i don't trust people .
i have a huge trust issue which is why you never hear me talk about any
new males in my life .
always just zahkeem then james .
that's it and that's all .
other guys try to talk to me but i dnt even feel like putting effort
into it because i know what they want and i don't want that .
i don't trust males .
i don't trust females .
i don't trust shit .
its a natural instinct now and idc .
im happy with where im at .
yeaa , im single . but im content with who I've been with long enough to
but ever since my trust w. james got idk interrupted
im still working on putting myself back to that place where i feel safe
from getting hurt .
its gonna take awhile but it doesn't really affect our relationship bc i
still trust him as a person .
i love him enough to trust him even tho we been through shit .
i trust him enough to not let me down .
but i still have some insecurities and i just realized it .
im working on it . i have to get out of this gf state of mind .
yea he asked to marry me but we still aren't back together .
and i know until we get back together i wont feel secure .
and its hard for me but im im really working on it .
i would do anything for us to work .
bc i know he's what i need . he's my motivation .
he's younger than me but his focus is inspiring .
it makes me wanna work harder .
were back on no talking terms .
not bc we dnt want to but bc he needs time to grow & get his life back
we didn't talk at all today & i wanna cry cus i miss him soo bad .
i know he's been spending time with his bbymma lately
and i can't be trippin cus
one . we not together .
two . i know they don't want each other ( well to tha last of my
& three . idk.
im just trusting that things wont fall apart again .
this is all the time i have .
his baby'll be here in january .
then i know after that things are gonna change .
i can accept that tho , bc i know how much his son means to him & i
would never try to interfere with that .
i just hate feeling insecure when i know he's with someone else he has
love for , cus although i know how much he loves me .
i worry abt they're love becoming stronger .
i have soo much faith in our relationship coming back together .
especially after this last incident wit that one female that i don't
respect , but im not gonna get into that cus idc enough abt her to waste
my talking time .
but i feel like our relationship is where its at for a reason & our love
is strong enough to last .
& if he feels like he could marry me !
that's like a dream come true .
and like i knooooow were not getting married anytime soon .
but that's perfectly fineee . i want our lives to be right .
i wanna have a real wedding . i wanna have a real life .
but to be able to feel like someone wants to spend their life with me ,
makes me wanna cry .
i never thought id find someone to love me back the way i love .
i don't even know HOW i fell soo in love with him .
but im sooooooooo in love right now .
just talking about it right now is making me fckin cry
and i dnt have any control over it .
its not like im sad , im just overwhelmed with emotion lol .
im touched . im loved .
i don't know if i could handle losing it at this point .
im in too deep .
it scares me , cus if things don't work or i lose him
its gonna ruin my life .
its such a main factor to my happiness .
and they say never put someone in control of your happiness or youll
always be left unhappy .
but he's not in control of it , he's just beneficial to it .
his happiness is beneficial to mines .
without him im soooooooo unhappy .
but im maintaining cus i have faith .
its kind of sad , but i can't really control how i feel .
my feelings are soo far gonee .
i wasn't tryna write a whole story lol
but im just feelin kinna down right now .
im feelin sick & i can't sleep cus i keep thinkin about my trust and
insecurities and love .
im workingg on it thoooo .
i really am .
cus its gonna all be gone when we become one again .
cant nothin stop me .