deep emotions .

* sigh .

im miserable .
im not trying to be , im trying really hard not to be .
but its harder than i thought .
i gotta stop blogging about my love life just on the strength everytime
i do the opposite happens .
i think im jinxing it .
fuuuuuuuuck .
i don't know what to do with myself .
im doing too much thinking .
i haaate when i do this .
distance makes me inferior .
im getting insecure and i shouldn't be .
im trying to trust what he told me , but damn
he's told me things before and then something happened .
he knows i lost his trust . . .
and its really hard bc now in the back of my mind im hoping the same
thing doesn't happen again .
there's no guarantee everythings gonna work out and i feel like im on a
merry go round .
like im blogging about the same shit over and over .
i just hate how inferior i feel now .
once upon a time i was so confident i was his girl , his world .
i was what he wanted and i knew i was all he cared about.
now its not the same . i know he still loves me . but he loves other
girls .
he's unsure , im not all he wants but he's willing to try .
then he's unsure he should be trying with anyone .
and as much as i respect that and wanna give him his space . .
its hard on me .
i really miss him .
i guess i should be thankful i got that hour convo before we parted .
but now i just miss him even more .
i wish i had more control over my feelings .
i wish i could not care as much , love less .
but all i know how to do is give love .
that's gonna always be my greatest downfall , bc once i fall .
im down . heart wide open in love .
this is only my 2nd time falling in love and this is way more intense
then my 1st .
maybe whoever i fall in love with next could be more ?
but i really doubt that .
i want our past back .
i haaaate this insecure feeling .
i feel like im putting so much strain on the relationship we have left
bc i wanna go bck to being the one and only so bad again .
i never wanted to feel insecure about us .
im not insecure abt the way i love him bc i know the way i love him is
supreme .
bt im insecure abt the way he loves me . . .
he loves me enough to wanna try again , to end things with her , to keep
loving me through everything we been through .
but im insecure bc i know im nt the only one he loves .
i don't have all his love or heart anymore .
and i want that back . i want us back . i want our spark back . i want
our happiness back . i want our all day convos back . i wanna go back to
when we 1st fell in love when things weren't this complicated .
but im not gonna give up . i can't break bc i need to make it through
this .
in the end were either gon make it or break .
and either way i have to be able to handle it .
ill fight to the end of the world for him .
anything & everything he wants & needs , im there .
that's what love is all about . loyalty of the heart .
his happiness is essential to my happiness .
& that's why i know he'll never find another love like mines .
i can put his happiness before mines bc without his mines is non
existant .
my eyes are tearing up and im not even saying anything .
but that's my love for him . he no longer has my heart , he is my heart
take him away , you take away my heartbeat .
give him back , & you give me back my life .


KLASH said...

The crazy thing is.. I feel you one hundred percent.. i was in that same situation recently.. only i was your BF.. mine was a lil diff tho.. i was only unsure because she told me she didnt love me anymore.. then she changed her mine like a month later.. she says she is in love with me and she didnt mean it.. but still it hurt me so much that i was like eff it all.. so yea im unsure about her.. so INSTEAD of playing with her feelings and leading her on.. Im going to let her go.. cause i dont feel the same anymore.. i thought about it long and hard.. i jsut dont feel it nomore.. that "spark" is gone.. its sad really.. but what im supposed to do.. I cant string her along.. So take my advice whatever you do dont tell him you dont love him.. and he better not say it to you.. cause thats one thing that you CANT take back. its too deep.. ok darling im praying for you and i wish yall luck. peace and lovo.

KLASH said...

Smile. its gonna be ok. still got alot of life to live.