october twentyfifth .

i don't even know why i go through this .
if i wasn't in love i woulda been gave up .
if i could control my emotions i woulda been let go .
im beginning to get mad at myself for letting myself fall so far in love
.
but going through things only made me love him more .
i didn't intentionally make myself fall this in love .
i still remeber when i didn't love him the way he loved me .
i still remeber feeling bad bc i felt how much he loved me and i knew i
didn't love him back the same .
sometimes i wonder how things wouldve been different if i loved him this
much when he first fell in love with me and we were happy .
smh .
im ruining us .
i feel like i love him too much now and its pushing him away .
like im scaring him bc he's nt ready for it .
i wish i could take it back but now im in too deep .
and now im just a mess .
were supposed to be focusing on ourselves rightnow .
and everytime i focus on myself i just cry .
im depressed .
i hate focusing on myself cus i hate my life .
aint shit for me to fix .
i can think and think and try to figure things out
bt they don't bring me solutions they bring me more worries.
they say focus on self happiness .
but him making me happy , helps me to keep myself happy .
its ass backwards but it works for me .
because im so unhappy by myself .
people don't understand it tho .
its like , im wrong for not havin self happiness .
but i do have it . its just very low .
i don't have shit to be happy about in my life .
everything starts to feel like a chore .
i wake up and go to skool on time everyday .
i don't have to but i do .
i do all my homework , i dnt have to but i do .
there would be no purpose in going to skool if i didn't strive for A's
.
but that's only one aspect of my life .
i barely have friends .
i don't hang out on the weekends .
why? bc its not fun anymore .
what changes ? yu smoke , yu drink , yu find new niggas .
its old .
i dnt WANT new niggas !
idgaf about a new nigga .
he can't do shit for me .
life aint shit like it used to be .
im tryna get my life back .
i can't even get my man back :(
but i know what im waiting on .
im just tired of wearing my ♥ on my sleeve .
i wanna roll it up .
its hard .
im feelin so low right now .
i just wanna cry as a release .
i dnt have the privacy to cry tho so ima just hold it til later .
im tired .
of life .
sometimes i regret life .
im mad i have a negative hold on life now cus
i lost everything positive i had .
im tryna get em back but its hard when yu don't even
really have any interest in life . . .
guess that's just a personal problem .