love & life .

i had a long day today .
i learned , i had an understanding , i grew .
today i watched "not easily broken" & it wasn't my first time seeing it
but for w.e reason , it made me think more abt love and life .
i cryed bc i related on a lot of things . i understood .
i was happy at the end bc they didn't give up on their love .
on life .
i did a lot of thinking about my life .
i hate my life .
always have since about 5th or 6th grade , and i layed and tryed to
understand why ?
it makes me so sad that i don't love myself the way that i should .
and i couldn't come up with any reasons for why i shouldn't .
i grew up with both parents . i wasn't molested or beat . i didn't grow
up in the ghetto or withhout morals or rules .
my mother worked hard to give me a good childhood , a good life .
i never wanted for anything , not as a child anyway .
i got everything i wanted for xmas . i had friends . i did good in skool
. i even got a best reader award at my 6th grade promotion .
but now that i said that you know that's the first time I've actually
remembered that since i prolly got it .
i never give myself any credit . im not sure if its modesty or
insecurity .
I've made 4.0`s , 3.0`s shit , my 1st semester in college i maintained a
3.0 .
I've always been told i was smart . I've always earned A's & B's but
I've never felt smart . i mean i know im not stupid . i don't think im
stupid . i just always feel like someones smarter . but see im very
intelligent . it reflects a lot when i talk and write bc people notice
and always bring it to my attention . im not ashamed lol . i like it .
ignorant is something i was taught not to be . i digress . .
even to I've been told i was pretty/beautiful my whole life , it took me
til about 10th grade to actually see MYSELF as pretty . sometimes i look
in the mirror and i still don't see what other people see . but i don't
understand why i don't see it . bc I've never been called ugly . fat
maybe lol , never ugly . to my knowledge , shit everyones entitled to
their own opinion :)
i digress . . .
my self esteem had been low for as long as I've been old enough to have
self esteem . and i still can't understand why.
i tryed to figure oout how the way i love fits into my life and i
realized that since i was little I've always admired love . princesses &
princes , barbie & ken . mom & dad . boyf & girlf . I've always wanted
to just be in love and happily ever after . but in all those fairy tales
they never tell you how hard it is . that love has ups and downs .
stresses and struggles . tha bad and the good . love isn't just
happiness and smiles til yu get old and die . but it can be if yu work
at it .
I've blogged about a million times about how much i love james and no
matter how many times i express the way i feel yall could never
understand the way he makes me feel or what he meaans to me .
because by myself . I've always hated myself , always wanted to die ,
just never tried . bc see in the back of my ♥ , i wanna see life . i
wanna live life . and im heartbroken that i don't understand why i feel
tht way . I've learned to love myself but see not to the point i know im
supposed to .
i say all the time i love james more then me . and i shouldn't but i do
. then the more i thought , it dawned on me that he loves me more than i
love myself . and i cried .
bc at that point it all made sense . i never thought about it before but
when i feel like dying and i say things of that nature . HE gets mad .
he haaaates when i say shit about not wanting to live and he tells me
not to say things like that and that it makes him sad . . .how can he
love me so much that he wants me to live even when i wanna die?
why don't i love myself enough to wanna live? what am i missing ? why
would i give my life to save his in a heatbeat? why do i wanna die if he
ever left my life ?
i think the way i feel about myself has a lot to do with my insecurities
and how i get insecure in our relationship . i feel inferior to other
girls bc i feel like he might think their prettier than me . or have a
nicer body . or have more money . more independent . everything i feel
insecure about . but then i thought about how he calls me beautiful .
and he tells me every chance he gets . and he likes my body and doesn't
care that i don't . he always says " idc if yu don't like it bc i do" .
he's never once said anything to me about not having a job or nt having
my own place even tho im 21 . he never even complained about me not
having a car when i didn't . and for that im soo fucking grateful . bc i
never thought about how all the shit i worry about never mattered to him
. im ashamed . i can't believe how it took me this long to see all this
.
he always says i deserve better than him . but sometimes i don't feel
like i deserve him .
he's made his mistakes but one thing i never forgot that he told me is
"im growing and i want you to be here while i grow " and from that day
til now , i never left . i don't wanna leave . bc see like that movie ,
im not easily broken . and i cherish him . his ♥ and his love . he
tells me i worry i too much and i do . i have anxiety and i admit
sometimes it does get bad . i worry too much about every little thing
and although i know i should probably let go . its hard for me . but im
trying , im tryinggg bc i know that if i don't learn to live and let go
ill corrupt what we have bc im holding on too tight .
I've always wanted kids . thought about it . but i just realized how
much i need it . i want something to live for . i don't wanna get
depressed and give up on life . i should live for me . but i think i
live for my mom and james more than for myself bc if i didnt have them i
prolly wouldve done something dumb along time ago . . .
i don't want them to feel responsible for me living bc they shouldn't
have to , it isn't fair .
i can't even imagine my mom knowing i felt this way about me and my life
.
can't imagine her at my funeral .
and i don't wanna imagine myself at hers .
she's getting sick . and she's getting worse . she had breast cancer
when i was really young bt survived but now its like frm years of
alcohol abuse , drug use , and cigerettesmoking i knoooow their gonna
say she has something wrong with her . she's unhealthy and it really
breaks my ♥ bc she wont go to tha doctor .
my mom is and has always been my provider , she gave me life and if i
lose her anytime soon my whole worlds gonna come crashing down bc she
provides my food and shelter , she helps me when i need it . she's there
. if you take her away my whole life will change . and she'd give
anything for her 1st grandbaby but i need her to stay alive for at least
another 10 years so that i could give her that . i really want to bc i
would regret not giving her that . . . and on another note my dad . . .
i haven't seen in almost 2 years now . not bc i can't or don't want to
bt jus bc i haven't . and that's a poor excuse . and in this 2 years
I've been gone he's only provided me withhhhhhhh . . . 300$ for books
for skool (which wasn't enough) $80 for my 21st birthday $60 for my
phone and maybe an occasional 20$ or 40$ bc i asked . i never ask my
dad for anything and its nt bc i dnt want to but bc he always says he
cnt help or doesn't help the way i need to . he said he didn't have
money to buy me a plane ticket my own gma's funeral . smh . i feel sad .
he's getting old and he still works . i think he's gonna work hisself to
death and ever since my mom left him , then i moved down here its just
been him . i couldve stayed with him , but he crushed my dream when he
wouldnt let me go to FIDM and rearranged my whole after hs life . . .
so i left . it took me two years to go back to skool bt im there now . i
know what i want and im determined to get to it . i just wish i had
enough life motivation to keep me going when the rest of my life isn't
breaking me down .
i hold onto james bc he inspires me . he's motivated and determined . he
works hard . i admire him not bc he's my bf but bc of who he is and what
he does as a person . he makes me happy and when im happy i accomplish
things too . and im happy to share that with him . and he's happy for me
and there's nothing i love more then making him happy lol .
i jst wish i could take away his pain & problems and replace them with
making him happier . i hope i get that chance .
but i just poured my heart and secrets out so my heart feels a little
lighter but my head is killinnnn me , so on that note . ill be back
sooner than later .