neverending . . .

disappointments .
i wish i kept neverending happiness .
why is it so hard to just . . . be happy . stay happy ?
i would give anything just to know what its like to really be happy w.
life .
i can't stop crying .
im tired of fighting and never winning .
ill fight to the end of this world for my love .
and i can't never win .
well i can't say i lost .
idk why i expect to lose . .
prolly cus i never win lol .
okay let me elaborate ,

so my bf`s babys mother , told him that she's not mad tht he has a gf ,
but she feels like its unfair to her and thebby that they never tryed to
be a family and that she's good enough to have his bby but not be his
girl .

to sum it all up . i could understand where she's coming frm im not a
heartless female .
and i understand he's known her longer bc they've been close friends for
a long time .
and i can understand she's been there for him to do things i wasn't able
to do .
and yeaaaa she's carrying his 1stborn ,
a lot of shit that makes me feel inferior .
she stole my dream of giving him his firstborn .
well wait no , i can't say she , bc it took both of them .
im not even mad .
im not mad at her or how she feels to be honest .
but i jus don't know how to feel
i already feel like i cause him extra stress bc im always a seperate
situation frm him having a baby and family .
now i reeeeally feel like im in the way . and i shouldn't bc i know if
he really wanted to be with her he would .
but i don't like feeling like im the problem bc all of this wouldnt even
be happening if we weren't together .
and i hate seeing him stress and i feel like he constantly has to choose
btwn what he wants and what he has to do .
and this is something i have no control over .
how i feel isn't really even relevant to this situation bt it still
hurts me .
im not gonna give up on our relationship and i hope that he doesn't
either but i know how impt his baby is to him and maybe he might wanna
give his bby a family environment? but i thought tht was the purpose of
moving close to her?
he wants a family with me .
but i don't feel i should have to give up my love or break my ♥ bc i
wanna make everyone else happy bc i have the worst habit of making sure
everyone else is happy and sacrificing my own happiness .
i never want his babymama to feel like im the reason they're not a
family . bc i don't want probs btwn us .
the less drama tha better but i dnt know if im strong enough to
sacrifice my ♥ for her sake , well not even hers , but the babys sake
.
im crying bc im scared . james told me not to worry abt it bc im not
holding him hostage in a relationship bt i know that .
idk what he might choose is best for his baby . this isn't about him or
me or his bm its about the baby and its a fucked up situation bc that's
the one thing i can't challenge.
ill always lose to his baby and that's fine bc that's how its supposed
to be .
its like . . .i keep fighting for our relationship no matter what falls
in front of us bt i can't fight this .
and i know he doesn't wanna hurt me . so it jus makes it so much more
harder for him .
im tired of worrying about losing our relationship .
that's the only thing i really want in my life right now .
and that's the only thing that makes me happy :'(
and i keep almost losing it .
im not going to tho , i reeefuuuuuusee .
im not losing the only thing that ever made me genuinely happy .
idk what's fenna happen but i hope god is on everyones side . cus all i
want is to be happy and stay in love with my man , struggles and all .