21.1.09

ventinq .

okay .
soo not to boree anybodyy ,
bt i qotta vent riqht now .
beforee i losee my mindd .

soo i juss qott into it withh my mom againn cuss shess mad tht i dont caree or wanna movee to arizonaa . shess sittinq heree trynaa tewll me about thiss && thatt , bt idgaf .
i cant see my transitionn . shes like ohh yuu can go out to the casino && blah blah .
im suree theress partiess .
likeeee .....
wtf ?!
I D G A F !>:O
im 20 years old . 20 ! im not bout to go out in a city i dont know by myself , tryna meet new ppl && make frinns . likee ima really have fun . i likee meetinq ppl . bt im antisocial .
shess movinq to arizonaa cus its cheap . im likee wellll thtss all finee && dandy for yuu .
yuu can still be happy . yuu got a husband && your sister in laww && her husband livee out there .
wtf does tht have to do withh me ?
ima still be alone with no friendss && no bf .

idc . maybee ill try it out at some other timee .
bt as of right now in my lifee . i cant feel it .
i lovvee californiaa . && i dont intend on movinq out of it .
im jus trynaa get my lifee togetherr .
i knoww i fuckedd up .
i realize that .
im 20 with no job && i dont go to school .
im depressed .
i feel likeee .
a failuree , to say the least .
&& i really wanna get my shit together .
i really do .
bt the timing is all bad .
right now i havee two optionss .
move back to the bay areaa && livee with my dad or sister && go to school && find a job .
or try to move with onee of my friendss && find a job then go to school .

&& i meann ,
i wouldd movee with one of my friendss bt i hatee feeling dependent .
i dont have shit , so its like .
i havee to depend on them to help me while im tryna get my shit together ,
&& that makes me feel inferior .
&& i hateeeee feeling like that ..

my moms like nobodyss gonna feel any sympathy for yuu blah blah ..
bt im like , wtf .
i dont want nobody sympathy ,
i know what i have to do to get my shit together bt beforee i do
i havee to havee a placee to sleep .
i swear i wishh i had a car ,
cuss bess believee if i did .
id livee out tht btchh .
on somee real shit .

im juss ,
lost .
likee itss my fault that im in the position im in ,
so i cant blame anybody .
bt i jus ,
itss like right when i started plannin my lifee out ,
that shit fell apart again .

i swear if i kneww it was gon go down like this i wouldaa appliedd to csulb for the fall
so i couldaa jus went to school && lived on campusss.
bt i missed tht oppurtunity , so im jus shit outta luck .
smh .
i know lifee is hard .
&& my situationn isnt all tht complex ,
cuss i jus want what i want .
bt whatever i decision i make is affectinq my life .
&& i want my lifee to stay how it is jus improvise .
i dont want to movee 6 hourss awayy && strainn all the relationshipss i do havee .
smh .
im soo pissed off >:O
bt i guess i cant blame anybody but myself .
i jus wishh shit didnt end upp like thiss .

3 comments:

kmX said...

Damn girl; how soon are they moving? Because if it's not too soon you could find a job asap while staying with a friend for a little while and I know how you feel about the dependency thing, but sometimes it's ok to give in, be the inferior one and admit you need help.

If you have good friends, they'll understand. And keep your head up, things will fall through with time. Take care girl.

- kmx.

Jervis said...

dont worry. u got yurrself into a hole,trust me,u can climb out of it

Miss.Fortune said...

trust me when i say this..I FEEL YOU! i've definately been feeling like a failure too because me n my bf just broke up so my plans n 2 months might not come thru so i had to come up wit a plan b..

that was to basically move back to cali..even though i was planning on going back...
but to the city i came froma nd i definately dont wanna do that cuz everybody there aint doin shit

BUT it might be the best for me for now..it'll keep me focused and help me save all my money then i can figure out my next move..i might go to college n frisco!

but like u im not n school..i done been in and out of college for awhile and sometimes i feel like it isnt for me but having friends graduate from college has me regretting not stickin with it..

i dont have a car either and that im fkd up about..

i do have my own place but my lease is up n march..thats the only thing im proud of myself but then im goin back to square one..

and trust me when i say this..u do not wanna move in with ur friends..ive tried it and not discouraging u and making u feel like u cant do it cuz i know u can but u will never know someones true colors until u live with them...

if i were u i would move in with my dad..u will still be n cali and able to find a job..then u can save up..buy and car and travel back n forth from l.a. to the bay!