my pagee

issss cuuuuuuteeeeeee :]

huh ? , lol .

a vacation . . .

. . .is waaaaaay overdue !

sheeshh .
i swear ive never been this easily irritated or impatient .
lately, shit jus been rubbinn me the wrong way .
little thingss too .
i jus be sittinn theree breathinn all hard n shit , trynaa calm my nerves .
lol .
thats sooo not like me !
im the most calm , nonchalant , not caring person i know of !
im assuming im jus overdue for a vacation .
im trapped in a box with the same issues constantly circulating && constantly facing me .
it getss frustrating .
i' ve never seen myself as selfish or a brat .
cus im not .
bt , lately ive noticedd i get mad off little shit
cus ppl wont do what i ask .
lol .
thats unusual !!!!
how tf did i get this way ??

idk , dont really care .
i dont care about alotta shit anymoree .
everything is 'ohhhhh wellll '.
shit .
im focused .
i gotta get ma shit back together .
&& soon , cus if i dont
ima losee my damnn mind !
i be feelinn like borderline spazzin out .
lol .
i needa punchin bag or somn .
i felt like whoopin somebodyss ass today cus i was mad .
&& im not even the fighting type ! lmaoo .
shit , this environment is reflecting negatively on my goodness .
i need a getawayy so i can jus . . . clear my mind .
i miss good times , && laughing , && hugging , && kissing && feeling loved .
i jus dont get any of that anymore .

the homie was jus tellin me today how he feels lonely ,
cus he not talkinn to no females right now .
&& i could kinda relate , i know how he feels cus ,
i used to be the same way .
im not AS lonely anymoree cus i have someone to talk to
and to comfort me , someone to love me bt im still lonely in ways , physically i guess .
i've jus totally blocked it out so i dont think about it .

i lwky feel like im becoming bitter ,
&& i DO NOT wanna be bitter .
i lovee laughing && loving .
bt im tiredd of trying bt not getting
what i should in return .
&& most people would look for it elsewhere .
bt , i dont even feel like doing that ,
im avoiding meeting new people .
i dont feel like doing that whole --
im this && im that , what are yuu into
get to know each other bullshit .
i dont wanna share myself with anyone else .
i dont wanna learn anybody actions && thought process .
i deal with enough as is .

**sigh . [ rolls eyes ] smh .
my lifee right now is jus annoying to me .
&& suree i can make it funn or w.e. if i wanted ,
bt on the contrary , i dont want that .
i just wanna find a dumb job && stay busy .
i dont even wanna have time to worry about what
other ppl are doing .
i jus wanna get back to doing me .

foxy lady =]

okay , so in honor of black history month :] i jus wanna talk about one of my fav old actresses & thats pam grier . she been around over 3 times my life lol . && she stillll bad !



you can see her on the L word :] im not into girls bt i lovvvvveeee that show , it got so muchh drama ! & i lovee how they all have exciting jobss && they all got good fashion && itss jus a nicee look into another world that i dont livee .



what gets me is that shes 60 ! && i was jus lookin at her on the show like dayyyyumm shee bomb af !
lol . i hopee i look like her when i get 60 =D
ferreal doe .
i was gon post moree picturess bt im lazy lol .


bottom linee is she been in the game for a min [sincee the 70's] && she still doin her thang ! :]

goo mamass !

** updatee .

well i dont really havee anything super important or emotional to say
so ill juss updatee yuu on me these lass couplee dayss .

- im stilllllllll looking for employment >:O , i swear to godd itss never been this hard to find a job in my life . looking for a job in the i . e . [inland empire ] is likee lookin for a needle in a damnn haystack . smh . && im suree theress jobs out here , bt i guess it dont help that im picky . most of all the ppl i know that have jobs out here work in fass food , [ &no disrespect to the ppl tht work in that industry ] buuuut jellie's first job wasnt even fass food , so she really aint movin backwards to work fass food now . thats jus not for me , im str8 . lol . so i guess ill jus keeeep looking . itss so fuckin discouraging =/

- my lovee lifee is nicee at the moment . we're having one of our better weeks =] . i dont know what was so special about yesterday , but i havent heard him tell me he missed me && lovedd me soo muchh sincee before we brokee up . it was so refreshing && comforting :] it was kindaa jus like a reminder of how muchh he lovess me && how much i lovee him back . i lovee days like tht .
hopefully the good timess keep rollinnn :]

- family life . pshh . wtf is that . i spend all my time in the house . with my mom && her husband . && evenn tho i dislikee it most of the time , i still stay in the house . itss been a okay week tho .
no arguments or dramaa so its been str8 .

- i been thinking about goin out lately . i lowkey miss the party lifee , bt i jus havent brought myself to goin out yet . i will real soon tho :] i promisee !

all in all . lifee still fuckinn suckss . buuuuut , my main focus right now is findin me a fuckin job so i can get back on my feet . im 21 in october && i wanna start school this fall . i need income for all the shit i need to accomplish BEFORE then . whichh is ALOT lol . soooo . if anyone knowss anyone hiring or can help me in some type of wayy in this areaa . HELP ME ! im begging you ! im desperate ! - jus not desperate enough to work fass food [ dont judge me lmao .]

byee yall .

[ps] all i been listeninn to is ;
bobby v - the rebirth
slim- loves crazy
drake - so far gone
&& hella coldplay .
weirdd assss comboo huhhh ?? =/

so far gone .

bess cd of o9 ;

handss downn .

" . . .so what i tend to do is to think , of today , as the past ; its funny when yuu comin in first bt you hope that you last ; you just hope , that it last . " - lust for life .

- self explanatory , im obsessed with this song :]

[fav song is uptownn tho ; tht shit is bananassssss !]

if you aint downloaded it yet , wtf are yuu doinn ????

time out .

ok .
**inhale , exhale**
i juss needa vent real fass .
cus me sittin heree thinking is making me frustrated .

mostly at myself .
im such a fucknn bag of emotions !
i swear it irritates me how emotional i am ,
&& itss like , it pisses me off !
i dont want every action i do , or someone does
to affect how i feel .
i should be able to control how i feel about certain things ,
bt i cant .

lotss of thingss hurt my feelings ,
when they shouldnt .
im jus a sensitivee ass person .
bt it depends on the situation .
cus sometime im tough as leather ,
&& sometimess im soft as cotton .
jus dependss on what it deals with .

lately ive come to the realization that ,
now that im not together with him
im insecure .
likee beforee ,
i was confident ,
&& expressive && idk , jus knew were i stood .
bt , now that were not together && i know
for a fact theres other girls he likess and talks to
i jus feel like idk ,
likee im losing .
its not that i think he lovess me any less ,
hes already reassured me .
bt itss just not enough to makee me feel how i used to feel .
cus i know that i no longer hold that position .
i mean i am still the alpha female . his number one choice .
but i still feel likee idk mannn ,
i guess im jus jealous cus im not the only female anymoree .
&& im usually NOT the jealous type .
bt now when hes not talking to me like he usually does ,
i start thinking hes talking to someone else .
he might be , or might not . && its fine ,
i mean were not together so hess free to do whatever ,
vice versa .
buut , im still idk .
i guess the fact i still wanna be with him
makes me feel this way .
mannn , idk , mannn .

i cant even explain exactly how i feel .
its complicated .
then i start feeling selfish cus i jus want things to be the way
i want them to be .
bt i have to respect the fact he doesnt wanna be in a relationship .
i mean that like a fact of life tho ,
you always want what yuu cant have .
true story .

whatever mann , fck it .

you got me [ addicted .]

i swear this song explains exactly how i feel .
lol .
i been listenin to this on repeat for like the past 48 hrs .

Have you ever wanted something so bad

( You just gotta have it)

Even though you not suppose to

( You just gotta have it)

Now Everybody in the world

( Has some type of habit)

That'll take you, and'll turn you in some type of an addict

Now let me tell you bout this situation I'm in

I'll probably have to go to rehab this time

It Gets me higher then anything your thinking of

(Like the first time I've feel in love)I feel in love

I Never would have thought that I would be a fiend

But it's way to strong (Just way to strong)

You Never know you miss it until you look around and see it's all gone

And it keeps calling me, calling me, calling me

After one time I just can't quit

You got me hook so I must admit ( you got me so)

You got me (addicted), so (addicted), so ( addicted)

No matter how I try I still can't resist (still can't resist babe)

Now I understand why I feel like this

you got me (addicted), so (addicted), so ( addicted), so (addicted)

I can't stop thinking got my head going round and round

ooh late nights searching everywhere ( all over town)

They tell me theres more to life ( Just let it go)

But I tell them if feels like this all I'm living for

ooh what am I to do ( So hard for me to change)

Life without it now, (it will never be the same)

Gets me higher then anything your thinking of

(Like the first time I've feel in love)I feel in love

Never would have thought that I would be a fiend

But it's way to strong (Just way to strong)

Never know you miss it until you look around and see it's all gone

And it keeps calling me, calling me, calling me

After one time I just can't quit

You got me hook so I must admit ( you got me so)

You got me (addicted), so (addicted), so ( addicted)

No matter how I try I still can't resist (still can't resist babe)

Now I understand why I feel like this

you got me (addicted), so (addicted), so ( addicted), so (addicted)

U Got Me - slim of 112

smh . lol .

i swear everytimee i blog about how i feel .
he always sayss somn to me that makes me feel better .

"ahmor <3 ." (12:53:21 AM):
Well like u always talkin like u a fool n feel dumb cus u love me but I do really love u more thAn anything but like it's not that I don't show it r know how to make u understand but like I understand u n I think we stand n da same state a mind

=]
simple as that .

the way it is .

**sigh .
mannnnnn .
i cryed lass nitee .
i truely thought i was done ,
bt i let my emotions get the best of me
&& sometimess , i cant fight it .
why did i cry ??
becausee i started to see thingss that i ' ve been blind to .
and it hurts my heart .

whyyy do i put up with the shit i do ?
why ?
why ?
i ask myself that everyday .
&& i can never come up with more than the fact that
i love him .
hmmmm .
is that really enough ?
my sis/wifee said something to me that stuck , she said
"if its meant for you to let him go , then you will "
pretty contrary to what most ppl say ,
bt it makess me feel like im not being as stupid as i feel .
when i sit here trying to figure out why i cant let him go .

he asked me the other day if i was falling outta love with him
i guess cus of the way i was acting ,
bt i dont think its that .
i jus think im pulling myself away because im tired of being so vulnerable
and im the only one getting hurt .
i dont lovee him any less .
i jus dont wanna lovee him anymore than i already do .
sure , in reality, i could live without him .
bt in MY reality , i can 't .
i ' ve given him so much of me &&
im so used to him in my everyday lifee
that to jus walk away or try to push him away or
forget about him && act like i dont care anymoree
is too hard to deal with .

i can deal with with the fact were not together ,
i can deal with the fact hes doing whatever he wants with whoever he wants ,
bt i cant deal with they ' re being another HER , of importance .
someone that could potentially takee my spot .
bt i mean thats lifee .
im scared for things to end bt when you sit && actually
think about how many coupless actually last && do everything they promise each other .
itss not very many .

why do we sell these dreams to the ones we lovee
when we know none of its guaranteed ?
we can feel one way at one point , then everything changes
and everything you said before , now becomes lies bcus now
you made promises you no longer care to keep .

i always wish i didnt lovee so hard .
i mean this is the first time ive ever felt REAL mutual love
for someone . && i ' ve never experienced this kind of relationship .
i know what type of lover i am , && i love whole-heartedly .
with 1000% effort , support , loyalty ect .
i would do / give anything to & for him .
bt idk , if thats what he wants .
bt who wouldnt ?

lol .
males confuse me .
how do you have a girl who would give / do anything for you .
so selfless && loving bt you still dont want her ?
[ && im not saying he dont want me , cus he still does ; we jus arent together ]
bt thats jus how i be feelin sometimes .
bt i guess its normal for things to go bad in relationships .
i guess its jus practice for making the relationship stronger .
sometimes i care . sometimes i dont .
bt i guess thats jus the way it is .

i wonder if thats how chriss did ri- ri ??

lmao .
okay .
not really funny bt got damn .
&& he did it in front of his kidss && hers !
thats a btchh nigga for ya .
wait no - a nigga btchh !

i wish it had sound so you could tell what happndd =/
go to 34 secs .

dont mind me .

bt im boredd . jus clickin away on you tube lol .
bt this white girl sing hella good .
ive heard hella ppl TRY to sing this song bt she doess hella good !

ps - she talk hella much, fass forward to 49 secs lol .

r mm f a o !

i reallllllly hope this girl is acting .
cus woooowwwww .
rmmfao .
she fckin crzy !
lol .
first she talkin crazy to the old lady , then she get into it wit the niggga .
smfh .

" im pressin chaaarges ! "
hahahahahahhaaaaa !

happy valentiness day !

i hope you guyss enjoy it .

evenn tho im not like i was going to ,

i still started my day off on the right track .

yay for me !

hopefully it lastss all day .

to all the loverss out theree ,

today is for you .

enjoy it =]

so far ; so good .

so i've been waiting for somn outta wack to happen sincee its the 13th
bt all i've noticed is evrybody is m . i . a !
im likee wtf ???
lol .

oh well .
so really all i been doin is listenin to music ,
&& looking for apartmentss cus if i dont research where i want us to move to
my mom or her husband gon pick ,
&& fuuuck all tht .
lol .
psh .
so yeaa .
we supposed to movee next month cus the lease is over && my mom dont wanna pay the rent increase for this piece of shit ass apt we livee in now , which i agree .
i miss our 3 bdroom =/

whaatevr .
so anyways ,
i confronted my mom about her husband this mornin when i woke up ,
cus yet again he pissed me off .
so when he left to the storee , i let her have it .
she didnt have anything to say , cus she knew i was right with all the points i made .
only thing she said was , "why didnt you tell him that "
im lookin at her like
**smirk .
you know damn well he cant take this heat he gon get all over dramitic n shit
&& start makin threats that dont nobody wanna hear .
so ima jus keep the peace by tellin you .
so at some point when i do let loose on his ass .
you know why .

i havent really said muchh about my relationship with my bf[ex] .
lol . i know yall like why yuu dont jus say yo ex .
&& its like , cus he still feels like my bf , bt hes not , lol , hes my ex .
bt , annnywaaayss .
idk .
i dont even know what to say about us right now .
bt im getting in one of my doubting moods again .
like ,
doubting that everything we tell each other is really gonna happen .
i think sometimes i over interpret things when things dont go as they normally do .
&& i start over reacting .
bt , i jus figuree ima fall back for a min .
to see where we stand .
cus lately we still talk everyday like we still together .
bt yesterday was a little odd .
i know him like the back of my hand so i know when hes not his regular self .
&& i could tell yesterday he wasnt in a talkative mood .
&& i didnt know if it was jus me . or he didnt wanna talk to anybody .
i felt a little helpless tho . likee as much as i wanted to talk to him
i knew that forcing the conversation was jus gonna make me mad
cus i know he wasnt gonna talk back like he usually does .
so instead ,
i jus gave him his space .
and left it up to him to talk to me when he wanted .
&& i told him this .
he jus said alright && told me he loved me .
i left it at that .
times passing .
so i jus said , dont go to bed without saying anything .
&& he said something before he went to bed .
so i respected it .
still a little hurt by the fact he really didnt wanna talk tho .
we had our lil chit chats bt nothing like a typical conversation .

--my conclusion .
i have to realize that we arent together .
&& im still expecting for everything to stay the same when its not .

--my solution .
fa-fall baack .
as hard as its gonna be .
ima jus give him his spacee .
to see if he'll miss me like i do him .
cus im pretty suree he will .

im singlee bt i dont even care .
its really whatever .
all i want is my baby back .

itsss . . .

friday the thirteenth .

&& i can already tell itss gonna be a bad day .
scratch that .
bad weekend =/

no valentines date .

not going to the movies anymoree .

jus fcknn suckss .

oh well .

havee fun kidss =]

current mood :

mad !

lol .
why ?
cus ima big ass bby && i get mad when thingss dont go the way i want them to .
yea . so what .
idgaf .
i have expectations of certain things &&
when theyre not met ,
i get pissed off .

join the club .

new addiction .

the songss old .
bt its on his new cd .
bt i been listenin to this on repeat for the past hour .
lol .

remindss me of princee . . prolly why i likee it so much =]

my biggest hater

is my mothers husband [k].

psh .
i dont hate many people .
bt i can truely say i hate his ass .
i reeeallly from the botttom of my heart do NOT like him .
i swear .

have you ever had someone thats allllllways worried about you or talking about you ?
thats him .
he ALWAYS no matter what .
has something to say about something i am or not doing .
always finds someway to put my name in a conversation .
i swear to you he brings me up or says my name every 30 mins .
its soooooo agitating !
i fuckin hateee negative people && he always gotta be down talking me talkin bout what im not or dont do like he doin sooo much better .
im like bitchh ! get the fck outta here !
mann .
i havee no idea what my mom sees in him .
bt thats who she loves && he makes her happy so i deal with him .
no one in my entire lifee has been so concerned about what JELLiE is doing .
its like ,
since everyone know i dont have a phone no more .
i spend the majority of my day on the cpu cus i cant live without aim .
so since i' d rather spend my time on the cpu to myself ,
instead of watching tv and talking to them .
its a problem .
he 's like ohh the cpu is her life , she cant live without the cpu .
blah blah blah .
&& im likee wtf . its not even the cpu . its my source of communication !
thenn whenevr i do somn that makes him mad , for whatever reason .
it becomes , ima take the cpu apart , or ima sell the cpu .
jus because they know its the only thing i actually enjoy .
im likee ....
who gets mad becuss someone spends time to there self ?
i sit on the cpu in my ownnn world .
wit my headphones on .
doin what i do .
bt thats a fucking PROBLEM ?

how the fuck does that bother someone else ??????
im like mann .
i swear he jus ughhh .
if i was a man , id whoop his ass .
always talkin bout ily you know that .
i hate tellin him ilhim back cus i dont .
bt i do it cus then hes gon compplain to my mom && then i gotta deal with her .
smh .
its frustrating .
hes not my father . not my step dad . idc if they are married .
all he is to me is the man my mom married .
i dont respect him under any circumstances .
im cordial only cus i have to be .
i dont like engaging in converstaions with him
bt when i ignore him he starts complaining .
hes like the biggest btchh ass man i know .
a bigg ass old ass overgrown kid .
hes always playin around n shit .
it jus drives me crazy !
i be like sit the fck down && stfu already !

he talks shit everyday about me .
&& my mom usually defends me .
bt when she does he gets mad .
&& i stopped sayin shit cus when i say somn it becomes a bigass argument
then he wants to get all dramatic talkin bout hes leavin cus blah blah blah
then after he leaves i gotta hear my mama mouth &&& im likee omfg !
i didnt even start shit !

they mad cus i dont have a job .
bt im fuckin FURIOUS>:O
they act like i really wanna spend 24 hours a day in this fckin household dealin with this shit
if i found a job id work double shifts just to stay out the house .
im literally losing all my patience && composure in here .
im always on edge && readyy to pop off at any moment .

i juss cant staannnnnd , when
ONE person is alwayssss worried about ANOTHER person .
likeeee
if you worried about YOURSELF the world would be a better place .
i dont have enough time in the world to always be concerned about what the NEXT mtfcka is doin .
pah . miss me with that please .
ill pass .

i addedd . . .

likee 20 moree songss on my playlist to your right :D

lol .
yall prolly dont even browse through .
bt shoot i would .

lol .
i loveeeee music .
i listen to anything && everything .
mostly songs that i start vibin or dancin to tho =]

enjooooy !

one hundred .

followers :]

ily guyssss !

irritabilityy .

f u c k !

mann .
im gettin in one of my irritatedd moods .
i tend to get this way every now and againn .
not as muchh as i usedd to thoo .

it startss with one thing .
then all these other things start to annoy me cus im already agitated .
then i jus get flat out irritated by EVERYTHING .
ill be calm .
bt jus on egde .
likee mannn FUUUUUUCK !
lol .

then ppl always make it worse .
likee whats wrong ? why yuu irritated ?
like jus cus i am !
then they be like bt why ?
like mtfckaa dont worry about why !
jus know that i AM !
&& yuu makin it worse !
lol .
shit .

i try really hard to stay happy .
bt sometimes it jus dont last .
&& i depend on other people to help me out .
&& then when they dont succeed i jus be annoyed .
i wonder how life would be if everyone got what they wanted . .
likee . ..
do yuu think the world would be a happier place ??
cus i know if i had everything i wanted .
i wouldnt give a shxt about nuthin else .
goin on wit anybody or anything else .
like theree would be no reason for hating .
no reason for stealing .
no reason for killing .
ect . ect .

buuuut .
thats not how the cookie crumbles .
lifes not easy .
you gotta work && suffer for everything .
smh .
guess we should jus be satisfied with the fact were breathing .
bt what difference does that make if your place on earth isnt making a difference ?
blahhhhhh .
im jus annoyed with everything && everybody right now .
lifee itself jus pisses me off .
so many questionss i wish i had answers to ,
bt probably wont ever know .
i dont look forward to shit anymore ,
cus everythings jus a fuckin disappointment .
whaaaaaatever ,
thats all i gotta say to everything .
whatever .
whatever .
WHAT THE FCK EVER !
lol .
i lovee swearing =]
evenn tho its not very lady likee for some reason the swear words do the best of expressing my emotions .
like MTFCKA !
lol .
see =]
bt yeaaa . i guess im donee .

ohh && btw , cb && rihanna . mmm yeaa .
no comment .
all i gotta say is aint no btchh worth fckinn up millions .
he shouldaa went about it differently .
bt oh well whats done is donee .

currently .

im freeezing my ass off .
im wrapped up in a blanket bt its not helping .
shit even my face got chill bumps on it .
lol .
"it never rains in southern california:" my ass .
it been rainin for likee the lass week .
&& its supposedd to rain on valentiness day .
which im mad about cus im goin to the movies ,
& i hate goin placess when its raining .

i wanna flat iron my hair cus im tired of it bein curly
bt its kinda like whats the point ?
cus its jus gon get fucked up frm the rain .
smh
i cant wait for the spring .

bt anywho .
annoying ass day .
i swear i woke up on the wrong sidee of the bed this mornin
lol .
i was readyy to cuss everybody out .
i washed the dishes then took a shower to relieve the tension .
my moms husband been gettin on my nerves since forever
and he asked me today , do i hatee when he bugs me?
&& i said i really do .
he was like really ?
guess i hurt his feelins .
oh well .
idgaf .
i hate when ppl constantly over yo shoulder breathin on yuu askin yuu shit
or tryna joke around .
i have my time when i like to play around bt not every damn day .
that shit erks me .

im so cold my damn fingernails is purple .
im bout to turn the heat on cus yeaaa .
lol .

bbl if i got somn to say .

another fckedd up nitee .

dont you hatee when you see somn that you dont expect to see .
&& it rubss you the wrong way ?

smh .
man . that happened to me earlier .
one thing after the other .

i feel like shit .
me && my bf[ex] used to always talk about how much we loved each other .
&& i tonite i told him i'd give my life for him .
[ like beforeee. . ]
&& he didnt even have anything to say .
[which isnt regular .]

i felt so fcknn dumb for telling him that .
even tho ive told him before && he told me before .
his speechlessness wasnt what i expected .
&& he told me it wasnt bad that he was speechless so dont feel dumb .
bt i was hurt .

i swear i wanted to cry .
it hurt my heart .
it was likee he dont lovee me how he used to .
or it made me think twicee about what he used to tell me .

then the conversation was over so i couldnt even lift my spirits with him like i wanted .
smh .
now i wish i jus wouldnt have elaborated on how MUCH i lovee hiss ass .
cus i couldve saved myself the doubt && stuff .
jus another fcked up weekend . to add to the list .

hopefully sundays better .

i . h . f.

= i hate fridays .

what ever happenedd to t.g.i.f ?
i mean i guesss when your in school or go out all the time you look forward to the weekend .
not i .

i currently havee no lifee so i cant stand the weekend .
all that means to me is that everyone i talk to has something to do .
&& there aint gon be shit on tv .
lol .

its 1235am .
im bored af .
every weekend remindss me how much i hate my lifee
&& makess me miss my old lifee .

this isnt forever . so i guess i shouldnt frown .
life is what yuu make it right ?
only if thingss were that simple . . .

lol .
how come everything in my life gotta be so damn complex .
why cant it be likeee .
go to skool .
go to work .
chill wit the hubby .
eat .
have sex .
sleep .
&& repeat process ?

i mean at one point im suree it could go tht way .
bt at thee moment .....
psh .
ugh .
what suckss the most is half the time i dont even feel like being bothered
with people .
yet im always bored cus im alone .
how fcknn contradictory is that ?
the only person i ever wanna talk to is him .
pah . BIG surprise right .
smh .
everythings always interesting even when its boring .
i anticipate his responses .
i reminsce on things we talk about .
im a mess .
they say ,

yuu aint never felt a love like THIS .

yall prolly havent .
lol .
man . i stopped smokinn for the new year bt im sooo tempted to start back .
shit .
especially when im tryna sleep !
cus when im high && i close my eyesss . . .
i drift off into that booomb deeeep sleep .
that DO NOT DISTURB sleep lol .
not a care in the world .

hmph . i wish .
well i guess i could stop wishing .
back to reality >>>>
its now 1244am .
listening to coldplay .
missin my bby .
&& i wish i had somee in n out =/

fuckin fridays !!!!

a.m. feelings .

i dont really have anythinq of importance to say .
bt i just felt the need to blog .
just to say - im happy :]

i mean i been happy for a min now [on && off ]
bt at this moment like RIGHT now THIS min .
im happy .
my face looks like >>> =]
lol .
im suree yall know why .
i ramble onn about my bf [ex] in like every post .
bt hes a huge part of my life .
he makess me soo happy .
&& i havee no idea why .
sometimes i get mad at myself cus i know i shouldnt jus let things fall back to the way they used to be . especially since we arent together right now . bt i enjoy being happy . && he does that for me .
not that other people cant .
dont get me wrong . bt .
its just not the height of happiness he gives me .
i be likee on tht ectasy high happiness =]
thats that good shit .
who throws that away looking for something to replace it ?
when your not guaranteed a better replacement .
im content with how things are .
i have no idea why im soo content .
bt lol .
i still get the attention i need to feel like im still important .
shit , i KNOW im still important .
he may fck another btchh whilee we seperated , bt puhleese believe
shes NOT taking my spot . lmao .
id like to see a btchh try .
itss whatever whatever tho .
im just rambling .
im bout to hit the sack .
im tired .
niteey nitee lovess =]

i got accepted to . .

csu - dominguez hills :D !!!!!

i got into northridgee in 07 bt i fucked it off .
im trying againn .
any advicee college goers ??

i havee nooo ideaa how im bout to pay for thiss . lmao .
bt , i gotta do what i need to .

bitterSWEET**

i havee no ideaa what im doing anymoree .
im donee thinking .
im following . . .
what makes me happy =]

its him .
he knows it .
giving him up for a moment is happier than giving himm upp forever .
so i settled .
im content with it .
even tho i prolly ruinedd something potential .
my heart is him .
&& i decided to leave it that way .
being single isnt so hard when you still feel like your still in a relationship .

**his way of putting it ;

" we married but we broke up but not divorced ."

i laughedd .
smh .
free to do whatever the fuck we want .
bt too proud && in lovee to completely let each other go && grow .
selfishhh && stingyy .
the both of us .

contentment =]
i dont feel like im making a mistake .
i might be .
bt i guess ill learn .
til then .
let me lovee && let me smilee .

: ]

"ahmor <3 ." (3:45:42 AM): im not perfect k
hahabxtchplz (3:48:25 AM): why yuu say yuu not perfect
"ahmor <3 ." (3:48:51 AM): cus im not
hahabxtchplz (3:49:12 AM): nobdys perfect bby .
"ahmor <3 ." (3:49:26 AM): u r


i think my heart skipped a beat =]
we still not back togethr tho . lol .

good shit .

i know yall remmeber this shit ,
this shit still bang . lol .
i remember when the neptunes first started blowin up .
lol . fav britney song ever =]


Britney Spears - Im A Slave 4 U (HQ) - Britney Spears