28.1.09

circles . love . && geniuses .


thats what life feels like right now . a fcknn CIRCLE ! i feel likee shit keeps changing , bt i keep coming back to the same placee i was when i startedd . not necessarily a BAD thing . but it can ' t be the BEST thing , right ?
i spendd so muchh timee focusingg on my lovee lifee [becuss its the only part of my lifee thats interesting ] that i tend to neglect all the other aspects , but what exactly am i missing ? i literally havee less than 10 GOOD friends . && prolly less than 5 REAL friends .
friends havee became a part of my lifee i dont realllllly care for . i 've learned how to be antisocial . && just be happy by myself . i admit i get lonely from time to time . but its a personal preference . not that i dont get along with peoplee cus i can get along with anybody i want to . i jus choose to keep myself away from peoplee that cant respect my state of mind . becuss alot of people DONT .
i feel like i've lost the true purposee of my blog . i created it to express myself to peoplee who would listen && not judgee me becuss they dont know me && they can understand without really understanding . lol . but now since so many people i know read it i think twice about whether i should say certain shit . becuss i know at some point it could be read . NOT that i have anything to hideee . cus im never scaredd to say how i feel . anybody that knows me , KNOWS i have no problem with expressing myself . BUT i think about how people might feel . bt whatever . fck it . this is my blog . my place of expression . ima get it out . lol .
so for the majority of my lovely followers new && old [thanks for giving me feedback on my ramblings about love&lifee:) ] yall know most of my posts are about my constant struggle with lovee && the lovee of my lifee . sorrrrryyyy if that gets old . but its all i know how to talk about if i dont have anything better stressing me out . buuuuut , it is what it is . right now ..im single . && im adjusting . but im happy . im not over my ex . && i tried to move on with someone new . but i know im not ready . jus like i know my bf isnt . it just didnt feel right . im so used to my bf that im not ready to give my full attention && all to someone else . evennn tho i did like them . us talking was completely new to me . && although it was a surprisee &&& he madee me smile=] . in some wayss i felt guilty like i was disrespecting my bf . cus i know if i ever told him who he was , it would break his heart . becus it would be the lass person he would ever want me to admit i wanted . cus i PROMISED him i wasnt into him . but when i promised him , i really WASNT . he wouldnt believe me if i told him tho . sooooo , it doesnt really matter . bt it doess . it matters to me . even tho we arent together . i still wouldnt wanna hurt or disrespect him . even if he tryed to do it to me .
twoo wrongss DONT make a right .
i say that all the timee . peoplee always say nope but it makes it better =]
lol . people are crazy . lol . shit IM crazy . at least thats what ive been told . maybe cus im a little odd . who caress . typical scares me ;]
i feel likee ive grew from all this though , its likeeee . i dont expect anything from anybody .
that way i dont get let down or disappointed in the end . " expect the worst && hope for the best" thats the way it is . im taking things one day at a time . becuss ive learned my biggest problemm is thinking && planning for the future when NOTHINGS guaranteed . && THATS a let down . i dont know what to expect anymore . i can only act on whats thrown in front of me .
albert einstein said that , "the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again && expecting a different result ." HA ! damn . aint that some shit . smh . maybe in his state of mind im insane . becuss i keep trying the same shit over && over . && its not that i EXPECT it to change . bt i have hopee that it REALLY will . they say perserverence gets you places....but im stuck in this fucking circle . && i think im trynaa fuck wit a polygon or somn =]

3 comments:

Miss.Fortune said...

yes girl..this is ur blog so ur aloud to say whateva it is ur feeling! ppl are gonna read and think what they want but shit..u know urself better than anybody else..

and its not bad to plan and think for the future..atleast ur doing that much..but being a libra sometimes we think too much and analyze shit..and it could be easier roads to cross but at the time we just dont see them

Anonymous said...

i don't really know how i even came across this blog, but in case you thought you we're the only one who feels the way you do... trruuussst me everything you've said from the friends to being by yourself to your ex... i feel you and have been/going through 100% so you're giving me inspiration and hope if you make it i can too! lol

Crys said...

If you don't expect, you don't get disappointed..

I've learned that recently. One of the best lessons learned.

I've become antisocial too..I don't even know why or when.. But, it's so much easier to deal with the very few that I do. I have no problem being by myself. I feel like I don't need "friends"..most times they only add drama to my life! And I've gotten to a point where I'm over that stage in my life..

Feel you 100%.