no if`s and`s but`s about it .
can't nobody convince me that i don't , becus i do .
im depressed and i force myself to smile everyday .
i disappoint all the people that naturally make me happy .
its like im cursed to never be happy .
i don't even wanna go over the events that happened last nite but it was
a big mess .
i was supposed to see my baby and shit fucked up .
i knew when it took him a hour to make a15min drive something wasn't
my first thoughts ?
1. he got lost .
2 . he gotta ticket .
3. he went bkc to sleep and never left .
i was mad last nite bcus yet again i was sittin there looking and
feeling stupid bcus he never came .
[deja vu frm my last relationship ]
i cried the whole way back home just wondering why the same shit always
happens to me .
why shit never works out correctly .
why shit always has to fuck up .
i popped 2 benadryls last nite so id actually be able to sleep .
secretly wishing id have a heartattack and die in my sleep . but instead
waking up to a email frm him tellin me he was mad at me bcus he couldn't
find me last nite and he got pulled over and he had work in tha morning
. ect .
so instead of being mad at the fact i thought i got faked on . i
instantly felt bad and stupid . i wish i never went out there under
those circumstances . i wish i wouldnt have begged him to come get me
from somewhere he didn't know how to get to . and now he has to pay for
a ticket he could've avoided . just adding more things onto a list of
problems he already has . i feel like shit . i can't ever do anything
i was tempted to jus say he didn't have to be with me and could be with
someone else cus i don't do anything but disappoint the people i love .
im trying so hard not to cry while im writing this but my eyes are
filled up with tears . i hurt .
my heart burns .
my soul aches .
and most of the time i wish i was dead .
i feel like everyone would be happier without me in there presense .
its like im just of waste of space always causing problems and
inconvienences for other people .
and i have to sit here and act like im all happy go lucky cus i have to
go to ma moms husbands bday party at his sister house . and he keeps
complaining cus i dnt wanna tlk and my moms getting mad at me like "fix
your scales , angelica " like why tf can't i just be left alone .
im not in the mood to be happy and laugh and celebrate . yesterday the
worst day of my life for about 5 reasons . im tired . and i hate life .
i guess i should be grateful i have a life . or that i still have a
boyfriend for that matter . but id rather not have a life and he's mad
at me and doesn't even wanna talk to me .
well i guess im done crying and venting .
and spare me tha it'll be ok commnts cus i wont be happy til my life is
back together . and at this point im feelin really far from it .