28.6.09

he haas my heaart :)

* sigh .
so , i `ve posted about him beefoore . bt, yall havent seen him really
.
i just wanted to taalk about him for a minutee .
even tho yall knoww i likee to blaab .
lol .
this is my baby :) jamesss .
no he`s not my bf [ anymoore:( ]
but he has my heart & i have his .
i lovee this man soooooo much !
we started off as friends .
just regulars ones not tha "talking" kind
so we grew to get know each other`s real self very well .
& basically fell for each other over time .
when we first met .
we were both in love , in relationships
we used to help each other and tlk to each other about
our problems . and be there for each other .
and it took a minute before i really started to realize H0W great of a
person he really was .
whenn my ex used to do me dirt , for no real reason
and havee me cryinng . he would tell me like
jelliee why do yu put yourself through that?
you deserve more than that . and i knew it , but becus i was soo in
lovee , and loyal i didnt leave .
it wasnt til we were both single in january that i was
listening to [ lauryn hill- when it hurts so bad ]
& realized angelica ! thats tha nigga yu need ! why yu playin yoself ?
lol . so i brought it to his attn that we could really be great in a
relationship . and he confessed that he liked me from tha day he met me
:)
but we were both n relationships so he didnt say anything .
from that day on it was a constant battle btwn him or my ex .
i kneww i wanted to try a relationship w. him bt i wasnt ready to let go
of my ex even tho he had hurt me soo many times .
thenn one day in marchh , after tha constant bck n forths he finally
confessed he had fell in love w. me .
& i just cried . bcus i felt like this jus made everything more
difficult . either way someone was gonna get hurt . but he continued to
pursue me cus i was waht he wanted .
long stoory short .
we finaally got together in maay .
and now his past caught up to him and he chose to break up .
bcus now isnt tha bess time for him to be in a relationship .
i blame myself sometimes
bcus i feel like maybe if i wouldve
stopped bein a weenie back in january
none of this wouldve happened and we wouldve been happy n a relationship
. smh .
i procrastinated and postponed and now shits all fcked up .
i wanna be wit him soo bad . and i cant .
it hurts me .
cus now im ready to lovee him back tha way he loves me and i caant .
its like everything he went thru at one point wit me . im going thru now
. but i cant fix this situation .
i lovee tha bajeezus outta his litebright ass ! mannn !
yall have no ideaaa . like i can honestly tell yall , theres noooothing
wrong w. him .
hes sweet , charming funny , doesnt like to argue , loving caring
supportive strong , masculine , finee af ! lmaooo mannnn .
and i havent lost him yet .
but im scared to .
he promised i wouldnt bcus he doesnt wanna lose my friendship but like
i dont know how to jus be his friend anymore :-/
i just wanna be happy with him .
i feel like everything i want alwys gets tooken away frm me .
jus bcus i want it sooo bad i cant have it .
and when i couldnt choose what i wanted . it was right there w. my name
on it , smh .
lifess fucked up .
i love him tho .
and i was watchin "why did i get married?" earlier
and i totally related to shiela [jill scott]
cus i felt hw she felt when her husband left her .
then she found tha sheriff .
who loved her for her .
and was happy w. her .
and i realized james is my sheriff .
and he lovess everyyyyything about me
even tha things i dont like :(
when he compliments me ,
sometimes i turn it into puttin myself down n he gets mad like bby why
cant yu ever jus take a compliment ?
and i feel bad cus i been hurt so manytimes im
used to putting myself down or downplaying
myself before anyone else can .
i love him for loving me tha way im supposed to be
and i never wanna let that slip away .
i lovee you james de`von , to death !

7 comments:

jaassnnaa said...

sweet

Ria said...

awww mama then don't let him go
be a fighter & fight for your man
it seems he really loves you the way
he treated you, don't let that love go

p[L]e[0]a[V]c[E] . said...

they said .. if it leaves then comes back .. it means soo much MORE .. i dont believe that shit .. if it left ONCE .. it will LEAVE again .. but when you give your heart ., you cant get that shit back stil the same .. so dont let him walk away.. he obviously means ALOT to you .

Janay . said...

im sorry .
i hope everything works out for the best .
keep ya head up .

NayNayGotCakes said...

aww he's a cutie....go fight for ya man. he seems like a keeper

Qu33n Kam... said...

This is one of the sweetest post u have written becuz i can hear the happiness u feel for him and his face reads sweetheart!! I like this guy for bein there for u and being honest that seems like one of his best qualities becuz its best he did this in the beginning than take u thru a long relationship and ur feelings for him are in overdrive 2 where he wud look like an asswhole if he broke up wit u. He seems like his decisions are not just for the benefit of jus him but 4 the both of u. I kno wat its like 2 build a great friendship in hopes of gettin 2gether & it not work out becuz of a very similar circumstance but me & that guy are still friends &it took me a long time 2 be cool wit that but i realized that real friendships last forever even longer than bf & gf relationships cuz they can come & go thats why its important 2 be bff wit ur bf i see yall gettin back 2gether jus be supportive & he will see 4 himself that u are nothin he will want 2 lose

satara..!! said...

i agree with Ria, dont let him go. you guys have come this far, it will all pan out. im a young mom so i know how he feels. living the double life and all, but it wont last that long he'll be back to you trust!

give him his space but let him know whose been there for him and will always be. explain to him that you're willing to work with the entire situation. and of course pray! girl he loves you he just needs to straighten out his life. support him but dont sufficate him or ask for too much. and dont neglect your feelings either, express your feelings without adding on to his stress.

you have to become more of a stress reliever. avoid conferentation without putting your emotions aside. give him A LOT for awhile just be home for him. by that i mean be the place he comes when he's finished working and doing what he has to do.

good luck hun. true love is hard to find so when you find a man that treats you good and loves you HOLD ON.