5.8.09

august fifth two thousand nine .

just got done reading my daily blogs for tha hour .
deep in thought .
so im choosing to just write out tha thoughts as they come to my head
instead of trying to explain what's going through my head .
its way too complicated to sort out .
so i apologize if my thoughts get jumpy .

im single .
not what i wanna be but tha reality of things .
he broke up with me . we got bkc together then i broke up with him .
i thought about our relationship .
all eleven months .
i love him but i was disappointed in all tha disappointments i
remembered .
maybe i should've let them all go .
but that wasn't even why i broke up with him .
he made me mad with tha "idgaf" attitude .
he thinks i don't wanna accept tha fact he's not going to change tha
things i don't like that he still does .
but it isn't that i don't wanna accept it .
i could deal . i just feel like i shouldn't have to .
we ben on and off for 11 months and he still does things that i tell him
i hate .
it isn't about me not accepting him , that's an excuse for him not
respecting what i don't like . and not caring .
i realized everytime i ask him for something . i have to ask more than
once .
not even twice . like til tha point IM getting annoyed asking and don't
even wanna ask anymore .
smh .
but what hurt me tha most was when i asked him ,
" what's tha most important thing in a relationship to you ?"
now me being me , im thinking he's gonna say love or trust maybe even
sex shit , something along those lines .
his response ?
" ME ."
noo , not me , angelica .
me , as in himSELF .
?
am i tha only one dishearted by that ?
like i felt stupid af .
why do i make this nigga my world .
my heart .
my everything .
i do whatever to keep him happy .
and tha most important thing to him is pleasing HIM ?
selfish ass bastard .
lol . likee . wtf .
im tha love of his life . the girl his been claiming to love for tha
past 11 months .
but im not important ?
maybe im taking it tha wrong way .
cus i didn't expect him to say that i was tha most important thing . but
i was definately taken aback by tha fact he said him .
i felt like what was i there for if im not even important ?
i think i jus expect him to love me tha way i wanna be loved and i have
to face tha fact he never will .
i wont ever say he don't love me . cus he does .
he's just not tha same as he used to be .
he did everything when we were first in love bcus it was that beginner
stage , tha "honeymoon stage" if you will like my homie dizzy was sayin
in his blog . those beginning months came n went .
i feel like we been thru so much n keep comin back . that he feels he
doesn't have to try anymore because he knows i love him enough to come
back . which isn't true .
im tired .
i love him enough to come back .
but not if he can't pull it together .
if he can't do what he needs to do then ill stay single .
simple as that .
and you can't tell him anything cus let him tell it , im leaving him for
james .

** mind you ; he broke up with me cus he read my previous blog before
this n said i couldn't be trusted .

but anyways .
i can be trusted . i can't help how i feel .
i had no intentions of tha situation that transpired .
i wouldve never imagined id be in a situation like this .
its crazy & stressful to say tha least .
i feel better now that im single not because i can talk to both of them
. even tho i can but because i don't feel like im wrong .
im single and i still can't find direction .
i have no idea what to expect . cus nothing ever goes as planned which
is why i stopped planning shit .
i don't wanna plan shit .
cus to be honest i feel like im fighting a losing battle .
no matter what im going to lose .
what's gonna happen when Z leave for basic training then his term in
sept ? where is are relationship gonna go ? no clue .
what's gonna happen in january when its family time for james ?
where is our relationship gonna go ? especially if he chooses to be with
her ?
im scared . & idk why .
cus im single now so i shouldn't fear loneliness .
im always alone anyways .
i fear losing who i love .
and regardless , i have to choose one or the other . or neither . but
whatever choice i make im scared to lose tha other one . or let them go
far . not as though i wnna be with them . but just outta my life .
& I've considered myself selfish for that .
i know . i know . so shoot me .
i wont get too deep cus yall don't understand n it jus seems to cause
more problems for me .
i just wanted to get some shit out my head .
so on that note , im bout to watch this movie w. my mother & kickback
:)

ta ta for now ! OH & hiiii NEW FOllERWERS ! yaaay ! i passed 200 !
that's huuge ! i loveee all of you guyss ! thanks for reading even tho
half of yall don't comment >:o ! lmao . be back soon ! mwaaa !

3 comments:

♥Porscha said...

awww girl sounds like something deep that you're going through with ya ex....hmm sometimes maybe it ain't meant to be or u know the old adage if you let it go and it comes back then its true or some like that you two maaay end up back together

---loves the blog by the wayyy

ThinkGoHard said...

so i hope mines is on your list of daily reads. I got some important news for your eyes kiddo...lol

www.thinkgohard.blogspot.com

Anonymous Priss said...

I just got a chance to come by and read up on things. When I read the part where he answered "Me" to your question my jaw literally dropped. He was wrong for that one, you're way too good to have to deal with that. I'm not going to say cliche things like, you're better off without him, or you shouldn't be with him, because I don't know the whole situation and who am I to say those things? But I hope whatever/whoever you choose makes you happy. It's unfortunate that the relationships you talk about on here are so up and down. I wish you all the best & a stable relationship with the man you love. Be blessed.