day one .

so . today was a good day :)
i feel like i got a lot accomplished today .
im happy for myself :)
* does happy dance . *

i don't have school tmmw so im happy i get to sleep in lol . i digress .
. .
today is uh , the first day me and Him havent spoken .
we talked all of about 10 mins yesterday (our one year anniversary of
meeting) .
i was hurt he didn't wanna talk but he claimed we NEED this break bc we
been arguing too much .
& unfortunately we have . and unfortunately its been mostly bc of my
insecurities but whatever .
i guess you can't work out a relationship that doesn't exist .
the funny part is , i don't even care as much as i thought i would .
i think i stopped caring last night .
i went to leave him a cmmnt but his "friend" had already left one sayin
all the shit i used to say .
lol .
hmm , i just laughed .
like is she supposed to be taking my man ?
wait no .
my ex . he's not my man anymore lol .
i keep forgetting . . .
i don't even know what we are anymore .
i really don't appreciate being broken up with then having some
female"friend" instantly tryna take my spot .
i wonder how he would feel if i woulda let Z step back in after he broke
up with me .
i know how he would feel , he'd be mad af and tell me he's cool on me .
he's done with me .
but id be wrong if i did all that just on tha account i feel hella
disrespected .
ahhh , double standards .
no wait , im just more nice i guess .
if yall really wanna know im pissed tf off about the whole situation but
ooohh weellll .
i just don't care anymore .
and after expressing how i felt for tha last time last nite im done .
idk what he has planned .
i kinda feel dumb for waiting .
like why am i waiting ???
besides the fact i love him and wanna be with him .
but the crazy shit is , i used to put him on a pedastal as perfect .
but you know how once you say something is perfect you start seeing the
imperfections?
right .
maybe we do need this break .
he said he loves me . i don't have anything to worry about .
but that wasn't promised and i don't believe promises anyways .
aint shit in life promised , not even tommorow .
my number one question i ask myself is am i pushing him into another
bitch arms ? or am i just not exciting as i used to be and he's
disinterested .
we NEED a break ??
im so baffled .
he needs space away frm me . i guess im getting on his nerves .
or maybe he wants to be single without me makin him feel guilty cus im
always askin him questions .
idk , im done tryna figure out shit .
at this moment i don't really care .
i love that boy and he knows it .
but sometimes i feel like i express how much i love someone so much that
they do shit bc they know ill stay .
i really hope this love thing works itself out cus i feel like im losing
my enthusiasm of the emotions i feel .
love doesn't feel the way it used to .
or it doesn't feel the way its supposed to .
i just want to stop being told how much im loved and see it in action or
be surprised by how much im loved .
can someone come sweep me off my feet and take me out and spend all
their time with me and lay next to me and look me in my eye and tell me
how much they love me ?
im tired of talking and fantasizing .
im starting to feel like im not supposed to have it . cus for some
reason i can't get it .
whatever .
i came in this world by myself , ill prolly go out this bitch thaa
saaameee waaay .
i wouldnt be surprised .
on that note .
i HOPE this break helps bring us back together .
if it doesn't . . . idk :( i guess ill talk abt it if it happens .