blank stare .

im in pain but i don't really feel it .
im numb .
i just feel blank , my mind draws blanks .
i hate feeling like this .
its driving me crazy .
i can't even find words to describe how i feel .
im at a loss for words , and it baffles me .
iim taking this harder then i ever have before
I've never ever felt like this .
and im really just stuck here all by myself .
aint nobody here to pick me up
and i keep tryna pick myself up but i fall back .
nobody understands how i feel .
they either don't care or they pity me .
i don't want anyones fuckin pity ! i want answers .
as i layed this morning and thought .
my love don't feel the way it used to
i don't know how to get it back .
i realized that the love i have now is what's left from memories and
what left in my heart.
im scared to love him now .
how do you get scared to love the person youve been loving for so long
?
i guess cus our future is a big giant question mark .
the hope and faith i had in us is dwindling bc i no longer have any
control in our future .
everything relys on him and he doesn't even know what he's gonna do .
i guess im keeping myself down so that when worse comes to worse im
already down .
i feel selfish .
he's so happy right now .
its the happiest time in his life , and im truly happy for him .
i don't wanna bring that down . its selfish .
i keep tryna ignore how i feel around him cus maybe ill get better .
i was thinking about why i was jealous the other day ,
and i realized its bc he was under so much stress and it all went away
with the birth of his baby . and im nt mad at that bc i hate to see him
stressed . im so happy he can be happy .
but now that he's happy , im still miserable .
i don't have anyway to make all my pain or problems disappear . i just
have to deal .
i feel so selfish and that makes me feel even worse .
i feel like ughhhh , idk man .
the fact i never felt this way makes me feel so lost .
tryna let go doesn't work . why am i letting go of a love that hasn't
ended .
we still love each other so ....
i guess that doesn't even mean much of anything bc the fact tht we love
each other isn't changing any of the situation .
im not even forcing it .
we need time apart , he's growing .
im growing .
im not begging for him to come back to me .
im just dealing with it .
what scares me is not knowing the future .
that's why my anxiety is so bad .
i hate not knowing what's gonna happen when my feelings are so involved
.
im not mad that im so in love .
im mad that idk what to do now that im in it and shits getting
complicated .
walking away could seem simple but its not .
i don't wanna walk away unless im forced to ...
i feel like im gonna be .
but how do you settle to just be friends with someone your in love with
? knowing that your hearts not gonna let up of that person ?
its not the fact of not being able to not deal with being together , its
the fact idk what's going to happen .
it worries me so i let go . I've been tryna disconnect my feelings . and
im fine for the most part , then i just fall apart .
smhhhhhh .
i feel like I've been broken so many times i can't put myself back to
where i used to be . i don't wanna feel like this .
i wanna go back to the way i used to feel . i wanna start over and feel
complete . i wanna be confident and be happy .
im just talking , none of this even makes sense bc idk how i feeel . im
just trying to figure it out .
i guess i just miss what it was . but who doesn't .