letting go .

i dnt want to but i have to .
at this point i feel like its tha only way .
i have to detach my feelings in order to heal .
my heart is so lost .
its pulling me in two directions .
i feel like if i don't let go now im gonna start losing love .
i love him to death , ill always love him .
but its only so much my ♥ can take .
he makes me soooo happy but i always end up in some kind of heartache .
and i wont blame it all on him bc he cnt control my emotions .
neither can i .
i wanted to be in love bt i didn't wanna be so deep that idk what to do
.
im dealing with self issues , relationship issues , family issues .
its overwhelming but i maintain .
i wish things in life worked out the way their supposed to .
i wish yu could hit a fast foward button and get to the happy part .
thru all the pain .
i realized i can't get over him and her .
and the fact he admitted he's still in love with her jus reopened a
wound that wasn't completely healed .
how am i supposed to get over it when he's not even over her ?
i have to constantly be reminded of her .
the girl he fell in love with while he was still in love with me . the
girl he left me for (then realized wasn't what he wanted ).
karma is such a bitch .
bc i did that to z .
i fell in love with james while i was in love with z .
and i don't regret it but i never thought it would come back to slap me
in tha face .
i regret everything ! i put james thru and even tht i put z thru even
tho he wasn't worth shit bc now im dealing with every single heartbreak
and emotion i put james thru and it tearing me apart .
just thinking about him loving her makes me cry bc it hurts soo fucking
bad .
i can't make him stop . and tht hurts just as bad bc i know i cnt get
rid of her bc he still cares for her .
its too much .
i can't handle it . its like my love alone isn't good enough . and i
know it is . he tells me over and over he don't wanna be with her . and
he don't love her more than me but he's stillgetting over her and it
takes time . i understand tht .
but i cnt keep suppressing my pain in tha meanwhile .
i forgave him . i always forgive him . and i dnt have a problem
forgiving people . bc i dnt wanna be bitter .
but idk if that's why its easier for him to make a mistake bc he knows i
love him enough to forgive him .
he told me i deserve better bc he can't seem to do right by me .
and idk why i cnt believe him and let go .
probably bc my ♥ doesn't want to .
i need time .
he needs time .
maybe things a work out .
maybe they wont .
im not even sure anymore .
i know what i want but just bc its what i want doesn't mean its what'll
happen . i don't even wanna get my hopes up anymore so i don't add on to
my disappointment if it doesn't .
i wonder if everyone goes thru this type of heartache .
love is supposed to be so simple .
and to be honest our love itself is simple .
but the predicaments around it are complicated .
i want him to love me and wanna be with me bc he wants to be . not bc he
feels obligated or pitys tha way i feel .
ill give him time to figure out what he wants bc i need to know whether
to stay or walk away .
like my sis says , if its meant to be it will . everything works out in
time if yu give it time and he always comes back to you .
but how many times do i let him leave and come back before i don't let
him come back again ?
the part that hurts the most is that everysingle time we've broken up it
was never bc of me but bc of something he's going thru in his personal
life .
how many times do i have to get hurt bc he gets overwhelmed and unsure
.
i could stand by his side thru everything . and i have so far , but only
if he wants me to be there .
i don't want him to feel sorry for me and give up bc im hurt . if he
knows he can do right and that's wht he wants then ill be here .
but it seems like everytime i convince myself its gonna be diff this
time and were gonna last , we don't .
and idk if its my fault for putting up with it or his for not being able
to handle our relationship while he's dealing with shit even tho it
isn't really interrupting anything .
i think the fact he knows he can't give me what i deserve right now eats
away at him . but see none of that matters to me . i don't need money ,
gifts , all his time , all his attention . i just want all his love and
all his dedication .
everything else can be worked out .
im so simple . so easy to please .
all i want is all his love .
and i guess i fucked up bc when i had it i let my exbf tlk his way back
into tha picture and i hurt james bad .
i wonder if i wouldve left z when me and james first found out we liked
each other and tht we might be good in a relationship that things
wouldnt be so fucked up now .
if i didn't hurt james so many times btwn january and august i wonder if
karma wouldnt fuck me over so bad .
january to august :'(
i had no idea how long i hurt him .
that just made me cryyyy .
i didn't even fall in love with him until may .
he's been loving me since january !
how could i put him thru this for 8 months
i had no idea how bad this hurt .
I've been getting hurt since june , so i guess were almost even huh .
i can never apologize enough times bc my ♥ will aways hold an ounce of
guilt for the shit i put him thru when he loved me way more than z ever
could and i knew that ! but i was so brainwashed and stuck on stupid tht
i convinced myself me and z's love was so real .
if yu ask me he never really loved me .
he loved my attention .
if you have my ♥ then i give you my all .
i guess if that's what yu want yu luck up when i fall in love with you
.
but the most important lesson I've learned so far is only loving one
person at a time .
bc love triangles drain the heart til its nothing left .
i hope james and i survive all of this .
and i hope at some point he falls out of love with her and doesn't feel
like she needs to be in his life and tht im all he needs.
and if he doesn't then at some point ill prolly fall out of love and
feel like i don't need him in mine .
bc although i can put up with a lot , i can't deal with not having his
complete heart when i know he has mine . i can't deal with him smiling
about and loving another girl the way he does me while he's with me .
its crippling .
but all i can do is pray . bc god is the only one that has the answers
and i hope he answers my prayers soon .