23.8.09

emptyness .

i hate life .
no if`s and`s but`s about it .
can't nobody convince me that i don't , becus i do .
im depressed and i force myself to smile everyday .
i disappoint all the people that naturally make me happy .
its like im cursed to never be happy .
i don't even wanna go over the events that happened last nite but it was
a big mess .
i was supposed to see my baby and shit fucked up .
i knew when it took him a hour to make a15min drive something wasn't
right .
my first thoughts ?

1. he got lost .
2 . he gotta ticket .
3. he went bkc to sleep and never left .

i was mad last nite bcus yet again i was sittin there looking and
feeling stupid bcus he never came .
[deja vu frm my last relationship ]
i cried the whole way back home just wondering why the same shit always
happens to me .
why shit never works out correctly .
why shit always has to fuck up .

i popped 2 benadryls last nite so id actually be able to sleep .
secretly wishing id have a heartattack and die in my sleep . but instead
waking up to a email frm him tellin me he was mad at me bcus he couldn't
find me last nite and he got pulled over and he had work in tha morning
. ect .

so instead of being mad at the fact i thought i got faked on . i
instantly felt bad and stupid . i wish i never went out there under
those circumstances . i wish i wouldnt have begged him to come get me
from somewhere he didn't know how to get to . and now he has to pay for
a ticket he could've avoided . just adding more things onto a list of
problems he already has . i feel like shit . i can't ever do anything
right .

i was tempted to jus say he didn't have to be with me and could be with
someone else cus i don't do anything but disappoint the people i love .
im trying so hard not to cry while im writing this but my eyes are
filled up with tears . i hurt .
my heart burns .
my soul aches .
and most of the time i wish i was dead .
i feel like everyone would be happier without me in there presense .
its like im just of waste of space always causing problems and
inconvienences for other people .

and i have to sit here and act like im all happy go lucky cus i have to
go to ma moms husbands bday party at his sister house . and he keeps
complaining cus i dnt wanna tlk and my moms getting mad at me like "fix
your scales , angelica " like why tf can't i just be left alone .

im not in the mood to be happy and laugh and celebrate . yesterday the
worst day of my life for about 5 reasons . im tired . and i hate life .
i guess i should be grateful i have a life . or that i still have a
boyfriend for that matter . but id rather not have a life and he's mad
at me and doesn't even wanna talk to me .

well i guess im done crying and venting .
and spare me tha it'll be ok commnts cus i wont be happy til my life is
back together . and at this point im feelin really far from it .

2 comments:

micAh! said...

wow, what an interesting read.. you need to 702 it and "get it together". Nothing is EVER as serious as you think it is when you look back at it in retrospect.

Now reading this part of your post "popped 2 benadryls last nite so id actually be able to sleep. secretly wishing id have a heartattack and die in my sleep." was particularly troubling.

If you're not clinically depressed then I'm gonna tell you straight up SNAP THE FUCK OUTTA IT. Being in the military I've have had friends who've lost limbs and seen horrific shit and yet they still maintained a better outlook on life than you're doing currently. You're healthy, you have a family, and you have a BF. So looking at the big picture you don't have shit to really be mopping about.

People get disappointed. It's called life. You can't make everybody happy. If you tried to make everyone happy do you know how miserable you'd be? Worry about your OWN happiness 1st and someone elses 2nd! Get off that "woe is me" spill your on COWBOY THE FUCK UP!

Qu33n Kam... said...

Jellie it hurts me to see u say this but for the most part im not gona butcher u about it becuz ive felt this way before but what i learned is that life doesnt owe u shit but death!! There will be good times & bad times but most importantly ur good always outweighs ur bad compared 2 the next person.

What hurts me the most when i read ur blog i see myself or the me i used 2 be i put so much effort into pleasing everyone else especially some boy becuz i felt if i made hime happy i wud be happy but all he did was take advantage of my generosity. You put waaaaayyy too much trust in a man! No man gets a pass to hurting u they are bound to disappoint u can not put all ur hopes and trust into someone or u will forever be disappointed! U need to also stop defining ur existance over some guy who gives a fuck about them they will always be there as long as u are a woman there will always be a man.

It is not in lifes plan for u to wake up and find love so easily at 20 there are ppl that have but they are an exception! Not every guy u meet is meant for u not every guy u meet ur meant for them & if u didnt have bad relationships u will never appreciate the greatness of how to really love someone. I know u were just venting and u feel that way for just the moment u are in but realize that the devil just stole a nice piece of ur joy outta ur life for however long u feel this way. & about ur boyfriend if he really was a man about his he wuda called u and told u he cudnt cum get u and not jus leave u stranded thats a fucked up mood even for a friend to do let alone a bf. Think about this 2 u wudnevr let a woman disrepect u what makes u think its ok 2 let a man do it we as women give men so many excuse when they are just as human as us they fuck up dont take it jus cuz he has a penis, what happened to u was not ur fault & dont let him let u think that either ill be praying for u ok keep ur head up ur too beautiful and nice of a person to accept unhappiness this is the only life u get dont let it wear u down