august fifth two thousand nine .

just got done reading my daily blogs for tha hour .
deep in thought .
so im choosing to just write out tha thoughts as they come to my head
instead of trying to explain what's going through my head .
its way too complicated to sort out .
so i apologize if my thoughts get jumpy .

im single .
not what i wanna be but tha reality of things .
he broke up with me . we got bkc together then i broke up with him .
i thought about our relationship .
all eleven months .
i love him but i was disappointed in all tha disappointments i
remembered .
maybe i should've let them all go .
but that wasn't even why i broke up with him .
he made me mad with tha "idgaf" attitude .
he thinks i don't wanna accept tha fact he's not going to change tha
things i don't like that he still does .
but it isn't that i don't wanna accept it .
i could deal . i just feel like i shouldn't have to .
we ben on and off for 11 months and he still does things that i tell him
i hate .
it isn't about me not accepting him , that's an excuse for him not
respecting what i don't like . and not caring .
i realized everytime i ask him for something . i have to ask more than
once .
not even twice . like til tha point IM getting annoyed asking and don't
even wanna ask anymore .
smh .
but what hurt me tha most was when i asked him ,
" what's tha most important thing in a relationship to you ?"
now me being me , im thinking he's gonna say love or trust maybe even
sex shit , something along those lines .
his response ?
" ME ."
noo , not me , angelica .
me , as in himSELF .
?
am i tha only one dishearted by that ?
like i felt stupid af .
why do i make this nigga my world .
my heart .
my everything .
i do whatever to keep him happy .
and tha most important thing to him is pleasing HIM ?
selfish ass bastard .
lol . likee . wtf .
im tha love of his life . the girl his been claiming to love for tha
past 11 months .
but im not important ?
maybe im taking it tha wrong way .
cus i didn't expect him to say that i was tha most important thing . but
i was definately taken aback by tha fact he said him .
i felt like what was i there for if im not even important ?
i think i jus expect him to love me tha way i wanna be loved and i have
to face tha fact he never will .
i wont ever say he don't love me . cus he does .
he's just not tha same as he used to be .
he did everything when we were first in love bcus it was that beginner
stage , tha "honeymoon stage" if you will like my homie dizzy was sayin
in his blog . those beginning months came n went .
i feel like we been thru so much n keep comin back . that he feels he
doesn't have to try anymore because he knows i love him enough to come
back . which isn't true .
im tired .
i love him enough to come back .
but not if he can't pull it together .
if he can't do what he needs to do then ill stay single .
simple as that .
and you can't tell him anything cus let him tell it , im leaving him for
james .

** mind you ; he broke up with me cus he read my previous blog before
this n said i couldn't be trusted .

but anyways .
i can be trusted . i can't help how i feel .
i had no intentions of tha situation that transpired .
i wouldve never imagined id be in a situation like this .
its crazy & stressful to say tha least .
i feel better now that im single not because i can talk to both of them
. even tho i can but because i don't feel like im wrong .
im single and i still can't find direction .
i have no idea what to expect . cus nothing ever goes as planned which
is why i stopped planning shit .
i don't wanna plan shit .
cus to be honest i feel like im fighting a losing battle .
no matter what im going to lose .
what's gonna happen when Z leave for basic training then his term in
sept ? where is are relationship gonna go ? no clue .
what's gonna happen in january when its family time for james ?
where is our relationship gonna go ? especially if he chooses to be with
her ?
im scared . & idk why .
cus im single now so i shouldn't fear loneliness .
im always alone anyways .
i fear losing who i love .
and regardless , i have to choose one or the other . or neither . but
whatever choice i make im scared to lose tha other one . or let them go
far . not as though i wnna be with them . but just outta my life .
& I've considered myself selfish for that .
i know . i know . so shoot me .
i wont get too deep cus yall don't understand n it jus seems to cause
more problems for me .
i just wanted to get some shit out my head .
so on that note , im bout to watch this movie w. my mother & kickback
:)

ta ta for now ! OH & hiiii NEW FOllERWERS ! yaaay ! i passed 200 !
that's huuge ! i loveee all of you guyss ! thanks for reading even tho
half of yall don't comment >:o ! lmao . be back soon ! mwaaa !