deep emotions .

* sigh .

im miserable .
im not trying to be , im trying really hard not to be .
but its harder than i thought .
i gotta stop blogging about my love life just on the strength everytime
i do the opposite happens .
i think im jinxing it .
fuuuuuuuuck .
i don't know what to do with myself .
im doing too much thinking .
i haaate when i do this .
distance makes me inferior .
im getting insecure and i shouldn't be .
im trying to trust what he told me , but damn
he's told me things before and then something happened .
he knows i lost his trust . . .
and its really hard bc now in the back of my mind im hoping the same
thing doesn't happen again .
there's no guarantee everythings gonna work out and i feel like im on a
merry go round .
like im blogging about the same shit over and over .
i just hate how inferior i feel now .
once upon a time i was so confident i was his girl , his world .
i was what he wanted and i knew i was all he cared about.
now its not the same . i know he still loves me . but he loves other
girls .
he's unsure , im not all he wants but he's willing to try .
then he's unsure he should be trying with anyone .
and as much as i respect that and wanna give him his space . .
its hard on me .
i really miss him .
i guess i should be thankful i got that hour convo before we parted .
but now i just miss him even more .
i wish i had more control over my feelings .
i wish i could not care as much , love less .
but all i know how to do is give love .
that's gonna always be my greatest downfall , bc once i fall .
im down . heart wide open in love .
this is only my 2nd time falling in love and this is way more intense
then my 1st .
maybe whoever i fall in love with next could be more ?
but i really doubt that .
i want our past back .
i haaaate this insecure feeling .
i feel like im putting so much strain on the relationship we have left
bc i wanna go bck to being the one and only so bad again .
i never wanted to feel insecure about us .
im not insecure abt the way i love him bc i know the way i love him is
supreme .
bt im insecure abt the way he loves me . . .
he loves me enough to wanna try again , to end things with her , to keep
loving me through everything we been through .
but im insecure bc i know im nt the only one he loves .
i don't have all his love or heart anymore .
and i want that back . i want us back . i want our spark back . i want
our happiness back . i want our all day convos back . i wanna go back to
when we 1st fell in love when things weren't this complicated .
but im not gonna give up . i can't break bc i need to make it through
this .
in the end were either gon make it or break .
and either way i have to be able to handle it .
ill fight to the end of the world for him .
anything & everything he wants & needs , im there .
that's what love is all about . loyalty of the heart .
his happiness is essential to my happiness .
& that's why i know he'll never find another love like mines .
i can put his happiness before mines bc without his mines is non
existant .
my eyes are tearing up and im not even saying anything .
but that's my love for him . he no longer has my heart , he is my heart
.
take him away , you take away my heartbeat .
give him back , & you give me back my life .