so on with my present thoughts .
i been smoking allll weekend trying to keep my thoughts off of things .
i tlked to him a brief moment last night & it didn't even feel like he
wanted to talk to me .
but idk , maybe that was just me .
im getting tired .
i feel like maybe i should just say bye & let him go .
i gotta stop holding on so tight to whts not mine .
they always say know your worth . know you worth .
i always choose to settle bc im comfortable with what makes me happy .
with what im used to making me happy .
i love james . and he's worth me .
but i feel like im in competition for his love now .
I've hurt him in the past but after everything we've been through i
don't feel like i should have to fight to keep it .
i wish people understood how much i love , how hard .
i think its taken for granted .
but what can i really do about it .
at this point i just feel like giving up .
he knows how much i love him . what more can i do .
i can't even show him , i can't even see him .
he wants his space so im giving him that .
and in this space i feel like this is gonna be for tha worst , for me at
i rarely dislike people . i very rarely hate people .
but i haate that girl . i do .
she interrupted my happinesss .
and i can't blame it all on her bc he had just as much to do with it .
but why did she have to fall in love with the man im in love with ?
why did he fall in love with her back?
why do i feel so disrespected .?
im angry . it aint shit i can do about it .
i feel like im losing his love .
he doesn't feel the spark btwn us anymore cus he feels it btwn them .
i can't even try to fix it . & its killing me .
maybe i should just leave him alone and let him be happy with her .
i feel just ughhh , defeated !
some bitch always comes along and steals what i worked so hard to keep
or love .
i can't be mad about zahkeem & his new gf bc i left zahkeem in order to
pursue my love for james .
& i don't regret it . but maybe i fucked up fate .
maybe i was supposed to stay with zahkeem & james was supposed to try
things with his babys mom .
maybe i was selfish trying to figure out who i loved more being
inconsiderate to their feelings .
he hasn't felt our spark . . .
that means since we got back together again in august .
that means he's been unsure for this many months .
that's how i left his heart open to be took .
how did i manage to fuck that up?
i swear i have the worst luck with fucking up the things that make me
and the fact im always left without being able to fight for what i wanna
im helpless .
how do i fight for him without pushing him away if he wants space ?
how do i keep his love full and nt lose it to her .
im figuring i should let him go before he chooses who he wants and it
might nt possibly be me .
bc if he should choose her over me again , im literally gonna have a
heart failure and die frm severe heartbreak .
so im just let go now , and if he decides im the girl he wants then ill
be happy . if not , then I've already put my guard up to lessen my
these are my thoughts at the moment .
maybe they'll change maybe they wont .
i need lovee . i miss it . i want it back , the way i used to have it .
ill be back sooner then later .