its neverending .

my blog used to be my placee of venting .
i could write out how i felt & ppl would relate & i wouldnt feel so bad
or alone .
now i avoid it , cus it seems everytime i talk about how i feel ,
someone ends up mad or hurt .
and i don't want it to be like that .
nobody understands how i feel .
im sure but im confused .
im right but im wrong .
im happy but im unsure .

today is me and Z`s 11 month anniversary .
11 months . im surprised . im happy . i love him .
and since we`ve been back together our relationship has been damn near
flawless . and im sooo happy that it has been but the only disagreement
i have . . .

he wanted me to promise not to talk to james anymore .
okaaay . i did . cus i respected that on behalf of our relationship .
knowing that it wasn't gonna be easy to stop talking to him .

i told james and yet again . its just another disappointment to him .
first i hurt him by going bck to my ex , nowww im telling him i can't
talk to him anymore or as much as we used to . and i can understand why
i shouldn't talk to him but i can also understand why its so hard for me
to stop .

he's been in my life 10 months damn near everyday . we started as
friends so tht friendship will always be there but i know id be in tha
wrong , disrespecting my relationship if i continue talking to james
when i know i promised i wouldnt . im not big on breaking promises . nor
am i a liar .

i feel like no matter what . i continue to have to choose . but no
matter what choice i make im still feeling unsure . i don't feel like i
made tha wrong choice by trying again with my ex bcus things are
workingout right now . so hopefully that continues . but i feel as
though i made tha wrong choice in hurting him again . i wish it could be
more simple . like i knew one didn't love me or i didn't love one of
them but that's not tha situation .

as of right now im scared of tha future . im scared that what if things
don't work out . what if i made tha wrong decision . what if i made tha
right one . likee i can't even explain how i feel .

i love Z soo muchh and hes put me thru soo muchh and it jus made our
love for each other stronger . we been thru so much . i don't regret
giving us another chance . i jus wish it wasn't so much heartbreak and
decisions involved .

i love james alooot . he's done nothing but been there for me since day
one . keeps me smiling . always supports me and has never hurt me
intentionally but I've hurt him so many times unintentionally & he still
loves me and it hurts me so baad that i know i keep hurting him trying
to decide where i wanna be .

i can't say i wasn't happy when i was w. him bcus i was . i could see
myself w.him . but idk why i seen myself with Z again . i could handle
james' situation . but i think i was too scared to risk losing him to
another female that'll never go away . maybe i was slightly intimidated
. so i punked out . or maybe i jus wasn't done loving Zahkeem and i
needed this for my own self assurance that we are or aren't meant to be

i thought about being single again & letting them both go to see who'd
come back . . .but i know that they both would . all i can do at this
point is focus on my relationship and hope for tha best . ill always
hurt . this situation jus makes me cry talking about it . but i can only
handle one thing and relationship at a time . im not a cheater . im not
a player . im not a liar . im not a user . im a lover . and all i wnna
do is love .. . .
2 of us fell in love together . and one fell in love with me and i fell
in love back .
this is prolly gonna be my last love life post . so tha blog may get a
little drab . but ill be back .

1 comment:

.domo. said...

:[ its a tough situation,i cant lie and say i know what you should do because i dont,and i probably wouldnt know what to do in that situation either,but make sure you make the best decision that is right for you,you know? and congrats on the 11months!! :]