18.2.09

time out .

ok .
**inhale , exhale**
i juss needa vent real fass .
cus me sittin heree thinking is making me frustrated .

mostly at myself .
im such a fucknn bag of emotions !
i swear it irritates me how emotional i am ,
&& itss like , it pisses me off !
i dont want every action i do , or someone does
to affect how i feel .
i should be able to control how i feel about certain things ,
bt i cant .

lotss of thingss hurt my feelings ,
when they shouldnt .
im jus a sensitivee ass person .
bt it depends on the situation .
cus sometime im tough as leather ,
&& sometimess im soft as cotton .
jus dependss on what it deals with .

lately ive come to the realization that ,
now that im not together with him
im insecure .
likee beforee ,
i was confident ,
&& expressive && idk , jus knew were i stood .
bt , now that were not together && i know
for a fact theres other girls he likess and talks to
i jus feel like idk ,
likee im losing .
its not that i think he lovess me any less ,
hes already reassured me .
bt itss just not enough to makee me feel how i used to feel .
cus i know that i no longer hold that position .
i mean i am still the alpha female . his number one choice .
but i still feel likee idk mannn ,
i guess im jus jealous cus im not the only female anymoree .
&& im usually NOT the jealous type .
bt now when hes not talking to me like he usually does ,
i start thinking hes talking to someone else .
he might be , or might not . && its fine ,
i mean were not together so hess free to do whatever ,
vice versa .
buut , im still idk .
i guess the fact i still wanna be with him
makes me feel this way .
mannn , idk , mannn .

i cant even explain exactly how i feel .
its complicated .
then i start feeling selfish cus i jus want things to be the way
i want them to be .
bt i have to respect the fact he doesnt wanna be in a relationship .
i mean that like a fact of life tho ,
you always want what yuu cant have .
true story .

whatever mann , fck it .

6 comments:

gor(jess). said...

o man , i understand you completely.

i was like this with my ex before .. i was never jealous until me and him deaded shit , thats when i started feeling insecure on my spot ...

it suckss. so i know how u feel
hope it all gets better for you though <33

tysofly said...

i'm very emotional too, i understand where yer coming from. just breatheeeeeee hun. you will be okay. i promiseee!

Day-Vuh-Knee said...

You think you're making no sense but you def. are. You're still apart of him and he's still apart of you. Even if it's not officially. The wound's still fresh, so you think theres some hope. I mean thats how I felt when I got out of my relationship. But don't hurt yourself if he ain't gonna be there, no matter what y'all went through. But I wish you the best.

lex. said...

sheesh;
you're definitely speakin my story with a couple details triggerred differently. but ohhhh man. it's scary.

Qu33n Kam... said...

Ive been in this exact position before...i kno exactly how u feel...but only time will tell if its meant to be... he is young so he wants to explore but in his heart he knows ur the best he ever had. He will come around!! ^_^

theresa stacey said...

I understand you fully girl me and my "boyfriend" are not fully together right now and it just brings all kinds of stress and emotions