take it for what it is .

I've finally come to terms with reality .
you gotta take everything for what it is .
which usually isn't shit .
i don't know why i even told anybody i considered not living anymore .
bc now ill have a weight of guilt if i try to .
i could be selfish , but im not that heartless .
two people have practically begged me to stay
sooooooooooo ,
i guess im fuckin stuck .
smh .
but you know what i realized , a lot of times some shit you watch can
really strike you .
art imitates life .
idk how many ppl actually enjoy madea plays lol
bc yoou either love her or hate her buut
i was watching madea goes to jail (the play) and towards the end when
tha husband is all bent up bc his wife been cheatin wit his boss and he
find out that bby aint his ,
madea gives this loooong speech about love and life that really opened
my eyes .
not to sound cliche` but a lot of shit hit me that i should've been
realized .
like she says , "if someone wants to walk out on you , let em leave .
especially if you know youve given them everything you could . . ." and
then she says "sometimes we try to hold on to things god's really tryna
pull us away frm "
and it was jus like hmmm ...
damn .
i swear to you no lie . love really is blind .
I've been in this relationship faithfully .
but I've always looked at it as soo perfect tht even when shit fucks up
i take it , deal with it , fix it , and continue .
i never sit and consider how wrong it waas to me bc i never felt like he
would do me wrong .
but then its been so much on my mind lately than im thinking of all kind
of shit i never thought about .
like even tho im "his heart"
i never thought about the fact tht he's hurt his bbymma and that girl in
a fight for his heart (bc they both love him) but i never considered
what it meant to me bc im the person that always wins and keeps his
heart in the end .
its like when your messin wit a nigga thts cheating on his gf and tellin
yu how he wants you to be his girl .
suree , maybe he does but if he's cheating with yu on her then that
means he qualifies to cheat on yo ass with the next bitch .
i never could see him hurting me or losing his heart.
and i haven't bc he still does do a lot of shit tht lets me know he
still cares and loves me .
but idk why i thought we could never go wrong .
and i mean we've gone wrong plenty of times but the fact that we've
always come back together made me feel like our relationship was meant
to be . and im finally facing the fact it might not be as good as im
making it seem .
yes . were compatible . we dnt break up cus we dnt get along ,
we don't break up cus of other people,
we don't break up cus its nt working ,
we break up bc his heads not where it should be .
i guess you can't have a newborn and a gf ???

*blankstare , then shrugs shoulders*

whatever .
evryone keeps saying let it go jellie , just let it go .
and i know tht i need to but its just nt as easy as i want it to be .
this aint like givin away your last 20 bucks .
im tryna let go of someone tht been in my life for tha past year and 4
months . everyday . for the most part .
im losing a piece of me . a huge piece .
he says one day we might end up back together , yu never know but damn
who's to say we'll still feel tha same months or years frm now .
i guess if its truly meant for us to be together then we will be so its
no reason to stress it .
but the emotional end of it is haard .
nope , lifes not over .
nope , he's not the only bomb nigga in the world .
he's definately not the only nigga that wants to be w. me cus i could
name 5 right now of the top of my head .
but he's the person that has my ♥ .
regardless of the fact he broke it .
im still pissed off about it , i can't lie & act like im not bc i cnt
believe he did me like this again .
i gave him everything i have and its still nt enough to make him stay .
if yu had a girl tht would ride thru thick and thin , high and low ,
rich or poor , good or bad , pain or pleasure, thru everything ! would
yu chance losing her ?? prolly not .
but it happened . and complaining about it wont change tha situation .
it'll always be i love you , im sorry .
im sorry ....
i say sorry so much i dnt even know why i say it half the time.
sorry don't really mean much of anything .
it helps a little , but it doesn't take away what happened or make the
pain go away .
its like a bandaid til the scab starts to form .
it just covers the wound , helps yu forget about the pain til u
naturally heal and forget about it .
everyone says god has a plan , he does everything for a reason.
but idk if its god that has me so in love or just my mind .
i feel like why did he make us fall so in love if we'ree not even
compatible at the moment .
maybe this was just another lesson in love .
or maybe its just tha beginning of a lifelong commitment.
maybe his bbymma getting pregnant even tho they weren't together BEFORE
we got together was my cue our relationship wasn't gonna be perfect like
we planned .
but life doesn't stop bc of a baby .
im not tht shallow tht i had to stop loving him bc he got another girl
pregnant BEFORE we were together .
after would be another story , but i could deal .
i never realized how strong i am in relationships . ican put up with or
deal w. damn near anything (if i really want to). im solid if its where
i wanna be bc i keep my ♥ in it.
but now im so drained its like damn .
im weak .
why am i so weak?
smh . i just need skool and a job , then ill be too occupied to even be
concerned .
out of those 5 guys i could name i dnt wanna fuck any of em . and they
don't really have much to offer beside prolly a cute face and some dick
, some have money and cars some don't bt thts nt what's impt .
i need a man w. depth .
that's why me and james were so good , i connected with him not only
physically and emotionally but mentally .
we could talk about anything and everything and he always found a way to
make me smile or laugh .
even when i was upset .
these niggas aren't even phasing me . not now anyways ,
so what am i really missing?
i guess as much as id like to be 'love' isn't really for me right now .
i don't feel as tho ill ever completly heal or stop lovin james de`von
simply bc he's my 1st real love

( i know i said tht about z lol , but foreal . after everything tht
happened in tht relationship yu realize that wasn't really love . but i
wont deny the fact that i did love him . it just wasn't real like i
thought .)

i digress ...
idk what god has planned but i guess since im stuck w. life i dnt have a
choice bt to wait and find out .
i hope he has something good planned out . i honestly don't wanna look
back on all this and smh at myself at how dumb i sounded lol . cus im so
serious about how i feel .. . .bt that's now . we'll see how i feel a
few weeks from now .
overall , you live , you love , and yu learn . nite loves .