17.10.09

sometimes . . .

i wanna die .
but instead i just cry . . .
I've thought about dying since abt the 6th grade
but not suicidal enough to ever try to kill myself .
i dnt wanna feel pain before i die .
i feel enough while im alive.
i feel bad for wanting to die
that can't be right , cus sometimes i wanna live
& see what life a be like when its right .
im tired of the wrong .
everyday is another sad ass song .
im so unhappy that i can cry at any moment .
im fragile . more sensitive then i ever been in my whole life .
nothing really makes me happy anymore bc its always something right
behind it to break it back down .
i love more than anything to be in love .
but the downside makes me wish i couldn't feel it .
im on a emotional rollercoaster & i can't even get off .
i can't blame anything on him bc i already know the reality of things .
i just can't stick to what i said long enough to ever get over it .
i say , im just gonna stop tlkin to him and let him do him .
then i see his smile in my mind and remeber how i love you sounds when
he says it and i forget .
i can't escape frm my emotions , & they're sriving me crazy .
i can't stop feeling how i feel & im starting to feel like soon ima look
crazy .
but im completely sane .
just lost in love and nothings the same .
i have to wait to get the love i need .
bc i feel like im losin the love i want .
im mad at myself for not being able to control my feelins the way i want
to .
i don't wanna argue or get jealous or get mad or feel bossy
and i don't wanna ruin what we have left bc of it .
i just wanna cryyy .
and its not evn bc of him but bc idk what's wrong with me anymore .
i been thru so much in my lifee and i can't understand why im so
insecure abt myself .
when i was little ppl used to tell me i was pretty and to myself i would
think what are they seeing that i dnt see ?
i dnt think i actually considered myself pretty til the 10th grade .
i never called myself ugly .
bt i didn't think i was pretty .
& sometimes i get insecure to the girls the boys i like , like bcus if
their pretty i feel like maybe they think they're prettier than me .
i was overweight when i was little
& i got talked abt like most lil fat kids .
kids are so cruel .
so I've alwaays been insecure abt my body and my weight .
and even tho ppl don't see me as fat . i still see fat .
i hateee my body .
and I've learned to love certain parts but im not confident enough to
just walk around naked .
how do you fix an insecurity complex ?
this can't be the only reason im unhappy with life
im unhappy with my life .
im 21 years old & don't have shit .
no job . no car . no money . no place . no clothes . no friends . SHIT
.
if i lost my mom , my whole world would die bc she's the only person
that takes care of me & i hate it .
my moms on disability & i nver ask her for anything even tho i know she
would give me the world .
and it breaks my heart bc i know im old enough to take care of myself
& i should be helping take care of her .
my life feels pointless .
i feel like i keep losing my bf bc i dnt have a car and i can't see him
the way i want to .
if i had a car i don't think we woulda fell apart like we did .
or maybe it was inevitable , bt i still feel like its partly my fault .
other bitches he tlk to have cars & wht abt me ?
im older and i dnt have shit .
i cnt do shit .
i feel helpless .
like wtf can i do , aint no competition cus i already lost .
im mad that my life fell apart like this . i had half of everything i
needed when i was 18 , minus tha car and minus a man .
and i always hated not having a real bf . bc both my bestfriends were in
love and had bf's and i didn't .
to this day I've never had a real relationship .
I've never been on a real date .
I've never been treated and spoiled .
I've never been spent on .
I've never got to actually love someone the way i reeally want to .
& i fucking H A T E it .
all i wanna do is give lovee , & its soo hard to give .
all i wanna do is be lovedd , & its soo hard to keep .
i can't make love be my first priority .
& its not .
myself should be my 1st priority .
& school is .
that's the only thing im doing for myself .
but i feel like im gonna fall apart before i ever get to enjoy the
luxuries of education & career .
im still growing .
ill never stop bc life is a growing experience .
bt sometimes i feel like i learned enough to not wanna grow anymore .
people say look to the future ! its greater later !
but how am i gonna be happy abt my future when i can't even get thru the
present ?
ughhhhhhh .
man i just got soo much shit off my chest rigght now
i feel like a weights been lifted , bt i still wanna cry .
my sadness is turning into anger .
and i dnt want it to .
i dnt wnna be an angry person .
i dnt wanna be bitter .
i wannna be happy .
i wanna love .
& i wanna have a life .
that's it , that's all .
im gonna work on loving myself more .
im gonna work on channeling my emotions .
im gonna work on letting go .
im gonna work on letting life happen .
bc im getting too tired .
tired of life , tired of pain , tired of crying , tired of tryna be
happy when im really sad , tired of laughing when i really wanna cry .
tired of wishing i would go to sleep and die .
just tireed !
i guess we gotta work to be happy .
nothings free in lifee . . . not even self happiness .
on that note im fenna knck out .
im done .

1 comment:

Sarah Lael Caracter said...

HELLLLA LOVE TO THIS POST!

its like you explainin what im feeelin!

keeep doin ya thang.

♥lAlA