what's L0VE got to do with it ?

not a got damn thang ! at all .
you know I've heard that almost all my life & i jusst now understand it
.
were done i guess .

*insert aww`s or handclaps here*

yea , apparantly he figured out todaay that he wants to be with her .
you know his "friend" . yea . right .
why doesn't he wanna be with me anymore ?
i guess " our relationship hasn't been tha same since we got back
together " and " all we been doin is hurtin each other " and " his heart
is tellin him our relationship is never gonna work " .

aint that bout a bitch .
NEVER gonna work ?? it could've . it wouldve .
so yea . whatever . my intuition was correct .
as alllwaaays .
and im mad bc im ALWAYS FUCKN RIGHT !!
can i be proven wrong !?? like damn .
i don't fuckin care anymore .
like im done with boyfriends and heartbreak .
i wouldnt be so affected if it wasn't back to back .
but i guess that's my fault for going frm one relationship into another
.
but to be completely honest .
the way i felt when he first told me he wanted to be with her .
i wanted to say i hate you .
i don't hate him , but i hated him at that moment .
if he was in front of me i prolly wouldve hit him .
i was that angry .
i just signed off .
we talked and that didn't help .
im mad and confused and hurt .
ughhh .

i took a shower so i could cry in peace & i literally stood in tha same
spot for 30 mins just crying . i couldn't move . i didn't even touch tha
soap til i was already wrinkled .
i never understood what it felt like in those movies when girls just
break down n tha shower crying .
i felt that . i cryed hard , like someone died .
and something did , my heart .
i had soo many questions running thru my mind .
why does this always happen to me ?
what am i doing wrong ?
why can't i be loved the way i love?
wtf is wrong with me !?
likee i hate feelin like this
it happens eveeerytime , and ppl never understand why i act the way i do
, why im so insecure .
its bc im scared of wtf just happened .
its inevitable . and i realized love don't have shit to do with it .
im misunderstood .
i think i misunderstand love . either that or im not being loved right
.
cus i swear things should've been different .
i try soo hard and have soo much faith in my relationships . id do
anything to make them work .
and i don't mean forcing it .
i wanna be with someone who wants to be with me .
i don't wanna be cheated on , lied to , played , neglected none of that
shit .
i just wanna be happy .
and i guessssss that's not meant for me right now .

im soo off love .
im good .
they say don't take your anger out on love .
but fuck that love didn't save me did it .?
yea im young but its unfair to me that im bout to be 21 and never had a
real happy relationship .
i wanna cry again writing this bc i feel so stupid .
like he was so different . he was my friend first and i knew him . he
was perfect for me . . .
i feel bamboozled .
not that he lied about his love bc i know that he does .
but its so unfortunate for my heart , bc after i finallly loved him with
all of me , no loving anyone else .
it gets broke . all of it .
like mann yall don't even understand how i feel .
i told yall i was scared . and he knew that and he fckn assured me not
to be .
smh . right .
now yall see why i dnt believe promises . i no longer hold my breathe
for shit . bc in all of 12 hours his feelins for me changed .
bc i swear when he called and woke me up this morning he wasn't tellin
me none of that shit .
im angry but im not only bc i knew it was gonna happen.
im disappointed bc out of alll people I NEVER EVR EVR EVR EVER thought
he would do me like he just did . i never trusted no nigga wit my heart
or my life the way i did with him .
like im not over exaggerating when i say my heart feels broken . my
chest gets tight and feels like it dropped n my stomach .
i don't even think me and z`s breakup hurt me this bad .
but i don't wanna cry . i gotta be strong for me . cus that's the only
person i got . its just me for now on .
im cool off niggas for a cool min . esp tha sweet jellie . cus after 2
heartbreaks im at mean & heartless .
i warned yall . bt im now in full effect . idgaf .
i just want my career . my car . and my place .

as far as james .
he wants to still be friends BUT
i can't do it .
i keep tryna be his friend , but i can't succeed .
i love him too fuckin much .
he said we started that way so hopefull we can end tha same .
but fck that . we STARTED that way , that was the beginning .
i gave him my heart , and all of me if i could .
i can't backtrack my feelins .
i could try to be his friend but it would just leave me in secret
heartache . & i don't wanna feel that .
i really hope that girl was worth it .
funny 3 days ago he told me she wasn't , but everythings different now
.
whatever . i hope he's happy .
ill find mines, eventually .

just because .

knowledge is my life . music is my life . happiness is my life . love is my life. he is my life . i love MY life :)

september twentyeighth , two twenty pm .

holaa .
im boreed , waiting on tha bus so i decided to post .
just got outta skool (on time) for oncee lol ,
i didn't have any dumb papers to type so today was a awesome day
condering i had a test in my 1st class and all we had to do was take it
then leave , and in my 2nd class we just watched movies lol .
im feelin it .
its a nice ass day weather wise too !
not toooo hot but sunny and windy and yeaa its just nice .
i got my shorts shades and sandals on lookin nicee .
lol .
my thighs are getting sunburned as we speak >:o
lol . i wentn got me a cup a water frm thiss food place cus i have an
obsession with ice .
i bring a cup to school n my purse jus so i can go to tha cafeteria and
fill it up wit ice out tha soda machine lol .
but umm yea , i dnt even have shit to say , im just tryna pass time .
bout to go home n find something to eat then prolly go to sleep .
im anticipating my birthdaay ! man . it needs to hurry up lol . forreals
.
ugh and im bout to freeze to death on this fucking bus cus they got
shields on tha windows and tha ac on fullblast , and its prolly only 75
degrees , smh . goshh .
well ill be back sooner than laterr , bye lovess .

ps - im back to curls :D

its always greeater laater .

so you should smile :) i haven't posted in awhile so i figured i should
do a quick update for my religious readers :)

as you noticed i changed my blog title again .
you guys know how i am with change .
so i always change it according to how im feeling in life at tha time .
and i settled with 'lost in translation' .
bc a lot of times my thoughts or views are lost in translation to the
next person .
i always have to end up explaining why i did or said something tha way i
did . bt that's okay . bc i want people to understand the real meaning
.
my life consists of school and him .
i go to school monday thru thursday .
and even tho i have 2 classes everyday btwnn class and doing papers
after skool & commuting its like a fuckin 9 to 5 .
im sooo exhausted everyday . but i guess my bodys still adjusting .
hopefully by this month ill be koo .

my love life is difficult but well worth it . its a constant battle
btwnn understanding and misunderstanding .
surprise and misfortune and growth .
its crazy , cus everyday its something . but everyday we have another
talk . which results in another understanding to my man and his love for
me .
i was mad that we weren't together anymore but on another note its like
were still growing so its kinda good that were learning before were in
our relationship and our relationship stresses . i want all stress to
dissapate before were back together bc my ultimate goal is happiness ,
and he gives me that .

on a more personal note , ill be 21 on october 14th :)
another two weeks and change . im excited . were supposed to spend that
weekend together . we better . shiiid . lol . but october is also i
think tha month i started blogging , so tht means my one year is
comminnggg :) whoot whoot ! lol . but yeaa i got homewrk . ill post
sooner than later :)

im suchaa bitch :)

its written all over my facee >:)

this is to my anonymous reader :)

so i was checking my blog before bed & in my comments i received this .
. .

"Anonymous said...

I been silently reading your blogs and I see a gorgeous young women but
yet you seem to fall in love(or really strong like)of guys who don't
appreciate you(again I'm ASSuming and only reading from your side of the
stories,lol)from what I read,But forgive me if you think I'm being
disrespectful but do all pretty girls feel the way you feel around a
certain type guy 'cause I need to know,I would love to have a young
women as fine as you confessing your love for me,or is it just your
speaking about your growing pains;either way I need to know how can I
get a loving and seem to be loyal("faithful")female such as yourself.
p.s.For real though what can a man do to talk to a female heart these
days without her thinking he on games,want to know your opinion misses
"heartbreak" hotel.
p.s.s call me what you want "stalkr"ect. I just enjoy reading blogs I
find interesting. "

- now first off i wouldnt call you a stalker lol , i appreciate my
readers and even tho i was slightly offended by your "assumption" i
wasn't really disrespected . just to clear the air for all my readers .
i do NOT post everything that goes on in my love life . it would be way
too much & sometimes i don't want feedback i just need a place to vent .
my boyf is the best I've ever had and very appreciating . he shows his
love everyday but we have our moments and misunderstandings and we talk
about them and at the end of the day our love grows and is that much
stronger . and i apologize to my bby cus he said i make him sound like a
dick n my latest blogs lol , and i have bt that was jus how i felt at
the moment so yeaa . i digreesss . . .

to answer your question mr. anonymous , i couldn't really give you an
answer on how to get a girl to feel a certain way or how to catch her
heart . I've met many girls and many guys and i always come to realize
im very different from average . im a very loving person and i wanna
give my love . im blessed to have someone to give it to and receive it
back equally . some girls are afraid to love . some don't know how to .
some have been hurt ect . pretty girls have different agendas but we all
have hearts and its up to you to try to understand the true character of
that girl . some are serious , some play games ect . the best advice i
can give you is to be yourself and stay consistent . don't smother her
but show her enough attention to feel special . keep a smile on her face
and do things that make her feel good . for a heart to be fond of
someone you have to stand out from the rest . and always always ALWAYS !
be honest !! especially if she wants you to be . liars are the biggest
no go ever . you have to reach a certain point of trust . but umm i know
you prolly know most of this but i hope i helped a lil bit =/ lol . good
luck to you and finding your loyal loving female :)

& ps - these are growing pains . i love , i live , and i learn . i may
be mad or hurt when i post it but after i solve or we discuss the
situation , how i feel always changes . i blog my thoughts and feelings
of the moment. they're never definates , always destined to change .

well ill be damned !

lol , my emails that didn't wanna send last week just magically appeared
today . lmao . smh . well i dnt even look like that any more back to
straight hair , theeeen back to curls :)

this is how . . .

i did look . im back to straight now lol

12:54am .

well we talked today . we argued . we're better lol .
i told him about how i felt n he listened .
he reassured me that im jus overthinking .
nooot to sound like everythings perfect cus anything could happen . BUT.
.
how sure he sounded when he said it made me a believer .
i said i HOPE it works . he said IT IS so stop trippin .
i just said okay . all i wanted was him to know how i felt and to agree
or disagree .
my fingers stay crossed .
then after that we got into it over a tootally different subject .
which was all a misunderstanding .
he always thinks i like to argue but i hate it .
unless im extremelyyyyy mad i always punk out cus id rather make him
happy then mad .
i just feel a certain way sometimes and he doesn't always see what i see
until i bring it to his attention .
he understood and apologized and i respected that .
i love the fact we can actually talk about our problems and recognize
when we fuck up and fix the situation .
it makes our love stronger and to me it makes it so much more worth
fighting for .
I've never met anyone like him . and we bump heads like were supposed to
. i do dumb shit . he does dumb shit . but at the end of the day we love
each other and i feel it . im glad he has my heart rather anybody else
.
i just never wanna be taken for granted , cus i stay on my p's & q`s
beleeeve that . don't ever try to play angelica cus i willll get to the
bottom of w.e aint right one way or another . lmao . i think that fcks
me up sometimes tho . its insecurities . . . im so used to getting
played that i look for it before it happens . and it causes problems . .
.im working on it tho . i really am . i wanna just be able to trust
someone and not worry . but i can't do it just yet . not until im back
in a relationship and i feel like im secure .
anyways . . .im not worried about it . our relationship is worth it :)
and we work together so at least its not just me by myself . well im
done rambling lol . im sleepy . gnitee . update yall sooner then later
.

its 3am .

and i can't fall back asleep .
im fighting back tears .
we"re not gonna get back together .
its not a fact . it hasn't been stated .
but i feel it .
i just feel like the circumstances aren't gonna allow things to fall in
place .
and im mad .
mad because im trying so fucking hard .
mad because im loving so fucking hard .
i feel like what did i do wrong ?
I've done nothing but loved him and supported him through everything .
and i feel like in the end my hearts gonna get played .
it always does , that's a fact of my life .
i could be misconceiving this .
but your intuition doesn't lie .
maybe that's why I've been missing him so much lately , cus deep down i
know things aren't gonna be the same anymore .
i feel like im losing him .
im losing him .
i just wanna be proved wrong :'(
all the tears in the world can't take away how scared i am .
i just want this one happy aspect of my life to work .
i never get anything in life i really want . ill do anything . god
pleasee .
nothing im saying has been proven but im uneasy .
something doesn't feel right and im in fear .
you can't stop the inevitable . if its not meant to be then i guess .
but why does god keep giving me all these "supposed to be "
relationships?
i wanna be with this man . i wanna marry him . i wanna have kids with
him . i love him more than i want to but i can't stop . he's my best
friend .
but who's to say all these things'll even happen ?
who's to say all my hard earned love and well spent time and affection
will give me that ?
i cnt even talk about this with him . he has enough going on right now
then to be worried about his ex gf and her emotions , trippin . .
i guess i just miss that relevant feeling . knowing im his . the one and
only , wife and the most important .
most men don't pay attention to the little things .
little things to me are just important if not more than tha big . they
effect me just the same and that's not something i can apologize for .
if i could re-wire my emotions to not get hurt by certain shit , plz
believe i would .
but in all reality its the little things that paint the big picture .
i don't know where were headed but im losing confidence .
im getting insecure . some days i feel like things are the same . other
days i feel that strange distance .
and maybe its not me . it could just be the things he's going through .
which is why im not gonna leave his side .
but if its anything else . . .smh i dooon't knoooowww .
i need for fate to fall into place so that i can see what's in front of
me .
my man , or me back by myself . :(

just thinkingg . . .

i don't have shit else to do and i been reading blogs for the past 4
hours so i might as well post my own .
my last ones haven't been real posts lol .
as of right nowwww . . .
im just laying here watching all my moms favorite sci-fi movies with her
& her "sick" husband .
sick is in quotations bc he's sick just about every other week which is
another way to say "i need an excuse to be lazy and act like a big ass
man baby" .
psht , spare me .
im sucha bitch , lol .
the irony of is that i really don't care . .
soo . . .this blog is just gonna be ramblings n such lol .
i.'ll start with today .

so today is thursday , in other words my last skool day out tha weeek .
yesss , i have no skool on fridays which means i get to sleep in lol . i
digreess .
i must tell you guys about being violated at skool lol .
so , i was by the library chrging my phone before class and what not im
sitting there aiming my homie & sis . so here comes this asian boy
that's tryed to get at me previously ( btw , im not racist lol all my
bfs are usually mixed but he's full asian and that's just not usual for
me to get hollered at by one , i digress .) soo this iis what happened .
. .

[he stops walking]
him : hey don't i know you ? :)
me : no , not really .
him: yes i do [lifts my glasses up] you that fine ass girl from the
library .
me: yeaa , i guess so .
him : damn you sittin here lookin all good . mmm mm mmm ! [licks lips]
you so damn sexy !
me : aha .[blank stare]
him : [leans into my knee with his pelvis] so what was your number again
.

* quick note ; im sitting on a ledge & he's standing *

me : i never gave it to you . you gave me yours .
him : oh yea ! you don't never be txtin me .
me : i know . i don't text much . [ lies lol]
him : oh you aim ? what's yo aim ?
me : [ignores him]
him : [rubs his dick on my knee trying to be discreet] so wassup?
me : [feels hard dick on my knee , & now violated] nothing i have a
boyfriend .
hhim : damn ! forreal? he lucky i know he be smashin that real nicee !
me : aha . [blink blink]
him : i would love to get up in that . you so damn sexy , i love
chocolate .
me : [still blinking and trying to aim]
him : so can i walk you to class ?
me : nah im good i can manage .
him : oh okay , well i was jus sayin wassup . ill see you around
beautiful .
me : ok bye . [ releases long sigh & a nervous laugh .]

the end .

now is it jus me or should i be worried lmao .
like . . i know i can make a dick hard but sheesh !
just by sitting there looking preety ?
i must be getting good , lol .
everyone found it funny . and it was after tha fact but like why was he
tryna be sly and show me his dick was hard ?? like wtf was he thinking
??? ugh . pervert . moving along .

i took my first anatomy quiz today gotta 7 outta 8 . whatev .5 to 7 page
paper due in philosophy tues . blahh . schools kinda boring , kinda cool
lol . im only looking forward to that fucking check ! :] ah yess . but i
still have 2 months soooo that's a ways . . .

my sex life is dormant and my sex drive is like a fuckin ferarri lmao .
I've been celibate since . . . a long ass time ago & its about that time
. people think just cus im pretty i get lots of dick , ummm i SHOULD !
lmao but i don't . whyyyyy have i been celibate ? bc i refuse to jus
have random sex with bomb niggas . i told myself next time i have sex
its gone be special and with someone special . so just for the record
all these things you heard about james and z , neither of them have beat
& im still loved :) that's real love .
me and james WILL be engaging soon , more than likely for my birthday .
lmao . hopefully sooner . but yea ill be sure to possibily post on that
:) moving on. . .

i miss james . i mean i miss our being together relationship . being
friends isn't so bad bc it feels like were still together bt that's like
poison cus were NOT . lol . i wont be at ease til things are back the
way they're supposed to be . and when they are im making sure nothing
goes wrong . just bc next time something like this happens ima flip tf
out lol . period . but yea i miss my babe . i just wanna lay in his arms
and cuddle til i fall asleep :( that's all . until i wake up , then
that's when it getspoppin lmao . jp . kinda >:)

anyways . i have a headache due to 2nd hand smoke and exhaustion . im
prolly gon hit tha sack . be back soon lovess :)

soo ,

idk wtf is wrong with tmobile but im getting really agitated about my
pictures not sending lol . i really want yall to see my hair >:o . but
ima try again n if it works my picture a show if not . fuck it .

soo ,

idk wtf is wrong with tmobile but im getting really agitated about my
pictures not sending lol . i really want yall to see my hair >:o . but
ima try again n if it works my picture a show if not . fuck it .

well . .

apparantly i can only send text lol .
i was tryinnng to post a new picture of my hair but looks like that
isn't going to happen . ttyl .

tesstinngg .

tryna see if my phone is sending emails lol .

updatee .

holaa readers :)

i havent been posting due to the fact my email on my phone isnt sending emails and tmbile acts like they cant help .
so when all thats cleared away ill be back , hopefully thats not toooo long.

nothing really to update .
me and james are back on good terms , ive kinda come to accept the didfference between our friendship and relationship blah blah , but its cool .
everything a come together in time , when its suppose to. . .

i talked to zahkeem on sunday .
funny he asked me would i marry him but i didnt know if he was serious or not.
hes asked soo many times and i always said yes , but this time i couldnt .
our relationship isnt the same anymore and i know how i feel about james .
and i told him that .
he just changed the subject lol but later wrote this lil poem talkin bout
" she's the perfect girl for me , but we could never be , and i can never let her go , thats why shes my best friend . .. .ect ect ."

yeaaa . idk lol , i appreciate our friendship even tho our relationship didnt work .
i just hope me and james' dont turn out tha saame fucking way >:o !
lol , prolly not . i see good things for me and my baby :)

anyways i gotta go home now i been at skool since 10am . adiossss !

day one .

so . today was a good day :)
i feel like i got a lot accomplished today .
im happy for myself :)
* does happy dance . *

i don't have school tmmw so im happy i get to sleep in lol . i digress .
. .
today is uh , the first day me and Him havent spoken .
we talked all of about 10 mins yesterday (our one year anniversary of
meeting) .
i was hurt he didn't wanna talk but he claimed we NEED this break bc we
been arguing too much .
& unfortunately we have . and unfortunately its been mostly bc of my
insecurities but whatever .
i guess you can't work out a relationship that doesn't exist .
the funny part is , i don't even care as much as i thought i would .
i think i stopped caring last night .
i went to leave him a cmmnt but his "friend" had already left one sayin
all the shit i used to say .
lol .
hmm , i just laughed .
like is she supposed to be taking my man ?
wait no .
my ex . he's not my man anymore lol .
i keep forgetting . . .
i don't even know what we are anymore .
i really don't appreciate being broken up with then having some
female"friend" instantly tryna take my spot .
i wonder how he would feel if i woulda let Z step back in after he broke
up with me .
i know how he would feel , he'd be mad af and tell me he's cool on me .
he's done with me .
but id be wrong if i did all that just on tha account i feel hella
disrespected .
ahhh , double standards .
no wait , im just more nice i guess .
if yall really wanna know im pissed tf off about the whole situation but
ooohh weellll .
i just don't care anymore .
and after expressing how i felt for tha last time last nite im done .
idk what he has planned .
i kinda feel dumb for waiting .
like why am i waiting ???
besides the fact i love him and wanna be with him .
but the crazy shit is , i used to put him on a pedastal as perfect .
but you know how once you say something is perfect you start seeing the
imperfections?
right .
maybe we do need this break .
he said he loves me . i don't have anything to worry about .
but that wasn't promised and i don't believe promises anyways .
aint shit in life promised , not even tommorow .
my number one question i ask myself is am i pushing him into another
bitch arms ? or am i just not exciting as i used to be and he's
disinterested .
we NEED a break ??
im so baffled .
he needs space away frm me . i guess im getting on his nerves .
or maybe he wants to be single without me makin him feel guilty cus im
always askin him questions .
idk , im done tryna figure out shit .
at this moment i don't really care .
i love that boy and he knows it .
but sometimes i feel like i express how much i love someone so much that
they do shit bc they know ill stay .
i really hope this love thing works itself out cus i feel like im losing
my enthusiasm of the emotions i feel .
love doesn't feel the way it used to .
or it doesn't feel the way its supposed to .
i just want to stop being told how much im loved and see it in action or
be surprised by how much im loved .
can someone come sweep me off my feet and take me out and spend all
their time with me and lay next to me and look me in my eye and tell me
how much they love me ?
im tired of talking and fantasizing .
im starting to feel like im not supposed to have it . cus for some
reason i can't get it .
whatever .
i came in this world by myself , ill prolly go out this bitch thaa
saaameee waaay .
i wouldnt be surprised .
on that note .
i HOPE this break helps bring us back together .
if it doesn't . . . idk :( i guess ill talk abt it if it happens .

where do we go from here ?

too much of anything is never a good thing .
and im starting to throw love in that statement .
im just ughhh . its like when your in love and things are good . its
great .
but when shit it rocky , its horrible .
idk if i should keep trying or let it go .
i feel like i been on this love rollercoaster for a year .
same shit , different people .
i just don't know how to feel anymore .
i keep trying and i still always get dissappointed .
im hurt bcus these are things i never woulda thought he would do .
things i never expected .
i guess . . .
and they never understand .
if i say how i feel im wrong .
im sooorrrrrryy .
im sorry for caring .
im sorry for feeling the way i do .
im sorry i wanna be with you .
im sorry i don't wanna let u go .
im sorry i love you .

what else am i supposed to say ?
i keep falling in love with people who don't have time for me . but can
fit other people in .
i guess making time just isn't a option .
i don't care though , bc im not the type of person to make a person go
outta there way to do anything for me . i don't like asking for anything
.

i can't handle this .
how many times have we been over this "being friends with the person you
love" situation .
to be just a friend i would have to stay in just a friends place and im
way beyond that .
in order to possibly go back to that place i would have to be over him .
and im not .
instead im sitting waiting for things to work itself out and its getting
worse and worse everyday .
i feel like im losing him .
or maybe he's losing me .
some of the things he says makes me feel like he doesn't even care
anymore . and i feel like im still in the relationship and care too much
.
the reality of it is there is no relationship .
he's single . im single .
he wants to be . & i don't .
therefore it bothers me and not him .
funny thing is tmmw is our one year anniversary since tha day we met .
and i feel like the situation as it is is pushing us apart .
i don't wanna let go cus im scared to lose him but holding on isn't
doing anything but pushing him away .
i guess letting go is my only option .
he thinks we need a break . as he always does .
i dnt understand , a break from what ? me ? :-/
and it hurts me cus i know that in this break he's gonna go do what guys
do and fuck other girls and just get even closer to his "friend" . and i
hate the thought of that .
aint shit i could do about it tho .
how do you keep your man when he doesn't wanna stay ?? :'(
ima just leave him alone . and hopefully i find a way to cope . bc if i
don't he might lose me . and not to anyone else but just bc i can't
handle it .
i know i put him thru a lot with my last relatiionship but i never
thought we'd be back here . like we were 4 months ago . wit tha same
reason we broke up . and the i need space/break thing .
i wanted our relationship to be perfect . and its not .
and i cnt stop crying cus i feel like i try so hard .
it doesn't feel the same anymore since we broke up . like that the
happiness he had being with me is gone .
he still tells me how much he loves me . and i know he does .
but that feeling , idk its something in the way .
i wish i was in love with myself .
cus i can't break my own heart .
and if the way he feels changes , and he breaks it .
that's the end of love in my life . cus it honestly wont live here
anymore .

september eighth anger .

my day is getting worse by the hour .
it was tues so i had tht long ass break which wasn't so badd cus roro
was up there wit alexus .
but then i dropped my phone fuckin w. kevin & everything came back
except my bookmarks & aim shit .
aim , whatever .
my bookmarks , i had a lot so im actually pissed abt that .
but see that isn't even what killed my mood for tha day .
you know when they say , you can't be mad if you find something when you
looking for something to find ??
that's how it is , but fuck that i am mad .
i feel lowkey lied to . and if you know me well you know i hate being
lied to more than anything in the world .
so i always follow my intuition , & something was just telling me to
look .
i made a big deal before about him having her named beautiful=] and he
claimedd he changed it .
i didn't check cus i believed him .
he never lies to me .
so i neverrrr sign on his aim just simply bc there's no point .
bt something just kept saying check it check it .
so i just signed on n off real fast .
haappy part - he kept my name and group the same . i smiled .
mad part - i look at beautiful=] and she's now upgraded to "booskie=]" .
i frowned .

pause , let me break .

so as much as i wanna speak on it .
im not , just simply bcus were nt together .
and im really starting to hate it .
but us not being together don't have shit to do wit the fact he keeps
telling me she's his "friend" and now she's booskie .
im pissed off .
i feel straate lied to . im sry but there's no justification for calling
someone u don't like a pet name . and on top of that with a smiley .
it just isn't happening .
idk if he's in denial abt tha fact he likes her or he just doesn't wanna
admit to me he does bc that would be proving my accusation that they
like each other right .
i dnt really care at this point .
im starting to feel like jus bc we not together that everytime something
bothers me im "overreacting" .
whatever .
i dnt even know what to say besides the fact that im mad .
i hate being single , i hate having no say so , i hate feeling like this
.
and i feel like this bc im insecure .
angelica is insecure .
why ?
bc she's always cheated on .
always .
i can't even name one relationship where i wasn't .
i wanna trust people bt they make it hard for me .
i may not be trusted bc of dumb decisions I've made in tha past but
never EVER have i ever cheated on someone or lost my trust w. someone bc
of another person .
but yet again , that's just ME .
nobody ever compares to how loyal i am . & now im starting to understand
why people aren't .
what's the point .
i can be loyal , and find out something and be devastated .
or i could not be loyal , and find out something n be mad bc he did tha
same thing i did .
but the second option wont ever happen just simply bc it isn't me .
i can never NOT be ME . i can't force what i don't feel .
and i guess im loved bc i love so much . and im honest so much and not
afraid to express myself .
but at the same time they become bad qualities , bc i can't help how i
feel , im very emotional & sensitive , and a lot of things affect me
even if you don't expect them to .
but see i don't apologize for that , bc i don't feel wrong .
maybe if i know i do something wrong . but my feelings are raw emotion .
i can't fake that .

whatever tho , im done going on& on about this . im not even bout to say
anything to you . bcus i know your gonna read this . but just know im
disappointed in the fact i feel lied to . we can talk about it if you
chose to , but i doubt that you do .

a surprise , his 2nd letter .

* i woke up sunday morning to a email icon on my phone . i opened it up
and seen another letter from z . i was surprised bc i didn't expect to
hear from him for a couple months . anyways it made me smile :)

Subject: To the one I love <3.
Date: Sun, 6 Sep 2009 05:48:08 -0700

9-6-09 5:35a.m

Quote of da week
"The hardest thing to do is watch the one you love, love someone else"
Song of the week: Can't get right, Jagged Edge

Dear, Angelica
Being away from someone you love is the hardest thing I've ever had to
do yes be away from you :'(… I miss you more than stars in heaven. So
I just got done running and we get a break today Ima probly sleep all
day. This shit is ruff baby I don't remeber the last time I had a
goodnite sleep, but as u know I'm not the one to complain Im just ready
get this over with. Which will be in November but I can send you emails
on Sundays so that's a good thing. Basic Training is going well but
this shit is worst than I thought it would be but I'm doing good. How
are you? Good I hope, doing much better than I am and in school also
(don't forget our deal) but I do miss you alot I think about you
everyday yes I really do :) idk if that's good thing our bad thing. I
hope everything is okay with you n I can't wait till I get a email back
from you I miss you & I love you and I'm doin fine I hope you been
praying for me.

P.S If I don't write back to you juss wait till next Sunday, or next
next Sunday lol.

>:o .

anger gets you nowhere .
and i have a short fuse .
i say what i feel without thinking and it usually either :

a) comes out ugly . or b) makes a situation ugly .

i just fucked some shit up .
real bad i think .
idk how i really feel yet though .
bcause im still angry .
and i don't apologize for what i said . but i do feel wrong for how i
went about it .
but when your mad you never think clearly .
you just suffer the repercussions .

so let me tell a quick story then explain what just happened .

so , before me & james got back together he meets this girl . he likes
her . its obvious . and i first find out about her when i sign on his
aim and see someone named "beautiful=]" NOW i coundnt really be mad
because we weren't together bt yea im wondering who th she is . so
eventually i get more information . and find out some things that make
me a lil mad but i dnt trip because by that time were together and he's
like i don't like her like that were just friends . . . .so anywho times
going by and i told him i don't like tha fact they're friends bcus he
said she was mad when she found out we got back together meaning. .
.what ? SHE LIKES HIM . now . i let it go bc he likes to talk and i
trust him . but im still iffy at tha same time because me and him
started off as friends . and look what happened . now its one thing to
trip over a female that likes your man . but its another thing to trip
over a female that likes your man than HE'S attracted too .

that is a wholee nother story . im typically not tha jealous type . but
when it comes to the person im in love with , sry but i dnt play that
shit . im not possessive and its not that i don't trust my man . but i
DO NOT TRUST FEMALES . i don't . at all . period . so anyways . . .
he gets mad because i always get mad over lil shit . but i can't help it
. i just idk i dnt feel comfortable . he's tellinn me jellie stop
triippin off lil shit . i don't like her we just friends ect ect . so im
like yea ok . so then when we broke up he gets mad ans deletes me off
his page and changes all his lil statuses to single which pisses me tf
off . cus why was all tht necessary? whatever .

so then toodaay , im returning his cmmnt and here`s her talking about
"this is my page now" . * pause . what do you guys take in from that ?
this is inferring she wants to take over tha page and now says that now
that IM out tha picture its okay for HER to step in . * uh uh . so i
bring this up to him and we have a whooooole 3 hour convo it starts out
talkin bout that and ends up going fairly well til i go to return his
Next cmmnt . here's this girl talkin bout " hey babe , . . .. . . imy
:-* "

Hold TF UP !>:o ! hellllllllll mtfckn nahhh . got me duper duper extra
turnt tf up ! my temper aint prepared for all that . cus um . . . BABE
?! no . why is your friend calling you babe ? IMY :-* ?! she misses you
okay . but why ? whyyyy is she giving you a kiss ? why is she trying to
step in ? like wait a min . so thennn im like why would he even approve
this comment ? knowing how ima react when i read it ? i feel nothing but
anger so common sense isn't registering , im sry . so im leavin tha
comment back and i start talkin about how he got me bent cus blah blah
and she need to regulate her mouth ect . now me knowing what i just said
, even tho it was a comment . i didn't believe he was gonna actually
approve it . but he said he approves all comments . so okay . but thennn
i get accused of lookin for attn cus i left it as a stupid commnt when
that isn't even ma cup a tea . i was just mad at tht moment and wrote
what came out . so of course he approves it . then she chips in with her
2 cents which was expected considering i was referring to her in tha
cmmnt . and she goes on about being grown and doing w.e she pleases n
he's NOT her man so blah blah blah and she sees im keepin "tabs" on my
ex . PAUSE .

1. i apologized cus im woman enough to own up to my mistakes . it
could've been dealt with in a different context but when your angry .
your angry .

2. um , if he's not your man why are u calling him babe & givng him
kisses . idgaf if he's single . he just got outta relationship . you
didn't do it when he was in one so don't expect it to be okay after tha
fact .

3 . do whatever you please , just stay respectful .

4. keeping tabs !? um i never went anywhere ! don't be blindsided just
becus im not in your face doesn't mean im not there . and as for him
being my ex . he sure is but he's also the love of my life thus i will
always get defensive no matter what .

moving along . im mad bc i feel like since he's "single" she's feeling
like nows her time to try n slip n and take over and Um . that's not
going down . idgaf . i don't usually argue nor deal with other females
cus im not competing with anybody . i know where i stand with him . and
maybe she does or maybe she doesn't but i would appreciate if she
respected it .

so as you could prolly imagine , he's mad at ME . because i left a
commnt looking for attn . but he approved it . so i guess tht makes us
both guilty huh . im nt bout to deal with no kinda drama of any kind cus
i dnt have enough time or care in my body to do so . so since this week
all i keep doing is fuckin up .

im leaving it alone . im not gona do any deleting . blocking . cussing
out . talking . when and if he realizes why i got mad tha way i did n
he's ready to talk then we'll see what happens til then idk . cus all i
keep doing is fucking up . i dnt think i can handle this as well as i
did last time . i apologized and that's all i can do .

his letter .

My E V E R Y T H I N G.
Lol well I guess I'll start at I love you i know you saying goodbye to
me was the hardest thing for you to do it was hard for me to take it
but I seen it comin so . . well no I didn't see it lol I never wanted to
end our relationship but you said it was what we needed so I said okay
she always made good decisions so okay but I still hear yo heart callin
out for me :-D.
But as you know u still the love of my life I jus love how u r how u
cater to me n do all the things u do for me u always picced me up when I
was down n I thank u for that I kno I was a handful but u always there
for everything most of the time I kno it was times we both hated each
other n felt it was the end we was fallin out of love with each other
but all that was jus anger cus ily like I need you in my life lol
really. But Ima be thinkin bout u everyday while I'm gone waitin to be
able to talk to you so don't worry bout a thing I'll always love you
so. But I admit I do miss us that it's gonna be us till the end of
time feeling us starting a life together but that's all I'm really gone
say today :-* ily.

cry me a river .

im so tired of crying .
i keep tryna hold it in but it doesn't work .
im so hurt right now like .
when they say Love is Pain , they never lied .
i never experienced anything that affects me the way love does .
and i starting to hate it .
everything hurts me .
and i can't apologize for how i feel . but i just always feel let down
.
like what is lovee ?
i feel it and i have the idea . i know how to give it . and i receive it
but things never go how they should .
it really hurts my heart and i feel so misunderstood .
its like i lovee too much or too hard .
but idk how to love any other way .
i would do anything for tha person i love .
like its all or nothing .
what's the point of love if you not gon give 100 %?
amd i always feel gipped ouutta somethinv but then im wrong when i try
to bring up how i feel .
how did something so perfect end up soo fucked up :'(
well it feels fucked up right now . . .
and aint shit i can do about it .

im ready to give up .
i can't handle all this constant heartbreak .
i just wanna be happy and if i can't be happy in a relationship with the
person i love . then i might as well be unhappy single .
i feel like i lovee too much .
like i guess that's why im always disappointed cus i expect to be loved
back the way i love .
and i guess that's not possible .
i always do what i can .
i do what i say & i say what i mean .
if i say im comin , im gonna come .
if i say ima do something for you , im gonna do it .
i hate disappointing people .
my goal is to keep that person happy .
but for some reason when it comes to me ,
my satisfaction is passive .
i don't even know how to feel anymore , or what to do .
i feel numb and saad .
i don't know whether to keep trying and let it go .
i can't fucking stop cryingggg .
i don't wanna let go .
but i can't stop crying i can't even type .
idk . idk what to do .
i feel outta place .
ill be back whenever cus i can't even see tha screen :'(

im back again =D

ughh, im still chillin in tha library lol .
times moving hella sloww .
phones on 2 bars so im trying to avoid using it .
im gonna get off at 130 lol .

so sitting on here listening to muuusic makes me miss my mtfckinn cpu!!
i needa gotdamnn ipod >:o
im soo lame for not having one .
i shoulda made my dad buy me one when i lived with himm .
oh well .

i dont even have shit to say lmao . im jus tryna stay out tha fuckin sun
its like 103 degrees today . its fukin september can we get some cloudy skies already ??

im sad . i miss having a boyf already .
idk why i dislike being single so much .
i just love that feeling of belonging to someone i guess
like knowing that they wanna be with me . . .
whatever tho .

in other news , zahkeem wrote me a letter before he left for basic training . .
i was contemplating posting it but idk .
ill think about it .

anyways , im bout to go . after this song ends =D
omggggggg i misss draaakeeeee :'(
i miss fucking music lol
im sittin here straight groovin in ma chair , lip syncing n shit
lol .
i love music i get all happy shit .

but yeaaaaaaaaaa . im done i guess .

school life . . .

sucks aSS !

all these people that were "supposebly" going here . . .
why caant i find em !??
im going to end up dispising tues & thurs til i get a car cus i have a 2 hour gap btwn my 1st & 2nd class and nooooo friends to chill with .
gaaaaaay .
im not big on friends . so no im not a hypocrite but damn . i could enjoy a damn conversation .
so ive decided tha next boy [yea ! boy ! cus they tha only ones that talk to me -- no surprise] im gonna start a convo with and become friends with :)

lmao , whatever .
anyways , tmobile is being a pain in my ass cus everytime theres a problem with my phone they have to "reset it " then the web guard comes baaaack on my internet . so noooooow . its not coming off & customer service gon tell me i need to go to a store cus they cant "verify" my age !
bitch ! do i sound 12 !???? seriously .
askin for all ma fuckin info , like just take tht shit off !
matter fact i think ima go on my tmobile after i post this n take tht shit off .

so yeaa . its 1252 , class is at 2 . & since my webguard is blocking out blogger on my phone ima catch up on some readingg .

ta ta for nowww :)

fuck my life . no wait fuck YOUR life . part uno .

so check it .
lmao , jp i always wanted to say that dumb shit .
whenever someone starts they sentence wit that you KNOW they bout to
start talkin some bullshit .
smh .
anyways , its two seventeen AM .
i have to wake up at 73o .
& yea , second day of school tmmw , yay me .
* blank stare .
anyways .
so I've come to the conclusion im OFF [not fucking w. ] people .
and im content with that .
i guess that's umm ,
possibly not normal to enjoy being anti social .
but tha quality of socialNESS so to speak ,
isn't worth my time or effort .
the ONLY time youll see myself going outta my way to socialize is at
WORK when im getting PAID to be sociable .
people constantly talk shit about how everytime they see me , im on my
phone .
well yes , my phone holds more interest value than Your conversation . i
apologize if you feel offended but in all honestly idgaf .
excuse my coldHeartedness . but hey , its just me .
so as i observe people & they're social circle i realize a lot of
bullshit . a lot of that artificial shit .
* sigh .
im soo over it .
people are all on there own agendas .
but there's diffent types of ppl & what's on their agendas diverse .
there's leaders , theres followers , & theres individuals .

-leaders . they feed off there ego & attention . they love being tha
center of attention . they think they are the baddest thing walking
.[for the record there's always something badder] and if you don't do
what they they think is "cool" or w.e . then your disregarded .

* um , yea . fuck your leadership skills . you can't lead me in any kind
of direction to do shit . fuck your outlook . fuck what you like . fuck
your ego . you aint shit . highly superficial & judgemental .

- followers . smh . do i really need to go into to detail wit these kind
of ppl ? these are tha lost ones . who can't find themselves . they tag
on to people they view as "cool" and ride they're sack . dick swangin !
its what they do . its a sidekick thing . i hate that shit . they have
no individualism . its whatever tha main person does . they're doing it
to . smh . no bueno .

* lol , i hate followers . game recognize game . i peep these mtfckas n
1.2 seconds . but i disregard their presence and activity because they
have no beneficial value .

- individuals . do what tf they wanna do . they don't care about friends
. being cool . being wrong or right . they're just them . they live life
the way they see it . they've been liberated from all the bullshit
people are too dumb to notice .

* most individuals are rude , mean , assholes , losers , loners ,
bitches . ect . yeaa those are qualities of tha other ppl . but they are
who they are . IM an individual .
on a daily basis im called some sort of negative word . ex : mean , rude
, asshole , cold , ect . bitch , please . idgaf & if i did i would look
like it .

[disclaimer : these are my personal views . if you don't agree , great .
keep moving . idgaf about your rebuttals]

i digress .
I've come to be okay with tha fact i don't need "friends" .
i have a couple .
couple . possibly a few .
i get along with everyone but everyone doesn't qualify .
i can offer u friendship . but if u fuck it off w. something i don't
respect , which is the main reason i usually stop fucking with people .
that's your bad . you lost one .

james told me , i don't need a boyf to feel complete & that i let people
define my happiness . & yea , i agree .
but not really . my boyf . the love of my life , completes me . that is
my other half . thus w.out him WITH me , i AM incomplete . i don't have
"friends" so he is my lover & best friend/confidant .
people don't define shit in my happiness , cus people aint shit . but he
does . i put too much uh , trust & faith in someone else keeping me
happy cus i like the happiness they give . its different then a regualr
self given happiness , its better . but for some odd reason i can't keep
that kind . . .i digressss

people spend too much time worrying about other ppl .
FUCK people ! yea i said it . fuck em .
what are they doing for you ? they talk shit . they lie .
they connive . they decieve . they pretend . they judge .
not everyone . but about 97% .
i could do without all the extras .
i enjoy my friendship with myself . & I've come to realize i am a cold
rude bitch . but all in good taste :)
im still a sweetheart that does nice things .
i just don't gaf about you or your life .
& that's prolly an understatement .