sheesh .

sooo the fann on the cpu is trippin .
so im at ma mama frinn housee on they shit .
this shit slow af .
im bored af .
im irritated .
i wanna go home .
and i think im bout to .

funny ass day today .
smh .
im not even bout to get into it .
bt it is what it is .
im stomach hurt .
ill bbl .

UGH !

this song .
asks all the questions i keep asking .
im pissed off .
lol .
i swear it really "grinds my gears" that im stuck on stupidd on him .
i swear im never falling in love again .
lol .

they say dont take it out on love .
im not .
im just anti - love right now .
thinking . . .
i miss my mackinn dayss .
ahhh , the memoriessss .

Best Of Me (Bonus) - Jazmine Sullivan

reset button .

don 't you wish we had one in lifee ?
like you couldd jus press the reset button when you fuck up .
or at least start the level over .
lol .

as much as im tryna take it one day at a time && just try to be happy .
i still cant be . more and more shit happens that makess me think twice about the decisions im making . ima libraa , && im one of the most indecisivee people youll ever meet . most definately one of my worser qualities .

i jus wanna go back && start over . i wanna take back things i did , things i said . i wish some things never happened . facing the reality of thingss makes me wanna lose my mind .
i juss feel like i need a fresh start . a new beginning . i jus wanna disappear for awhile .
maybe that might be whats best for me to get over the situation im in . cus right now i cant .
not because i dont want to but becuss my heart wont let me .

i ' ve learned that one of my biggest blessings is also one of my biggest flaws .
&& thats my biggass heart .
im suchaa selfless person . && when i givee my all .
i givee it ALL .
heart , mind , && soul .
im so far in ,
i dont even know how to get it back to the way it used to be .
im soo scared for my bf to movee on that i keep asking him the same shit over && over when i already know the answer jus making things worse .
i cant let go , && try something else becuss it doesnt feel right . even tho i want it to .

im suchh a heartful femalee. lol .
i wishh i was heartless . i prolly wouldnt havee half the stress i havee .
i jus dont wanna hurt anybody even tho i think someone might get hurt .
i dont wanna hurt anyone bt i feel likee i might need to leavee everyone alone jus to get myself back together . && honestly . to do that would literally leave me with no one to talk to .
so i guess i better makee a loooong playlist && takee my vacationn . cus i think i need it .

strawberry milk .

i drink this shit likee people smoke crack .
lol .

ferreal tho .
i go in the kitchenn , put some ice in a cup [yeaa i like ice in ma milk ] , pour some milk , put a couple spoons of nesquik mix && TA-DOW !

somee bomb ass stwberry milk !

nahh bt reall shit tho i swear to god , i started substituting SM for a meall && i lost like 5 lbs .

thats jus me tho . im not sayin itll work for everyone . bt i say givee it a try =]

basically . . .

lol . thats my favorite word .

it explains everything without saying anything =]

fuck a FRiEND i lovee my FOESSS !

rmao at people .

people baffle me .
&& give me more and more reasons not to gaf about a friendship or relationship .

lets see .

numero uno -
apparantly i lost a friend who i thought was close becauseeee ....
someone i was closee to && hooked her up with dont like her like that
&& he likess me , && since i liked him backk .
now i guess we arent friends anymore .

ummm . first of all . he was my friend first so i didnt betray ANYBODY .
second - i have NO control over the fact he dont like you .
third - i have NO control over the fact he likes me .
four - i dont have time for this highschool shit .

if it meant that much you shouldaa said somn , NOT thrown yo friendship away . bt whatever .
females will be females . funny part about it is . she still tryna talk to him , knowin what it is . but she WONT talk to me ??? crazy right ?

numero dos-
exes jus CANT let shit go . my ex [ before my current bf ] allllwaayyys trys to make a comeback . for what reason idk . he took me to hell and back . && now sincee hes changed i guess he feels obligated to get a second chance . niggggaaa puhleeese .

first of all , you not jus gon talk to all these females then when shit goes bad , expect me to take you back with open arms . not gon happen .
second - stop tryna feed me bullshit you know i dont eat .
third - no , i dont miss you . i mightve after we was done . bt i dont anymore .
fourth - movee forward . && stop comin BACK .

i dont reversee , i burn rubber on yall btchhes .

fuck a nigga && fuck a broad .
idgaf about anybody that aint doin shit for me !
yall can kiss my ass on some serious type shit .
lol .

im literally laughing at yall .
smh .
people juss dont get it .

circles . love . && geniuses .

thats what life feels like right now . a fcknn CIRCLE ! i feel likee shit keeps changing , bt i keep coming back to the same placee i was when i startedd . not necessarily a BAD thing . but it can ' t be the BEST thing , right ?

i spendd so muchh timee focusingg on my lovee lifee [becuss its the only part of my lifee thats interesting ] that i tend to neglect all the other aspects , but what exactly am i missing ? i literally havee less than 10 GOOD friends . && prolly less than 5 REAL friends .

friends havee became a part of my lifee i dont realllllly care for . i 've learned how to be antisocial . && just be happy by myself . i admit i get lonely from time to time . but its a personal preference . not that i dont get along with peoplee cus i can get along with anybody i want to . i jus choose to keep myself away from peoplee that cant respect my state of mind . becuss alot of people DONT .

i feel like i've lost the true purposee of my blog . i created it to express myself to peoplee who would listen && not judgee me becuss they dont know me && they can understand without really understanding . lol . but now since so many people i know read it i think twice about whether i should say certain shit . becuss i know at some point it could be read . NOT that i have anything to hideee . cus im never scaredd to say how i feel . anybody that knows me , KNOWS i have no problem with expressing myself . BUT i think about how people might feel . bt whatever . fck it . this is my blog . my place of expression . ima get it out . lol .

so for the majority of my lovely followers new && old [thanks for giving me feedback on my ramblings about love&lifee:) ] yall know most of my posts are about my constant struggle with lovee && the lovee of my lifee . sorrrrryyyy if that gets old . but its all i know how to talk about if i dont have anything better stressing me out . buuuuut , it is what it is . right now ..im single . && im adjusting . but im happy . im not over my ex . && i tried to move on with someone new . but i know im not ready . jus like i know my bf isnt . it just didnt feel right . im so used to my bf that im not ready to give my full attention && all to someone else . evennn tho i did like them . us talking was completely new to me . && although it was a surprisee &&& he madee me smile=] . in some wayss i felt guilty like i was disrespecting my bf . cus i know if i ever told him who he was , it would break his heart . becus it would be the lass person he would ever want me to admit i wanted . cus i PROMISED him i wasnt into him . but when i promised him , i really WASNT . he wouldnt believe me if i told him tho . sooooo , it doesnt really matter . bt it doess . it matters to me . even tho we arent together . i still wouldnt wanna hurt or disrespect him . even if he tryed to do it to me .

twoo wrongss DONT make a right .

i say that all the timee . peoplee always say nope but it makes it better =]

lol . people are crazy . lol . shit IM crazy . at least thats what ive been told . maybe cus im a little odd . who caress . typical scares me ;]

i feel likee ive grew from all this though , its likeeee . i dont expect anything from anybody .

that way i dont get let down or disappointed in the end . " expect the worst && hope for the best" thats the way it is . im taking things one day at a time . becuss ive learned my biggest problemm is thinking && planning for the future when NOTHINGS guaranteed . && THATS a let down . i dont know what to expect anymore . i can only act on whats thrown in front of me .

albert einstein said that , "the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again && expecting a different result ." HA ! damn . aint that some shit . smh . maybe in his state of mind im insane . becuss i keep trying the same shit over && over . && its not that i EXPECT it to change . bt i have hopee that it REALLY will . they say perserverence gets you places....but im stuck in this fucking circle . && i think im trynaa fuck wit a polygon or somn =]

didn ' t i say ,

it didnt feel over ?
i don ' t think it is .
itss not .

but if its soo wrong , why doess it feel so right ?

smh .
maybee i dont deservee whats right .
cus i can ' t let go of whats wrong to get it . . .

FUCK !

man .
thats all i can really say right now .
i keep trynaa move forward in my lifee .
to the next best thing .
like its somethin so good .
sittin right there in front of me .
wanting me .
waiting for me .
but i cant grasp it .
because i still find myself , not able to fully let my bf go .

why cant i let him go !
its pissin me off .
itss like deep down insidee ,
i still think hess gonna come back to me
cus hess done it soo many times beforee .
bt at the same time ,
its likee its over && i need to livee && let the past diee .
but everytimee i try to take that final step forwardd
i think about him .
&& im likee fuck .
why do i miss him ?
why cant i let him go ?

its likee ,
i have someone that really likess me && i like him too .
&& i dont wanna hurt him , nor lose him over my inhibitions .
its juss likee fuck .
what is it gonna take for me to move on && try something new ?

ugh ,
its like either [a] sit && hopefully wait for my bf to come back && hurt someone in the process && expect for me to get hurt again also .
or [b] walk away from it . && try something with someone i know wouldnt hurt me or ever try to hurt me .

&& as easy as it seems for me to choose [b] .
im still contemplating [a] .
&& it pisses me off .
it pisses me the fck off !
why cant i let go of thiss nigga that hurt me so many times .
not that he was a bad guy , bt it is what it is .
then theress this guy that i knowww likess me .
&& i knowwww wouldnt hurt me . && does nuthinq bt put smiless on my face .

wtf is the problem ?
why cant i take my heart away from him . && give it to someone else ?
i know that i shouldd but i cant .
smh .
lol .
shit man my love life dont get no easier >:O
i dont get nooo breaks .
lol .
anybody got some feedback on how yall got over yo ex ?
cus i could realllly use it .

the hardest thingg to let go of .

hahabxtchplz (12:49:24 AM): aye
hahabxtchplz (12:49:51 AM): if i ever needed yuu in the future .
hahabxtchplz (12:49:59 AM): would yuu be there for me ?
"AhMOR ." (12:51:57 AM): LOL DIDN'T U LISTEN TO DA SONG?
"AhMOR ." (12:52:13 AM): NO MATTER WHERE YOU AT I'M RUNNIN TO YOU
hahabxtchplz (12:52:40 AM): okay .
hahabxtchplz (12:52:45 AM): yuu promise ?
hahabxtchplz (12:53:03 AM): cuss i really might need yuu one day .
"AhMOR ." (12:53:24 AM): LOL LISTEN TO DA SONG ONE MO TYME
"AhMOR ." (12:53:34 AM): U NOT UNDERSTANDIN
hahabxtchplz (12:53:45 AM): i have listened to the song .
hahabxtchplz (12:53:51 AM): i do understand .
"AhMOR ." (12:54:05 AM): U NEED T0 LISTEN T0 IT 0NE M0 TYME
"AhMOR ." (12:54:12 AM): L0L CUS I'M LISTENIN T0 IT
hahabxtchplz (12:54:16 AM): okay .
hahabxtchplz (12:54:19 AM): lol
"AhMOR ." (12:54:21 AM): ALS0
"AhMOR ." (12:54:35 AM): IIGHT
hahabxtchplz (12:54:47 AM): so everythinnnnnnq the song say . thats what i can count on .
"AhMOR ." (12:55:02 AM): ITS 4 U MANN
"AhMOR ." (12:55:09 AM): EVERYW0RD
"AhMOR ." (12:55:16 AM): I LISTEN TO IT OVER N OVER
"AhMOR ." (12:55:21 AM): EVERY WOORD
"AhMOR ." (12:55:29 AM): TO U
hahabxtchplz (12:55:41 AM): ok

i cryed . i mean , i've heard the song plenty of times before . bt i broke down .
i still lovee him . bt thats all i needed to know .

just a thought .

im fallinqq . . .
not into yuu ; bt away from yuu .
&& maybee thatss whatss best .
im not mad at lovee .
im mad at yuu .
im mad i believed in yuu .
im mad i trusted yuu .
im mad i was everythinq yuu wanted me to be .
when yu werent .
i enduredd the hurt ; becuss i was lettinq my heart win .
not anymore .
its funny tho .
cus without yuu , i found happiness again =] .
im still incomplete .
i just havent decided if your the right piece .
cus yuu probably arent .

my break up playlist .

lol .
mee && ma twinn peaa findinn all thesee sonqss thts helpinn us get over the heartbreak .
randomm mix i know . bt im bmh !

hope - who am i to say .
adele - chasing pavements .
adele - first love .
paramore - thats what you get .
paramore -conspiracy .
paramore - decode .
paramore - circles .
paramore - riot .
paramore - oh star .
duffy - steppinq stone .
lauryn hill - when it hurts so bad .
sia - soon we' ll be found .

lmao . some are slow . some aree fast . && yess we lovee paramore if yuu havent noticedd . they banq ! =]

if yuu havent heard any of thesee && yuu feelinn downn . listenn =]
i wouldaa madee a REAL playlist , but i was lazy . lmao . sorry !

when it hurts so badd ; why doess it feel soo good ?.

thiss iss too complexx .
i let it go . then i take it back .
then i let it go again .
i don ' t know why i can ' t let him qo .
call me stupid . call me naivee .
im juss younqq && dumb && in lovee .

bt what makess this time different then all the last .
is that it was a mutual agreement .
to not be together .
in somee wayss i was fed upp && tiredd .
i felt it dyinq off slowly .
i juss didn 't wanna facee it .
i facedd it today .
i stopped givinn a fck .
i stopped carinq about what he was gonna think or do .
&& stood up for how i felt .
i said what i felt i needed to , && i think thats why im not cryinq or in pain .
we actually still talked afterwardss && laughed as frinns .

im not gonna be bitter . if it ain 't meant to be then its juss not .
im not gonna keep tryna force uss to work if itss not .
im not qonna talk down onn him . cuss thts alwayss qon be ma bby .
i know himm so well , i know what hes gonna do beforee he doess it , lol
like most coupless n lovee , i know him insidee n out ,
bt like sometimess i just don ' t understand why he does the thingss he does
i think sometimess he juss getss confused ass to if he wantss to be in a relationship or not .
&& sincee he knowws how muchh i lovee him , he expectss me to be theree for him
til he decidess .
bt i cant hold onn any longer , my heart breaks everytimee he does thiss .
&& i try to understandd why someone who lovess me so muchh
couldd do me that wayy .
we pushh && we try againn . cuss of the lovee we havee for one another .
bt one day i know that we wont pushh , && we 'll jus givee up .
cuss it takess so muchh energyy .
idk if thiss is the end . i really dont .

my frinns alwayss ask me ,
likee whyy do yuu put up with tht ?
&& itss likee cuss i knoww that , itss not the end of us .
bt maybe , someone can lovee me better .
im jus not readyy to admit that .
im not readyy to admit .
that i put in all this hard work ,
&& lovee && all for it to jus endd like thiss .
im not ready to let go .

bt i got enoughh stregnth to tryy .
&& thatss what countss .
he 's my kryptonite.
i could be the saddest , maddest btchh ever !
&& he has the ability to put a smile on my face && takee it all away .
&& that kills me .
cus without himm i feel likee part of me is missinq .
bt maybee it needss to stay vacant for someone elsee to fill it . . .
or maybee jus maybeee . . he miqht fit back where he belongss ,
..........besidee me .

ventinq .

okay .
soo not to boree anybodyy ,
bt i qotta vent riqht now .
beforee i losee my mindd .

soo i juss qott into it withh my mom againn cuss shess mad tht i dont caree or wanna movee to arizonaa . shess sittinq heree trynaa tewll me about thiss && thatt , bt idgaf .
i cant see my transitionn . shes like ohh yuu can go out to the casino && blah blah .
im suree theress partiess .
likeeee .....
wtf ?!
I D G A F !>:O
im 20 years old . 20 ! im not bout to go out in a city i dont know by myself , tryna meet new ppl && make frinns . likee ima really have fun . i likee meetinq ppl . bt im antisocial .
shess movinq to arizonaa cus its cheap . im likee wellll thtss all finee && dandy for yuu .
yuu can still be happy . yuu got a husband && your sister in laww && her husband livee out there .
wtf does tht have to do withh me ?
ima still be alone with no friendss && no bf .

idc . maybee ill try it out at some other timee .
bt as of right now in my lifee . i cant feel it .
i lovvee californiaa . && i dont intend on movinq out of it .
im jus trynaa get my lifee togetherr .
i knoww i fuckedd up .
i realize that .
im 20 with no job && i dont go to school .
im depressed .
i feel likeee .
a failuree , to say the least .
&& i really wanna get my shit together .
i really do .
bt the timing is all bad .
right now i havee two optionss .
move back to the bay areaa && livee with my dad or sister && go to school && find a job .
or try to move with onee of my friendss && find a job then go to school .

&& i meann ,
i wouldd movee with one of my friendss bt i hatee feeling dependent .
i dont have shit , so its like .
i havee to depend on them to help me while im tryna get my shit together ,
&& that makes me feel inferior .
&& i hateeeee feeling like that ..

my moms like nobodyss gonna feel any sympathy for yuu blah blah ..
bt im like , wtf .
i dont want nobody sympathy ,
i know what i have to do to get my shit together bt beforee i do
i havee to havee a placee to sleep .
i swear i wishh i had a car ,
cuss bess believee if i did .
id livee out tht btchh .
on somee real shit .

im juss ,
lost .
likee itss my fault that im in the position im in ,
so i cant blame anybody .
bt i jus ,
itss like right when i started plannin my lifee out ,
that shit fell apart again .

i swear if i kneww it was gon go down like this i wouldaa appliedd to csulb for the fall
so i couldaa jus went to school && lived on campusss.
bt i missed tht oppurtunity , so im jus shit outta luck .
smh .
i know lifee is hard .
&& my situationn isnt all tht complex ,
cuss i jus want what i want .
bt whatever i decision i make is affectinq my life .
&& i want my lifee to stay how it is jus improvise .
i dont want to movee 6 hourss awayy && strainn all the relationshipss i do havee .
smh .
im soo pissed off >:O
bt i guess i cant blame anybody but myself .
i jus wishh shit didnt end upp like thiss .

ughhhhhh !

i haaaaateeeeeeeeee havinqq insomniaa .
itss 6 in the fcknn morninn && im still on the comp
like im reeeeally doinq somethinq .
smh .
lol .
ima fcknn loser .

ohhhhhhh well .
im bout to qo to sleep now =]
byee byee noww !

my lord .

lmmfao .
jusss wow .
i was watchinn dance videos on youtube and came across this .
yeaa okay if yuu wanna dance in yo pantiess on video do what yuu do .
bt these females got they OWN dance team or whatever . && they all dance around
in they drawss .
toqether in the middle of the livin room .
lmmmmao .
in some videos yuu see little girls watchinn , grown men walkin by .
bt the funniest shit is that only half the btchhes actually CAN dance . smh .
i said to myself , "damn this some triflinn ass shit , rmao" . enjoy .

UnitedStatesOfTara .

soo . i seen the lil commercial for this show lass nitee when i was layinn downn && it caught my eyee so i was likee .... i think ima watchh tht . sooo i went on on demand in checked it out .

itss really a funny ass show . itss about this surbarban mom who has multiple personalities && how her && her familiy deals with it .

her husband is reall down to earth && cool he lovess her regardless && tryss not to cheat on his "wife" with her "alters" . i find it very lovinq .

then they got 2 kidss . a boy whos like 14 , hess like a lil sophisticated square . he likess literaturee && old moviess n shit . && the daughter is like 16 , typical rebellious teen out havin sex n shit like tht . havinn teenager issues && fsmily life issues .

bt the mom && her "alters" as she call her other personalities are hilarious .

in the first episode yuu meet one called "Tee" whoss like a teenaqe whore , real outspokenn && jus crzy , think shess hella coool . bt shess jus not . lmao . the other alter is called "Buck" , hes a man , likee a country southern war vet man . smokes ciggerettes n shit . hella funny .

my favorite part in the first episode that got me was when the mom sees her daughter gettin roughed up by her bf , which pisses her off , so she turns into Buck , then laterr on tht nite , she ssees the bf && starts whoopin his ass . then the square ass brother outta NOOOwhere jumps in && starts stompinn him out . i had to rewind it i was laughin so hardd . like wtf ?

lmao . check it out tho . it comess on showtime sundayss at 10 . watch it on demand if yuu got it !

heres the first episode =]

SAYhelloTOtheBADguy .

but he 'ss really good :]

so after beqqinq my twinn jamess to start a bloq cus i lovee his lifee && wishh it was minee && i think its worth sharinnnq ....

he finnnnallly qot one ! check him out .

yallniggazaintme.blogspot.com =]

day two .

of my homee to myself vacationn .

smh .

today was a little better than yesterday .

i admit even tho i enjoy the peace && quiet , && not beinq botheredd .

im still lonelyy .

i hatee beinq alonee =[

i wishh ddy was heree to cuddle withh me =/

i miss himm .

bt anywayss ,

i spent most of the day listeninq to music && dancinq .

psh .

damn shame .

lol .

its like 24 hours of boredom .

&& i qot twoo moree dayss to qo .

whatever tho .

anywayss .

i been havinn the biqqest issue .

cuss before i go back to school i think i wanna chanqe my major .

&& at first i was gonna qo to school for fashionmerchandisinq .

buut everyone keeps telling me ima good writer ....

&& ive always liked writinq ...

so nowwww im thinkinq of journalismm .

but i wanna do somn i lovee && i lovee fashionn .

bt i kindaa like writinq too .

lol .

im thinkinqq maybe become a writer at a magazinee ??

somn ?

lol .

idk .

do yuu guys think id be a good writer ?

idk .

i really dont think i be talkin bout shit but i almost got 50 followers so i guess im sayin somn interestinq lol .

homee vactionn .

sooo ,

the moms && her husband took a trip to arizonaa[k] thiss morninq to look at houses .

[serious sad face ]

i jus qot off the phone withh her && she likess it so far .

[pissed the fck off face ]

cuss noww im 80 percent suree they qonna wanna movee to arizonaa

whichh iss jus furthur complicatinq my lifee .

i jus wanna work && qo back to skool

&& arizonaa && they job market && skool system do NOT feed into that equation .

ima biq cityy qirl that qrew upp around alot of diversityy .

you are NOT about to move me in no new city built on a indian reservation .

[not that i have anythinq aqainst native indianns cus i mixedd with them ]

buuuut seeinq the sameeeeee racee of ppl alll the timee can qet under my skinn .

whichh is whyy i HAVE to stay in a metro area .

smh .

this is killin meee .

bt whatever . we 'll see what happens .



so whilee theryre qonee on this 2-3 day tripp .

i have thee housee allll to my self >:]

&& no im not throwinq any kickbckss ,

not invitinq anyone over ,

none of that .

im just about to enjoyy my piece of mindd && peacee && quiet .

try && see what ima do wit this paqe of miness .

cus if yuu been on beforeee ,

yuu know it was wayyy more colorful then this shit .

bt i was fcknn around wit one of them bloq layoutss && i decided i didnt want it after all .

&& deleted it && now i qotta start frm scratchh :[



lol .

smh .

sooo idk .

ill prolly be spendinn more time on heree jus cus i aint qot shit else to do .

lol .

love conquerss ALL .

mee && ma siss were jus talkinq about thiss .
&& itss soo true .
at the end of the day .
no matter what you qo throuqh wit tht person you love .
the lovee you have for them leads you to where you need to be .

relationships are never easy .
ask anybody .
if your relationship is perfect ,
ex ; no arquinq , no disaqreements , no dislikes .
somethinqs not riqht .
i think the love between you doesnt qrow ,
if you dont qo throuqh trials && tribulations .
if you cant make it throuqh touqh situations toqether
then how will yall proqress into the future ?

im suree itss possiblee . bt i would expect for somethinq to qo wronq eventually .
itss just human naturee .

i cant speak for everyone else .
bt i know i lovee my boyfriend .
he 's my future eveythinq .
we talk about the future together .
both our hearts are in the same placee .
idc what yall think about thinqss i ' ve wrote previously .
we qo throuqh what we qo throuqh &&
thats how i be feelin at the time .
bt really at the end of the day .
itss me && himm && nobody elsee .
itss not about if i can see myself withh him ,
cus reallyy . . .
i can 't see myself without him .

ily ddy . 8.31.08 && wee still qoinn =]

shouldd i stayy or shouldd i qoo. . .. . . .. idkk . .

mann .
havee yall ever been in lovee ;
likee soo deep .
that you ' d do anythinq to make it work ?
cuss you knew tht it was worthh it ?
bt like nothinq ever went rite ?
&& itss not like tht personn is badd or anythinqq .
bt certainn circumstancess juss dont ever work .

i keep tryinq && tryinqq .
&& its likee i dnt wnna qive upp ,
bt i start feelin stupidd after awhilee .
cus its likee ,
ill be likee its qonna be diff this time .
&& its not .
itss a disappointment every time .

&& wee talk it out .
everything is fine .
then it happens againnnn .
&&itss jus likee i dont wanna be tht person thts blind in lovee ,
cuss i do see the situationn ,
i just dont wanna givee up .
cuss i know we can work .
&& i want us too .
bt , sometimess im confused as to if he wants us to .
he says he doess .
&& i can truelyy say tht i honestlyy believe him .
likee frm the bottom of my heart .
i know what he sayss is true .
bt the actionss he doess says different .
&& likee i know actionss speak louder than wordss .
bt i jus think his actions qet lost in translation .


im completelyy lost .
i dont wanna be naivee && jus qet walked over .
not tht he does .
bt likee ,
i just dont know how to get the best of him .
cuss he alreadyy has the best of me =[


iLthiss sonq =[

Best Of Me (Bonus) - Jazmine Sullivan

so yeaaaa ,

te he >:O
lol .
i was tryinqqq reeeleee reeeleee hardd not to bloq about some bs .
buuuuuut .
im past boredd on this lovelyy friday niteeee . . .
soooooooo ,
fck it :]
i dont really havee too muchh to say .
ain' t shit chanqedd in the lass couplee dayss .
lol .
first && foremost ,
THANKiiiEEEESSS too everybdyyss advicee on my previouss bloq .
momss aint trynaa hear it so i quess i qotta work on plan b .
whatever tht may be =/

lol .
buuuuuuuuut
im not stressinq ,
bcuss myy bby askedd me to pleeeease not stress over it .
so .
i let it qo . . .
at least until they come back frm arizonaa withh there verdict .
im hopinqq for arizonaa [k] !
lol .
shit .
all i needd is a placee to stayy closer to la preferablyy .
where i can find a jobb && get ma shit together .
[anybdyy know anybdy rentinn rooms ??]
hahahahhaa ,
shit .

soooo .
anyways .
itss ANOTHER dryyass slowwwww friday .
my weekendss are never fun anymore .
im 20 goinn on 60 .
i have likee no lifee .
smh .
ohh well .
ill be straight .
im still young .
itss not the end of the worldd , i quess .
next year better =]

[pshh , hhahahaha its juss now 09 ' . && now im already talkin bout 010 ' ]
lol .

sooo i know thiss is randomm right .
bt , this jus happened so i gotta talk about it .
so , me personally .

i hatttttttteeeeeeee cookinq .
the only time i cook is for myself .
cus i dont expect anybodyyy to really cook for me .
unless ma moms cookin dinner .
sooooo ,
likee i reeeeeallly hattee ,
whenn my moms husband or anybdy really [bt he does it the most ]
waits until i go make ME somn to eat ,
to be likee ohh im hungryy , can yuu make me somn .
&& me beinq me .
i say uhhhh nooooo .
cus i really dont want to .
and likee my mom alwayss gets mad at me .
because she sayss im ungrateful becuss i dont wanna cook food for somebdy .
like he cant cook for hisself .
im juss likee .
i been the same way sincee forever .
i stay to myself .
i do me .
plain n simple .
bt they always complain about the saaaaaaaame shit i allllwayss do .
likeeeeee
why cant they jus accept my characteristics .
im not chanqinn for no fcknn bdy .
idgaf if me not cookin for other ppl is selfishh .
i DONT like doin it for me . so whyyyy am i gonna wanna do it for yUU?
likee wtf ?
thenn whenn i dont wanna talk
[sometimess i get in my quiet antisocial moods]
he wanna complain to her likeee . . .
"ohh , shess not talking to me again , shees beinq standoffishh "
likeee beeeeeeeitchh .
no .
im jus bein me .
if i dont feel like fuckin talkinq , its my right not to .
likee .
tht shit is jus immaturee and irritatinq .
likee my moms sittinq here juss talkin about how selfish i am
cuss i dont wanna cook him taco shells n shit too .
likeee
ohhhhkayy i admit
it may bee a tad bit selfishh .
bt ummm wtf .
if i can get up and make my own shit , so can he .
hes not my husband .
shit .
i dont cater to nobdy bt my mtfcknn mama && my bbyddy .
likee .
i embrace independence .
dont be dependinn on me to get yo food together and make yo plate .
shit i aint gettin paid for this shit .
str8 drxppp .
thts jus how i feel .
&& honestlyy idrgaf if yall likee damnn yuu cold .
lol .
shit .
im me . thats jus how i am .
tht non chalant careless idgaf qirl .
alwayss have been && alwayss will be .

[p$] i knoww yall likee qotdamnnnn her bloqss is alllwayyss hellllllaaa lonnnqq ! lmao . bt shit at least i make it easy to read =] i hate them long ass paragraphss lol . they make my eyes hurt .

l o s t .

without a placee to qo .
what happenss when yuu plann yur lifee out .
&& everythinqq chanqess ?
itss feels like that allllwayss happens to me .
thatss the reason i didnt start colleqe the fall after i graduated .
&& noww thts the reasonn , i cant happily qet back on my feet .

for the past two yearss i been stuck in this piece of shit ass city called moreno valley .
south of riverside for thosee are like where ?
lol .
mann ,
i been dreamminnnn for the day we moved .
&& i finally talked my mom into movinnqq closer to la .
for [1] moree job oppurtunitess cus it aint shit out here .
&& [2] itss closer to my bf && my friendss .
so , shes like okay find uss a placee .
so i do all this researchh find us a placee in the bellflower area .
so , since she aqreed . i started lookin for jobs .
&& the NEXT dayy after i filled em out .
i gotta call back . so im like mann aint this bout a btchh .
we havent even moved out there yet .
so im like mma we qotta move ASAP !
lol .
shit im tryna get back worrkinn && back on my feet .
so shes like okay we 'll drive out there this weekend .
thenn weds comes . && she talks to her husbands sister tht lives in arizona .
she tells her about cheap houses blah blah blah .
so then it becomes .
oh , its cheap out there .
im tired of california .
were qoinq to qo look out in arizona .
so , now her minds preety mush set on jus up and leavinq to arizona .
no reqardss to angelicass life .
&& itss not even tht i expect her to live her life around me .
i just wanted one year , jus one !
to get back on my feet and move out .
&& not in another fuckinq state !
lol .

mannn .
it dont even matter .
my lifee is just tossed in ther air .
idk what im bout to do .
or where im gonna qo .
im soo juss mannnn .
:'[
i cant stop cryinqq .
i dont wanna jus upp && leavee everythinq i know .
to start a new lifee .
somewheree i dont know .
idc about shit .
i just dont wanna leavee my bf .
even tho he 's qoinq into servicee in sept .
i juss dont wanna leave durinq my lass 8 monthss to be with him ,
whatever .
idk .
im lost .
&& confused .
&& id ont have anyone to stay with out here in california.
well southern .
i could always move back to the bay with my dad .
bt idnt wanna do tht either .
this is jus stressful .
i had 09 all planned out .
and was happy for a new chanqee .
bt i DID NOT expect thiss kind of changee .
smh .

UGlYY CUhhhKZ :]

aka my twinnn jamess !
lol .
here ' s yo shout out cuhh .

yuu mah niqquh forlifee .
thankss fer alwayss beinn there =]
iLyo punkass !

iLyall !

damnn ! lovee my readersss !
thiss year is dedicatedd to yall !
thnkss to everybodyy who qivess me feedback cuss yall alwayysssss leave a smile on my face =]
yall the best on some real shit .
iLy .

&& stay tunedd .
qood shit cominn soon =]

h A P P y N E W y E A R S =] !

wellll ,
wwelcomee to 09 mtfckaass !
lol .
shit .
same shit , different year .
im tryna switchh ma shit upp tho .
same qirl , jus onn some new shit basically .

well i aqreed to leavee everythinqq inn 08 ; in 08 !
so im startinnq freshhh .
woot woot .
my new yrs eve was fckedd up >:O
i got stuck in the housee ,
so i basically got dressed for noooooooo reason .
pshh .
i spent new years talkinn to the personn i wanted to tho =]
yeppp .
lol .
that quyy to your right >>>>
wee jus cant let each other qo .
lmao .
smh .

bt anywhoo
heress some picss of me lookin bmb wit nowhere to go =[
lmao .