thoughts before bed .

i took sleeping pills .
& i still can't sleep .
i wishh i was highh
so i could cry on clouds .
smoke away my stress & worries .
i wanna sleep my life away .
that's preety much death .
im layin here cryin to myself
bc i can't figure out why i wanna be dead .
why do i wanna give up?
why don't i care enough about life to wanna live ?
why do i put other peoples happiness before mines ?
i can keep crying but its never gonna change anything .
im so hurt my heart hurts , literally .
its tight .
im slowly losing everything .
& when i have nothing .
i wont care to have something .
i refuse to be on anti depressants , or any other drugs .
i reefuuuuuse .
i will noot be a drug user .
will not ever happen .
my family is full of addictions
im nt joining tht band wagon .
so dnt suggest seeing a pychiatrist .
ill stick to smoking my blunt & crying myself to sleep .
i guess thts my therapy .
i don't have anyone to tlk to except you guys
they wont understand .
gonna tell me some shit i dnt wanna heaar .
i dnt even feel comfortable tlking to james
cus i know how much he hates it .
even tho i know he's gonna read this .
i hate how i feel bt i feel insecure tlking abt it bc i dnt want ppl to
llook at me & judge me .
bc im nt crazy .
and that's the 1st thing everyone wants to think .
im miserable . and im wrking on it .
i need someone to be there
bt i feel so alone .
i hate this feeling .
im fenna go get a therapiast for anxiety tho .
my anxiety interferes with my life too much .
i worry entirely too much & idk how to let go .
i dnt hate myself .
i love being me .
i love people loving me .
i just hate how i feel .
misunderstood & confused .
lost & misused .
the people i love keep me alive .
bc i knw how much i would hurt them if i died .
and i dnt wanna be responsible for that .
if i lose them , i lose myself .
im fenna finish crying myself to sleep tho , im tired .

& to my james de`von . im ssry & iloveyou .

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