* sigh . so , i `ve posted about him beefoore . bt, yall havent seen him really . i just wanted to taalk about him for a minutee . even tho yall knoww i likee to blaab . lol . this is my baby :) jamesss . no he`s not my bf [ anymoore:( ] but he has my heart & i have his . i lovee this man soooooo much ! we started off as friends . just regulars ones not tha "talking" kind so we grew to get know each other`s real self very well . & basically fell for each other over time . when we first met . we were both in love , in relationships we used to help each other and tlk to each other about our problems . and be there for each other . and it took a minute before i really started to realize H0W great of a person he really was . whenn my ex used to do me dirt , for no real reason and havee me cryinng . he would tell me like jelliee why do yu put yourself through that? you deserve more than that . and i knew it , but becus i was soo in lovee , and loyal i didnt leave . it wasnt til we were both single in january that i was listening to [ lauryn hill- when it hurts so bad ] & realized angelica ! thats tha nigga yu need ! why yu playin yoself ? lol . so i brought it to his attn that we could really be great in a relationship . and he confessed that he liked me from tha day he met me :) but we were both n relationships so he didnt say anything . from that day on it was a constant battle btwn him or my ex . i kneww i wanted to try a relationship w. him bt i wasnt ready to let go of my ex even tho he had hurt me soo many times . thenn one day in marchh , after tha constant bck n forths he finally confessed he had fell in love w. me . & i just cried . bcus i felt like this jus made everything more difficult . either way someone was gonna get hurt . but he continued to pursue me cus i was waht he wanted . long stoory short . we finaally got together in maay . and now his past caught up to him and he chose to break up . bcus now isnt tha bess time for him to be in a relationship . i blame myself sometimes bcus i feel like maybe if i wouldve stopped bein a weenie back in january none of this wouldve happened and we wouldve been happy n a relationship . smh . i procrastinated and postponed and now shits all fcked up . i wanna be wit him soo bad . and i cant . it hurts me . cus now im ready to lovee him back tha way he loves me and i caant . its like everything he went thru at one point wit me . im going thru now . but i cant fix this situation . i lovee tha bajeezus outta his litebright ass ! mannn ! yall have no ideaaa . like i can honestly tell yall , theres noooothing wrong w. him . hes sweet , charming funny , doesnt like to argue , loving caring supportive strong , masculine , finee af ! lmaooo mannnn . and i havent lost him yet . but im scared to . he promised i wouldnt bcus he doesnt wanna lose my friendship but like i dont know how to jus be his friend anymore :-/ i just wanna be happy with him . i feel like everything i want alwys gets tooken away frm me . jus bcus i want it sooo bad i cant have it . and when i couldnt choose what i wanted . it was right there w. my name on it , smh . lifess fucked up . i love him tho . and i was watchin "why did i get married?" earlier and i totally related to shiela [jill scott] cus i felt hw she felt when her husband left her . then she found tha sheriff . who loved her for her . and was happy w. her . and i realized james is my sheriff . and he lovess everyyyyything about me even tha things i dont like :( when he compliments me , sometimes i turn it into puttin myself down n he gets mad like bby why cant yu ever jus take a compliment ? and i feel bad cus i been hurt so manytimes im used to putting myself down or downplaying myself before anyone else can . i love him for loving me tha way im supposed to be and i never wanna let that slip away . i lovee you james de`von , to death !