late nights .

i constantly have to face my thoughts .
but it doesn't really get bad until its time for me to go to bed.
the tv goes off , lights go out , & my brain goes into overdrive smh.
its 4:33 , if i dnt find something to soothe me and take my thoughts
away id be up til the sun rises .
which i am every blue moonn .
i find my comfort in praying . i don't have anyone else to tlk to so i
guess you can't go wrong with god .
i repent for my mistakes and pray for help and forgiveness .
im not the holiest person , and i wont ever pretend i am bc their are
times i doubt gods wonders . and god forgive me but i guess thts tha
devil taking advantage .
gods blessed me with life and i wanna take it away .
what bigger sin could i possibly commit .
but i ask for his strength bc one day i will be happy and where i wanna
be and it'll mean so much more to me bc of the shit I've been through .
I've been ok ....for the most part .
i was doing good w.out him .
then he came back today , his baby was born yesterday .
(happybirthdaylove :])
i was naturally happy for him bc thts something so beautiful, i love
babies .
but at the same time it was a pain and jealousy i couldn't explain .
i wished i could've shared that happiness w. him .
i wish i had a baby , someone to love me and need me .
but its not me . i don't have a baby and im nt his bm .
i just thought about how he's prolly so happy spending time with his bby
and bbymma right now , while im still over here heartbroken and
recovering .
how selfish is that?
im not even hating tho . im happy for him and his bm . i wanna see my
(ex) stepson .
he's a part of james so ima love him regardless .
i guess it just hurts that we can't share our love that way .
if i was his bm , we wouldnt have as many problems .
well i cnt say tht for sure bt i would hope we wouldnt .
but then again , im nt his bm so moving along . . .
talking to him just brought back everything i was trying to forget .
i wanted to cry and i haven't cried in idk how many days .
he thanked me for always being there and keeping him up and helping him
to be a better man .
i could take that and appreciate it .
i just wish things wouldve worked out differently .
i can't explain why my eyes well up with tears everytime i think about
us and my throat starts to tighten and burn .
i can't explain why i wont have an appetite for a whole day then keep
eating the next .
i can't explain why as much as i wanna convince myself to let go i still
wanna hold on .
i guess you could label that heartbreak , but who's the doctor for love
and can diagnose tha symptoms for heartbreak ?
its a slow process and im working on it .
i told him to follow his heart.
his bm`s still moving to ny & he doesn't know if he's gonna go bt im
about 90% postive he is .
i told him i cnt expect him to change his life for me and as much as tht
was a lie to my ♥ , it was the truth .
his babys more impt than me so i cnt expect him to wanna stay here bc i
am and were nt even together .
but don't expect him to leave me either .
kinda just a fucked up situation which is why im tryna let go now .
idk how long im gonna deal with this , bt i truly hope tht someday soon
i stop crying everytime i think of what we used to have . . .one min im
smiling and then tha next im crying . wtf happened ?
funny this boy that likes me , tried to convince me tht since he's
having probs with his gf tht we should talk on tha low til we solve our
probs . smh .
i passed . no interest . he's nt fenna help me get over shit and im nt
fenna be tha guinea pig in anybodies relationship . im good .
he then aimed me today to say , tht he was wrong and i should just wait
until james comes back around .a nd to just keep supporting him .
likeeeee ,
you effing wierdo . just stfu .
ughh , i swear niggas be gettin on my nerves .
thts why im accustomed to only tlking to one at a time .
maybe im too serious or technical but oh weell
that's just me .
no . i don't wanna chill with you .
no . i don't wanna let you fuck .
no . i don't wanna send yu no fuckin pictures .
no . i don't wanna let you be my next bf .
and hellll fucking NO , i don't wanna be yo fuckin wifey .
idgaf that "im the type of girl you would wife"
psht . heard it too many times buddy and until someone buys me a ring
and pops it on my ring finger im seriously nt tryna hear tht shit .
i guess i wont be able to move on until i heal bc im completely bitter
and bitchy about everything having to do with a relationship .
i get mad when i see happy couples and babies bc its what i wanted and
dnt have .
i hate dudes tryna get to know me.
i don't wanna build a life or future together .
i dnt wanna help fufill your fantasies .
i don't wanna help yu bust any nuts .
i don't wanna listen to a bunch of bullshit youve told 15 other girls .
i dnt gaf about you liking me , wanting me , loving me bc i DON'T !
i don't even wanna look at you !
i guess this comes with heartbreak but ill get over it , bc no offense
to my bi or lesbian peoples but i wont ever get over penis lol .
i love it entirely too much . ...bt only the ones attached to the person
i love .
i dnt have to have it . if ily and its apart of yu , ilove it too ! lol
.
but yeaa , im done with my thoughts . its 5:08AM and im sleepy .
hopefully tmmws a better day . nite !