17.8.09

late night breakdown .

im still mad .
mad that i can't even express myself tha way i need to .
i can't blog properly .
but i need to get this out .
im not confused .
i know what i want . who i want . who i need .
i have that person .
after the hurricane I've been thru .
ad i can say i don't wanna hurt him . because he's did nothing but love
me . and yea he hurt me that one time . but i know in my heart he didn't
mean it .
i can give him that chance . i gave my ex about a million .

but as im sitting here going over my last relationship .
i can't help but be mad .
james would kill me . going to kill me . cus i know he's gonna read this
.
he says " he's not your priority anymore " .
i agree .
but i will admit little shit still gets to me .
that i can't control .
i can't , don't , nor do i want to go into what happened tonite .
i could careless at this point .
just . . .justification i made the right choice .
at some point i have to realize that he never cared the way he said he
did .
it pisses me off that i know but its so hard for my heart to comprehend
.
i can't be be mad at anybody but me but im not . im mad at him . i think
i really hate him .
and if i don't i dispise him .
i feel like the biggest idiot on earth .
11 months wasted .
on lies . broken promises . ect ect .
whatever .
best thing that ever happened to me ?
i met someone who really loved me .
and yea that mightve hurt him .
but at the end of the say he has to remeber he pushed me away and lost
me .
i don't apologize for leaving him . it was destined to happen .
i can't say i regret our relationship because i learned a lot . that was
my longest relationship ever . the first person who ever said they loved
me and i actually believed they meant it for once .
but now that i have someone that's trying to love me the way i should've
been .
im seeing for the 1st time how it was wrong n so many ways that i could
never understand .
you can never change anybody .
you can never make anyone love you .
you can pour your heart out and cry the world ,
bt at the end of the day , if he don't love you the same its gonna
crumble .
i seen so many signs . so many red flaga in our relationship . but being
in love meant i was being blind .
my brain was on a totally different flow .
first thought ? he LOVES me .
smh .
always .
that was always the first thing .
til i sat one day and realized that was the only reason i was holding on
.
i wouldnt let go because i felt if i lost him .
i lost love .
like i wouldnt feel it again .
when i had someone else trying to love me but i couldn't register in
mymind that if i let go of one .
someone else would still love me . if not more .
idk . everything is just making sense i guess .
it shouldn't be this difficult .
but no one ever said movingon was easy .
unless of course , u didn't care . & i , cared entirely way to much .
and ill say . im sorry .
and i do feel bad for hurting zahkeem . even tho he put me thru hell .
cus i know i hurt him with tha whole james situation . and i never
wanted to . bt he'll never understand . he fails to comprehend his
mistakes that pushed me away . and i can't make him see that . he'll
always be in his selfish ways . he lives for him and no one else .
and i do still feel bad for hurting james . because he doesn't nothing
but make me smile . and zahkeem hates it . he always calls him " perfect
" . lol but james isn't perfect . he jus didn't make the mistakes you
made . i appreciate james for everything . and i love him for the person
that he is . i love him for loving me and all the things i don't like
about me . i love him because he makes me happy . i can't say he'll
never hurt me . bcus its happened at one point . but i can say he'll
never hurt me with intention . he'll never try to treat me a certain way
bcus he knows ilhim . and he'll never not keep his word as a man . bcus
he is one .
i could've stayed with z .
but our relationship wouldve deteriorated on its own .
whether james was in the picture or not .
because z can love but he`s not readyto emotionally commit hisself . and
i know i did everything in my power to be the perfect gf . fuck that i
WAS the perfect gf . so i can never sit and blame myself for us breaking
up .
even tho i ended it . i couldn't suppress myself any longer .
maybe one day he'll understand . maybe he wont .
but i no longer have anytime in my day to try to make him see .
i have a new man in my life . not really new lol . but he's been here
thru everything .
and i appreciate him being here with me through it all n listening . and
loving me regardless .
and ill do the same for him until further notice .

moral of this vent ; love isn't what u make it . you can't make love .
it makes you . love is always selfless . never selfish . but ALWAYS love
yourself first ! because at the end of the day , love don't love nobody
but itself .

1 comment:

Qu33n Kam... said...

Im glad ur w/ james he seemed like the right one out the 2 from the beginning but what im most glad 2 see is that u loved urself enuff 2 not put up w/ bullshit of sumone playin wit ur heart, love is great but its contiunous i kno it feels once u love so hard and its over u wont love again cuz ive felt that way but u will & becuz u have love in ur heart God wont let u not express it he jus wont let it continue w/ sumone undeserving.