spoke too soon .

i don't even have any words .
but my intuition was preety on track .
i asked him if i was ruining us or felt like we was about to break up .
he said he felt it too .
he told me to just chill .
i don't know how to feel .
i could feel it cus what we used to do now we don't .
he used to txt me and wake me up every morning .
i miss that .
now i do it but its nt tha same .
i feel like im saying i love you too much .
but when he says it back its "ily2" .
like .
i feel dumb .
i miss him tellin me i love you . maybe i don't deserve one.
i feel like im loving so hard tht im losing myself .
that can't be good .
its kinda how i used to feel with z .
like im giving all my love but no matter how much i give it , it doesn't
change anything .
i can tell him i love you a million times but when does i love you ever
mean more than it already does?
everytime i say i love you . its bc my love just grew that muc more .
but i guess i can't expect someone else to love the same way i do .
my love really is one of a kind .
im not even mad .
i don't even care .
no wait im lying . cus i do care .
i really don't wanna lose our relationship over my insecurities and
that's what breaks down relationships .
man i really wish i had my confidence i had back .
i guess i gotta wait to get it back .
i can get it back .
but it takes time . i just don't know how much time .
i don't wanna lose his love in the process .
im already mad at myself for feeling like this .
i just wannna . . .
go away .
drive away .
go somewhere .
dissappear .
i just need . . .idk what i need . i just don't even wanna feel anymore
. i wanna be numb . and not get hurt and not cry and not get offended
and not be a sensitive ass baby .
i hate being fuckin sensitive .
i shouldn't be this emotional .
i really hate it .
its the little things for me .
they can bring me up or down .
i don't feel like i have anybody anymore .
nobody to listen to me be hurt .
james just reads my blogs now but he doesn't say anything.
he has enough to worry abt then me and my feelins .
prolly tired of how i feel .
my sister doesn't really listen anymore either .
and i dnt share my problems with anyone else ,
so im left with blogging .
i guess yu come in this world by yourself & go out tha same way .
i just want things to go back the way they used to be .