poem # 7 .

numb .
from tha inside out
i feel no emotion
no remorse
as tha pain that once filled my veins
no longer flows
nothing but blank thoughts cross my mind
as memories of us disappear again
i stand here , still
watching myself walk away from me .
im empty
drained from . . .
hurt after heartbreak
tears after pain
disappointment after loss
i cant do this anymore
i give up .
perseverence is supposed to get you places
only place i end up is misery lane .
i hate this place .
dark and lonely
where all my love and happiness
converts to hate and bitterness
and i can no longer love
bcus ive now become cold
& h e a r t l e s s .
where did my warmth & security run off to ?
[another womans arms . . .]
only to leave my heart , left on tha floor
beating its last beats .

am i wrong to keep trying ?
am i wrong to keep thinking this will ever work ?
am i wrong to love you after everything we been through ?
am i wrong for not knowing what to do or how to act ?
am i wrong to think i should stop trying ,
bcus you'll never commit to loving me tha way i need you to ?
its draining me ; killing me softly
you`ve become the deadliest drug . . .
l o v e , & im addicted .

how did this happen .

how did i let myself fall back so deep .
why does me and my ex not tlking anymore
hurt me jus like it did tha first time .
im so weak .
a sucka for love .
i admit , i nevr stopped loving my ex .
i just found away around it .
this past week of talking to him .
just brought back so many memories .
and even tho i knew we wouldnt get back together
anytime soon , bcus i knoww tht he isnt ready
to do what it takes to get me back .
i guess he didnt .
and i was never tryna lead him on or anything like that
because i do still love him .
maybe not as IN love as i used to be .
bt idnt think my love for him will ever go away .
hes my first love .
even through all tha heartache and pain .
im mad at myself .
for getting caught back up in that fantasy of
being back w. him .
how could i be so stupidd .
i admit that i would give him another
chance if he got his shit together and did jus tha
little things i asked for .
smh
bt instead now hes pushing me away bcus of how i feel about james [refer
below]
when he already knew that we were tlking/ together .
its just like why now .
smh .
i feel so lost .
and i know where i wanna be .
but jus becus i wanna try a neew relationship with someone else .
doesnt meean i dont want him in my life anymore .
i never thought it was possible to love 2 people at tha same time .
but its tha most heartbreaking experience ever .
because i dont know what to expect from either one .
whos to say i even get back wit either one ?
but i love thm both . and i dont wanna let go of either .
but i guess thats a personal problem .
that i have to deal with on my own .

just because ,

i like this picture :)

he haas my heaart :)

* sigh .
so , i `ve posted about him beefoore . bt, yall havent seen him really
.
i just wanted to taalk about him for a minutee .
even tho yall knoww i likee to blaab .
lol .
this is my baby :) jamesss .
no he`s not my bf [ anymoore:( ]
but he has my heart & i have his .
i lovee this man soooooo much !
we started off as friends .
just regulars ones not tha "talking" kind
so we grew to get know each other`s real self very well .
& basically fell for each other over time .
when we first met .
we were both in love , in relationships
we used to help each other and tlk to each other about
our problems . and be there for each other .
and it took a minute before i really started to realize H0W great of a
person he really was .
whenn my ex used to do me dirt , for no real reason
and havee me cryinng . he would tell me like
jelliee why do yu put yourself through that?
you deserve more than that . and i knew it , but becus i was soo in
lovee , and loyal i didnt leave .
it wasnt til we were both single in january that i was
listening to [ lauryn hill- when it hurts so bad ]
& realized angelica ! thats tha nigga yu need ! why yu playin yoself ?
lol . so i brought it to his attn that we could really be great in a
relationship . and he confessed that he liked me from tha day he met me
:)
but we were both n relationships so he didnt say anything .
from that day on it was a constant battle btwn him or my ex .
i kneww i wanted to try a relationship w. him bt i wasnt ready to let go
of my ex even tho he had hurt me soo many times .
thenn one day in marchh , after tha constant bck n forths he finally
confessed he had fell in love w. me .
& i just cried . bcus i felt like this jus made everything more
difficult . either way someone was gonna get hurt . but he continued to
pursue me cus i was waht he wanted .
long stoory short .
we finaally got together in maay .
and now his past caught up to him and he chose to break up .
bcus now isnt tha bess time for him to be in a relationship .
i blame myself sometimes
bcus i feel like maybe if i wouldve
stopped bein a weenie back in january
none of this wouldve happened and we wouldve been happy n a relationship
. smh .
i procrastinated and postponed and now shits all fcked up .
i wanna be wit him soo bad . and i cant .
it hurts me .
cus now im ready to lovee him back tha way he loves me and i caant .
its like everything he went thru at one point wit me . im going thru now
. but i cant fix this situation .
i lovee tha bajeezus outta his litebright ass ! mannn !
yall have no ideaaa . like i can honestly tell yall , theres noooothing
wrong w. him .
hes sweet , charming funny , doesnt like to argue , loving caring
supportive strong , masculine , finee af ! lmaooo mannnn .
and i havent lost him yet .
but im scared to .
he promised i wouldnt bcus he doesnt wanna lose my friendship but like
i dont know how to jus be his friend anymore :-/
i just wanna be happy with him .
i feel like everything i want alwys gets tooken away frm me .
jus bcus i want it sooo bad i cant have it .
and when i couldnt choose what i wanted . it was right there w. my name
on it , smh .
lifess fucked up .
i love him tho .
and i was watchin "why did i get married?" earlier
and i totally related to shiela [jill scott]
cus i felt hw she felt when her husband left her .
then she found tha sheriff .
who loved her for her .
and was happy w. her .
and i realized james is my sheriff .
and he lovess everyyyyything about me
even tha things i dont like :(
when he compliments me ,
sometimes i turn it into puttin myself down n he gets mad like bby why
cant yu ever jus take a compliment ?
and i feel bad cus i been hurt so manytimes im
used to putting myself down or downplaying
myself before anyone else can .
i love him for loving me tha way im supposed to be
and i never wanna let that slip away .
i lovee you james de`von , to death !

poem # 6 .

he love`s me for me .
that is everything i need
can we . . .
stop overanalyzing
drop all inhibitions at tha door
peel off all our stress
& leave it on thaa floor
i wanna love you .
every single inch of you
head to toe ,
each kiss specifically placed
to givee you more
anticipation to what
is in storee ;
faint whispers
loud moans
soft touches
tight grasps
long kisses
hard orgasms
peace of mind
perfect sleep
as we drift away in the essence of our love
nothing can interrupt
except
when tha sun comes up
we redress in our stress
and leavee all our bliss
wrapped up in tha sheets
w. only memories
left to carry us thru another day .

a moment of silencee

. . . for myy peace of mind !

smh . i need it .
im pretty muchh ignoring everybdy todayy .
anti-peoplee i guess .
i get likee this sometimess .
peoplee irritatee me to thaa maximum .
smh .
i just wishh i couldd slaap thaa shit outtaa they ass !
* forgivee me for thaa hostility 0:-)

i miss my bby :-/
he`s been working overtimee & suchh
& his phone`s off right noww soooo ,
we havent really talkeddd .
he called me yesterdayy to tell me he loved me
i jus really miss him and talking to him .
he keeps me in my better moods :)
hopefully thingss are back to normal soon .

* sigh .
i wanna go to work !
i wish i could jus get up get dressed and go work !
lol .
fuck this at home shit smh .
todays saturday & i have nuthing to do .
weeak af .
its good thoo .
ill be back shortly :)

that is all .

aww fck it .

im stayinn on ma pills .
lol .
thaa ppl complainin about weight gain
xtraa discharge & possible infection got me shook .
not to mention it could chngee your "taste"
ummmmm ,
ill keep mines & enjoy my oral thanks !
& i jus loss 20lbs between oct & now soo
thaa weight gain is out too .
lmao .
ily pills ,
adios , nuvaaringg :) [even tho i nvr met yu lol]

rest in peace .

michael jackson .
you will forever live on thru your music :)

umm , heey ladiess !

personal questionn .

so todayy , i went to thaa doctors n chose to change my birth control
method from pills to tha nuvaring .

i heardd both good & badd about it buut likeeee

lol if anyonee is using it or knws someone who doess input is welcomedd
.

thanks :)

lovers&&&friends .

* sigh .
sooo ,
the break turnedd into break up :(
yeaa yeaa sad right .
he said he doesnt think he needs to be in a relationship right now
cus he cant give his all and i dont deserve it .
hm . im kinda hurt . cus this relationship
wasssnt supposed to fall apart like this .
smh .
thanks fertile friend **
ugh .
wtf .
w.e he said he just needs me to be his friend right now
bcus he needs me to stay in his lifee .
soo basically we went frm friendss to lovers & back to friendss .
which is soooo weird now . cus we bothhh love each other
bt we keepin it as friends
and its funny cus we still be callinn each other bby n shit
we still act likee were together bt were not .
so i guess it isnt thaaaaat bad . but damn .
ima jus let him grow . and figure out this baby stuff .
i wanna be there for him .
and i wanna be wit him but i guess i gotta do one thing at a time .
at least i still got em right ?
w.e if its nt meant to be then so be it .
not tha first & nt thaa last .

i L0VEEEE . . . .

qu33n kammm !

lol .
i always havee to post since i cnt leavee cmmnts .
bt i reeeeally reeeally love her feedback !
shess myy favv follower [no offense iLeverybdy!] bt omgg .
shess tha beeessst ! if yuu nt followinn her yall slackkinn !

wattheeff.blogspot.com :)

boredom leads to . . .poem # 5 .

still . . .
looking for lovee
in all tha wrong placess .
cant recognize it
cus it keeps changing facess
i thought i found it
once .
twice .
now third stike , im out .
realizing noww
im still tha same little girl i been
my whole life
why cant i figure this shit out ?
fantasizing about perfect love
& perfect relationships . . .
no matter how manyy times
i get hurt . . .
tha n e x t time is always worse .
cant become heartless
i havee too muchh love to give
if onlyy i could findd
someone to
give it to . . .
wasnt him .
wasnt him .
now your tellin me
yu dnt know if its you .
going crazy inside my head
cus yuu dont knoww what yuu wanna do .
can i love you ?
can i have you ?
i really need you .
but do you need me . . .?
prolly better off w. out me .
i was. . . .so happy
planning a futuree w. yuu
that oncee againn wont come true .
i guess now i have to figure out a way
to let go . . . . . . . . . of you .
as muchh as i dont want to
if you cant promise youll stay dwn w. me
tha way im dwn for you
i might as well save my heart now
i ran all outta gluee . . . :'(

poem # 4 .

sincee i raarely smileeeee lol , enjoy that . now to the poem . . .

FANTASYlandd :

visions of you & me
happilyy walkingg
fingers intertwinedd
as shots of ecstacyy fill my mind
then body ; throughout my soul
the feeling of your lovee
never leavess me coldd
taking me higher i float on
clouds called thoughts
impossible to evaporate bcus
thoughts of you never dissipate
your smile brings me closer to heaven
bt your eyes help me realize what u are to me
bcus they always see right through me
not only do they see my beauty
outsidee but , in mee
lips touchingg
you breathee your soul
within me
i blow miness back so
we now embody one another
your love is like no other person
ive ever felt beforee
always givingg never holding back
no lovee is stored
in your heart bc you gave it all to me
placed behind my heart
for me to keep and forever adore thee
way you hold my body in your arms
and kisss me soft
get me wet , put it dwn & get me off ;)
insidee me your soul becomes mines w. me
ill lovee you forever just stay
forever kind , never blind
alwayss mineee :)

change is good !

you know what reeeeeeally erks me ?
when peoplee get mad bcus your not tha same
person you u s e d to be .
likeeeee
i thought tha whole ideaa of growing older & wiser
was to learn from your trials & tribulations
& make mistakes & just do what yu wanna do .?
livee your OWN life , so to speak . .
yeaa so what !
i dont likee my lifee how i would likee tooo buuut
nonetheless
it is MY lifee & i wouldnt changee it for tha worldd
yeaa im doinn bad
yeaa i get madd .
yeaa im not tha nicee sweet pushover angelica i USED to be .
whoogivess a fuuuck ?!
im determined to get better .
i dont stay mad for long .
& i turned bitter over tha years thanks to people
taking my kindness for blindness/weakness .
fuck being nice .
im nicee naturally , bt mostly when i w a n n a be .
ima asshole w. a smart ass mouth .
i admit it & most people would tell yuu lol
but im still a sweetheart .
i still like to be likedd
& im still not obnoxious or just rude for no reason at all .

i feel bad [kinda] cus my bestfriend [ex?] idk lol frm tha bayareaa
always asks me to move bck becus to her since im doing bad here or nt as
good as i was theree , she just figures i should move back and make it
better .
people dont understand .
they think im jus socializing my life away. . .
smoking drinking partying . ST0P !
umm no .
i dont wanna movee bcus i like it down here
maybe not tha city i live it bt its cool .
ive made new friends . i have a great bf .
why would i just leave all this to move back to have what one or 2
friends ? tht i still tlk to and no bf ?
nahhh . im str8 .
i dont smoke anymore & i rarely ever drink .
i dont party cus my ass is broke .
& all i do is sit n tha house on my phone trynaa find a job .
im finally starting skool this fall & im excited .
not really cus i dont have shit to wear lol
bt im lookin for a jooob so ii cann have some $$$ .
hopeffffullly i find sooomethinggg . damnn .
bt back to thaa point of thaa blogg . . .

i hatee how ppl want yuu to stay tha same way forever .
i embrace change .
i admit i do switchh my shit up frm time to time
bt thats bcuss i prolly dnt like how something was before so i changed
it to my liking .
idc what ppl think .
they wanna be likee oh she actin brand new , she didnt used to act like
that .
likee yeaa btchh neither did yuu .
who gives a fck .
the way i view life is completely different then i did before.
idgaf about gaining or losing a friend .
they come n go like seasons , theres reasons lol
i dnt trust people , i dont believe people .
i jus dont caree .
and bcus of tht i guess i come off rudee to most ppl .
welll im sorry i no longer care lol .
maybe next timee .
im still tryinn to figure out whats nxt for me .
maybee youll get thaa old me back after
i get everything i want .
and i no longer have to be bitter about shit .
til thenn .
fck what yuu thinkinn
fck what yuu thought
take me how i am or dont talk to me !
periodpointblank .
that is all :)

i wishhh

i couldvee seen tha futuree
wayy beforee it happenedd .
if i kneww thenn what i knew now . . .
i wouldve done something to try to changee it .
if i kneww i would be hurt so manny times
i wouldvee avoidedd it .
if i kneww what i did so wrongg in life to deserve thiss
i wouldvee never donee it .

i sit and wonder ,
for hours & days & weeks & now months .
why ?
why is my life soo fcked up ?
why is it that i want 3 simple ass things .
& cant havee them for anything in this world ?
to have a job , go to skool , & have a happy relationship
is that r e a l l y too muchh to ask ?
i swear thats like really plain & typical .
am i doing something wrong ?
maybe im nt trying hard enough . .
maybee im just not supposed to find happiness yet .
im so lost .
soo unhappy .
and when i find things / peoplee that make me happy .
i lose them too .
id give anything just to be happy again .
like REALLY happy .
not just happy for a min , happy for a hour m happy for a day .
likee , really truly happy . w. me & my lifee .
i constantly want changee .
bt i never get thaa type of changee i want .
my changee is always for thaa worsee
&never for tha better .
my happiness is timed .
it onlyy lasts for a limited time only .
idk , i really dnt caree anymoree .
i guess itll happen when it happens .
or maybe ill never be happy . ..
dont know , dont givee a fck .

yea weeelll

i feel my worldd crumblingg
aroundd mee

onceee againnn . . .

i swear lifee don`t lovee mee .

poem # 3 .

im screaming
hurting inside
im dying inside
my heartbeat slowed
from a steadypace to
an almost beat .
im crying inside
so lost
i always think im found
but my heart stays bound
by someones elses .
impossible to stay glad
bcus i put your happiness before mine
so when shit doesnt work out
im get mad
cus my hopes are now dying
all i want is you .
all of you .
like how you used to feel
when you didnt have all of me .
now ,
i cant have all of you
i feel robbed.
i feel bad bc you did deal
w. so much constantly longing for my touch
and it took so much time
bcause my love for him was so blind
it took hours and hours for me to see
that you ARE the man for me .
bt now your the man for he or she
a daddy to be . . .
no longer j u s t daddy to me .
you feel so lost and im trying to help find you
you just wont let me d o that
i guess y o u have to find y o u
before i can find you t o o . . .
i just dont wanna lose youu !
your perfection to me .
a perfect piece to
complete me .
im just scared tht your gonna tell me
that we cant be
together anymore
cus you cant take this . . . anymoree .
bt your my last chance
at trying this lovee thing
cus if i cant have you i dnt want ANYthing.
i've fallinn IN love w. you
but fallinn OUT of love w. love
idk how to feel anymore . .
cus YOUR love is MY only love .

break but not broken .

he said we need a break .
a br e a k .
i didnt expect it , so i broke down .
i know we been bumpin heads alot theses past few days
but idk .
i thought we talked about our problems so that
we could ge thru them and fix them .
but he told me that this isnt personal
and im taking it tht way and im not supposed to .

and i admit that it really isnt about me
and i am taking it personal even tho im not suposed to .
im being selfish again .
inconsiderate to tha fact he does need a little space
because his life did just make a drastic change .
i guess i just figured having a gf and a bbymma was
easy for niggas jus because idk ?
i guess i just figured it wouldnt be so difficult
bcus there isnt any bbymmadrama
its nt like my exgirl & my nxt girl . .
im coo wit her & viceversa .
i respect her place & viceversa .

** sidenote : him& her have never been in a relationship, so dont gimme
tha oh his feelins mightve came back for ect ect . accidents happen .

but hes stuck in tha middle .
he told me he feels like hes living a double life :(
because he wakes up to me ,
goes to work , gets off , checks on her to make sure she str8 , then bck
home to me .
but like ,
i already knew this . . .so i guess i jus didnt think it
bothered him bcus we already talked about it .
i feel like . . .im jus causing more problems and confusion
but i know he loves me and wants to be with me .
but he really jus needs time to put his life back in order
since it just got thrown out of wack this month .
ima give him his space tho bcus we didnt break up
he just needs some time & i know he needs tht now .
i can handle that . i just hope i dont start missing him
to tha point idk what to do w. myself . .
bcus i really have began to fall hard for him
& its not no damn angelica , yall aint even been together tht long .
ive been tlkinn to him damn near everyday since september of lass year
.
our friendship just grew into something so much more
greater and special .
i trust him and his actions .
i love him . so ima give him what he needs
bcus i really want us to work
and if he cant straighten it now .
itll be way more difficult later . . .
hopefully this works out
cus i have a bad habit of setting myself up for disaster =.

just a thought . [poem # 2]

i`ve moved forward
sometimes still staring at a memory
like someone pressed rewind then p a u s e
a moment in time already passed . . .
bt it stares me in tha face like theres really a
c a u s e
tha film with our memories playing
is deteriorating as it burns away
from the anger in my heart
i loved you at one time
m o r e than anything . . .in this world
how could you be so cruel ?
when i perceived you to be so kind
aha . funny now
cus i was deceived to be so blind !
my love for you dried up
like petals of an old rose
once beautiful , now forever cold
like my heart feels . . when you cross my mind
in dead memories
false dreams of false fantasies
broken hopes , broken hearts
broken ending , broken start
we thought we were forever . . .
until we fell apart
not meant to be . . .
you just played a part
in my life as a f i r s t real love
i was blinded then , now i have a fresh start
to bad i couldnt see
how we would end , so abruptly
doesnt matter now .
i set you free :)
and everything that was meant to be
is now b e i n g . . .

** i only posted this bcus my sis toldd me i should .
i won`t post poems cus i didnt get any feedback
tha first time i posted one >:o lol
&& i already dnt think they tht good .
lol bt yeaa . i wrote this to as my final closure to my last
relationship .
that is all :)

updated .

a few things . . .
i changed my title to basically becus thats my favorite word .
it says everything w. out saying anything .
and thats how i always feel .

[ thankiess to maa twinn for doing tht for me :) go chkc her out shess
niceee ! icanonlybepeaa.blogspot.com :) ]

but yeaa , ill be changing up my layout real soon , jus havent took thaa
time to do it . so yeaa . thats all for now :)

* findd b e aa u t y , in u g l y n e ss (:

ugh . [poem # 1 .]

that last post really madee me miss writing poems in my lil one subject
notebook lol .
buut theirs sooo many of you guys that writee tha
booombest poetry !
omg . im soo jealous >:o
ie : tiana monique , bree , & my new follower notion !
so i never post my poems cus yeaa ,
lol , id rather tlk shit . plus i dnt really see myself too poetic . not
a good poet anyway .
bt heres onee , enjoy i guess . .

my heart speeds up then skips beats
as memories
of [ you and i ] cross my mind
like clouds through thaa sky
unbelievable and unreachable
is how i u s e d to feel about tha way i feel n o w . . .
your like a gift from god & im still asking how ?
did i get something so new
& b e a u t i f u l as y o u .

refreshing to my soul
likee a breath of fresh air
your h o n e s t y , so real
its unnecessary to care . . .
though necessary like water
i drink you to keep me s a t i s f i e d &
i bathe in you to wash all my problems a w a y
clean now ,
but i keep myself w e t , so i can feel your s t a y
i feel you all over me
im d r o w n i n g in your love , d o n t save me .

i close my e y e s and see [you & i]
then i smilee bcus im h a p p y
no more tears to cry . .
you wiped them from my eyes
and gavee me a n e w destinyy
fulfilled w. [me & you] t o g e t h e r
now i no longer have to ask god "why?!"
he gave me what i needed
at exactly the right time
and now i have what i was told , i'd always find :)

love & happiness .

reminiscing . . .

i miss things .
i miss being a kid [minor] .
i miss skool .
i miss lunchtime .
i miss sneaking out & coming home late .
i miss being tha smart class clown .
i miss writing poetry .
i miss my 35mm .
i miss having a cpu .
i miss staying up all nite watching musicvideos .
i miss talking on tha phone til tha sun comes up .
i miss cuddling .
i miss going places .
i miss seeing things .
i miss waking up late .
i miss being touched .
i miss being kissed .
i miss you . . .

* random thoughts . super random lol .

oh , & btw *

i recut my bangss :)
back to classic /str8 across , i missedd thaa look lol
yay or nayy ?

temptation pt. dos

psht .
mann didnt ntn even happen lol
onlyy cus im a good girl !
cus he was like shit ask her who tf she is !
so i asked n tha btchh gon say
im such n such sister , i was seein who was on ma bro aim .
im like , well im his gf & yea .
so i tell ma bby who she is .
lol , & he was like idk who that is >:o
block tht btchh lol
im likee noooo , lemme ask her why she lyinn
he like nahh block her .
hmmmmm .
[suspicion ? lol jp .]
i truss my bby n i didnt feel like arguinnn
pluuuus she nvr said anything outta line to mke me cus her ass out
soooo .
i blocked her :)
ohh welll . shit .
maybee nxt timee . lol .

ahh , temptation .

lol ,
mannn !
don't yuu hatee whenn yuu reeeeally wanna do somn that yuu said yuu
wouldnt ?
todayy lol
i askedd my bf for his aim pw so i could writee his away
& at first he didnt wanna give it to me
bt oncee i saidd i didnt want it no moree he gave it lol
so i wrotee thee awayyy . . .
& he said if anyone writee , dont write bck .
soo , i agreed . cus hey , im on thee icon & thee away
& if i reeeeleee wantedd i could write back . bt idc .
soo some girl aims (that isnt in his buddy list )
asking "who is this?"
lol , i a l m o s t repliedd . . .
then my consciencee said ,
HALT ! ANGELICA !
lol .
* fuuuuuck .
so i didnt writee back . i just . . .updated thee away lol
i'll tell him whenn he txts me onn his break .
lol . i might writee her ass back .
thank godd im not insecure lol .
it could be one of his friendss .
not to mention , some dudee callin hisself "hubby" was in her awayy
takinn it over lmao .
hmm . i'll tell yall what happens lol .

if yuu havee a twitter . . .

leavee your url so i can follow yuuuu oor
Folllowwww Meeeee :)

twitter.com/shehellaarudeee

followwww meeeeeeee .

i finallly brought myself to making a twitter , hmmmm .

twitter.com/shehellaarudeee

FOLL0W MEE G0TDANGIT ! >:O :)

sheesh .

blogging sucks these days .
just like myspace.
just like aim .
everyone tweets/twitters [except me ] lol .
i guess i should hop on thaa bandwagonn .
bt im lazy & i dont really caree for peoplee
to know my every movee i makee ,
as if i dnt update my away [on aim] enough lol .
* sigh .

i apologize if my blogs are no longer relatable anymore .
cus i know a lot of my comments & followers came frm my old relationship
. & i appreciate u guys for that .
but ive moved on & this relationship is going wonderful so i havee no
rantings or dramatics for this one lol .
L0 SIENT0 ! :)

on another nooteee . . .
my neighbor toldd me super target is hiring . &
her frinn is a manager at babies r us , that used to wrk at tha samee
walmart i did .
hmmm. well i did a app for babies a few days ago so she called him & he
said he'll pull ma app up tmmw .
& im goinn to target in tha morninn so i can put tht app in .
hoooopefullyy god loves me enoughh to finally bless me w. another joob
cus im over here dyinnnng .
lol .
i dont even go out anymoree im so broke .
ain't shit fun when uu brokee .
& i staaaayed talkin bout brokee ppl when i had money
so i guess karmaa is a btchh lmao .
bt i was always generous w. ma shit ! im not selfish or stingy . but w.e
i jus hope someone's willing enough to gimme a intervieww . sheeshh .

cus what reeeeally pissed me off yesterday is when my ex asked me if i
found a life yesterday . >:o RAWR !
ol' btchh . i swear i woulda stabbed him if he was in front of me .
he's so uglyy on tha insidee . when yuu nt in lovee w. him & vice versaa
he`s a reeeal asshole . idk how i loved his rude ass . bt i guess its
different when yuu act like a C0MPLETELY diff person when your "in love"
.
faaake as fuuuuck >:o . boooooooo ! i want ma $$ back .
lmaoo my timeee ! give it baack ! i was gippped !
lmaoo . fahreal . w.e . you livee & ya learn .
& plus i foundd a REAL GREAT man out all tha drama :)
so i guess it wasnt that bad . lol .
if he wasnt here to show me i deserved better and love me back thaa way
i neededd whoooo , who KN0WS what i'd be goinn thru . lmao . psh .
prolly not as dramatic as all tha tears i used to cry bck in nov-jan
lol . i didnt drop one single fuckin tear .
im proud of myself :)
* pats self on back .
i dont lovee thesee selfishh lyin H0ES [who front as real bfs] . lol
i talk so much shit .
oh welllllll . i was lied to & manipulated for 8-9 months gimme a break
. i'll bee that btchh i wass called :)
" hello , my name is BTCH & idgaf 8-)"
pretty muchh .

main objectives now are :
job .
skool .
& keep bby hppy .
thats it thats all .

all thee other shit - irrelevant .
sorry i keep postinn these novel ass posts . lol
i cant write short blogs .
or i could but then id jus post all day long .
id rather jus talk my ass off when i get bored at tha end of tha day
like now lol .
& im creating a new rulee .
if yuu start following me [ hi 2 new followers :) !] leavee a comment so
i can see who yu are cus im on ma kick n i cant see ma followers or
leave cmmnts [bare w.me ] bt i CAN approvee tha muhfckas so stop bein
lazy n lemme a damn comment ! shoot .
& leave one if yuu aint a new follower shit . jus to say yuu read it . i
appreciate it . i miss tha loveee .
where`s myyyy looooveeeeeee !?
lol .
well im bout to go to sleep .
bbyddyy hittin me after he get homee & if i dnt go to sleep now , i wont
hear ma phonee lol .
ta taa for now lovesss :)

hi , everyonee

im baaaaack [:
not that anyonee even careeees
cus i never get any cmmnt anymooore , hella sad ]:
lmao .
damn , i guess yall onlyy wantedd to hear me whinee & cryy
over my ex.bf . . .ta haa !
yea yea .
i still think its funny he blocked me on aim .
thats tha second ex tht did that , & tha funny part issss
i wasnt evenn gonna aim they ass anywaysss !
pwahhahahahaa >:]
whaatever . i guesss
thats theree ownn wayy of trynaa forget about me .
cus my ex emailed me yesterday .
* not surprised .
then got mad lol , as always .
i said ttyl , check on me soon :]
lmao .
whattta fckn joke .
i still cnt believee all thaa liess he told .
but i've moooovedd onnn uppp . ..
likeee georgee & weezyy !
hahah .

im really happy in my new relationship tho .
i know alot of yall like damn btchhh
yuu didnt waste noo timee .
but we were closee frins beforee we hooked up
and we been tlkinn on & off sincee januaryy
when me & ma ex started really havin probs .
soo , it was destined to happen .
thats ma babyy .
my favoritee part about our relationship
is i already know everything about him
and how he acts and is in relationships .
&& weree sooo much alikee !
thats whyy he was ma "twinn" bt noww hes my "man"
lmao =/ tht sounds uhh yea . w.e
im happy tho .

sorry yall im jus blabbinn , i dnt havee anyone to talk to . i know yall
hatee my long ass blogs :D ilyall too !
hahahaa . sheeeit . idk .
im soo boredd yall . mann .
i appliedd for a few jobs todayy .
hooopefully i get a call back cus a btchh is buhrokee .
i never been this poor my whole lifeeee ! wtf .
smh , all i wanna doo is wooooork . work . work .
and havee sex w. ma bby lmaoo .
forreal . thats my summer . kindaaa >:)

until skool starts , which idk how ima pay for it cus idk how fin. aid
wrks at cmm collegee . . .[ anyone caree to sharee ??]
bt i figuree if i could get $$ to go to a csu , i should get $$ for comm
college - hopefully .
cus if i dont havee a job and savings my ass is asssed out .
grrrr . i feel likee my lifee been on hold for like a year ! plus !
i havent had a job since dec/jan 2oo8 .
* cough COUGH !
T wo T housandd Eighttttt !
its bout to be ohh - tenn :'(
im bout to turnn 21 in octoberrrr .
i should have a license , a car , a job , and my own place >:o
i have none of thee above .
im unemployed , nt in skoo [yet] , cnt drivee for sht , && still livee
w. my mommm .
ughh , & people wonder why i have bad anxiety & stress & never wanna be
bothered .
asssssswipes .
bt yahh . can i get like one comment or somn .
damn can a btchh get a shoulder to cry onn lmao
like does anybdy read what i say anymoree sheesh .
well yeaaa byee 179 followers & tha feww tht pass by :)

folllowwww herrr !

i told yall ma sis was makinn a bloggg .
follow her she's maa favvv !

http://asscrackkkk.blogspot.com/

ilyyyy breeeee :)

gosh .

so i liedd .
i said when i got on a cpu , i was gonna do this & that ,
blehhh . im lazyy & boredddd ,
we got kickedd out our apt cus they had to fix our ceinlingg cus they found
b l a ck m o l d -- ugh .
i feel like everyones health is suffering frm living in there tht long w. tht mold .
prolly whyy i always have headachess n my digestive systems all fuucked up ,
i jus hopee im not sterile >:o :(

i'd be halla saddd & hellaa paiddd cus i would bee taking a lawsuit lmaoo .
ughhh . i wanna go homee n lay downnn . i wishh i was sleep .
or at least had a job so i could be at work .
i hate not having anything to do .. ..
blahhh .
i miss myy bby , heem at work so i gotta wait til later but we talked this morning
frm 83o to 12 lol so i shooould be satisfiedd . . . .but im nooot ,
lmaoo.
** biggest cupcaker ever . lmaoo .

buuut yeaa . i was talking myy wifee/ siss into making a blog cus shes a bomb ass writer .
she writess bomb poems (: so when thts donee . ill drop thaa url .
blahh blahh bleeeh blahhh
man yal dont know how v\boreedddd i am .
i cant even typee & ma lazy ass aint goin back to fix that typo lmao .
ohhh weeeelll

im movinn in w. ma hubby when he get his own spot . . .
coming sooon .
i did my app for riverside city college yesterday so i can start skool this fall
after a 3 year hiatus . . .=/ yeaaa i knooo .
lmaoo , i hopee ma ass remeber how to read & writee & do algebra hahahaha .
im smart , i jus dont retain information well .
smhh .
whaaateverrr .
i jus wanna hurryy upp n get a job so i can work over tha summer .
go to skool for my first term thenn movee n w. ma hubby n change skoos n beee happpppyy
ffffiiiiinnnnnaaallllyyyy .
BUT .
im not plannin shit ,
cus everytimee i plan shit , it never happens .
so heyy . im taking things one dayy atta timee (:
hopee for thaa best & expect nothinggg .
butttttt myy bby jus texted me soo i happy now :D be back later .

ta taa !

happinessRECOVERED , lmao .

lol .
im soo dumb .
bt , i jus likee re.read my last post & i hatee readingg how i felt
about things in thaa past cus people always call meDRAMATIC & i alwayss
DENY lol
buut , reading tht post got me crackinn up even tho i was hurt when it
first happend lol .
but as yall can prolly tell im happy .
i chose to stay w. my bf , we talked alot about it .
i figuree im strong enoughh to deal w. it .
i doubt very highlyy he would leavee me for tha babys mother ,
jus basedd on who she is . . .buuuut
im still kindaa nervous bt hey wth , i got 8 monthss to go .
im establishedd .
im content .
i trust him . moving ooonnn . . .

so i got into it w. my ex [love of my life] lass nitee . lol .
hmm . too funny . im just too fed up w. all his liess . i dont even
understand while i still have love for him cus i truly hate his ways
.smh . he got mad cus i told him i was who i wanted to be wit .
wholee nine tho . he said i hate you , dont talker to me ever , i dont
want ntn to do w. yuu , blah blah & then blocked me on aim today lmaoo
.
i found it funny cus 10 mins before tht i had told him i hated his ass .
cus he asked if we were really thru so he can be wit his new chick , i
told himm dont let me stop yu shit . if tht makes yuu happy be ma guest
.
was i mad ? yeaa lowkey cus of how he went about it . did i do all tha
xtraa shit he did ? nooo , why ? becuss idgaf and im happy in another
relationship . lol
he feels as tho i played himm cus my bf is my old twin lol but i nvr
cheatedd on his ass . he jus prolly hurt tht im w. him now . cus he knew
my bf likedd me . but now my bf GOT me :) his losss , not minesss . lol
.

bt yeaaaaaaaaaaa . idk im boredd & ma bbyddy takinn forever to get back
homee .
im trynaa stay upp , ma tats is peelinn n itchinn bad as fckk & i wanna
cupcakee w. ma boothangg beforee i go to sleeep . ughhh .
well i guess im jus boutss to post this thenn read upp on ma fav blogss
, sorry i cnt cmmnt guyss , im on ma phonee . bt when tha cpu bck in
actionnn , ill be back :)

happinessDEFERRED .

poor me .
i never catchh any breaks .
i findd happiness & it always findss a way to slip away .
i can`t understand why it never stayss . . .
i want it to :/
im too thruu w. love .
i don`t wanna hear tha wordd , i don`t wanna feel its grasp .
bt , i won`t say fck 'it' , cus its not love`s fault .
im so tiredd of feeling it , then losing it .
im tiredd of hearing ily`s & yu mean tha world to me`s .
when in thee end . .they don`t amount to shit .
im tiredd of being tireddd .

* sigh .

i thought i finally found thaa one .
i know him . there`s nothing wrong w. him .
he is thaa one , matter fact .
so WHY does thaa devil hatee me soo muchh ?
whats thaa issue your wondering ?

hm , someone MIGHT be pregnant . . . .
and no . its not me .
leaving tha bothh of us in a fcked up predicament .
we bothh wanna be w. each other bt this fucks everything up .
i can`t be mad about thaa past but damn .
how do yuu compete w. a bby ?
yuu can`t :(

im hellaa jus . . downnnnn .
he makess me soo happy .
likee why can`t i just havee that ?
why can`t things ever go right ?
i juss wanna lovee & be happy & its impossible .

i keep finding out more & more things tht make me believe [evenn more]
that my ex was lying to me about thaa way he lovedd me ect .
& im sitting heree thanking god that i have someone that D0ES really
lovee me .
& noww i can`t havee that . . . becus of an accident .
smhh . i really jus wanna step off a cliff .

my ex fuckedd up my trust w. niggas & my bf is tha last person i can
trust becus he is like a bestfriend to me . i could trust him w. my
heart . . .bt damn . if i losee him .
im too thru . idgaf anymoree . im donee .
fuck lovee . fuck relationships . fuck sex . fuck a nigga .
[ no im not goin rainboww ] im jus sayinn like fck it .
im too emotional to deal w. this typa shit . forreal .
& its not likee my bby fucked up , cus he didnt .
tha situation is jus fucked up . he keeps apologizing for putting me
thru this but im numb . im so used to being hurt .
but im sad , cus i AM hurt . im srry to say i put my heart into it .
and here we are back AGAIN , on heartbreak blvd . . .singing thaa
sameeee sad ass love songs .

ughhhhhhh . idk man . i jus don`t know . i guess its just not meant for
me to be happy w. someone i lovee . . .
lovee just D0NT lovee mee :/

tat - tat - tatteddd upppp :)

first tat :)
tha wordd says faithh .
, m ost o ff i cial b tchhh .
- tooooooPR0PER .