29.9.09

what's L0VE got to do with it ?

not a got damn thang ! at all .
you know I've heard that almost all my life & i jusst now understand it
.
were done i guess .

*insert aww`s or handclaps here*

yea , apparantly he figured out todaay that he wants to be with her .
you know his "friend" . yea . right .
why doesn't he wanna be with me anymore ?
i guess " our relationship hasn't been tha same since we got back
together " and " all we been doin is hurtin each other " and " his heart
is tellin him our relationship is never gonna work " .

aint that bout a bitch .
NEVER gonna work ?? it could've . it wouldve .
so yea . whatever . my intuition was correct .
as alllwaaays .
and im mad bc im ALWAYS FUCKN RIGHT !!
can i be proven wrong !?? like damn .
i don't fuckin care anymore .
like im done with boyfriends and heartbreak .
i wouldnt be so affected if it wasn't back to back .
but i guess that's my fault for going frm one relationship into another
.
but to be completely honest .
the way i felt when he first told me he wanted to be with her .
i wanted to say i hate you .
i don't hate him , but i hated him at that moment .
if he was in front of me i prolly wouldve hit him .
i was that angry .
i just signed off .
we talked and that didn't help .
im mad and confused and hurt .
ughhh .

i took a shower so i could cry in peace & i literally stood in tha same
spot for 30 mins just crying . i couldn't move . i didn't even touch tha
soap til i was already wrinkled .
i never understood what it felt like in those movies when girls just
break down n tha shower crying .
i felt that . i cryed hard , like someone died .
and something did , my heart .
i had soo many questions running thru my mind .
why does this always happen to me ?
what am i doing wrong ?
why can't i be loved the way i love?
wtf is wrong with me !?
likee i hate feelin like this
it happens eveeerytime , and ppl never understand why i act the way i do
, why im so insecure .
its bc im scared of wtf just happened .
its inevitable . and i realized love don't have shit to do with it .
im misunderstood .
i think i misunderstand love . either that or im not being loved right
.
cus i swear things should've been different .
i try soo hard and have soo much faith in my relationships . id do
anything to make them work .
and i don't mean forcing it .
i wanna be with someone who wants to be with me .
i don't wanna be cheated on , lied to , played , neglected none of that
shit .
i just wanna be happy .
and i guessssss that's not meant for me right now .

im soo off love .
im good .
they say don't take your anger out on love .
but fuck that love didn't save me did it .?
yea im young but its unfair to me that im bout to be 21 and never had a
real happy relationship .
i wanna cry again writing this bc i feel so stupid .
like he was so different . he was my friend first and i knew him . he
was perfect for me . . .
i feel bamboozled .
not that he lied about his love bc i know that he does .
but its so unfortunate for my heart , bc after i finallly loved him with
all of me , no loving anyone else .
it gets broke . all of it .
like mann yall don't even understand how i feel .
i told yall i was scared . and he knew that and he fckn assured me not
to be .
smh . right .
now yall see why i dnt believe promises . i no longer hold my breathe
for shit . bc in all of 12 hours his feelins for me changed .
bc i swear when he called and woke me up this morning he wasn't tellin
me none of that shit .
im angry but im not only bc i knew it was gonna happen.
im disappointed bc out of alll people I NEVER EVR EVR EVR EVER thought
he would do me like he just did . i never trusted no nigga wit my heart
or my life the way i did with him .
like im not over exaggerating when i say my heart feels broken . my
chest gets tight and feels like it dropped n my stomach .
i don't even think me and z`s breakup hurt me this bad .
but i don't wanna cry . i gotta be strong for me . cus that's the only
person i got . its just me for now on .
im cool off niggas for a cool min . esp tha sweet jellie . cus after 2
heartbreaks im at mean & heartless .
i warned yall . bt im now in full effect . idgaf .
i just want my career . my car . and my place .

as far as james .
he wants to still be friends BUT
i can't do it .
i keep tryna be his friend , but i can't succeed .
i love him too fuckin much .
he said we started that way so hopefull we can end tha same .
but fck that . we STARTED that way , that was the beginning .
i gave him my heart , and all of me if i could .
i can't backtrack my feelins .
i could try to be his friend but it would just leave me in secret
heartache . & i don't wanna feel that .
i really hope that girl was worth it .
funny 3 days ago he told me she wasn't , but everythings different now
.
whatever . i hope he's happy .
ill find mines, eventually .

2 comments:

.domo. said...

this is one of the worst feelings in the world. :/ i been ther so i can imagine how its hurting you :[ it was stupid of him to just give up. i hope you arent blaming yourself too.

quynnief.baybee said...

:( .... i dnno if we can leave opinions..but in my opinion i feel like all along he knew wat he wantedd.and he just stuck around not to hurt u cuz he loves or has love for u(not to sure) dont give up ON LOVE THOUGH.with every relationship we grow and mature ad realize things tht we want and do not..we learn ourselves and learn wat we expect from someone. i dnt kno if u go to church or believe in god but i was tlkin to my minister in church about this.cuz i feel like niggas aint shit lmao..she told me tht she was single for a loonngggg timmeeenbefore she found someone and ittook a long time forrr herrr to find someone..sometimes we look and we try to make things work tht cannot work but we allow our heart to get in the way.which is not always wat we shuld do. someitmes our brain is smarter. and u had a feeling.and although u didnt go with it. now u kno tht womens intution iss right.95 percent f the time. im blabbin now but wat im saying is take time to evaluate urself.make a list of ur exes and write down why yall rboke up qualities u likd and disliked. and see what matches up..sometimes its us. when WE look we get shittt. and after tht if u decide to tlak to other ppl see if they exude those qualities tht did not work for ur other realtionships. if so stop it there. or just relax be by urself..get to kno urself.ejoy ur life he wants to be with her go ahead.i think ur pretty and smart and have a lot of love to give (no homo lol) and any guy tht gets u will be lucky. let him be with her..wait a while then go see him be friends..and then hell see u..ull lookin ohdee bad.and hell get tight..and ull be smiling lol..feeeelll betterrrr though..seriously. :)