i can't sleep .

can't eat . can't think .
i can't erase the pain . . .
cus i still feel your heartbeat a million miles away . . .

i swear trey songz has a song to fit every situation .
first it was love lost . then holla if you need me .
and somehow i feel the next ones gonna be black roses .
i can't stop crying .
i cry everyday . how do i stop?
im not crying bc he's hurting me im crying out of fear .
we're still together . we still have regular days . but even when i
smile i have to remember i still might lose him .
i can't believe i let myself fall this deep .
when did i stop protecting myself ?
i can't save myself . my heart . my love . my life .
for the last 5 hours I've been trying to imagine living without him .
i feel weak for depending so much on his presence to hold me down .
but if you ever met a guy like him . and felt a love like his , you
prolly wouldnt wanna lose it either .
realistically , i can live without him .
walking dead .
no heartbeat . no soul . no love . no happiness . in pain .
tryna heal a wound that prolly wont ever heal .
i don't trust guys so i don't need they fake ass words tryna be bandages
to my broken heart.
people don't understand . i don't even know if everyone that's ever been
in love feels love the way i do .
so people say it without understanding the depth of the most powerful
and pure emotion known .
i was made w. love . brought up w. love . born to be in love w. love . i
wanna be in love . i AM finally IN LOVE . and i am blessed ! that he
loves me back .
not the "i love u" back cus i wanna fuck . the i love yu back cus i want
some money . the i love you back cus i wanna manipulate you and the
power i have over your heart.
he loves me for me .
i understand his love , i comprehend it . it feels the same way i give
it -- 200%. it completes me . loving this man makes me the happiest i
ever been in my life . .a natural happiness within my heart i think
people search for all their lives . a true love .
i don't understand .
everything happens for a reason , as a lesson . but what's this lesson?
god has taken him more than once and everytime i prayed for him back ,
he answered my prayers .
he restored us .
but here's another obstacle . we're supposed to make it past all these
obstacles ! bt idk about this one .
im scared . im trying to prepare myself for heartbreak but all i do is
cry .
i can't feel how he feels anymore . he doesn't know what he's going to
do .
everything past doesn't even really matter , what about being engaged?
what about promising you wouldnt leave?
what about telling me you couldn't hurt me again?
i feel like a empty ass jar .
i don't understand words . promises . emotions . life .
they all lead to disappointment , no matter what .
what i see isn't what he see's . i feel selfish . . .
im refusing to let go . bc to let go , would be letting go of me .
and watch my heart walk away and no longer beat would leave me
.....lifeless .
and if i wrote a suicide note , it would be full of apologies and i love
yous . bc my selfishness would break more hearts than mines . but the
difference btwn them and me?
they all have someone to turn to .
someone to keep them up .
he's my backbone . my support and has been for idk how long . he cared
about me when he didn't have to . cared about me prolly way more than a
lot of people i was calling my friends before i met him .
to meet ssomeone as beautiful and caring and just one of a kind as james
is a blessing bc i swear to god I've never met anyone his age or my age
for that matter with the wisdom and love he has . i didn't fall in love
with his babyface ..his smile..his laugh.. his personality . i fell in
love with his honesty . his respect . his intelligence . his heart . his
soul .
i could probably go hours talking about my love for him . probably
boring half of you bt idgaf cus its my blog and im free to write
whatever tf comes off my mind . im venting .
writing down thoughts so that maybe i can understand why im trapped in
this love . but i don't wanna get out . its kinda like when one person
in an old couple that have been married for many many years dies , and
within tha next year the other one dies bc they can't live without tht
person . its kinda how i feel .
we'ree not old . and were not married . and have only been on&off for
about a year . .but we got a old people love lol .
a lifetime love . i could be satisfied with his love for a lifetime .
and i could deal with ups and downs . and breakups and makeups . and
struggles and stress bc he's where i wanna be and who i wanna be with .
i don't even know if any of this makes sense . some of yall prolly think
im crazy but im not . im just a girl in love that's had one too many
heartbreaks fighting to not lose the only person that ever took the time
to pick up the pieces to my heart , put it back together & cherish it .

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