somewhere in between. . .

staying and going .
im not sure whether to stay or walk away .
i want to stay , my heart says stay , don't let go , don't walk away. .
but somewhere i wanna give up , i wanna just say its never gonna work ,
im never gonna get what i want so i should stop trying to convince
myself .
but how do i know if i give up that i might miss that opportunity to
have my love and my life ?
but on the other hand , who's to say if i keep trying i wont be just as
heartbroken as i would be if i woulda gave up long time ago . . .
im so so lost .
idk how im supposed to feel , how im supposed to act .
idk what's right , what's wrong .
am i wrong to not wanna give up my heart and fight to stay with my man
even tho that means that he might not be a family with his baby and bm
?
but that's untrue bc i feel like if he's in his life they'll be a family
regardless .
he wanted to be with me . he asked to marry me , he told me he wanted a
family and life WITH ME .
so am i really wrong to be believing in what i was told?
am i wrong to fight for what i feel I've worked hard for ?
im not battling his son . his baby is his and will always be .
he will always come before me and i respect that , a child should .
but i refuse to lose my love bc of it . im his gf , his "wife" .
i shouldn't feel like im losing to his son .
i wanna be there to help him .
im not mad at him having a baby . im not tryna keep him frm his bm ,
that's his family . but his bm is not his girl and i feel if he ever
contemplated it , he should've told me and not made me feel like there
wasn't anymore breaking us .
everytime we get back together were so focused and its like nothing can
break us , we in it til the end then something big falls in his lap and
he's back to being unsure . .
it hurts me . i don't expect him to make promises that's impossible to
keep .
but i don't want him to doubt the ones he made bc shit gets hard .
i never doubt anything he tells me bc i never doubt what i tell him .
im with him thru anything and everything.
so im upset everytime he becomes stressed bc he has to make the right
choice but it alters everything he wanted at first .
i love him to death , i don't even wanna live without him .
and to agree to go without him breaks my ♥ in a billion pieces .
i never wanted to feel like i was a problem or in the way , im just a
seperate situation .
and he never says im in the way . he never says im a problem. i know he
loves me and doesn't wanna hurt me but i can't understand why come
everything falls apart so easily when things get hard . and why our
relationship is always the first thing to be considered to go .
i don't wanna feel selfish , like . . .
am i wrong to still wanna keep my bf even tho he has a baby?
i don't feel like james having a girl robs his son of having a family .
he has his mother , his father , and even me .
i can respect them being a family for his sons sake but im more
concerned about whether he wants to try to have a relationship with his
bm in order to have that . . .
i know he loves he but im unsure as to if he's not with her bc of me ,
like if me and him wasn't together , would they be? or does he really nt
wanna be with her?
i feel like im the only one that's still fighting to keep us , according
to everything we've talked about . he said if he wasn't still fighting
he wouldve been left , but i know he's not sure if he wants to .
i don't want him to .
i feel like if at that moment when he decided he wanted to marry me and
decided i was the girl he wanted to spend the rest of his life with ,
then he knew that no matter what fell in front of us , he wanted to be
with me and we would work through it .
but how do i compete with his son ? and his family ? im not a part of
that , im a separate relationship .
i feel like no one understands how i feel . or supports how i feel . .
everythings about what's best for his son but would i be bad for him ?
ughhhh , im so lost :'(
i feel like james is neglecting everything HE wants bc he wants to make
sure he's making the right choice for his baby . and i can understand
that . i respect that .
but moving to new york to stay close is already a huge step .
leaving the person you love bc of it? it'll still be hard for him. buti
don't wanna let him setlle for that . bc i still wanna be there . but i
can't force him to want me to be in the picture . i don't wanna keep
believing everything he told me or promised me will still happen if he
nt even sure he believes it anymore .
am i dumb to not wanna let go ? to wanna follow my heart bc i know if i
let him leave ill always have a open wound in my heart that'll never
heal?
or should i just break my own heart and sacrifice my own happiness and
let him go and live his life and be happy for him .
nothings ever easy .
i want it to be . i want him to jus say i love you baby and i don't
wanna lose you , i wanna have my son and my wife . but that's just me
fantasizing . . .
cus somethings telling me he's gonna say he loves me but he's tired of
hurting me and needs to give his son a regular home . . . and settle
being in love with his bm instead of keeping the love he already has .
what hurts is that she wants him . and she has all the control right now
. she has his son , she's making the choice to move to ny with his son
and if he moves she's the person he's going to stay with .
she wants my man and it hurts her that he doesn't want her back . but
wtf can i do? im just his gf . the person she wanna be . he said he
wasn't gonna let her bully him out the relationship but her foul ass
guilt trip she's set up is faulty . i don't know how he feels bc he
hasn't explained it to me but somehow i feel like he feels like if he
doesn't try to give his son a "family" feel it'll be diff. . .but they
wont be together his whole life . .bc that's not how he felt to begin
with . but idk these are just what i think , not what i know .
who knows , they might fall madly in love and have a great family , im
not gon hate on it . . .
i just wish i could keep the man that has my ♥ , mind and soul that
I've fought for for a year . i could be engaged and wake up next to him
everymorning . i could live the life we talked about and have the family
we wanted . .
but everything don't work out the way yu plan . . i guess that's just
life .