6.11.08

its;z juss LiFE. smhh.

lemme juss takee uhh moment to breathee. beforee i qoo onn and onn about uhh bunchh of shxt yall dont evenn understandd, or better yet cant evenn relatee to.

im irritated. now. later. before. after. today. tomorrow. yesterday. lass week. next week. evry mtfckn day!

i dont knoww whyy. i just am. everythinq irritates me. EVERytHiNG! i never used to be this irritatedd. but im startinq to think im just plainn frustratedd with lifee.

i hatee myy lifee. the situationn im inn. im disappointedd in myself for lettinq myself stoop downn this low. im a fckin lowlifee. && OUT the CUTS thoo!

if yuu kneww anqelica backk in hiqh school yuu wouldd NEVVVVERRRRRR EVERRRRR think that she'd bee 20 years oldd withh no lifee. no job. not in school. just depressed and miserablee.
i havee few friends becausee i let them all qo. && as the days pass i wanna let moree qo. idc anymoree. i spend the majorityy of myy timee withh my cuzinns whichh is finee. but noww i just want spacee. time alonee....that i havee NONE of....

myy onlyy happy aspect to myy lifee...thats actually brinqs joy is the lovee of myy lifee. zahkeem<3. ive talkedd about him previouslyy. but yuu quys could never evenn understand HOW MUCH he means to mee. cuz i dont even understand it. its likee.....sincee hes the onlyy thing that brinqs me happiness...all myy happiness depends onn himm. && i knoww it shouldnt bee that wayy but thats how its becomee.

every little thinq matters to me. and it either brings me upp or brinqs me downn. ive NEVER caredd so muchh about what anyone did. or how they mattered to me. this is new to me. its confusinq. its sadd.

&& i feel likee everyone elsee in my lifee always has somethinq neqativee to sayy about himm.
&&that just pisses me the fuck off. cuz they dont evenn know himm. theyy knoww of himm. nobodyy knows himm like mee. peoplee are juss talkinn shxt cuz thats all theyre qood at. nobodyy wants to see jelliee in lovee and happy. whyy? cuz theyy all miserablee with they fckinn life! && idgaf what anyone has to say about SHXT! i lovee himm to the deathh of mee. if yuu disaqree thenn keep tht shxt pushhinn on some reall ass shxt. i can handlee my own ups && downs. my ownn heart. myy ownn lifee. live yers...

3 simplee ass things wouldd make me happy--

1. employment; ive NEVER been this brokee in my fuckinn lifee.
2. school; i wanna qo baaackkkkk.
3. livee happily w. myy bby; hes myy everythinq. lifee wouldnt be complete w/o himm :/

thesee shouldd be three eassyyyy ass thinqs to accomplishh. especially byy someone of myy standards. but where i fuckinn livee. my situationn. everythinq is fuckinn aqainst me makinn it twicee as hardd.

i movedd frm the bay area to socal to "start over" && so farr startedd on the wronnnnq foot.
i wanna movee againn. but not BACK to the bayy. [i refusee to qo back until i accomplishh what i intended] but i wanna movee awayyyy from where im at. a new place. new things. new oppurtunities. new ppl. new beqinninqs.

i know i can do it. thats a definate, but where i stand now...im discouraqed &&no lonqer even tryinqq. thats just a disappointment to myself.

nobodyy cann fixx myy lifee but mee. but i need that qivenn.
qivee me a new startinq point whichh actually i think mayy be cominq soon....

from theree....one step at a time to be where i wanna be....

2 comments:

ariele said...

wow i went thru the exact same thing. slowly getting over it. the best thing to down is to not get down on urself about it. u know what u need to do so make it happen mama.

j e l l i e b e a n c u h k z. said...

:] thankiees loveee.