone wants to spend their life with me ,
makes me wanna cry .
i never thought id find someone to love me back the way i love .
i don't even know HOW i fell soo in love with him .
but im sooooooooo in love right now .
just talking about it right now is making me fckin cry
and i dnt have any control over it .
its not like im sad , im just overwhelmed with emotion lol .
im touched . im loved .
i don't know if i could handle losing it at this point .
im in too deep .
it scares me , cus if things don't work or i lose him
its gonna ruin my life .
its such a main factor to my happiness .
and they say never put someone in control of your happiness or youll
always be left unhappy .
but he's not in control of it , he's just beneficial to it .
his happiness is beneficial to mines .
without him im soooooooo unhappy .
but im maintaining cus i have faith .
its kind of sad , but i can't really control how i feel .
my feelings are soo far gonee .
smh .
i wasn't tryna write a whole story lol
but im just feelin kinna down right now .
im feelin sick & i can't sleep cus i keep thinkin about my trust and
insecurities and love .
im workingg on it thoooo .
i really am .
cus its gonna all be gone when we become one again .
cant nothin stop me .